I don't know if I've lost a friend, or never had one, I'm confused.

[Twinkletoes127]

I have had a friend for 20 years, a long term relationship where they're are many many times where one or both of us are busy so we wouldn't talk/see each other for months on end and that is ok. It has always worked for us.
My friend split with her kids dad, and got with another guy soonish after, resulting in another child. This man was extremely abusive and relatively short lived,although he left a huge emotional mark.
So about, 7 years ago, her first husband, who had issues of his own, applied for full custody of the children, it was a 5 year battle, she did absolutely nothing wrong, but the courts are difficult. During this time, she needed help, both emotionally, financially and physically for years on end, daily in most cases. There was rarely a day that we didn't talk about whatever it was that day/week.
So almost 3 years ago, I met a lovely man, and I took some time getting to know him and grow our relationship. By this time,
My friend needed much less help as court was sorted, she was more financially stable and we sort of went on one of our breaks.
I moved in with my partner after 18 months, and she met a new guy.
I called a few times and text, with no reply, so I would leave it, then after about 8 months and many many calls and texts with only a hi, can't talk right now I'm doing x,y,z I will call you back, those call back didn't happen, I left it for around 4 months.
By this time, I had been moved a year. I got engaged to my Wonderful dream come true man, so naturally the first person fter my kids that I wanted to tell was her.
So I called, and called and texted, and just got nothing. Eventually she answered, so I told her my lovely news, and she just said, she was busy, taking kids places and would call back.
No call back.
So my kids started a whatsapp group, and she was added.
I sent her a text asking her to come dress shopping, but she replied with that she's busy. I had to go on my own.
In the 10 weeks, there have been 320 messages, about bridesmaids dresses, and colour choices etc. I was asking for help with everything as its a DIY wedding due to money.
I finally spoke to her last week and I asked her if she's OK, and she told me no, not really. Weddings aren't her thing, and the wedding chat "does her head in" and she would rather see the "magic" on the day .
I was speechless.
So I called her back and told her I was upset. I've never ever asked for a thing in return for what I've done for her, and believe me, what I've done is not a little bit.
She's really quite upset, that she's upset me, she said she didn't know that it would be usual for the brides best friend to help with dress shopping, or organising stuff. But who doesn't know that ?
I didn't want to go wedding dress shopping on my own.

It sounds like your friend is going through some stuff of her own and your wedding and general happiness might be triggering for her. She’s probably kept quiet to not upset you but has now ‘come clean’ when you directly asked. Thats how it comes across when I read your post. But of course it’s difficult to know exactly what might be going on. Do you live near each other? Can you arrange to meet face to face to do something fun, maybe make a joke that it won’t be wedding talk and see what’s going on? I imagine it’s nothing personal.

I think you need to respect the fact she's not that into weddings. Not everyone is, it doesn't make them bad people.
Focus on the people who are into them, and share the joy with them

I'm sorry was that a typo, 320 messages in 10 weeks, so 32 messages a WEEK just about the wedding!! Jesus Christ that's a bit excessive, she does have her own life and kids to deal with. I understand you're exited and trying to keep costs down but to expect that level of engagement from a friend that you've said yourself can go months without being in contact was a bit strange. I'm assuming your kids are adults, why couldn't they go dress shopping with you? I'm also a bit confused that you seem to think she owes you in some way because you've done so much for her, friendship isn't supposed to be transactional. It's usual for a maid of honour to help with dress shopping, but no it's not usual for them to help plan the wedding, that's the bride and groom as it's their wedding. Have you asked her to be a maid or matron of honour?

Does sound like your friend might be struggling a bit, as some one else said.

I don't have one "best friend", but I have three women I am close to who I text most days, confide in etc. If any of them had been as quiet with me as your friend has been I would worry and quite quickly ask what was wrong.

re. Dress shopping, I would think at least one would go with me if I asked them to, but as all three have had failed marriages (as have I), I wouldn't expect any of them to do it unless keen, and I wouldn't take it personally if they weren't. My first port of call would actually be my daughter for this job anyway. Do you have a daughter OP? Could you go with her?

It sounds like you dropped your friend when you met a man. You call it having a ‘break’ but maybe she felt abandoned.

OP, you’re being unreasonable. The friendship has always had intermittent fallow periods, and it’s in one of those now. You can’t bombard someone with hundreds of text messages because you think she owes you wedding help because you’re on a budget, and you helped her during her custody battle.

you have barely heard from this woman in the last few years, yet you bombard her with 320 messages re your wedding

why ?!

is she chief bridesmaid or matron of honour or something ?

320 messages with someone you're not currently in lots of contact with is absolutely wild. (My group chat with two of my old friends could easily reach 320 messages in a day if we're all chatting, so I get it, but I wouldn't keep sending them if they weren't replying!)

It's disappointing that she isn't excited for you, but it sounds like your friendship hasn't been particularly close for a little while now, above and beyond your usual periods of quietness. Horrible as it is, I think you should just let her be and accept that rather than picturing something she obviously isn't capable of or willing to give you.

Easy for me to say, althought it isn't believe me.

However, I really believe in the saying don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Take this as a chance to cultivate some new friends.

What do you do for fun?

Is there anything you've always fancied doing but never got to? Any local things you can attend to meet new people.

You've got one life. Spend it with people who like you!

So a long term friendship but sporadic contact. You start to plan a wedding and bombard her with hundreds of messages because she is meant to have guessed that as your budget is small you are expecting her unpaid labour to help plan it? And on top of that you implied you're calling in an emotional debt for when you were there for her in the past. If you have lost a friend it's because you've been really unreasonable here.

No, not a typo, 8 people in the group, 1 person would ask something, several would answer, then nothing for days. It's a group chat, the vast majority was other people discussing things.

My kids live in another country, hence the organising being done by group chat

My daughters live in another country, that's why the organising is being done by group chat.

Its as if no one on here has been on a group chat. OP doesn't mean 320 messages just to her friend. What she means is there have been 320 individual replies from 8 other people in the group to which she could have responded to, at least once. But her friend is totally ignoring the group chat. And totally ignoring the fact that her good loyal friend is getting married.

I understand friendships have quiet periods but if you have really done so much for this person and she can't at least congratulate you and feign some excitement for you as her friend, then she is a selfish person. And no I wouldn't consider her a friend. Friendship goes two ways. Evidently your happiness is triggering for her but that is not a free pass to be rude or ignorant. I would wait a while for an apology see if her behaviour improves then if not, reconsider the friendship. She has some making up to do.

No, the messages thing has been completely misconstrued.

I messaged her once. 1 single message to ask her to call me back so I could tell her about the engagement.
My kids started a whatsapp group, that she was invited to.
That's where the wedding chat was. She wasn't bombarded at all.
And whatsapp has an option to turn off notifications.
Unpaid labour, are you actually joking? I'm expecting nothing, The chat was all about my family (and supposed best friend) discussing colour choices, and helping me choose. Absolutely nothing will be done by anyone else other than myself, FH or the decorating crew.
This is about, 20 years of giving, and me asking for 1 thing in return.
Oh and as for unpaid, I've paid her phone contract for the last 3 years, without so much as a sodding penny back.

You say that she's upset that shes upset you. Which indicates that she cares. I think she still considers herself a friend. You've not lost her.

But 320 messages in 10 weeks would drive me potty! Particularly if I'm in the middle of relationships, kids, life etc. and if weddings aren't something that I feel passionately about.

She doesn't owe you help with your wedding. I'd be upset if I were her and you'd implied that it's your turn for support. I'd resent that you've 'banked' all the help you gave over her custody battle and are now calling in the favour.

It's lovely that you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And I get that you're enjoying the planning and want to share the excitement. But not everyone is a wedding enthusiast. Particularly if they've been wounded so badly as she was with her 2 exes.

You have every right to enjoy this time. I loved being a bride-to-be. But try to reflect that while your friends are doubtless pleased for you, 320 messages in 10 weeks is possibly overwhelming and even triggering (I hate that word).

How long is it until the wedding? Could she be thinking that she can't keep feigning wedding excitement at this pace for the next 12 months?

Oh, hang on. Crossed post.

You pay her phone contract?! That changes my opinion slightly. I still understand why she may feel overwhelmed with the messages. But it sounds as though you're more like sisters than friends. It's unkind of her not to be honest with you about how she's feeling. She could put a game face on and share your joy for once.

I think it seems that I don't understand friendship at all.
I honestly thought it was a give and take, 2 way street. But it seems from all the responses I've received that im wrong, and to ask for support at this time is wrong. So I will take that on board and March onwards.
The wedding is in 4 months, 6 months from engagement to wedding date x

Not everyone likes weddings. Not everyone is excited about them.

An extremely active WhatsApp group she hadn’t asked to join bombarding her with messages “is doing her head in.” She’s explained; weddings are not her thing and she doesn’t want to be part of the wedding planning team.

She can still be your friend. I wouldn’t want to go dress shopping or discuss colours either, especially after a long gap with limited contact. (I didn’t take anyone with me when I picked my dress) But I would still be happy for you.

Your mistake was trying to rope her in to your planning without ever establishing that’s something she would want to do.

No, it's not that at all. I have been contacting her the whole time, she hadn't responded. X

Honestly, this is 100% true.
And last week I cancelled it, got the code to take her number over to a payg network for her and I feel like the world's biggest bad guy.

I don't think it is usual for friends to help with this. Indeed traditionally it was only the bride and mother who even saw the dress beforehand.

She should of course have told you far earlier this wasn't her thing.

Thanks, there wasn't much chance for her to say anything earlier, as its a quick wedding. Less than 6 months to organise x

She doesn't see herself as your best friend.

She was happy to have your support when she needed it. Sounds like she's happy to have you paying for her phone contract (does she even know you are paying this? She may have lost track!). Sounds like she is happy to see you, speak to you, hang out with you when you both have time. But you haven't had time for 8+ months.

If she isn't engaging with the "wedding whatsapp" and has said she just wants to "see the magic on the day", what she means is - she will happily turn up to your wedding as a guest. She doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, go dress shopping, talk about decorations, favours, music, meal choices.