Mother in law had no reaction when we told her we are getting married, and looked at the floor?

[Oliveover28]

Apparently it’s because she “already knew” and was annoyed she wasn’t the very first above everybody to find out.

is this justified? I have a bad relationship with her from how she’s treated me in the past (she’s mean to me) so we didn’t feel comfortable telling her first. She made it about her and bit her nails and looked at the floor and just said ok?

recently she has said it’s because she wasn’t the first to know. How can someone make that about themselves!

Nah, your husband did nothing wrong by telling his grandma first. Even if you had told her first, she would just have found something else to have an issue with.

If she leans this much on her son, she has not fully matured somewhere and she is not going to. She is like a child who got old but didn’t grow up.

It’s sad, but don’t stay angry or frustrated about it, detach yourself from all the tricks and moves she is going to try. Look at it from above, don’t fall into the trap of being angry, look at her coldly for the sad, dysfunctional person she is. Pity kills anger.

That’s great ideas. Thank you. See her on our own terms and then she can’t play the victim either. The only thing is any information you give her she runs to the rest of the family to gossip, so the less she knows the better. More times I see more, more I’m feeding the gossip train.

You have a husband problem there.

But if you are happy with your chosen path and treating her that way, why are you posting here?

I recommend two books, both by the same author - Dr Susan Forward. Toxic Parents for your partner, Toxic In-laws for yourself. Hopefully it will help your partner get out of the fog (fear, obligation, guilt) and you can make a plan on how to move forward with boundaries.

Does she live near you?

I don’t address the behaviours. I bite my tongue and wait for it to pass (it seems to come in episodes). It helps that she isn’t outwardly rude or nasty to me when she’s spiralling (which thankfully is rare these days). I know that she thinks I’m good for DH, and that she thinks i’m a good mum. I know she’s happy for us. I think she just struggles in moments and her response is to try to push me out.

I realised that, to some extent, she will always see me as being in the way of her relationship with her son.

It actually got a lot better once we had a child, I think it improved because she had a “position” to uphold in being a Gran. She’s a fantastic Gran and dotes on DD. I think it made her feel more of a part of “our family”. She realised that I wasn’t taking DH away from her. She showed a lot of good will by asking me how I wanted to raise DD and supporting me in that. At the same time, I give her the freedom to spoil DD, see her whenever she wants and treat her to things that we as her parents wouldn’t. It’s a really positive relationship for our DD and they’ve formed a lovely bond!

DH sees the situation for what it is. He wants his mum to be happy and supported where possible but he won’t accept guilt trips or manipulation from her. I largely stay out of it other than to encourage him to be kind.

This.

Then don’t feed into it. Play a game, only give her the info you want to. It does get easier not answering questions…. Oh is that the washing machine beeping, I’ll be back in a minute….or… oh before I forget have you tried those latest tea bags/ special offer/ new shop etc…. Ask her advice about stuff that doesn’t matter, then she’ll feel important and wont have as much time/opportunity to have a go at you

Second this. I’ve put up with mine for 15 years and if I could go back and tell my younger self to run for the hills I would. Do you want children? Do you want your children to have a grandmother like her?

Keep your distance from her both literally and emotionally. Leave contact etc to your dh. If you have children leave it to him to include her in their lives. When dh and I got engaged after 6 years together his mother did not say Congratulations, her only comment was 'how long to you expect that to last?'. Well 18 years married and still absolutely mad about each other, we're happy and contented while she's alone and constantly whinging about no one caring. I spent years being a 'good' dil, taking her to appointments, peace maker etc until I discovered she'd been hiding the fact that I've a son from a previous relationship (he was 9 when I started dating dh), I haven't laid eyes on her since then and will never speak to her again. Thankfully dh is fully supportive of my decision. Don't let her too far in to your married life.

Depends how you announced the engagement really. If you blasted it across social media to friends and randoms alike and she's the last to know then she probably has a valid point despite how she's treated you before.

Its the easiest way
She sounds like a handful who's only identity is her DS - it will drive him away in time

FWIW, My MIL has never liked me, done the backhanded comments.
Me and DH been together nearing on 20 years now and we have just gone NC with MIL
It can work out