Invited to wedding of bf who went awol 4 years ago

[coopekid]

Interested to hear people’s thoughts on what they would do here.

I haven’t seen or heard from this friend in over 4 years, not for lack of trying to reach out to her on my part. Last time I saw her was actually when she was a bridesmaid at my wedding, I have had 2 DC since then and she hasn’t met either of them. I was quite upset at the time, particularly after my first DC was born when there was no contact from her. She has some history of this behaviour, I really don’t think there is anything conscious about it she just seems to have a habit of ‘opting out’. I however find it all rather emotionally exhausting. Then out of the blue a wedding invitation turns up, I have never met her fiancé (I didn’t know she was seeing anyone). This was followed by a WhatsApp message to apologise for her ‘absence’ and that she’d like to get back in touch. The wedding itself isn’t close to where I live and is adults-only so logistically the arrangements for me won’t be that easy.

We have (on and off!) been very close friends since secondary school and I would like to see her get married. On the other hand I think I had emotionally and mentally said goodbye to the friendship, accepting that we had both moved on with our lives and I’m really not sure I can get involved again. However maybe I’m over-thinking this and should just treat it like a wedding invite, with no expectations of anything else.

Hmm, I’d be inclined to decline. You’re not likely to see much of her on her wedding day. Do you know any of the other guests or would you be mostly sat alone?

This is how I see it too. I can’t imagine people inviting guests to a wedding for the sake of it. If she wanted she could have invited work colleagues etc but clearly holds some value to your friendship.

I couldn't bother my arse to go.

She can't be bothered to talk to you, hasn't met your kids, you didn't even know she was in a relationship let alone on the cusp of marriage... This have a friendship. She just needs something from you again.

I think if she’d got in touch, apologised for ghosting you and at least gave some kind of reasonable explanation then I might go. But the cynical part of me thinks she might just be rallying a crowd to help her wedding photos look better!

When is the wedding?
If soon then you are making up numbers.
If further away (in time, not distance) then you have time to try to re-kindle the friendship and meet fiancé before the event. But she has to make the effort, not you.

Just decline. Don't make it bigger than it is.

Personally when invitations like this happen I think it's just to make numbers up.

I’d decline too. Say that you can’t make it but would love to meet up for coffee and for her to meet your DC. My guess is that she will quickly “opt out” again because she isn’t really that interested in you or your life as it is now.

I wouldn’t go. Weddings are not the place for a reunion unless you know lots of other friends are going you can sit with and catch up with. But if not and you have no idea who is at wedding this could be not only expensive but awkward for you and DH. You could be on some random table with people you don’t know watching a wedding like an outsider. If it was me I’d message back and say sorry your DH already has plans that weekend and it’ll be logistical nightmare with kids but you wish her all the best and would she fancy a catch up in the weeks before or after it

Is go if it was convenient and I already had something to wear. I wouldn’t go over the top with an expensive gift though. And I’d leave the ball in her court about meeting up again.

I'd decline. I don't want to be an extra at somebody's wedding to fill the seats on their side.

This. I would be suspicious that she need guests for the photos ( and the presents) and she'll disappear again straight after. I had a 'friend' like this. When she needed me for something she was all over me. Then she'd cut me dead

My 'best friend' is like this. Periods of completely ghosting me to then appear again randomly. We'd have a phase of being close before she distanced herself again.

Her reasoning is always her mental health. Took the decision to distance aswell and have barely spoke in 4 years. It was taking a real toll on my mental health, constantly if I'd done anything wrong etc.

Personally in your situation, I'd decline. You'll only be waiting for her to disappear again.

Does she have many friends?

This sounds like someone who doesn’t have many friends and suddenly needs them to make her look less of a loser at her wedding!

You're going to end up doing the flowers or paying for something - it's a 'NO' from the Luxembourg jury.

Me too, call us cynical.

I wouldn’t bother to go.

Cynical old me wonders if you were always a generous friend and an acceptance of the wedding invite will swiftly be followed by a wedding gift registry list...

Trying-to-be-nice me says maybe such a big event in her life has made her realise that she misses you and wants you to be part of her special day.

If you want to see her get married and it is feasible to get there then do it. Don't let some idea of pride get in the way of what could be a lovely day and a chance to reconnect.

I bet she is like this with a lot of friendships and now needs some numbers on her side and having to build bridges

You tried to reconnect after your wedding and she blanked you. Why would you want to go to her wedding after she has treated you like that.

I’d say I had a commitment arranged for that day and save myself the inconvenience and cost. If she is genuinely trying to mend bridges and wants to see more of you attending her wedding shouldn’t make a difference to that. You could meet up next week, next month. But I suspect OPs are right and she’s making up numbers for her guest list (and the obligatory gift)

I would decline the invitation and say you can’t wait to hear all about it. If she is genuine about the friendship you will hear from her.
Innthis case I don’t think you will.

I wouldn’t go. It feels like she’s using you.

I bet she's run out of friends because she treats them all like she treated you and now she's desperately searching for bums on seats and wedding gifts.

I'd decline.

I would decline the wedding invite due to childcare but suggest that you meet for a coffee if she is in the local area. It would be interesting to see how she reacts and whether the invite was to make up numbers or genuine.

I wouldnt waste my money