Mother in law had no reaction when we told her we are getting married, and looked at the floor?

Floppyelf · 31/03/2025 18:10

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 18:09

Apparently it’s because she “already knew” and was annoyed she wasn’t the very first above everybody to find out.

is this justified? I have a bad relationship with her from how she’s treated me in the past (she’s mean to me) so we didn’t feel comfortable telling her first. She made it about her and bit her nails and looked at the floor and just said ok?

recently she has said it’s because she wasn’t the first to know. How can someone make that about themselves!

Grey rock and distance. Don’t go out of your way to facilitate a relationship between your dh and her.

Lovegame · 31/03/2025 18:11

How did she already know? Did you put it on social media first or tell everyone but her.

Theunamedcat · 31/03/2025 18:12

Think twice before marriage into a family with issues like a toxic mil

S0CKPUPPET · 31/03/2025 18:13

Theunamedcat · 31/03/2025 18:12

Think twice before marriage into a family with issues like a toxic mil

This. Stay out of things with her, let your finance deal with it. That solves 90% of MIL issues.

SquashedMallow · 31/03/2025 18:21

Eurgh! This type really grinds my gears. My MIL (who had form for insane levels of jealousy ) did this when we announced to her the pregnancy of our second DC. (And stupid me actually put her feelings first and told her before anyone else) She looked like someone had punched her in the stomach and looked pissed off (no she does fuck all childcare) she came out with all this clap trap like we were basically sending our first born for adoption and replacing him !! Like by proxy jealousy. It was insane.

Anyway, she's mellowed over the years. I killed her with kindness and it worked. I ignored any 'bad behaviour ' and rewarded 'good behaviour '. I'm just lucky it did work. I actually rather like her now to be honest.

But if I had to go through the early years again where she was an absolute jealous monster (and all the games that goes with it ) I think I may have walked away 🥹

Original poster

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 18:22

Lovegame · 31/03/2025 18:11

How did she already know? Did you put it on social media first or tell everyone but her.

Other family members must have told her. I know he told his grandma first.

OP posts:

Blackcountrychik83 · 31/03/2025 18:25

Wait til you go wedding dress shopping ! That will be fun … not !
I can’t see the wedding planning being easy either coz she will be trying to railroad you into what she wants . Your partner needs to tell her from the off it’s yours and his wedding not hers and she isn’t making any decisions .

Then ignore the crazy behaviour …

ThriveIn2025 · 31/03/2025 18:26

Theunamedcat · 31/03/2025 18:12

Think twice before marriage into a family with issues like a toxic mil

100% this

bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 18:29

Out of interest did you post it on social media before telling her?

DenholmElliot11 · 31/03/2025 18:31

How come you didn't tell the parents first?

Original poster

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 20:58

bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 18:29

Out of interest did you post it on social media before telling her?

No. Wouldn’t have done that.

OP posts:

luckylavender · 07/04/2025 14:59

Blackcountrychik83 · 31/03/2025 18:25

Wait til you go wedding dress shopping ! That will be fun … not !
I can’t see the wedding planning being easy either coz she will be trying to railroad you into what she wants . Your partner needs to tell her from the off it’s yours and his wedding not hers and she isn’t making any decisions .

Then ignore the crazy behaviour …

Why? Not everyone takes their MIL wedding shopping. I went on my own.

user1492757084 · 09/04/2025 08:48

It was rude of your fiance to not tell his parents first.
Just a phone call to his mother and father would have been better than them finding out via other family members (who would have assumed that they would have known before them.)
Keep your distance re social activities together etc but there is no need to be rude and create drama.
Your boyfriend's oversight invited your MIL's reaction, sorry.
Follow protcols, be polite and the relationship will fare better.

saraclara · 09/04/2025 09:07

Other family members must have told her.

Family members? Plural?

I can't tell you how hurt I'd be to find out that my child was getting married, from other family members. Good grief, she must have been SO embarrassed when it was clear to those who told her, that she didn't know.

Seriously, can you not see that?

CatsChin · 09/04/2025 09:09

saraclara · 09/04/2025 09:07

Other family members must have told her.

Family members? Plural?

I can't tell you how hurt I'd be to find out that my child was getting married, from other family members. Good grief, she must have been SO embarrassed when it was clear to those who told her, that she didn't know.

Seriously, can you not see that?

Yes this. You clearly did this on purpose because you don't think she likes you, so wanted to get back at her. So you've kicked off your marriage by intentionally using it to hurt your fiancé's mother.

You all sound pretty awful.

Scrubbingblinds · 09/04/2025 09:09

I can see both sides. To an outsider, her reaction wasn't ideal. But with the backstory, it would hurt if my Mum told me my DC was engaged.

Mulledjuice · 09/04/2025 09:10

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 18:22

Other family members must have told her. I know he told his grandma first.

Show quote history

I'm not surprised she was upset. How shit of the other relatives to have told her. Why did they do that?

saraclara · 09/04/2025 09:15

Mulledjuice · 09/04/2025 09:10

I'm not surprised she was upset. How shit of the other relatives to have told her. Why did they do that?

Show quote history

Presumably because they assumed she knew. Because you would, wouldn't you? I mean, who doesn't tell their parent/s that kind of news first?

They probably just said 'what lovely news that John and Jane are getting married!'

Chocchips123 · 09/04/2025 09:16

SquashedMallow · 31/03/2025 18:21

Eurgh! This type really grinds my gears. My MIL (who had form for insane levels of jealousy ) did this when we announced to her the pregnancy of our second DC. (And stupid me actually put her feelings first and told her before anyone else) She looked like someone had punched her in the stomach and looked pissed off (no she does fuck all childcare) she came out with all this clap trap like we were basically sending our first born for adoption and replacing him !! Like by proxy jealousy. It was insane.

Anyway, she's mellowed over the years. I killed her with kindness and it worked. I ignored any 'bad behaviour ' and rewarded 'good behaviour '. I'm just lucky it did work. I actually rather like her now to be honest.

But if I had to go through the early years again where she was an absolute jealous monster (and all the games that goes with it ) I think I may have walked away 🥹

I don't have any relationship with my mil or in laws are they have never treated me right, she's said mean things to me that were out of order. So we stay away. I didn't marry into a family unfortunately. However when my husband phoned her to tell her I was pregnant something along the lines of " we have something to tell you " she said what ? Your pregnant. " just ruined the vibe straight away. It's always like that.

Mulledjuice · 09/04/2025 09:17

saraclara · 09/04/2025 09:15

Presumably because they assumed she knew. Because you would, wouldn't you? I mean, who doesn't tell their parent/s that kind of news first?

They probably just said 'what lovely news that John and Jane are getting married!'

Edited

Show quote history

Exactly - you would ask them not to say anything until you'd told all close family

Original poster

Oliveover28 · 09/04/2025 13:43

user1492757084 · 09/04/2025 08:48

It was rude of your fiance to not tell his parents first.
Just a phone call to his mother and father would have been better than them finding out via other family members (who would have assumed that they would have known before them.)
Keep your distance re social activities together etc but there is no need to be rude and create drama.
Your boyfriend's oversight invited your MIL's reaction, sorry.
Follow protcols, be polite and the relationship will fare better.

I would absolutely follow protocols if she did with me. After all that’s how I started off, treating them fairly with respect, but after the way she treats me (telling my husband not to come to the hospital with me when my dad is in hospital) I don’t play fair anymore. Why would you? It makes you look a fool when you continue to give someone the respect they do not give you.

OP posts:

SendTheNextOneIn · 09/04/2025 13:49

I think the important thing to think about here is what is your fiancé’s reaction to all this? Is he on your side thinking she’s being ridiculous, or is he trying to side with her and keep her happy? That will tell you all you need to know. Are you a team, or is he a mummy’s boy?

PhilippaGeorgiou · 09/04/2025 13:52

Oliveover28 · 09/04/2025 13:43

I would absolutely follow protocols if she did with me. After all that’s how I started off, treating them fairly with respect, but after the way she treats me (telling my husband not to come to the hospital with me when my dad is in hospital) I don’t play fair anymore. Why would you? It makes you look a fool when you continue to give someone the respect they do not give you.

Show quote history

Hospitals often limit the number of visitors. That could be sensible advice.

Sorry but you all sound like you are in a school playground. She's mean to me so I will be mean back. Her son should have told her before other relatives, regardless of your relationship with her.

Cabbagefamily · 09/04/2025 13:56

Why on earth would your DH not tell his mum first? No wonder she was upset

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 13:57

You said you have a bad relationship with her so she was unlikely to be really happy and excited that her son is going to marry you.