If you have lost a lot of weight, do you prefer.....

[CharlotteRumpling]

(a) people to compliment you by saying wow, you have lost a lot of weight,
(b) people to compliment you by saying "you look well".
(c) people to say nothing at all.

I am not on WLI myself.

I met an acquaintance yesterday after some months, and she was about half her size. I went with option C as I was too cowardly to say anything, but she did look great. May not have been WLI, but I think it is, as the difference is quite marked. If she was a close friend, I might have gone with B.

I most like the ones who ask with concern. “You’ve lost a lot of weight, are you OK?” Or “I hope it was intended and not due to health issues”.

Worst are the ones who go “Something has changed, new glasses? New dress? New shoes?” - just bloody ask if I’ve lost weight!

Overall, I prefer B to A. C is fine as well.

What I don’t like is some variation on “are you done yet”, “are you planning to lose more” or the infamous “don’t go too far.” It particularly annoys me when people tell me I have lost enough or call me skinny - when my BMI is around 30.

What intrigues me is that no-one has ever asked me if I used WLI to lose the 5 stone. I didn’t - but there is so much coverage of them on the news, and so many people have commented on the weight loss, I’d have thought at least one would have asked that question.

People don’t really think like that, they are not sitting thinking wow she’s fat.

but they do notice it, the one thing about being fat is no matter how we dress, it’s always noticeable, people try to kid themselves fhey carry it well or they are heavier than they look, as people never say wow you’re fat. They always lie about it,

Too late for me, I always speak before I think.
I actually asked how he did it as I was mighty impressed. This was before I knew how common WLI were. He said cardio training.
This was someone I spoke to online several times a week and didn't recognise when I saw in person.

I’ve lost over 90lbs and it’s very noticeable that my shape has really changed. I don’t mind people saying anything positive, it’s really lovely to get compliments!
What I hate are the comments which assume WLI are a miracle cure and that I’ve lost the weight passively. Staying under 1400 calories a day for over a year, upping my exercise and completing changing my diet isn’t easy, even though the jabs have made it far more achievable than anything I’ve tried before.
The most telling comments have been “I guess I’m the fat friend now”, “Stop losing as I look fat compared to you”, “I wouldn’t have bothered going spinning if I’d known I could just inject myself”, “you’re looking skinny”, “don’t go too far” etc
When I was over 250lbs I was fascinated by seeing larger friends in their new bodies; I found it inspiring and I was always genuinely thrilled for them because I couldn’t imagine myself like that. Being jealous or nasty was never my reaction but I’ve been shocked at what’s been said to me. Its only highlighted how much women are programmed to value themselves through the lens of weight and their physical appearance.

I look different because I’m happy, genuinely at ease because my BP is normal, liver function normal, I can move more freely, don’t have dents in my shoulders or sores under my boobs or on my inner thighs and my ankles don’t swell every night. I have loose skin and my boobs won’t win any prizes but health wise I’m so very happy.
So yes, say something but make it celebratory and supportive!

I want people to comment and say I've lost weight. I've lost three and a half stone and met up with some friends who hadn't seen me for ages and no one said a word...I was pretty pissed off!

In theory, I'd prefer C. However, I've lost 11 stone (which is more than half my body weight) so it can be the proverbial elephant in the room when the person is clearly taken aback but says nothing.

How do you even do this though without looking boastful..?

@Comedycook I don't! I absolutely don't want to talk about my weight loss, or my body or my size. So I don't ever raise it, in any way. So no issues with seeming "boastful".

Very easily,

how are you> great been on a health kick recently, so have lost some weight blah blah

@Nighttimeistherightime you need new friends! Nobody in my life has said anything other than super supportive things.

Not ‘you look well’, which I always thought was code for ‘gee, you’ve put on a few pounds’!
I like a spontaneous ‘you look great’! You say ‘thanks’, return the compliment and then change the subject.

C. I work with a lot of GPs only one has commented. I’m sure the others have guessed but they don’t say anything!

I’d like option B, or something like “you’re looking great” is always nice! I’ve lost 4 stone on WLIs but I don’t particularly want to talk about it to everyone I meet (I’m open about it to close friends and some family) but I can’t be arsed with being judged by people, so I’m not open about it with people whose reaction I wouldn’t be sure about. I wouldn’t like either A or C. A it’s like they’re trying to prompt you to say how you did it and C just leaves the awkward elephant floating round the room.

I definitely want people to notice. I may be taking WLIs but I’m also working bloody hard with my diet and in the gym.
I lost 4 stones in 6 months a few years ago, I had been off work all that time. Not one person commented, I was pretty pissed off! I knew it was noticeable because everyone else commented.

I have found that other woman will ask if I’ve lost weight but men will comment that I look well. I’ve lost 6 stones so far on MJ

I've gone from Size 24 to Size 14 (so far) and it's very noticeable.

Most people say a variation of "You look amazing", which I'm fine with and makes me feel great.

I find it odd when people say nothing, because it's so obvious. For example if someone had a black eye, I'd express concern without prying, rather than ignore what is obviously in front of my eyes. I understand some people feel that ignoring obvious things like this is best/right and why they think that, I disagree though - linked to reasons about human connection. I read about the author of Fight Club who said his inspiration for the book came from the fact that people who've obviously been in a fight go about their normal working life with others too polite to mention it.

Anyway, I digress...

What's interesting to me is the demographic of people who ignore my significant appearance change. There is definitely psychology at play.

For context, I'm a secondary school assistant headteacher.
● Not one student has passed comment
● My own children have only recently started mentioning my weight loss
● Very few male colleagues have said anything.
● Comments regularly and consistantly from multiple female members of staff tho.
● Not one women who is themselves the sort of size I was, has passed comment on my weight loss ir change in appearance.

@AmberLime
That’s amazing weight loss! Well done! 👏
Interesting that you mention your working environment, I was also a teacher but not one colleague or student commented.

@AmberLime

Not one student has passed comment

Of course - it’s not appropriate for students to comment on teachers’ appearance. They could well be talking about it behind your back.

● My own children have only recently started mentioning my weight loss

Family dynamics are weird. Do you have history of big weight loss followed by regain? Maybe they think it would be better not to comment in case you end up putting it back on. That seems to be my DH’s logic - I’ve gone from 24 to 16, and not a word of congratulation or compliment.

● Very few male colleagues have said anything.

They've been socialised that commenting on women’s appearance in the workplace is not OK. Especially complimenting, can be construed as sexual harassment. Again, you don’t know what they are saying between themselves when you’re not there.

● Comments regularly and consistantly from multiple female members of staff tho.

Women are socialised to comment on one another’s appearance, and especially to prize slimness.

● Not one women who is themselves the sort of size I was, has passed comment on my weight loss ir change in appearance.

Maybe they’re happy as they are and are one of those people who genuinely don’t attach value to someone’s size. More likely, they have tried desperately to lose weight and have not been able to, or they’ve done it and put it back on, and are completely and utterly demoralised. And to compliment you might beg the question of why they don’t do the same. And maybe they’re jealous…. but more likely, they feel hopeless. At least, that was what it was for me when I was the big one not commenting on someone else’s weight loss.

Thanks PuzzledObserver, I'd already given a lot of thought to the psychology and come up with similar answers. I find it intriguing and something worth more discussion.

My own children is the only one that doesn't follow your logic. I've only lost weight once before in my life, about 10y ago. I'm not a serial dieter, that time and this one (with Mounjaro) are my only weight losses. I don't "do" diets, I'm generally of the "your option of me doesn't matter to me, because I know I'm great" variety and have no incentive to diet because I have no psychological issue with being big.

My children are teen and young adults. They knew I was eating healthy and in a WL journey, but I don't think clocked the amount I lost. Maybe because they see me too often to realise the change? Buying new work clothes was the trigger for comments from them.

Your kids probably just didn’t notice cos they see you so often. My kids are much younger and I’m pretty sure they haven’t noticed. They’ve never mentioned it anyway. A mix of them seeing me so often and not being observant enough or maybe not understanding or knowing the words to describe weight loss. Come to think of it I’m pretty sure my 5 yo doesn’t understand the concept of losing & putting on weight yet.

Students at school aren’t going to comment, esp if you’re the assistant head. I’m sure they’re thinking it though. Male colleagues are probably paranoid about it being interpreted as some sort of inappropriate comment/harassment. Big women are unlikely to comment because it probably makes them feel uncomfortable about their own weight. Congratulating you probably makes them feel a sense of failure for not being able to lose weight like you. Or even if they don’t feel that way, if they’re uncomfortable with their own weight they probably don’t want to draw attention to it by commenting on your weight loss

Kids usually just love their parents whatever, they don’t always see our size. My kids don’t remember me 20 stone and I’m half the size now.

A guy I am seeing regularly has lost 3 stone without me noticing. It’s because I don’t see his weight because I’m so into him as a person.

I have teenage children...the other we were driving and my ds just randomly said "mum, are you on ozempic"?! So he had definitely noticed. My DD and I went shopping and we became separated in a shop...she said it was hard to find me as I look so different now.

I’m not a mother (hence my username). So the workings of the teen and young adult mind are a bit opaque to me. It could be they see y0u so often, like you say, with an added dose of they don’t really LOOK at you. Who knows?

My own experience is mainly being the morbidly obese person who is not losing weight (at the moment). Having a friend who is doing great can be really difficult. Even a random person who is talking about their own weight loss is hard - they want me to cheer them on, but I don’t want to. At the same time, I’m aware that when I’ve lost weight myself, other peoples comments are sometimes wonderful and sometimes totally cringeworthy. I just wish they wouldn’t notice me, you know? Cos I am constantly terrified that it won’t last….well, I used to be terrified. Not any more.

You look great is fine.
What is not fine is going on and on and on about how much weight I have lost and ooooh how much heavier I was in front of a dozen people in out open office. Yes I was fat, we all get it, Sandra!