Please help me to help my husband...

[JustForFun007]

Bit long but please bear with me...

As the title says, I’m really desperate to help my husband with his weight loss, but I’m running out of options. We’ve been through this cycle so many times—eating well, exercising, seeing his weight drop, only for something to trigger him, and he falls right back into unhealthy habits.

At home, I can control things to some extent, though cooking healthy meals is a challenge because he’s very picky. But when it comes to his lunches at work, I completely lose control. We work in London, and with the money to eat out every day, he always opts for kebabs, burgers, and chips. He’ll argue that something like a chicken kebab is grilled and therefore “can’t be that bad,” but I know it’s part of a bigger issue.

His BMI is 32, and although we managed to lower his cholesterol once, it’s likely back up now. I constantly talk to him about the long-term risks to his health, but he says his brain won’t let him resist sugary, unhealthy foods. It honestly feels like an addiction—which it probably is.

I should mention that I’m the complete opposite of him when it comes to body weight. I’ve been extremely lucky in that I’ve never had to diet, so I don’t have personal experience with what he’s going through. That’s why I’m reaching out for ideas—I want to help, but I’m not sure how. Whenever he voices his struggles, like how his brain won’t let him shake off sugar cravings, I listen and try to be supportive. I’ve told him I understand he’s struggling, but that seems to trigger him. He’ll say I don’t understand at all and often just walks away from the conversation. We don’t argue, but he shuts down completely.

I’ve tried every trick in the book—heartfelt conversations, meal plans, meal boxes personal trainers, even tears and pleading—but nothing sticks. Therapy was something I suggested, and I even offered to go with him, but he won’t budge on that either. It’s as if no amount of encouragement, love, or even fear of shortening his lifespan is enough to push him to make lasting changes.

Please don’t tell me to just give up or let him spiral if he doesn’t want to change. We vowed “in sickness and in health,” and this feels very much like the “in sickness” part.

I’ve read about injections as a potential option. I know mindset is key, but maybe—just maybe—this could help? I’m at a complete loss and really don’t know what else to try. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

He has to want to do it. Like any addiction, you cannot help an addict if they are not able to admit they need help and seek it for themselves.

I know it’s frustrating, worrying, upsetting. I know. But there’s literally nothing you can do if he isn’t ready to.

I just wouldn't get this involved! There's more to this OP. He has to want to do it himself, you can't control what he eats. He's an adult. You can encourage him, but you sound way too invested. Does he expect you to do all this for him?

IME, the jabs are really effective at stopping cravings - IF he wants to take them ...

The injections are a good option and he is a high enough weight to get them. Done people find they work immediately and sone have to wait until month 3 or 4 on the higher doses until they feel a difference.

They are very effective on the addictive mindless aspect of overeating. He should want to eat less, have a lower capacity and think about food less generally.

Saying all this, most people still need to work. You can't just let it do the job for you. Does he want to lose weight? This is key.

Also it has the same problems as any other diet that your appetite will return when you stop taking it and some/many people will regain the weight so there are lifestyle changes needed long term.

As an aside. Men often find a ketogenic diet very effective and this has an appetite suppressant effect too. I did this with mounjaro and found it worked very well in combination. Keto also means he can have his kebab with some tweaks (throw away the bread) which he may find an easier adjustment.

Its his body and his choice. You cannot and should not get involved with it, any more than you should wipe his arse for him.

A BMI of 32 is too high but not exactly death's door territory. Plenty of people decide they'd rather be slightly fat than constantly on diets. Maybe some people prefer to eat the chips even if it means a few years less of being in your 80s with a fairly low quality of life anyway?

He gets to decide what he eats. You get to decide whether to stay with him, have sex with him etc. You're coming close to being controlling and it would make me want to eat more to be honest. Most people don't say 'oh yes I'll do that' if someone else sets a rule for them. If he told you to only wear green or something, you'd resent it.

Sorry, I've just seen this is in the weight loss injection topic.

I mean, that really is something you will have to let him do on his own!

I'd start banging on about the risks of diabetes and having to inject himself for every meal, and every time his blood sugar shoots up randomly.

Nobody wants to go through that...
that or maybe something like slimming world? Would he try that?

I know someone who is autistic and would just eat and eat. She is on ozempic, it has really switched her appetite off. Lost 3 stone in 6 months.

You've posted in Weightloss Injections board so we're definitely going to suggest weightloss injections 😊 but only because it works for most of us here. We're a supportive bunch and a lot of people here have struggled like your husband. Hence the need.

Your husband would meet the criteria with his bmi as long as he doesn't have some illnesses like pancreatitis, etc or take some medications such as Warfarin, etc.

You can check the list of registered providers and go through the consultations with whichever one you chose. He can be approved and on his way to a better health within the week. There are cheaper ones and more expensive ones. Check out the ratings for each and the actual experience on this board too.

https://monj.co.uk/

The thing though is that he still has to do the work with diet to lose weight. The good thing is that Mounjaro will help curb his appetite for these things so that he can stick to a better diet or much lower calories or both.

Jabs come with risks, serious ones in some cases but also commonly nausea etc. you don't inject yourself and go through that just on your wife's say-so

@Seagall no he doesn't expect me to do it for him.
In regards to that "there is something more to it" it probably is. He is very stressed due to work, he can't quit (tied up in there for legal/money reasons)
It's, me who wants to help him... I'm struggling to see him spiralling like that, I can't just sit and wait for him to get a heart attack that's why I'm investing myself to help him and to support him. Otherwise, what's the point of even being in a relationship/marriage if we're not ready to help each other ?

At home, I can control things to some extent, though cooking healthy meals is a challenge because he’s very picky. But when it comes to his lunches at work, I completely lose control.

Genuinely, OP. If someone talked about me and control in the same sentence like this, I think it would make things worse. This is not something you can control for him like he's a toddler and trying to is likely to damage your marriage and be counterproductive for his health.

Perhaps stepping back from it and giving him the space and freedom to make decisions for himself might be useful. I know you don't want to hear it, but it might be the best thing you can do for his (overall) health.

Sorry there were no replies when I started to type my post above. My first line probably wouldn't have been necessary if I had seen them. 😃

I help and support my dh. He's a bit overweight. I do most of the cooking and it's healthy because that's what I like. We don't have biscuits etc at home. If he wants to buy a meal deal with a coke and a twix at lunchtime that's on him. I never think about it tbh. I hear you are worried but if crying and begging haven't worked I'm not sure what will.

I'm not sure having a wife trying to control his eating and crying over his weight will be helping his stress levels OP.

I felt you were using the word 'control' a bit loosely so I didn't zero in on that. If he's happy for you to help him control his weight, then there's nothing wrong with that. However, if it's not something he's open to and receptive about, there's nothing you can do to help him.

He has to want to take the injections as it's not something someone can make someone else inject even for their own health.

@CoverMeInMarmalade guess using the word “control at home” wasn't the wisest to use. What I meant was that I cook at home, so what I cook he will eat, except some things he just doesn't like which is fine.

@TiredOfNames thanks.
It's not like I'm saying - you have to do this or that.
He knows he need to lose weight, he's not oblivious to it, but it's struggling with cravings mainly sugary stuff

Fair enough. But weight is biologically and psychologically complex and it just isn't something you can do for anyone else unless they are 100% receptive to it. No matter how worried you are, you cannot make this choice for him.

Stress is a known weight-gainer. It really seems to me like the weight is secondary to other issues and personally I would start there. You worry about his health and the stress will get him before a BMI of 32 does. I know you say he cannot quit, but it often feels that way but it's rarely really true - and even if it is, there are other ways to change your life to reduce stress.

In terms of the weight. It's helpful to realise it's often not a psychological compulsion for sugar, it's a biological one. His body chemistry is driving him to eat sugar - it is often linked to things like insulin resistence. Again, that needs tackling before the sugar craving can stop. Weight loss injections are one way to do that. But as others have said, he needs to WANT to take them. They are not cheap and they require dietary change in order to make the most of them and to minimise nasty side effects.

Lack of exercise would worry me more than a grilled chicken kebab tbh

@Cerialkiller he most definitely wants to lose weight. We did PT, the gym etc. There was some decent results as well, weight was going down quite quick and he could see the difference in clothes. But, like I mentioned, a life event would trigger him into eating "bad stuff", we bounce back to where we started and he loses entire motivation. Cravings are an issue and he recognise that but like I said, he says his brain doesn't let him not have sugary stuff.
My post may have come across as he is against losing weight, that's most definitely not the case.

I don't personally take thw weight loss drugs but they sound brilliant for this type of food craving. Would he be receptive to taking them?

If food is being used as emotional support he will probably need to unpick that.

Have you talked to him about weight loss injections? They would work if he wanted to do that. You sound very fixated on this op and that isn't going to help your husband at all since his response to stress is to eat. He may or may not drop dead of a heart attack in his 50s - probably not but there are no guarantees. You seem to believe that this is definitely going to happen if you can't get him to control his weight. You have no power at all in this which must be frustrating but you need to accept that. If you want to do something then focus on making your relationship a happy, non judgemental place. Go dancing, for lovely walks, have adventures and lots of sex and never, ever comment on what he eats.

If you want to do something then focus on making your relationship a happy, non judgemental place. Go dancing, for lovely walks, have adventures and lots of sex and never, ever comment on what he eats

Brilliant advice! I love this!

How is his sleep, does he snore? My DH eats badly due to sleep apnoa which causes a lack of REM sleep which means the brain is on hyperdrive to increase dopamine, usually via eating carbs. If he snores it may be worth getting him tested for this as it is easily treatable.

@Lovelyview we spoke about the injections. It was actually him who brought up the subject of Ozempic (when the first boom happen).
At the moment it's neither yes he wants injections or no he definitely doesn't want injections. It is something that he may consider. I am just looking for advice, ideas on how can I support him with the weight loss as I don't have any experience at all or know anyone personally who could provide an advice.