Family stressing me out

[TheAquaPoster]

Me and my partner have recently got engaged. We’ve been together a long time- childhood sweethearts and have 3 children together. We are super excited and have really loved looking at different ideas already.

however my family are doing my head in already. We’ll be paying for the whole thing and never expected any help towards it.

my mum wanted us to get married abroad saying it’s cheaper, it’s a package and it’ll be lovely and hot- basically she loves her holidays and saw this as an opportunity for one. we’ve decided against this as some of the people who we’d want to be there won’t be able to come for various reasons health, money etc. her face was one of disappointment when we said we wouldn’t be. Making comments to our friend how we should.

we’ve found a couple of venues we like, and want to view but my sister (I’m close to her) starts giving opinions on everyone. And has been looking herself for venues- ones which the bridal party (where she’s included) can stay over the night before. The one we picked out to view is a lovely woodland venue- which is right up our street. Has amazing reviews. Within our budget.
showed her photos all I got was laughing emoji’s and what if it’s raining? What if it’s cold? I explained that we like it ans want to view… and she went “well it’s completely different to what I thought you’d both pick. Not a barn in sight?” Give up! I’m meant to be excited but I feel overwhelmed and it’s only early days.
I’m also stressing as my dad’s an arse, a bully and narcissist and he’s making it about him already “how he’s the father of the bride…. He wants a blue suit…. How he’s just like the father of the bride film! FML.
if he comes and gives me away, that’s at least 10 family members of his side and mums side that won’t attend probably that I am close to love and adore because my dads fallen out with and verbally abused them all
and then to top off. FIL is excited chatting away about the wedding as is my SIL. Whilst my MIL (who hates me always has and has been vile to me for years I have no idea why or what I’ve done) gave us complete silence not even a congratulations just sat with a face like a slapped arse the whole evening. Didn’t mutter a single word.

and then today my sister FaceTimed me she was with my mum and our friend (bridesmaid) and my mum was also slating the venue we like…. You can’t expect people to sit on benches… it’s not disabled friendly… being really snappy at me but trying to do it in a jokey way but was deadly serious.
and then the most hypocritical moment was if we liked somewhere further afield … how will people get there? You’ll have to chip in on a coach for everyone won’t you? Same person who wanted us to get married abroad because it suited her.

please tell me I’m not the only one who had family like this

Stop telling them about options… only tell them decisions. This is YOUR wedding day… have whatever you want. Unfortunately weddings can bring unwanted comments and you need to put strong boundaries in right now.

I’d tell them them that a wedding is a time for them to support your dream, not theirs.

If it rains, then umbrella exist… I take it there is an indoor venue part ? If not, then cold/rain options need to be considered especially if you have older people there… you don’t want everyone leaving early (maybe you do 😉). The venue will have suggestions on dealing with inclement weather!

your dad is a different story tbh… you need to decide if you’re inviting him, the role you are giving him and then deal with the fallout, because from what you say whatever you decide there will be fallout.

let Dp deal with his mum !

good luck op… when it goes well your family will all try to say it was their idea in the first place and you will still want to throttle them!

Stop discussing it with them.
Book what you want.
They'll be fine with whatever you do but are likely to throw out a million opinions whilst it's ideas and thoughts.

I think you should do it abroad.....just without your family

I feel for you, this sounds horrendous!

I agree with the pp who said stop telling the them anything - it's not their wedding so their opinions are not welcome.

Between DH and I we have a massive extended and complex family structure that would have made planning a wedding truly awful...we eloped. Genuinely the best thing we could ever have done, and I highly recommend it

Plan your wedding according to what you (and your partner of course) want.

Stop telling them stuff about what you are doing/considering.

Send the invites once everything is finalised.

Only invite the people that you actually want to be there.

If you are doing all yourselves don't discuss any of the details it's got nothing to do with any of them at all.

Thanks everyone luckily our friend (who was on the call) fully has my back and said it’s our day and it’s what we love that matters nothing else and no body else.
to which I agreed and I said yes exactly that, it’s our special day.

my mum then responded sounded really annoyed “well (my name) I’m not getting involved with anything at all only with your dress which I would like to get”

kind of hurt me a bit that instead of just hearing what was being said she took it as an insult and is now not wanting to join in the excitement it feels like

I slightly side with your mum marrying abroad as it's cheaper. You can always have a blessing and a party afterwards in the UK. I'm only saying this as this was our original idea and the UK wedding is taking us way over budge because there are many extras required which were not mentioned, we have to suck that up and if it rains it rains, I'm marrying the true love of my life, however the venue is an hour's drive away and we have people complaining at that and the possibility of rain!!.YOU CAN NEVER WIN!

Please may I ask, are you the first outdoor of yourself to get married out of you and your sister? Only asking as there seems to be a theme of DM's wanting things their way, I'm sure they plan our weddings all our lives in their heads and when it doesn't pan out what they want all hell breaks loose!

Do it your way OP, it's about you, DP and DC. Xx

DO NOT TEll ANYONE ANYTHING
we would have had similar with our wedding so instead we went and looked at venues etc just between us. we picked what we liked and paid the deposit. same with band photographer etc. Once all that was done we waited about a month or two and then we told people the date and that it was all booked. people could have given their opnions but by then it was booked with deposits etc. so nothing could be done. bridesmaid dress was ordered on line went wedding dress shopping on my own. my mother and sister only saw my wedding dress on my wedding day. sis in law wanted to do flowers- she trained years ago in it - we siad no part of wedding venue package she wasn't impressed but bohoo. no one needs to know every detail of your wedding only you and your future husband. keep stump ignore everyone else and have a fabulous day

I’d probably go abroad, without any of your families! Seriously though, just pick your venue, invite everyone you’d like to be there, if they don’t come that’s on them.

Get married without them all.
It’s your day. About you two and your children.

If you don’t want to exclude them altogether, just stop telling them what you’re doing. Sit them all down and tell them straight what you expect. Again, if they don’t like it, they know what they can do and you’ll know where you stand.

We stopped all children attending our wedding. Oh the trouble it caused on my husbands side. We just found out the real family from the fakes. The ones who wanted to share our day were there. The ones who weren’t spelled everything out to us.

Its your day. Your decisions. All about you. Not them.

Personally I would sod the lot of them and just get married in a registry office with 2 witnesses!

it is your wedding so do what YOU want to do and don’t listen to anyone else’s thoughts-it’s not their day!

Stop including them and discussing it with them, they don’t like the same things as you. Book what you want and they can find out the venue when you send the invites

I leaned this when I got married a couple years ago.

Stop telling people anything, especially family members.

Tell them once you’ve booked what you want. If they try to insert themselves tell them they’re welcome to not attend if they don’t like it.

Several of my family members almost made me want to cancel the whole thing and elope. Tell them theyll
receive the information once you’ve booked it.

Yeah just don’t involve them in any decisions. No discussion. They find out the venue when they get the invite.

Sounds like your mum/family can't win really - if they offer opinions you don't like it and if they say ok, I'll stay out of it, you don't like it! Just plan your wedding with your fiancé and let people know when it's all booked. No need for drama. Although with your father and MIL being the way they are, I think I'd probably nip off and get married just the two of you, kids and a couple of witnesses!

Runaway, you, your partner and your kids.
Elope, don’t tell any one (esp your sister) and come back and have a big party - if people want to attend let them and if they cause an issue the bouncers can chuck them out.
Plus, you get to wear your dress twice x

Oh my word, what a selfish family you have, it’s all me me me by the sound of it.

if you have one person or two maybe who you can trust and rely on to support you and give you objective advice, then only discuss with them the options. You really need someone to bounce ideas off and to share your joy. Anyone else can find out when it’s decided and booked.

Or, you could elope and have a big party when you get back.

And this is why me and DH eloped to Gretna Green. People get over it. A couple of grumbles at the time, but they got over it. Your Dad sounds exactly like my Dad.

Just sort it and book it between the two of you as you want it. Send out save the date cards and then it's up to them
Do not encourage further involvement. Have a wonderful wedding.

Unpopular opinion but if you have a wedding, it’s not about your special day. It’s about your friends and family being there to celebrate with you. Not to the extent of bending over backwards to accommodate them over every little thing but making sure they are comfortable. Making sure there is a wet weather option, accessibility for less mobile guests (and just because everyone is mobile now, doesn’t mean they will be by the time you get married), food, toilets that aren’t portaloos, comfortable seating. If the venue is not where most people live you should put on a coach or be very close to an affordable hotel. You should also be prepared that people won’t attend. You have people you want at the wedding that can’t attend a wedding abroad due to health reasons, are these people going to be OK being rained on in the woods? So some of your family’s concerns are valid. If you want it to just be about you and your special day, elope.

If you don’t want their input, don’t tell them anything. They might be the type of family that will make their feelings known on the day, so that’s something to consider and how you manage that. Otherwise most people are too polite to bring up that it’s shit wedding for the guest.

After reading all that, I'd sack the lot off and go get wed by yourselves with 2 witnesses.

It’s like baby names innit - if you tell them what you’re thinking of, they’ll all give an opinion. If you tell them when it’s decided, they’ll just accept it without saying what they think.

Have you seen the episode of How I met your mother, when Lily and Marshall are discussing planning their wedding? It might cheer you up a bit.

It might be cheaper for the couple, but surely it is pushing those costs onto the guests instead? Personally I think a wedding abroad should be for people who only want a very small group of people there.