Invited to wedding of bf who went awol 4 years ago

[coopekid]

Interested to hear people’s thoughts on what they would do here.

I haven’t seen or heard from this friend in over 4 years, not for lack of trying to reach out to her on my part. Last time I saw her was actually when she was a bridesmaid at my wedding, I have had 2 DC since then and she hasn’t met either of them. I was quite upset at the time, particularly after my first DC was born when there was no contact from her. She has some history of this behaviour, I really don’t think there is anything conscious about it she just seems to have a habit of ‘opting out’. I however find it all rather emotionally exhausting. Then out of the blue a wedding invitation turns up, I have never met her fiancé (I didn’t know she was seeing anyone). This was followed by a WhatsApp message to apologise for her ‘absence’ and that she’d like to get back in touch. The wedding itself isn’t close to where I live and is adults-only so logistically the arrangements for me won’t be that easy.

We have (on and off!) been very close friends since secondary school and I would like to see her get married. On the other hand I think I had emotionally and mentally said goodbye to the friendship, accepting that we had both moved on with our lives and I’m really not sure I can get involved again. However maybe I’m over-thinking this and should just treat it like a wedding invite, with no expectations of anything else.

Weird. I can’t think of any wedding I’ve been to, certainly not my own, where there were people that the married couple hadn’t seen for over 4 years. Indeed we had an 18 month rule at mine to cut down numbers to size. Sounds like she’s trying to drum up interest.

I’d decline and offer meeting up for drinks instead. I mean she could have changed significantly in 4 years.

Leave it there's no point she will drop you again and again given here previous history.

I’d have no problem meeting for a coffee if you wanted to reconnect but I would certainly not put any effort into going to a wedding which would involve leaving my kids and having to travel.

I wouldn't even bother replying to either the Whatsapp or the wedding invitation she'd been gone for four years she can stay gone.

I'd decline too. She hasn't been arsed about you as a friend for the last 4 years, by "opting out" on you. So why is she getting in touch now? Has she given you a solid reason for the lack of contact?

I suspect she's got in touch because she's getting married and wants to make the numbers up on her guest list. And after selfishly leaving you hanging, she's now selfishly hauling you back in to contribute in some way to her big event! Funny how in 4 years, she's suddenly remembered you now!

Like you say, you've already said goodbye to the friendship, what she did hurt you emotionally. I really wouldn't go back there for your own sake. Because I think she will do this to you again. And that's another 4 years of trying to get your head round it and feeling dumped again.

Don't put yourself through it all over again. If you meant that much to her, she'd have been in your life and at your side for your milestones. Some things are just best left.

I had this with a Uni friend. She'd ditched a big gang of us in favour of a posher lot who were for reasons unknown unable to come to her wedding, so we were the 'Rent-a-Friend' posse. I mean, we had a great time, it was fab to see some of my uni mates again, but we were totally the hired friends to stop her looking like a Billy-no-mates. It's been 15 years and i've never heard from her since.

and its a NO from me! she isn't actually a friend now after so long i think she is looking to fill the room! She's also looking to fill the gift table! say thanks but i've other commitments.

Is it somewhere nice where you can have a fab weekend? Logistically, can you make it work with the help of a parent? Financially, can you afford a weekend away without it causing stress?

If it’s positive to all of the above, I might be tempted to go out of sheer curiosity. But if it was remotely inconvenient, I definitely wouldn’t go.

A similar thing happened to me. My best friend, godmother to my child, ghosted me after 16 years. The same year my daughter was diagnosed with a life threatening illness. After 9 months she sent me flowers, no explanations and it incensed me. I wrote her a note explaining the deep distress that we were experiencing in our lives and that her ghosting me had been deeply painful. Madly I had continued to send birthday presents to her and her family. She got in touch 3 years later and invited me to meet up. I did it but it was very hard. She obviously been through a difficult time and had a breakdown. She behaved as if I shouldn't have a problem with the ghosting because it wasn't my fault! I met her again and it was less difficult. Then she ghosted me again and that was 13 years ago. I got a invitation to a big anniversary event she has having a year or so after our last meeting. I didn't go. I couldn't face it. A big party and no explanation? No thanks. I continued to reach out for a few years but never heard anything back. It's been hugely painful in my life

nah. Weddings are a hastle: childcare, hotel, travel

send a polite no. Never contact her again

sbe has problems

Agree weddings are a hassle. I'm at the point where I'll only make so much effort and there has to be something in it for me to go. For example if I only know the bride or groom and no one else then I'll make an excuse, if it's a chance to spend time with good friends at the reception I'm more likely to say yes.

Reply with thanks but busy that day/week/monthl/year

Sounds like she just needs room meat to fill her wedding venue. She could have contacted you when she got engaged or at any time to suggest a catch up.

That plus your childcare issues, I'd DECLINE!

Friendships all run different courses. Covid shut downs, new boyfriends, new babies etc.
Take the invitation at face value - no need to be cynical.
Attend if you'd like to go.

I would decline due to logistics but (if you want to see her again) say it would be nice to meet up at another time.
Personally I’d not bother.

A wedding, where one of you is the bride, is not a place to ‘reconnect’ she can hardly speak to you.

I imagine she is one of those people who dumps friends along the way, is getting married and is embarrassed by lack of old friends.

she’s not offered to meet up before, what about a hen do? There’s months/years between engagement/wedding and she can’t meet you in a coffee shop.

Nah, you are there for numbers and appearances. Guaranteed afterwards you won’t see her again. I was once invited to the hen do of a girl who was horrible to me at uni, never spoke to her after first year. I assume she needed numbers.

I had a ' friend' like this some years ago - the wife of my ex husband's teenage best friend. When we were in vogue it was great but then we'd not hear for sometimes years on end. Then out of the blue she'd make contact, usually if I could do something for her. I was dropped once and for all when I divorced, as he got the lions share of our assets and was more useful to her. Good riddance!

She just wants a present and to have power over you and show the man she is marrying that she has friends as he is probably suspicious as to why she can’t hold down friendships.

Do not go and do not even acknowledge the invite and don’t block her, let stew wondering if you are coming or not and laugh at how frantic her messages become when you never ever reply.

Yes this ^

My best friend from school met a farmer about five years ago and completely drifted away. She suddenly had a whole new friendship group of “young farmer” types, and it became her entire identity. She dropped me and our other school friend, I assume because we didn’t fit into that lifestyle.

Trying to arrange to meet became impossible. She was always busy, always making excuses, always wrapped up in her new social circle. Months, sometimes years, would pass without us speaking. Then, out of the blue, she invited me to her hen do after a year of no contact. By that point, she knew nothing about what was happening in my life my mum’s cancer diagnosis, or the fact that I’d bought a house with my partner.

Honestly, I couldn’t help wondering if I’d only been invited to bring the cost down for everyone else, or to prove to her new friends that she still had “old” ones. I declined but sent a card and a gift to congratulate her. I never got a thank you. A year later, the wedding invite came, but I didn’t hesitate to decline. My partner and I wouldn’t have known anyone there, and I’d heard nothing from her in the meantime.

It does cross my mind sometimes, because that felt like the definitive end of our friendship. But ultimately, people make time for those they want in their lives. If she really wanted a friendship with me, we’d still have one.

I would decline if I was you!

I’d probably ignore it.

I suspect jealousy is behind the behaviour. She was jealous of you getting married, having kids etc... but now she is getting married so she feels she is back in the game.

I would be tempted to phone her up or grab a coffee and then decide if you want to go to wedding. I would tell her exactly how I felt.

That's what I would do too

Ask her to meet for lunch or a coffee and see how bothered she is. I wouldn’t want to be a bum on seat

Send a WARM effusive message saying get how lovely it is to hear from her, congrats on the upcoming wedding and you'd love to catch up - you are free x and y dates in September.

I wouldn't reply immediately about the wedding but ultimately would decline citing my parents golden wedding anniversary/ my father's 70th birthday/ whatever and you'll all be in Tuscany / Mexico/ Cornwall for the week.