I don't know if I've lost a friend, or never had one, I'm confused.

[Twinkletoes127]

I have had a friend for 20 years, a long term relationship where they're are many many times where one or both of us are busy so we wouldn't talk/see each other for months on end and that is ok. It has always worked for us.
My friend split with her kids dad, and got with another guy soonish after, resulting in another child. This man was extremely abusive and relatively short lived,although he left a huge emotional mark.
So about, 7 years ago, her first husband, who had issues of his own, applied for full custody of the children, it was a 5 year battle, she did absolutely nothing wrong, but the courts are difficult. During this time, she needed help, both emotionally, financially and physically for years on end, daily in most cases. There was rarely a day that we didn't talk about whatever it was that day/week.
So almost 3 years ago, I met a lovely man, and I took some time getting to know him and grow our relationship. By this time,
My friend needed much less help as court was sorted, she was more financially stable and we sort of went on one of our breaks.
I moved in with my partner after 18 months, and she met a new guy.
I called a few times and text, with no reply, so I would leave it, then after about 8 months and many many calls and texts with only a hi, can't talk right now I'm doing x,y,z I will call you back, those call back didn't happen, I left it for around 4 months.
By this time, I had been moved a year. I got engaged to my Wonderful dream come true man, so naturally the first person fter my kids that I wanted to tell was her.
So I called, and called and texted, and just got nothing. Eventually she answered, so I told her my lovely news, and she just said, she was busy, taking kids places and would call back.
No call back.
So my kids started a whatsapp group, and she was added.
I sent her a text asking her to come dress shopping, but she replied with that she's busy. I had to go on my own.
In the 10 weeks, there have been 320 messages, about bridesmaids dresses, and colour choices etc. I was asking for help with everything as its a DIY wedding due to money.
I finally spoke to her last week and I asked her if she's OK, and she told me no, not really. Weddings aren't her thing, and the wedding chat "does her head in" and she would rather see the "magic" on the day .
I was speechless.
So I called her back and told her I was upset. I've never ever asked for a thing in return for what I've done for her, and believe me, what I've done is not a little bit.
She's really quite upset, that she's upset me, she said she didn't know that it would be usual for the brides best friend to help with dress shopping, or organising stuff. But who doesn't know that ?
I didn't want to go wedding dress shopping on my own.

I have repeated the kids are decorating the cake. Is that an issue?

Here. The kids are decorating the cake that My Future husband is making.

I don't understand what I've said wrong?

I think 320 messages in a group chat over several weeks isn’t that much. People can mute it or remove themselves if they don’t like it. I’m in several social groups with messages of this level, but granted they’re mainly people I see or speak to regularly.

But I do find it hard to understand that she was added to the chat even though (from what I gather) you’d barely spoken for over a year. If my friend didn’t want to speak to me, never messaged or called back, over that time I’d assume the friendship was over. It sounds as though she’s leaned on you emotionally and financially then forgotten you exist when things are going well. As for paying her phone contract all this time! I’m sure it sounds petty but I’d be miffed if I paid someone’s contract and they couldn’t find the time to use it to message me once in a while

People on MN are fucking odd OP. You’ve not said anything wrong. I think there are people on here who don’t have real life friends because they are unable to connect on a personal level.

You’ve been a good friend to this woman and unfortunately she’s not willing to reciprocate. Friendship do change as people do.

Focus on your wedding and try not give too much thought to her now.

Interesting take, but my kids started the chat and added her as, as far as we are concerned she's part of the family. Shes been included in all life events so they wouldn't have thought to do otherwise for this

@Barrenfieldoffucks no she doesn’t - and OP didn’t have to emotionally and financially support her for 5 years either OR pay her phone bill.

Jesus. I can’t imagine what some of you are life as friends ..

The responses here are insane. She should be happy for you and want to support you in something for you. I think she was never really a friend - it feels like you've done all the chasing and she liked being in control.

Now she's not, she's not bothered with you. Friendship isn't transactional but I know my friends would 100% support me and be there for me in anything that would bring me joy.

I think the wedding is a red herring here, @Twinkletoes127 , and some people are being quite harsh. From what you say, she's lately not been picking up your calls and not responding to your messages, quite apart from the wedding planning. There is a pattern and she's not your friend (at this time).

At any point did you ask her to help plan your wedding? And did she say yes she'd want to do that? Or was she presumptively added to a WhatsApp group that got very active with plans without signing up for that. If it's the latter I can see how that would have got her back up.
I haven't misunderstood. She has been bombarded within messages in the group, which she obviously isn't keen on being a part of. Yes, it would be lovely if she wanted to get involved but she doesn't and that her prerogative.
Your final line shows again that you do think she owes you. If you don't want to pay her phone bill then don't, but don't do so begrudgingly and then mentally hold it against her.

There are no 'shoulds'. This friend and the OP have been drifting apart for about three years, from the timeline given in the OP. The friend has not responded to texts, cut short phone calls, and hasn't spontaneously got in touch in a long time. It's completely illogical to expect her to sudden snap back into a mode that's clearly long past in her mind, and that she doesn't want to get re-involved in, just because the OP is getting married. I imagine the friend would be surprised to think the OP still thinks of her as a best friend, given that it's fairly clear they've been in only the most minimal contact for several years. The friendship is over, for now, or at least in abeyance. This doesn't mean it never existed.

Tbh I’d just just assume some that I’d supported through a divorce and financially helped out, was considered a family friend snd was paying for her fucking phone bill WOULD like to be included in a group chat about my wedding.

Most close friends would.

How ever some people on here are determined to make out OP is in the wrong for assuming she would.

Weird.

And I wouldn't assume that, especially with a friend who sounds like they've had a terrible time with relationships themselves, I'd ask them. We are all different but it sounds like the OP is pissed off with her friend for not behaving how the OP would herself, or how the OP thinks she should and that's no help to anyone.
If both parties want to salvage the relationship, and it sounds like they do, then I'd apologise for the assumptions and say I was looking forward to seeing them on the big day. Feeling resentment because she didn't want to go dress shopping in return for a paid phone bill isn't doing any good.

You've served your purpose to her OP.

She doesn't need you as her life is sorted now.

Sad for you but that's my thoughts.

It’s not in return for just a phone bill is it? 😁

Not sure why you minimising the relationship history?

But yeah I’d be pissed of eith the serious lack of reciprocated effort. Some people are just takers and the ‘friend’ is one of them

You’ve done nothing wrong by assuming that your best friend, who you have support and cared for would be excited for you and want to support you. I don’t love wedding planning but I feigned enthusiasm for my best friend because I do care about her .

I’m really sorry your friend has let you down. I wonder if something is really not okay with her and she doesn’t want to tell you because it’s embarrassing? Either that or she’s always been uncaring and you’ve just realised. Either way this is not your fault.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here , it’s perfectly normal to want an opinion on a wedding dress and a friend would usually be happy to do that . I agree with the pp that the friend is a taker and now it’s time to reciprocate she isn’t bothered . Enjoy your wedding @Twinkletoes127 , personally I’d not bother with her anymore .

You are so right, the phone bill is a non issue, I only mentioned it as one poster insinuated that I am annoyed as I wanted a free wedding planner, which is so far from the truth it's unreal. We have no money issues, and no need to get something for free.

It's our 20 year intimate relationship that I'm pissed off about. I don't even know if I'm pissed off. I'm upset for sure. Thanks for seeing beyond the crazy.
It's absolutely obvious that some of these people have yet to form real friendships and with these attitudes, likely never will.

I actually have no idea what all these people are going on about in the replies to
you? 🤨
You haven’t said anything wrong. Yes, if she knew not going dress shopping with you would mean you would go alone, then that is just basically a really unkind thing for her to do. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend, I would try and distance from her personally I’m sorry to say

Friendships are not black and white, generally. You have different friends for different reasons and different seasons.
You haven’t lost this friend; you are just needing to recalibrate the relationship and realise that she’s not going to be there for you at important times. That doesn’t mean you can’t accept this and move on with less expectation and intensity.

I’ll bet you have other friends who would just LOVE to be a part of your planning etc and help towards your special day.
Good luck!! x

It's not really clear that you "asked for support". It seems like you told her about the engagement and then your kids added her to a group chat in the expectation she would assist with your wedding without actually asking her. It would annoy me to be asked about colour schemes etc. what's it got to do with a friend?

Also, this is not "support" is it, it's just random chit chat where you'll be making your own decision anyway. So it all seems a bit pointless.

Send her a wedding invite and see her there.

I don’t understand why Ty think she is your best friend or why she should help you with the wedding

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP but it does sound like she has been retracting from the friendship for quite some years now and it might because of something she is dealing with. It sounds like she has gone through some very traumatic life events and that can sometime mess with your head and make you socially exhausted. I think if that's the headspace she has been in it might be hard for her to be excited for you happiness and it's easier for her to pull away than to fake engagement. If that's the case, these are her issues to deal with but I would give her some space for a while and see if she comes back. If it's a well established friendship things like this can happen and it's possible you will find each other again in a few months/years.

People are being really mean on this thread OP!

I think it’s perfectly understandable to feel disappointed and upset your friend hasn’t stepped up for you when you’ve gone above and beyond supporting them over the years.

By stepped up I mean be communicative with you and happy for you. Or just take your frickin call when you want to share important news.
if she doesn’t want to be involved with colour choices etc on the what’s app group, fine. But a friend is someone you share the good and bad with. Sounds like she’s had that in you, but you haven’t had that in her.
Thats upsetting and disappointing.

It is good you’ve taken the steps to not pay her phone bill anymore. I’d also feel cautious of the friendship, sounds like one of those people who will take, take, take and not give much in return.

I understand why you would think that from this post. We have a 20+ year relationship where we have both been to hell and back, but we've done it together. I'm not interested in airing all that on here, or any other public forum x

I’m sure, but you also say on here that you’ve barely had any contact in three years, and that what little contact there has been has been initiated entirely by you, that she’s almost never messaged you back or returned your calls and when she has, it’s been brief and she’s been preoccupied and uninterested in your life, including your engagement. That’s why it strikes me as strange that you defaulted to assuming she was still your best friend and would be delighted to go wedding dress shopping and help plan your wedding, when you’ve obviously drifted apart, temporarily or permanently.

Bluntly, if she can’t be bothered to reply to your texts, she’s not going to be afire with excitement about going wedding dress shopping. When was the last time you even saw one another?