Please help me to help my husband...

[JustForFun007]

Bit long but please bear with me...

As the title says, I’m really desperate to help my husband with his weight loss, but I’m running out of options. We’ve been through this cycle so many times—eating well, exercising, seeing his weight drop, only for something to trigger him, and he falls right back into unhealthy habits.

At home, I can control things to some extent, though cooking healthy meals is a challenge because he’s very picky. But when it comes to his lunches at work, I completely lose control. We work in London, and with the money to eat out every day, he always opts for kebabs, burgers, and chips. He’ll argue that something like a chicken kebab is grilled and therefore “can’t be that bad,” but I know it’s part of a bigger issue.

His BMI is 32, and although we managed to lower his cholesterol once, it’s likely back up now. I constantly talk to him about the long-term risks to his health, but he says his brain won’t let him resist sugary, unhealthy foods. It honestly feels like an addiction—which it probably is.

I should mention that I’m the complete opposite of him when it comes to body weight. I’ve been extremely lucky in that I’ve never had to diet, so I don’t have personal experience with what he’s going through. That’s why I’m reaching out for ideas—I want to help, but I’m not sure how. Whenever he voices his struggles, like how his brain won’t let him shake off sugar cravings, I listen and try to be supportive. I’ve told him I understand he’s struggling, but that seems to trigger him. He’ll say I don’t understand at all and often just walks away from the conversation. We don’t argue, but he shuts down completely.

I’ve tried every trick in the book—heartfelt conversations, meal plans, meal boxes personal trainers, even tears and pleading—but nothing sticks. Therapy was something I suggested, and I even offered to go with him, but he won’t budge on that either. It’s as if no amount of encouragement, love, or even fear of shortening his lifespan is enough to push him to make lasting changes.

Please don’t tell me to just give up or let him spiral if he doesn’t want to change. We vowed “in sickness and in health,” and this feels very much like the “in sickness” part.

I’ve read about injections as a potential option. I know mindset is key, but maybe—just maybe—this could help? I’m at a complete loss and really don’t know what else to try. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Exercise is fantastic for general health but isnt a great tool for weight loss, i fact lots of people find it triggers overeating because it makes you revenous. if he is obese then it will have a higher impact on his joints too. I find its better to focus on the food side first then introduce exercise nearer to goal weight as a motivating factor for keeping it off and maintaining health.

It sounds like one bad day can trigger him into a long term regression. Have you tried the more intermittent dieting techniques? 5:2 or a short eating window (16:8)? It seems that prolonged restriction doesn't work currently for him so practicing a delay don't deny might suit him? All of these would work well with injectables if it comes to that.

@Samphire44 that's interesting. He does snore, not excessively and not every day. I never heard of what you described but definitely would look into it. Thank you

The thing is OP it sounds as though you are trying to help and are stressing yourself and he is just saying 'but it's toooo haaaard'.

Your DH sounds like mine, is picky. Is he picky in that he doesn't really like veg (except carrots), fish, salad? All the good stuff. Unless HE faces his weight and decides enough is enough you are going to get nowhere.

I would suggest the weight loss drug to him and see what he does, it needs to be driven by him. Is he ready to change his eating habits and research better ways to eat/try new things? Stop taking responsibility for his health.

@Cerialkiller yes we did try intermittent fasting along with high protein diets, really made an effort with cutting sugars.
I wouldn't say he is obese, he is very tall but all weight seems to accumulate around his stomach, arms, legs and even his back don't look overweight at all.

If his bmi is 32, then he's classed as obese. He has to be obese to qualify for the injections or be overweight (from 27 bmi) with other weight-related illness.

You got there first, was just typing this myself. a BMI of 30 or above is clinically obese.

@1apenny2apenny

Sorry, I laughed about the carrots comment 😁
He isn't THAT picky but almost.. he'll eat fish, sea food, lean meat, various veg, meat in almost every shape and form. The biggest struggle is "sides" so no grains apart of rice and that's sometimes questionable. Snack wise... won't touch nuts or museli or anything like that so breakfast wise we don't have many options, will eat fruit but only few selected one.

@Cerialkiller I stand corrected - doesn't look obese. Yes, clinically he is obese.

This sounds like you are treating him as a child this is OTT

He is an adult and responsible for himself

Like any kind of addiction, the motivation to stop and reset really has to come from the person themselves OP. You clearly really want to help, but unless he is willing to put in the work and stick at it and, more importantly, BELIEVE that he can make the changes that will lead to lifelong good habits and weight control, you can be as keen and helpful as you like, but it won't help. In his head, he's a victim of his biology, helpless in the face of it, and that mindset is what needs to change.

My DH has struggled with his weight his whole adult life and I've heard every excuse under the sun about it, but the bottom line is that he is an emotional eater. When he's stressed (and his job is very stressful a lot of the time), he inhales large amounts of food very quickly. He is also a binge drinker. He doesn't drink every day, but when he does he drinks a lot, often very quickly. He just started on Mounjaro (he got a private prescription) and although he's still on the intro dose he says it's working and he feels less hungry. He's already lost 2kg in a week. But more than that, he's finally being honest about his eating habits. He also understands that MJ is a just a tool to get him started with his weight loss, but that the hard work needs to come from him. If you go on those drugs and don't change your mindset and eating habits, you'll just put the weight back on again when you have to come off them. That's why the motivation needs to come from the person themselves.

I think that a therapist who is experienced in working with people who are emotional eaters could help your DH get to the point where he is being honest about his weight and really wants to get a grip for own health and longevity. He's got to get out of that victim mindset and into a positive one where he understands and believes that HE is in control, not this addiction. No one is making him eat unhealthy food - he's the one buying it and putting it in his mouth - but as long as he feels helpless to resist that impulse, he will be.

I mean this as kindly as possible but you imo might have a thin person's idea of what healthy food it. Muesli (oats) isn't necessarily a healthy breakfast ditto any grain based food (bread etc) which can be quite inflammatory for someone who struggles with their weight.

Have you tried him reducing grains and eating a higher fat, low processed diet? Natural yogurt with raspberries, or an omelette for example? Fat is important nutritionally and satiating. If he is like me, eating a carb heavy breakfast will spike his insulin levels leading to more hunger and him reaching for quick fix food later in the morning or over lunch.

I actually felt much better skipping breakfast entirely.

Anyway this has stopped being a thread about injectables and started being a diet thread so I won't keep on at you (and I need to get back to work)

I do recommend trying mounjaro and seeing how he gets on. He might find it quite revealing and he sounds motivated.

@cheezncrackers thanks, this is very helpful.
Yes, I understand that he has to want that, and that the problem is probably rooted deeper emotionally, and of course I can't force him to do anything, nor I'm trying to force anything at all. But support is definitely needed.

Can I ask what was the turning point for your husband?

I've had similar concerns for my son OP. He's 26 lives at home and I make his breakfasts and lunches so know what meals he should be having through the day. Problem is he's been an absolute sugar fiend, not quite a secret eater but I've often found his uneaten lunch I've made and multiple empty multi packs of chocolate bars and jellies in carrier bags every other day. He works a manual job and can clock around 18000 - 25000 steps a day yet he has ballooned up to almost 19st. He opened up and told me he's been having fry ups most mornings in works canteen and chippy/pizza shop at lunch so probably racking up around 5000 or more calories a day without counting.
We both started MJ last week and he has already lost 7.7lb and you can see straight away has come straight off his stomach. He was quite emotional last night, he said he couldn't believe that after just 7 days his brain has switched off. I know he's bound to fall off the wagon at some point but the change in him already is astounding. He did have a headache for the first 3/4 days but is to be expected going more or less cold turkey especially from the sugar.

@Oneeata thank you for this, extremely helpful.
May I ask how did you start conversation about injections or was this his idea, what was the turning point for both of you?
Like I explained to other people, I may have come across as someone who I trying to force injection into my husband and that he doesn't want to lose any weight, which is not the case... I'm very curious about people's journey and what was the turning point.

I've lost weight using Slimpod which I think is very good for emotional eaters. I think a combination of weight loss injections and Slimpod for the longer term mental health side of it would work really well.

Best advice. If you mean well you'll follow this, it's about him not you.

You got good responses here, but just a thought - if he is craving sugar, the supplement chromium polynicotinate can help with that (or just normal chromium is ok too) And a good multivitamin with adequate B vitamins. One can crave sugar if deficient in these. Perhaps get him to read books like Potatoes not Prozac (an oldie but still good info) or Sugar Blues. It will help him understand why sugar is so addictive. You can find YT videos if that's easier.

It might be an idea to focus not so much on his weight loss (the stress of having to lose weight and someone monitoring your food intake can drive someone to eat more) but on his mood - the ups and downs during the day based on what sugary foods he eats. If he can see the connection between instant gratification of some sugary 'treat' and later a blood sugar crash and feeling exhausted/irritable, it might help him recognise that his mood/general health is better without sugar.

He doesn't need to give it up completely but there are ways to manage blood sugar (he may be pre diabetic) . The Glucose Goddess on YT or Instagram is brilliant. Having a glucose monitor around and doing his fasting morning readings (which will come down in about a week of low sugar) might motivate him too. It seems the sugar cravings are the main stumbling block.

If all the fat is going on his belly that does suggest some degree of insulin resistance which is a precursor to diabetes. I would suggest to him to get his hba1c tested which will give a measure of his 3 month blood glucose levels. A lower carb diet would also help and the glucose goddess hacks/cgm suggested above.

Also get the snoring checked out. Get a recording of your DH snoring and take it to the GP. As well as affecting cravings sleep apnoa also increases the risk of insulin resistance.

Get him to contact Overeaters Anonymous www.oagb.org.uk/ - it's the only thing that worked for me long term

Injections are an very good option for HIM to look into, research thoroughly and make an independent decision if he wants to try them (obviously he needs to discuss with you if there is a financial implication for your family).

Otherwise it just becomes something YOU suggested that didn't work, therefore your failure not his. If he doesn't do the leg work himself it is not something he is invested in and wants for himself, he is just making a half-arsed attempt to appease you because you want him too and that is not going to be effective or lasting.

This is one you need to leave him to work out for himself and support whatever HE comes up with, if he even wants to.

He hasn't asked us for help.

I'm not sure he's asked you for help.

So, leave him alone - he's a grown up with capacity and is allowed to make decisions that are not great, or that you don't like.

If you can't live with that, that's up to you.

Can I ask what was the turning point for your husband?

I think it's a combination of things. He's not as stressed at work at the moment, so he has the head space to focus on his weight. He's in his mid-50s now and I think he realises that if he doesn't get a grip soon it could be too late. He knows very well that overweight middle-aged men can just die suddenly (Alex Salmond this weekend, being one example). I also think there is a vanity aspect to it - being overweight makes you look older than you are. Finally, I think the availability of these weight loss drugs has finally given him a tool to help him manage his hunger and his lack of self control! He's lost weight before, through dieting, but it's been really hard work. I think he feels if he has some help this time in curbing his hunger/food cravings maybe it will be easier to get the weight off and then once it's off and he's figured out how much he needs to be eating each day to maintain that loss, it will finally all come together? That's my best guess anyway!

If my husband had tried to control my dietary choices, even from a place of love, I would have deeply resented him. I have lost over five stone from my heaviest and it was a path I absolutely had to choose and travel alone. I knew on an intellectual level the risks that my weight brought but it was (and remains) a very complex emotional issue. If you have never struggled with your weight it is simply impossible for you to understand, just as I can't understand the mindset of an alcoholic, for example.

I know that you love him and that you mean well but you have to back off. You sound like you are talking about your son, not your husband.