I don't know if I've lost a friend, or never had one, I'm confused.

[Twinkletoes127]

I have had a friend for 20 years, a long term relationship where they're are many many times where one or both of us are busy so we wouldn't talk/see each other for months on end and that is ok. It has always worked for us.
My friend split with her kids dad, and got with another guy soonish after, resulting in another child. This man was extremely abusive and relatively short lived,although he left a huge emotional mark.
So about, 7 years ago, her first husband, who had issues of his own, applied for full custody of the children, it was a 5 year battle, she did absolutely nothing wrong, but the courts are difficult. During this time, she needed help, both emotionally, financially and physically for years on end, daily in most cases. There was rarely a day that we didn't talk about whatever it was that day/week.
So almost 3 years ago, I met a lovely man, and I took some time getting to know him and grow our relationship. By this time,
My friend needed much less help as court was sorted, she was more financially stable and we sort of went on one of our breaks.
I moved in with my partner after 18 months, and she met a new guy.
I called a few times and text, with no reply, so I would leave it, then after about 8 months and many many calls and texts with only a hi, can't talk right now I'm doing x,y,z I will call you back, those call back didn't happen, I left it for around 4 months.
By this time, I had been moved a year. I got engaged to my Wonderful dream come true man, so naturally the first person fter my kids that I wanted to tell was her.
So I called, and called and texted, and just got nothing. Eventually she answered, so I told her my lovely news, and she just said, she was busy, taking kids places and would call back.
No call back.
So my kids started a whatsapp group, and she was added.
I sent her a text asking her to come dress shopping, but she replied with that she's busy. I had to go on my own.
In the 10 weeks, there have been 320 messages, about bridesmaids dresses, and colour choices etc. I was asking for help with everything as its a DIY wedding due to money.
I finally spoke to her last week and I asked her if she's OK, and she told me no, not really. Weddings aren't her thing, and the wedding chat "does her head in" and she would rather see the "magic" on the day .
I was speechless.
So I called her back and told her I was upset. I've never ever asked for a thing in return for what I've done for her, and believe me, what I've done is not a little bit.
She's really quite upset, that she's upset me, she said she didn't know that it would be usual for the brides best friend to help with dress shopping, or organising stuff. But who doesn't know that ?
I didn't want to go wedding dress shopping on my own.

We're you married before? Or this is your first wedding? Given you already have kids maybe she doesn't feel this is the big huge day same as you . You are not a young first time bride right?
Not sure why you pay her phone for her but that was your choice. I guess it did not come with a transaction attached.
But she does not owe you wedding dress shopping....did you used to go clothes shopping with her ? Did you use to go shopping for special occasion outfits?
She has said she wants to see you on the day . So that s nice right?
She just isn't into the big wedding planning thing.
She s had two husbands it has not worked out so maybe she just does not get it. But she ready to be happy for you on the day.
Maybe ask one if your kids to come over for a shopping weekend.

I suspect it is just the amount of messages in such a short period. And most people really don't care about someone else's colour schemes.

I honestly thought it was a give and take, 2 way street. But it seems from all the responses I've received that im wrong, and to ask for support at this time is wrong

Oh come on, that’s not what anyone is saying.

You can’t insist the give and take is on particular issues - if you were in trouble she may well step up. But this is not where she’s comfortable being involved.

You rushed ahead making assumptions about how involved she’d be. For whatever reason she can’t be part of the dream wedding with dream bloke - and as someone who’s been through such trauma I can imagine that would feel a bit much.

Accept she is your friend but not your wedding planner.

Ok, you’re clearly a people-pleaser in this relationship at least, simmering with suppressed rage that your years of service haven’t got you the behaviour you feel you’re ‘owed’. You keep saying ‘supposed best friend’, which seems to me like some kind of idea you’ve built up in your head. In reality, while it’s a long friendship, it’s drifted apart since her custody case was resolved and you both went into new relationships, several years ago.

Yet you’re still assuming she’s your ‘best friend’ (why?) and that she will ‘naturally’ understand that her job is to respond to wedding chats on WhatsApp and to volunteer to go wedding dress shopping with you, in return for your support during her family court case. She probably doesn’t connect the two things. She hasn’t responded to your attempts to contact her except in a ‘brush off’ way for several years. Does she even realise you’ve still cast her as your best friend?

Also, why on earth have you paid for the phone contract of a fellow adult you have almost no contact with?

And I am more than happy I could give her the support when she needed it.
But guess what. I didn't really want to all the time. But I did it because she needed me to do that. It lasted over 5 years. 5 years of being supportive.
I needed her to come dress shopping with me. She was the only person who could. I needed that.

Honestly, she probably doesn't see why you would need 'support' etc when getting married. It doesn't have to be a massive deal, and if it was stressing you out or too much to handle, you dial it down.

Friendship is a 2 way street, doesn't mean she has to be your wedding assistant.

It's all very dramatic tbh. Choosing a dress is not something you need support for, like court cases or whatever

It's an easy wedding. My FH is doing as much as me. It's been pretty plain sailing and smooth as far as preparations go.
I don't need a wedding assistant. I need the friend I thought I had.

Well, I managed just fine on my own so, I guess you are right x

You are being a bit bridezilla, how are you going to feel if what's she's actually got going on is a cancer diagnosis or something equally awful she didn't feel she could share as it might upset you?

Remove her from the group, send her a Save the Date card and invite her. Most people would go wedding dress shopping with their mum, in your case daughters too and maybe a best friend they are in proper regular contact with. Not someone they vaguely keep in touch with, it's not her fault your daughters live overseas or that you haven't formed another close female friendship in all these years.

Actually I’d be really pissed off with her. I think she is too used to you being her support frame and she’s jealous that you’re happy.

I imagine now you’ve stopped financially supporting her and stopped paying her phone bill she is losing interest fast.

A true long time friend should be able to dig deep and fake even a tiny bit of interest in your excitement.

She has probably muted the watsap group so I’d take her off

Sorry people are being so harsh OP. It is slightly shocking that you gave her so much support, daily support for years, and she won’t countenance spending 1 day with you to choose a wedding dress. It sounds like a one sided friendship where the pattern is that you support her but she doesn’t give back in return. She may she herself as the victim and you as the support and so can’t imagine that she would need to give any support to you. She will see that you have an active WhatsApp group as well as a great partner and that you have all the support you need. I’ve also had very one sided friendships. Friends who feel very comfortable having long conversations with me about their issues, but lose all interest if I were to ever talk about my own. Patterns can get very grooved in and hard to change.

Yanbu to feel disappointed that your friend isn’t interested in your wedding. Hopefully what she said is true and she’s not around because it’s a wedding and she’s be more involved if it was something else.
Have you removed her from the group chats? It sounds like she’d like to attend as a guest and see you on the day but isn’t willing to suck up the boring preparations bit. This is a wake up call for you - next time don’t martyr yourself when other people have a crisis, only offer what you want to.

Ok, she has already been removed. She has the invite.She doesn't have cancer or any other health issues.
I am 100% not being a bridezilla! I don't even talk about the wedding outside of my future husband! It's all being done between me and him. The original chat over colour choices etc has been completed. So that's fine.

I thought bridezillas control things? Is asking a friend to go somewhere with you once being a bridezilla? The whole wedding is being organised what we call organically. We have an idea, and let the venue do their thing with that. We aren't even having a sit down meal, to keep it relaxed and informal.
We are getting the children to decorate the cake, so that will be a right hot mess. Who cares? Not me!

Thanks. I honestly don't think I'm owed anything, and in don't like that it's come accross like that. Thanks for pointing it out.

I'd be annoyed at being added to a group chat without being asked first.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. You're not asking too much. Sorry you had to go dress shopping alone. Hope you have a very happy wedding day

@Twinkletoes127 why are you paying for her phone? Just tell her you forgot you were paying it and she needs to.

I know you helped her in her dark terrible times, but a wedding is not, or shouldn't be a terrible thing to deal with, and she, maybe, just hasn't the capacity, to take on someone else's stress, because they choose to have a wedding.

I mean this in a kind way but your wedding is your and your fiancé's priority nobody else's. It's the same when having babies. Everyone wants an invite to come but no one wants to work. You say yourself you wanted help with everything as it's diy. It is your choice to have a diy wedding. It's nobody else's and nobody else should be expected to help you. Yes it's lovely when people want to help but not everyone wants to or can and that doesn't make them unreasonable

32 messages a week is a lot! That would drive me barmy and would make me pull away. It's dominating and is likely to go on for sometime. Your friend has other prioritise (her own life). Instead of bombarding maybe ask her if she would be happy to help with some decisions and set up a lunch where the aim is to tick off x amount of things from the list. You need to contain the wedding talk or people will get sick of it pretty quickly.

Edited to add: have you actually asked her if she wants to be bridesmaid? wedding aside it doesn't sound much of a friendship

Look, I don’t want to sound harsh, but it sounds as if your idea that she’s your best friend bears no resemblance to the reality of the relationship any more, though it clearly did in the past.

In reality, you’re two formerly close people who’ve drifted apart over several years, after the court case that kept you in daily intense contact ended, and you both found new relationships. But your version of the relationship seems to have frozen at the point where you were still close.

It hurts when a formerly friendship ends, or is downgraded to ‘acquaintanceship’ when one person doesn’t want that, but in reality, it’s quite obvious that she stepped away several years ago.

Woah that’s harsh.

OP has supported financial and emotionally this woman through some tough times. It’s ok for OP to assume/ feel like there were in a close relationship.

That’s not being a people pleaser it’s being a friend who genuinely cared about another person. That’s how friends act.

Friendships ARE transactional - both people are supposed to support each other. Otherwise it ends up with one person taking the absolute piss - like OP friend. If this woman was asking for money off the OP and emotional support over a five year period it points to more than just an acquaintance.

Ive known my older at ‘best’ friend since I was 9 - I’m now 45. We can go months with out speaking as life gets in the way. She is not
acquaintance.

Maybe you don’t have many close friends though and don’t understand the dynamics of a close friendship

she said she didn't know that it would be usual for the brides best friend to help with dress shopping, or organising stuff. But who doesn't know that ?

I was asking for help with everything as its a DIY wedding due to money.

These are quotes from your own OP, yet with each additional reply- you have backtracked. 'I don't want an assistant', 'Its just DH and I organising' 'My kids are decorating the cake' etc etc. So which is it? No, I didn't expect my friend to help with dress shopping or organising anything!

Its sounds like you see her as your best friend, but its obvious she doesn't. Is she part of the bridal party? And why were you still paying her phone contract?

We have had a close relationship like this for 20 years. We have been through so much, utterly horrific life events that in not putting on here, It wouldn't have lasted 20 years if We weren't so very very close as we are.
I'm not sure any of these people have ever had this kind of friendship.
I sincerely thankyou for seeing it.

I have other"friends" but not one of them would I have asked to come dress shopping

No, I'm not back tracking.
I asked her for help with the dress.
The other help was only ever choosing colours etc.
I'm not back tracking because there's nothing to back track on