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Original poster

Invited to wedding of bf who went awol 4 years ago

75 replies

coopekid · 21/08/2025 08:03

Interested to hear people’s thoughts on what they would do here.

I haven’t seen or heard from this friend in over 4 years, not for lack of trying to reach out to her on my part. Last time I saw her was actually when she was a bridesmaid at my wedding, I have had 2 DC since then and she hasn’t met either of them. I was quite upset at the time, particularly after my first DC was born when there was no contact from her. She has some history of this behaviour, I really don’t think there is anything conscious about it she just seems to have a habit of ‘opting out’. I however find it all rather emotionally exhausting. Then out of the blue a wedding invitation turns up, I have never met her fiancé (I didn’t know she was seeing anyone). This was followed by a WhatsApp message to apologise for her ‘absence’ and that she’d like to get back in touch. The wedding itself isn’t close to where I live and is adults-only so logistically the arrangements for me won’t be that easy.

We have (on and off!) been very close friends since secondary school and I would like to see her get married. On the other hand I think I had emotionally and mentally said goodbye to the friendship, accepting that we had both moved on with our lives and I’m really not sure I can get involved again. However maybe I’m over-thinking this and should just treat it like a wedding invite, with no expectations of anything else.

OP posts:
JohnLapsleyParlabane · 21/08/2025 08:08

I'd decline.

KnittingOnEmpty · 21/08/2025 08:09

My first (uncharitable) thought was that she'd done the same with all her friends and now finds herself with noone to invite and doesn't now want to look like Billy no mates. I would feel the same as you and it would all feel a bit false and forced. She obviously had no issues contacting you so it was all her choice. Has she always been self centred?

Dogsrbrill · 21/08/2025 08:10

I'd go , all friendships are different .

Silverbirchleaf · 21/08/2025 08:11

She obviously values your history and wants to make amends, but does seem strange. Can you arrange meeting up for fir coffee to clear the air beforehand and to find out what went on, and the reason for the absence (abusive relationship?).

Silverbirchleaf · 21/08/2025 08:12

Just another thought, was she a needy friend before, and now ‘needs’ you again?

Pancakeflipper · 21/08/2025 08:12

I'd decline. I don't think I'd want the potential of waiting to be ignored again, the wondering what I'd done. If she'd given an explanation,apology - I'd be more willing to be at the wedding and redevelop the friendship.

You've gone through the tough part of getting over the friendship, can you be arsed to reopen it all up again ?

Mammut · 21/08/2025 08:14

She might have thought that the wedding was a good opportunity to reconnect.

6thbirthday · 21/08/2025 08:16

I’d decline. You put time and effort in trying to maintain a friendship. It wasn’t reciprocated. Life is too short to be around people who don’t really care.m about you as much as you care about them. Surround yourself with people that do.

TY78910 · 21/08/2025 08:16

Sounds like an olive branch. But you know her best so if she has history of doing that then you may find it easier to say you’re busy that day. If it’s in a convenient location then go to meet your other friends and the free food 😅

Firefly100 · 21/08/2025 08:17

I’d decline the wedding citing logistics with the children as too difficult. I would not put myself out for someone who gives me no consideration. However I’d take up the offer to renew the friendship and try to arrange a (convenient for me) meet up after the wedding and honeymoon. If she is serious after such a long shared history I’d give it a last try, but not be disappointed if she hasn’t changed. I would not put myself out for her in any way until she has proved herself.

senua · 21/08/2025 08:19

My first (uncharitable) thought was that she'd done the same with all her friends and now finds herself with noone to invite and doesn't now want to look like Billy no mates.
That was my immediate first thought, too.

The wedding itself isn’t close to where I live and is adults-only so logistically the arrangements for me won’t be that easy.
Don't put yourself out - financially or otherwise - for her. Find a reason why "you'd love to go the wedding but, ahem, circumstances beyond your control make it impossible". Ask to meet up after and see if she really wants to rekindle the relationship or you are just Z-List, making up the numbers.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/08/2025 08:19

I'm not good with people that drop off the face of the earth and then bob up like nothings happened. I think it's fine to decline if you don't see any point in rekindling or if you think she'll just disappear again after the wedding.

Besttobe8001 · 21/08/2025 08:20

Unfortunately you're busy that day but if she's ever in your area you'd love to see her. I'd bet good money you'll never see her again.

LadyQuackBeth · 21/08/2025 08:21

I would go, if it isn't logistically difficult, you don't need to go all in as best friends again but it could be a fun night and you might know other people there.

She went quiet in lockdown, when a lot of people didn't adapt particularly well to new dynamics and having nothing to talk about. You can't rely on her but not all friends have to fit the same mold - an occasional fun night out is fine.

MakeItToTheMoon · 21/08/2025 08:21

It would be weird attending her wedding after years of no contact. She is essentially a stranger now.

She should have attempted to rebuild the friendship before sending the invite. I would decline as she didn’t care about you when you had children and probably won’t be interested after the wedding.

Keep it casual and see if the friendship can develop, but don’t waste your time attending. Four years is a long time and you probably are not the same person you used to be.

Ladedahlia · 21/08/2025 08:22

I wouldn’t even respond.

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/08/2025 08:23

There’s no right or wrong answer - if her flakiness has upset you then I wouldn’t go. If you can enjoy the friendship with low expectations of her future behaviour then go.

Hollieandtheivie · 21/08/2025 08:24

I'd do whatever suits you. There's no obligation here. What do you want to do? I'd make the decision on the basis that you might not hear from her again.

JacknDiane · 21/08/2025 08:24

I think she just wants you now, to bump numbers up.

I wouldn't go.

londongirl12 · 21/08/2025 08:26

I would offer to meet up with her and have a chat before deciding to go or not. I think you’ll get a good understanding of any motives and then you can decide from there.

SunshineAndFizz · 21/08/2025 08:27

I’d decline. I couldn’t forgive a friend that didn’t even text when I had a child.

My cousin was like this - not a good friend to others, and when the time came to get married she didn’t have many close friends, and invited random people she’d known in the past. Some came, some didn’t.

chatgptsbestmate · 21/08/2025 08:28

Yup. PP have summed it up. She's not got many people to invite as she's a crap friend to everyone

So she's digging deeply into the past for guests

I definitely wouldn't attend unless the wedding was down the road, cost nothing and caused zero logistical family issues

SunshineAndFizz · 21/08/2025 08:29

senua · 21/08/2025 08:19

My first (uncharitable) thought was that she'd done the same with all her friends and now finds herself with noone to invite and doesn't now want to look like Billy no mates.
That was my immediate first thought, too.

The wedding itself isn’t close to where I live and is adults-only so logistically the arrangements for me won’t be that easy.
Don't put yourself out - financially or otherwise - for her. Find a reason why "you'd love to go the wedding but, ahem, circumstances beyond your control make it impossible". Ask to meet up after and see if she really wants to rekindle the relationship or you are just Z-List, making up the numbers.

This.

Berlinlover · 21/08/2025 08:29

Like PP my immediate thought was that you were invited to this wedding to make up the numbers. I would decline the invite. I don’t believe you’ll hear from her again.

Okinwahoo · 21/08/2025 08:30

Accept the olive branch but not the wedding invitation due to logistics. So arrange a meet up at another time. It's is the nice thing to do.