Starting today... 2st to lose.

[owlets]

Whilst shopping with my super slim friend over the weekend I realised just how fat I feel - and getting on the scales provided proof. I've put on 2 stone - 1 stone of which has come on very recently ( think a month or two?!).
Other than looking lumpy and increasingly featureless, my legs are achy and I don't feel like I've woken up properly ever.
So, I'm going to start on the diet today. The plan is to eat lots of veg and fruits, lean meats, and limited carbs. I'm going to have 3 decent sized meals a day, and not snack unless I'm truely hungry.

I'm going to weigh myself and post on here every Tuesday. Anyone who wants to join in please do!

Starting weight; 11st 13.
(Target weight 10st so 1st 13lbs to lose)

Well done Madwoman. Boosing the exercise sounds like a good idea. I need to do that myself. Am finding it harder and harder to fit in my workouts these days and am lucky if I manage 3 workouts a week at the moment. Am happy with the weightloss, but feel I'm starting to lose muscle tone. Really need to get back into it.

You don't sound like a loon at all. You sound far too busy and very stressed.

Hope things settle down for you soon so you can enjoy a stress free Christmas.

Ds1 has been referred to the asthma clinic, but they can't assess him, because his chest infection is still lingering and he needs 6 weeks on his horrible steroid inhaler to get his lungs back into order. So, we won't know if he actually has asthma until they can do a proper assessment when he's well.

Dd has had a nasty bout of conjunctivits in both eyes, which didn't want to clear up with the drops, so that's been lots of fun. She's also been generally under the weather and clingy, but with no specific symptoms, so she seems to be trying to fight something off.

I have been sent an appointment for next Wednesday with my neurologist, which is a bit worrying, as they said they would only see me back there if they found something on the MRI. Also a tad concerned that the appointment is for within a fortnight of the results being due in, as would have expected it to be for the New Year. Hoping it just means they aren't particularly busy or had a cancellation.

i think most places get really quiet in december - i know loads of people who get appointments sooner than expected because everyone else has told the hospital that they can't make it until january! so not necessarily a reason to worry - but i know it won't stop you. i've also had an interesting unexpected letter from the hospital as well (and def wasn't expecting to hear until the new year)... but i'm assuming it's just a standard thing they send out to everyone awaiting appointments. it was a personal invitation to an information session run by the chronic kidney disease department open to those living with ckd, about renal health.

er, haven't actually been diagnosed with anything yet... afaik...

given that the information session isn't until february i'm guessing i'm not expecting an appointment in any hurry. i can't decide whether to ignore it, or to ring up and say 'eh?' dh nearly had a fit when he saw the envelope (which has 'chronic kidney disease' all over it).

what a total pain re the asthma issue. i can't wait for the christmas holidays tbh. my kids just need to chill out and catch up on some sleep and get their energy back. ds1 looks like he's fit to drop. i think they get so tired at this time of year it's hard to shake off infections, which makes it all worse. there's also gastric flu going round here . so far, so good. no vomiting for, oo, 3 or 4 weeks now. but i'm supposed to decide whether to chance taking the brownies to the senior's centre for a carol concert on mon. they are currently quarantined for flu, but expect it to be lifted tomorrow. do i, don't i?

if the town has 40 girls down with flu over christmas because we didn';t cancel, i may have to leave town. decisions decisions.

will check in on weds. stay calm, might be absolutely nothign and they just wanted to reassure you so you didn't fret over the holidays x

Its great isn't it the way they don't seem to realise how much these things alarm people. I suppose working in a hospital every day means they become less sensitive to how things might look/feel to patients. Unbelievable that they send you something plastered with CKD all over it when you haven't even been dx'd with anything!

I'm trying not to fret. Too busy to think about it most of the time anyway, so its just the odd quiet moment and when I try to get to sleep really.

I'm the same. Dragging myself towards the holidays and all of us are desperate for some pj days and a good bit of general chilling.

Ds1's teacher said that all the children are really exhausted. So much so, she's not given them any homework and has told them just to learn their songs for the Christingle service instead.

Tough call on the brownies/flu thing. I think if it were me I'd err on the side of caution, but then that would probably cause disappointment all round. I wouldn't like to be in your shoes - sorry, not much help am I?

the sparks (rainbows here) have suggested we go for a joint christmas party in the guide hall instead, so i suspect the disappointment would be short-lived...

and i suppose I could deliver the gifts they made for the seniors in any case, so they weren't wasted... i think you are probably right. such a pain though - we've already had to cancel one meeting (heating breakdown in the hall and it was about -15) and change plans for another one as the town changed the date of the skating event we were supposed to be attending. i'm sure the parents think i am a total flake.

right. dd1 has to be at pathfinders in an hour for a cookie swap. she has been destroying the kitchen making cookies every evening this week. so the cookies are made, but typically, we have no cellophane to wrap them in, so will have to stop in town for something en route.

Oh yes, joint party sounds like a much safer bet. Just make sure you wear a face mask and carry a gallon on hand cleaning gel when you drop of their gifts.

Mmmm coookiees!

well, we've cancelled the visit.

the up side is, a party is relatively easy to organise as there are 5 adults and a teenager. the down side is there will be 35 girls under 9. well, if they all turn up...

i have had a brainwave though - the town civic centre is literally 50 yards away from our guide hut, so i might get them all outside to go and sing for their supper in the square - a spot of carolling before we put the chrimbo songs on and play musical statues. nothing like a bit of cold air to bring out the pink cheeks and calm down the party giddiness!!!

Madwoman, whatever were you doing up and posting on MN at 5.45 am!

Party sounds like, er .... fun. 35 girls under the age of 9!

I think the carolling and games outside sounds like a plan. That way, if it doesn't wear them out, they'll all be too cold to go crazy anyway.

Well I was just popping in to log my new weight. My body has done its usual and stalled, then dropped a load as soon as my period started, so I am now .....

10 stone 12lbs!!!!

Slightly less positive, is that I've caught up on my food log and realised I haven't been eating anywhere near enough. So, although that does explain why I feel a bit shaky and generally pants this weekend, it might also explain the weightloss, as in, I am losing lean tissue/muscle.

So, seriously need to up my game, start eating properly and working out at least five times a week. I have no clue how I am going to manage this, but I'm going to try my best.

oh well done you! and yes, make sure that you are looking after yourself as far as nutrition goes. shaky and pants is a sign that you need to remember to nurture as well!!!

it was only 10.45 pm here we had been out for dinner and met up with some friends i haven't seen for about nine years, so it was really nice. they live about 4 hours away but were in town for the weekend. they have twin girls the same age as dd1, and we used to run a toddelr group and softplay together, so a bit of a walk down memory lane. and i had ribs and salad bar, but was starving by 11pm, so i guess i didn't pig out as much as normal!! (in fact, dh finished my ribs for me. but they were delicious)

i have no idea why i'm sharing that with a vegetarian.

it's been snowing all morning here, so we're going to get the dogs out to play in the fresh snow in a bit, and the girls have their dance christmas party this afternoon. i apparently need to make a mouse costume first.

Ah, I see. I didn't realise there was that much of a time difference. In fact, I don't think I'm all that sure where you are - all I know is that its somewhere cold/snowy, where everyone is super healthy and fit.

Glad you had a good night out with old friends. It makes all the difference if you can manage to get out and have a life of your own occasionally.

Sounds like you have a lovely day planned today as well - mouse making aside. I have been holed up in the house all day feeling rough, but did manage to squeeze in a shred this morning.

I was supposed to decorate the christmas cake with dd, make teachers' cards with the boys and get them to write all their friends' cards. Of course none of that actually happened, so instead we ended the day with a big family row about why the boys expect to receive cards and presents but can't actually be bothered to do the same for others.

I think I am just too tired to do anything really, including be calm and patient with the dcs.

Think I'll try for an early night and see if I feel any better in the morning.

ah, the kids all came with us, it wasn't that much fun.

i live on the edge of banff national park in alberta. tis beautiful.

dd2 was the cutest mouse that ever there was, obv.

i love the season of goodwill. there's nothing like a family row to kick it all off properly. our christmas tree fell down yesterday and smashed half of the baubles. i thought that was particularly fitting. i'm going to be eyeing it suspiciously from now until january...

Oh, I didn't realise the kids were at the meal too. Better luck next time!

Glad dd made a cute mouse.

Our christmas tree is in severe dangers of falling every time I do a workout. I also get a lovely christmassey jingle bell sound every time I do jumping jacks thanks to all the little bells the dcs have hung on it.

Had the worst evening ever here with ds1 tonight. I caught him playing a game on a website I have banned him from whilst borrowing his dads laptop to do his homework. I didn't shout or rant or anything, just calmly told him he had forfeited his DS time for the rest of the week, but he completely lost it, not in an angry meltdown kind of way, but in an extremely angry and upset with himself way.

Through sobs and wails he said he was taking himself to bed, then I heard odd banging coming from upstairs. Went up and he had a huge encyclopedia and was hitting himself repeatedly over the head with it - so hard I could hear it through the floor! He has a horribly bruised forehead and was screaming and wailing for over an hour telling me he deserves to be hurt for being so bad and even that he didn't deserve to live. Then I found out he'd tried to choke himself, but when it didn't work starting hitting himself with the book instead.

Sat on the landing with him for ages, hugging him on my knee and had a long serious talk about how precious life is, how much we all love him, how awful it would be for us all if he wasn't here and how it badly it would affect us all if he ever did anything bad to himself. Plus all the usual stuff about no-one ever deserving to be punished by violence or hurting of any kind and how Mum and Dad never hit or hurt, but I couldn't talk him round. He was distraught and convinced he deserved to die. Not in a melodramatic way, but rather a genuinely distressed and distraught way.

Eventually I thought about using rules to get the message across and told him that I decide the punishments in this house and I would be very upset and angry if he took it upon himself to decide his own punishment. Then finally he said he wouldn't hurt himself again because it would upset me and break the rules. Phew!

Honestly, I am still shaking and now very scared about what we are facing when he is a teenager and has hormones added into the mix. The ILs were supposed to be coming to visit this evening for the first time in aeons, but I had to call dh and ask him to cancel them - no way I could deal with a visit from them on top of all that stress.

Feel like I need to do something to unwind, but have to finish ds1's parental advice form instead, because the blooming LEA have changed the form since I did mine and there are now a few different questions plus several of the originals that have a slightly different slant than on the original form. It has to be in by next Tuesday at the lastest and with Christmas post and everything else I have on this week, I have decided I am not going to bed tonight until the damn thing is finally finished. At least I have longer to work on it now the ILs aren't coming I suppose.

gosh, that all sounds a bit dramatic. clever quick thinking though - at least you were able to come up with a reason that he identified with. poor little lamb - i expect the whole christmas end of term exhaustion is the reason it affected him even more than usual. we all need a break, kids too!

at least you know he's keeping up with the nt peers by logging onto websites he's been told not to though i think i'd bury my head in the sand about teen hormones if i were you. it's working quite well for me at the mo.

good luck with your advice form. at least it will be gone by christmas and there'll be nothing to do but wait and wonder...

have a quiet and productive evening x

Thanks madwoman. I suspect you are right about the whole christmas disruption and exhaustion being at the root of it all.

In a surreal kind of twist to the evening, we have just had a very soggy Santa on our doorstep, as the local Round Table are doing the rounds on their float in the middle of a storm! Ds1 was even more bemused after that. He still hasn't forgiven himself, but has promised faithfully not to hurt himself again.

I shouldn't be here, just came online to google some clever words to add into my form and MN is my homepage!

go away!
i miss the rotary santa i used to go and do the door knocking and collecting with them every year with their float. i don't remember it ever raining though!!!

Oops, sorry Madwoman.

I have to confess that I am slightly phobic about the whole Christmas Round Table thing. Well actually, I have a thing about people who are dressed up in costumes, so that's part of it, but the Round Table Santas have always scared me. Even the music terrifies me. Apparently I used to insist on keeping all the curtains closed and hide from them behind the sofa as a child. Mind you - I wouldn't let Mum allow Father Christmas in my bedroom either.

Well, ds1 spent the morning before school trying to persuade his brother to hurt him 'because I deserve it' and has threatened to rip up the project he's being doing with his best friend on computer games. Dh spoke to his teacher this morning to warn her about his general mood and explain what happened and she said that because he deliberately hurt himself (major bruise on his forehead this morning despite lashings of arnica) she will have to report it to the SENCO and have a meeting about safeguarding. Now I'm sitting here worried to death about where all this could lead. All this over one sneaky play on a banned computer game.

I got the advice form completed at 1.30 am, but still have to go over it with dh tonight to check for corrections, make sure I've referenced the right appendices in the right places and try to work out if I've missed anything. With any luck I should be able to post it tomorrow by next day recorded. Am fretting that I've written too much and included too much evidence for this stage, as if they agree to assess (unlikely) I will have to do another submission anyway.

On a more postive note, am 10 stone 12lbs and holding, so at least somethings going right!

don't fret. they just have to report it because he has a noticeable injury - and as long he admits how he did it, there'll be no repercussions at all. it's the unexplained injuries that ring safeguarding bells, or the ones where the parents come up with one story and the child another. as it's explained, they'll probably just make a note and it won't go anywhere else - and record it only so that they can refer back if there are recurrences. (hopefully not x) it shouldn't leave school.

i was going to ask if you'd finished your advice form. have you included future concerns over likelihood of self harm and ramped up the self esteem problem? maybe the issues with the form were meant to be - to cause a delay and allow you to glimpse a potential concern that needs to be included now? i do think it's all exacerbated by the time of year, but better safe than sorry.

any chance of keeping him home for a day or two to sleep it all off and play computer games get some fresh air?

ds1 took 50 minutes to eat one slice of toast this morning. at least he had butter on it - he's been eating it dry, but i know he won't eat his lunch, and he's got climbing after school. he also drew all over his arms with biro yesterday, and looks like nothing on earth. huge bags under his eyes and pale behind his freckles. he has to see the psych again on thurs. I'm sure she's going to take one look at him and recoil in horror. i have got to get him into bed early tonight, preferably after a huge meal and a long epsom salts bath to soak the next layer of biro off...

Thanks madwoman. He's had a good day at school today and seems to have calmed right down. Didn't even see his teacher and not notes in his feelings diary, so it seems its all ok. I offered to keep him home today, but he wanted to go in as since he's had this teacher, he actually likes going to school for the first time in years.

I haven't actually got any concerns about self-harming into the future concerns section of the form, as he's never done anything like that before and I was working from my original document. I'm hoping to finally put it to bed after we get back from his Christingle service this evening, so will try to work something in.

There is a whole section there on 'progress in learning and education compared to peers' which wasn't in the original form, so I had to write that from scratch at around midnight and I'm pretty sure it needs plenty of work. I need to get across that - no he's not what would be considered behind academically for his age, but his achievement is nowhere near his potential (as stated by this year's teacher repeatedly and in a direct quote from his y4 report). We also have evidence of work produced on the computer in a quiet non-stimulating environment and according to this year's teacher his achievement is off the scale under those conditions, whereas he is just topping average on a good day in the classroom either handwritten or using his AlphaSmart. Also that its not so much the areas that can be given a clear NC level that we are concerned about, but rather social skills, emotional literacy and control, anxiety regulation, communication skills and physical development including handwriting, fine motor, core strength and gross motor and balance skills etc.

I don't really care about the NC levels thing. Obviously it would be great if he could ace school with little effort and its not right for him, or any child for that matter, to not to meet his potential due to things that are beyond his control, but even with all the problems he still gets decent grades in most areas, so we are fairly sure he will pass his exams when the time comes. What worries me sick is his psychological and emotional state, self-esteem and ability to get on in this world without become a lonely outsider who develops all sorts of co-morbid psych conditions.

Reading the form, I think their first response is going to be "Yes, well this reads like the form of a child that has ASD. What's so special about this child that means that he should get a statement when others with ASD get by in similar situations. We will tell the school to continue supporting him (note in lieu at best ) and turn down the request for SA".

I think the main reason is that a lot of what comes across is psych/emotional/anxiety stuff, which is all ASD related, but they will think it should be dealt with by someone like CAMHS - who have already refused to see him.

I will reapply straight away, but am at a bit of a loss to know how I can change things so that they will listen. Am really hoping the school has something in their submission that's going to swing it. Either that or the Inclusion Team's report will be the thing that tips the balance, as he was their priority child for support during transition to this school year.

Your poor ds1, this time of year is so hard on our kids isn't it. Have you made any progress on deciding whether or not to Home Ed?

Whoa - that was a whopping post. Sorry, got interrupted about ten times and didn't realise it had grown quite that big.

good to get it all out. and a bit of a sigh of relief that he seems to have calmed down today!

decision still pending for home ed. he's got the final day of his psycho-ed assessments on thursday, and then we have our parental feedback meeting next week. so a lot depends on what sort of picture the psych gets i think...

it worries me a bit, because of course all of the tests and the assessments she's done have all been 1-1 with him, which is where he thrives (hence the home ed blah) - it's in a busier. more pressured or more distracting environment that he either zones out completely or goes off in the wrong direction, or starts mildly stimming or whatever. but she's got observations from his teacher, so i guess we just have to wait and see.

i'm hoping she will have nailed him. quite how, i'm not sure, but i'm willing to be convinced. but if she just sees him as a bright boy who's great 1-1 then i'm not sure if it will be helpful (other than backing up my thoughts re he... but i kind of need acknowledgement about how/ if he can reach his potential in a school setting too... i know he would be fine, but i need to know if school can work...)

does that make any sense?

He sounds very similar to my ds in terms of the 1:1 and quiet distraction free environment thing. In fact I've written that almost word for word on the parental advice form. 1:1 teachers, professionals etc love him and often can't see him as anything other than a very well spoken and intelligent child. Its when he's surrounded by people, noise, movement and under pressure to focus and learn that it all falls to pieces. He also zones out, in fact the paed checked him for absence seizures last year because it was happening so often and he was missing huge chunks of lessons. The difference between what he produces at home on the computer and what he produces in class is unbelievable - its like two different children produced the work.

Is she likely to do any classroom observations of him? I would have thought that should be done as a matter of course for any child that's struggling in an educational setting.

If it helps, the Clinical Psych that did ds1's ADOS saw right through the intelligent, well spoken child thing and picked up on all sorts of nuances that someone less experienced would have missed. So there's every chance that if your psych knows her stuff she'll have got the measure of him by now.

.. and yes, it makes perfect sense.

Well, I have just been cornered by the SENCO and ds's teacher after the Christingle service and bless them they were lovely. There was no issue re safeguarding, what they wanted to do was find out what they could be doing to support us around this issue. They even went online to find out what they could/should be doing and to find advice on how we can help ds to move on from last night and get past the negativity he's feeling towards himself. They are going to inform his ASD Inclusion Teacher and her boss, just to get further advice and support and to make sure they are aware of this as a potential problem in future, but they have no concerns regarding our parenting and both said that we seem to have handled it exactly right. So, all good really.

We have made christmas cards and wrapped the gifts he picked out for his teachers this afternoon and he put in a massive effort with his teachers' cards, especially his handwriting inside them. He also did fantastically at the Christingle service. I could clearly see where he was sitting (with his teacher sitting on the floor to the side of him, bless her - again). There was hardly any wriggling and he even sang along to the hymns, which is something I have never seen him do in a school production or service before. His teacher says you could actually see the effort he was putting in to stop himself from wriggling and to listen and participate. There was only one point in the whole service where he was up on his knees instead of sitting down and the rest of the time he sat really well.

Not sure if I'll be online tomorrow night - depending on the outcome of my appointment so I'll say hope all goes well for ds on Thursday, iyswim tonight instead.

good luck for tomorrow - will be thinking of you. always worrying, but remember it could be nothing at all - they have a habit of forgetting why they even wanted to see you half the time.

glad ds had a good service and school sound great.

(oh, she wanted to do school observations, but because it's so far out of the city they were going to charge us about £500 for travel expenses alone - as she's $210 an hour... then she said if school could film him she would review without the travel expenses. school agreed, but then came back a week later and said they couldn't because of FOI. so yes, a school obs would have been great. but she's had to just have written observation notes from the teacher instead, so we'll see what she says. i guess we could ask her to do it later if she has any doubts...)

(that knees thing made me laugh - ds1 does that when everyone is sitting in the circle at cubs. it makes me crazy! he tucks his feet up behind and holds onto them, and just balances on his knees, tottering to and fro...)

good luck, good luck good luck - sending healthy and calm vibes x

Ha ha! That's exactly how ds1 sits on his school chair - and at the dinner table for that matter. That is when he isn't sitting on the floor with his elbows on his chair, as he was reported in one particularly memorable observation report.

£500 + £210 an hour! Blimey, how can they justify that sort of money. Fingers crossed the teachers observations will be enough then - I know ds1's made for an eyepopping read when they were done by the EPs and Inclusion Team Leader.

Thanks for all the good vibes. Am sure it will turn out to be nothing, but can't help wibbling just a bit.

Off to eat some incredibly naughty pizza now. Tis very naughty, but its late and I'm knackered so needs must tonight I'm afraid.

hope today was ok x

Thanks madwoman.

Well, the mri showed more small lesions, of a similar type to last time - but as the idiotic NHS have burned the films from my previous mri they couldn't do a side by side comparison. They were unable to identify exactly what the cause is, but have ruled out clotting/vascular factors based on my previous blood tests results and are left with a few possibles of which the most likely dx would be MS. If it is MS though, I'm not a typical case. Apparently I have a lot of the symptoms, but all in the wrong order. Although she did say that MS is a really weird illness that can present in wildly different ways for different people.

I have to go for a lumbar puncture in January, plus some other tests I have forgotten the name of that trace the speed of nerve messages from your feet, hands and eyes to the brain.

The appointment was a whopping 50 minutes long, she took some more of my medical history today, regarding what have always been thought of as ME crisis episodes and went from 'I would like you to have these tests, but its up to you' at the start of the appointment, to 'I am going to book you in for the tests today' by the end.

So, we are not really any closer to a dx. Even the results of the tests can't give a definitive yes or no to MS, but if certain markers are absent from both my cerebral fluid and blood, then it means its highly unlikely.

I did ask what would be their next move if that happened and she said that my symptoms and brain lesions are concerning and obviously have a cause, but we would have eliminated the most worrying possibilities and she may decide at that point to assume its CFS/ME related and not take it any further - unless of course the tests throw up more questions that necessitate further investigation.

Not sure how I feel about all that yet. I do know that I am not at all happy that the lumbar puncture is done on an in-patient basis and you have to be ready to go in straight away on the day they call you. She did make a note of the fact that I have a three children, including a toddler and a child with ASD, so can't just drop evertything at a moment's notice and said I will probably get 24 hours notice maximum, as a result.

Hi Mama, am sorry you seem to be no clearly and need to have a lumbar done. Its all left you in limbo over Christmas, which is one thing you didn't want.

How are the DC? Did you finish your assessment for DS?

All ok with me, knee is (touch wood! [Overtired bangs loudly on her head!!]) doing great, no twinges, no pain...... am hoping I may be over the worst of it. May try some gentle shredding for a day or two and see what happens.

Ax