Mother in law had no reaction when we told her we are getting married, and looked at the floor?

[Oliveover28]

Apparently it’s because she “already knew” and was annoyed she wasn’t the very first above everybody to find out.

is this justified? I have a bad relationship with her from how she’s treated me in the past (she’s mean to me) so we didn’t feel comfortable telling her first. She made it about her and bit her nails and looked at the floor and just said ok?

recently she has said it’s because she wasn’t the first to know. How can someone make that about themselves!

I had a difficult relationship with MIL along these lines and swore I'd never be the same.

It's only since my DSs have become adults that I'm starting to understand how difficult this phase of parenting is. The hardest by far IMO. I hope I hide it, but those sorts of things cut deep.

I'd have been really hurt by that.

What does your partner think? Is he kicking himself for not telling his mum after his granny or telling her first ?

She doesn’t like you so you can’t win whatever you do, so it’s up to your partner to consider how he handles future announcements like this.

I understand why his mum wanted to know before other family members (he told multiple people before his mum?) if any guilt is to be felt, it’s on your partner.

Has partner explained to her why she had to find out from others and if this is how future announcements will proceed?

So, basically, you’ve acted in a way that you know is disrespectful and now you’re complaining that your behaviour has had the desired effect?

Yeah I mean you obviously don't like each other so I'm not sure what other reaction you would have expected....?

You say you “don’t play fair” with her and have a bad relationship. She found out about her son’s engagement through other family members. She’s not going to be happy about it is she? Isn’t this the reaction you expected from her?

MIL’s can be a pain in the arse. If she’s mean to you then you don’t have to like her and you don’t have to tell her your news first; but then don’t be surprised when she isn’t happy about it, and doesn’t like you either.

You know a wedding is more than a day but a life with these people as your in laws
Have you and your partner discussed this? Does he see it? Are you in agreement on how to handle it?

I wouldn't have handled this situation the way you chose to, but you need to know now if your partner agrees.

Out of interest @Saveafunwhat makes this stage of parenting so hard?

The letting go and yes, the jealousy. Suddenly your little boy has someone else. You known it's all part of the natural order and it does pass but it's hard initially, especially if you don't like the women involved and can see him making (in your view) a terrible mistake, with absolutely nothing you can do about it.

He's still your child and you still worry yourself sick about him.

Just keep your distance

There is a reason your DF didnt tell her first - if their relationship was peachy, he would have told her first, even if her and you dont get along

stuff this protocol thing, you tell who you closest too first, its that simple

@Saveafun so is it stemming from jealous, or actually thinking it’s a mistake. Because they are IMO two completely different things. Also, I haven’t got a child yet but I would like to think if he was happy then I would be happy. I’d like to ask you if you’d think it was a mistake if he met someone who you knew loved him and would do anything for him, but she also opened his eyes to already existing toxicity in the family, and stood up for herself and didn’t want her to bow down to every demand the family made. I suppose I’m asking, you mention mistake but is that because you feel she might be the one to call out the family for what it is?

I'm saying the whole thing is much harder to deal with than you think it will be at your stage in life.

It's all of the above, lots of conflicting emotions.

Thanks @Saveafun for giving your perspective. I have a toddler DD and am expecting a DS. I have a loving and close relationship with my MIL but she has displayed challenging behaviours especially in the run up to our wedding and BIL’s wedding.

My tactic has been to ignore it entirely and let DH address it where required, carrying on as normal as though I’m none the wiser. Pulling closer rather than pushing away seems to have worked for us but then my MIL is a genuinely lovely woman and not nasty, it’s frustrating at times though. She has been single for 20 years and I think she was using her sons to meet the emotional needs that a DH would usually meet. It’s been an adjustment for her. I hope your sons find partners that encourage your relationship rather than starve it!

why on earth do people take a totally unrelated (practically random) woman with them when they go wedding dress shopping?

OP - think about how you want your relationship with your MIL to be when you are ensconced in the family. Is your DH-to-be on board with you being LC (for eg) with his mum?

as for her being embarassed to hear it 2nd hand: well, its not ideal MIL but what with you having been a mean ol cowbag to me in the past, why did you think i'd have you down as a priority?

Ok regardless of what she’d done in the past, you and her son have sent her a clear message about how little she matters.

in context - fine, maybe she’s awful. The result is going to be that she sulks through everything from now on.

which YOU are going to need support with, in the coming years. She’ll always favour her son. She won’t easily forgive you.

my question is: does he have your back? 95% of MIL/DIL issues could be solved if the husband/son would just have a word. If you don’t have examples of his support, have a really solid and comprehensive conversation about it. Because neither of you - you and her - sounds like you want a quiet respectful relationship tbh.

@BrefugeeI took my MIL wedding dress shopping with my mum and I. She’s not a “practically random woman” she’s the mother of my DH, and Gran to my DD. She also only has sons so wouldn’t have another opportunity to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

So you’ve deliberately poked the bear, got the reaction you expected and now you’re moaning? You’re all as bad as each other… 🙄

I think I'd be hurt if I found out one of my own children was getting married via another family member before they'd told me.

and that is lovely, for you and anyone else who knows their MIL well, or doesn't have Hades' mother for an in law.

I would sooner have stuck burning bamboo sticks under my nails than have any more to do with my MIL than the absolute minimum of courtesy required (that was once i got to know her awful ways). Before then? I didn't know her at all

It doesn't make you look like a fool, it makes you look like your MIL.

Why didn't she think DH should go to the hospital? Why was she even consulted/aware?

Can I ask how you approach the situation with your husband? Does he acknowledge what she is like or pretends it’s your issue?

@Oliveover28I never have to raise it with him, he sees it before I do. Whilst he has a lot of respect for his mother he has little patience for her antics when they arise and will swiftly tell her to nip it in the bud. He’s had a lifetime of it!

She doesn't like you. You shouldn't be surprised at her reaction.

If you are determined to marry him, can you choose to live at least two hours away from her, to minimise her opportunities of spiteful interference.

At the very least, I'd keep in the background and let your dp do all of the interaction. Don't have children until you see how she behaves and whether your dp has your back.

You can hardly complain about the way she reacted when you told everyone before her and she had already heard the news from someone else, can you?

I mean, it was fine not to tell her first if that's what you wanted to do, I suppose, but you must have known that it would cause issues?