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Original poster

Husband admitted cheating prior to marriage

57 replies

Mumma331 · 18/10/2024 13:35

Really need advise here.

partner and I got married 4 months ago (together 13 years). Have been on cloud 9 since that day, so much so we have had deep discussions about the future, past and present.

During these discussions after I asked, he admitted that 2 years ago when we went through a rocky patch he cheated.

On one hand I’m glad it’s no longer hidden and he’s finally been honest. On the other I am gutted, hurt and it’s just burst our newlywed wedding bubble.

I wish he would have told me prior to marriage. I feel so low. do I move on and try to forget it? Will I ever trust him and just be going through the motions?

OP posts:
sprigatito · 18/10/2024 13:38

This would be the end for me, I'm afraid. He has manipulated you into making a permanent commitment under false pretences, and robbed you of the right to make an informed decision about your future. You can't trust him, he doesn't respect you and I'd be done. I'm so sorry, you must be reeling Flowers

comedycentral · 18/10/2024 13:39

Do you want to stay together? If you do, you may want to consider marriage counseling to work through this. I think it will be difficult to trust again.

5475878237NC · 18/10/2024 13:43

I don't know what to make of the fact you'd been together years at the point the rough patch happened and he cheated. I would explore this all in counselling and see what emerges for you. I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat. But I do think there will be a new marriage going forward and something in you will now need to heal.

pikkumyy77 · 18/10/2024 13:45

I think I would have to ask for marriage counseling at least if you can’t decide to end it now. How did this come up? Is he guilt ridden or is this dome kind of mind fuck? Is the problem that he cheated? Or that he is the kind of person who asks for forgiveness in preparation for doing it again?

At the very least you need outside therapy help because, as a previous poster said, he lied to you in the run up to the wedding and essentially blindsided you with the truth when you couldn’t change your mind. The right thing to do was to confess prior to the proposal so you could make an informed decision.

TTPDTS · 18/10/2024 13:46

That would be the end for me - to me it shows that when things get tough, he gives up and cheats. Especially with it already being 11 years into the relationship! You're already fully committed at that point, it's not like he went on another date when you first started dating - he decided 11 years wasn't worth protecting.

I wouldn't trust him again - I'm not sure I believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" but I do think if you stay with a cheater you've shown that their action doesn't have the consequence of losing you.

DreamyJadeMoose · 18/10/2024 15:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

autienotnaughty · 18/10/2024 15:44

If it had been in the first few months I would be unhappy but work through it. Two years ago it would be over.

MoreCardassianThanKardashian · 23/10/2024 07:24

Is this about the same time that he proposed? Guilt led proposals don't have the same charm. The timing of him telling you is suspect as it's harder for you to completely leave him. Was he waiting for the security of marriage to dump this on you?

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. It's grossly unfair and forgive my candor but he is a dirt bag.

Pinkapie · 23/10/2024 07:24

So you'd been together 11 years and then he cheats? Ah OP, that's awful.
Sorry but I don't think I'd trust him again, if you ever have a fight you'll be wondering what he's up to now. It really depends if you can forgive and move on?

PissOffJeffrey · 23/10/2024 07:36

Yes, I’m sorry but I agree that cheating 11 years into the relationship would be a game changer for me. Had it been much longer ago, before you were so committed to each other, then I could forgive & forget but not so recently.

As a very minimum please get some marriage counselling so that you can work through this in your own mind with the help of an independent professional. The decent thing to do would have been to confess before the wedding - at the time of cheating. At least then you would have had the choice to say no, I can’t marry you.

cheddercherry · 23/10/2024 07:36

It would be the end for me because I know in those circumstances it would eat me alive. I’d never really trust him again because I feel like people either have it in them to cheat (and then always will/ will justify their behaviours) or they just would never cross that line.

I could live with what he did, he’s sort of forced you into that now under false pretences, but I couldn’t live with who it would turn me into.

BananaSpanner · 23/10/2024 07:39

What on earth has possessed him to drop that bombshell on you? That’s selfish in itself, purely to relieve his guilt. Do not credit him for the honesty, he’s offloading his burden on to you to make it your problem instead of making sure it never happens again.

kirinm · 23/10/2024 07:43

Does he think the marriage resets the relationship and any infidelity before then will be forgiven?! I couldn't get past this I don't think.

JustRollWithIt · 23/10/2024 07:45

For me things would never be the same. 100% commitment is needed in any relationship, not just after a wedding has taken place. Sorry this has happened. Only you know the circumstance of the rough patch within which he cheated, but this would break my trust for sure.

greentick · 23/10/2024 07:46

You clearly suspected at the time from the language you use. Why didn’t you address it then?

CagneyNYPD1 · 23/10/2024 08:05

I am in no way defending him but can you clarify what you mean by "rocky patch"?

To me, a rocky patch is a period of time where there is a lot of stress but you are still together. For others, it could be a period of actual separation before reuniting.

So difficult to advise without knowing what your rocky patch looked like.

vincettenoir · 23/10/2024 08:09

It sounds like it would be worth putting the work in as you love each other and are currently in a place of emotional intimacy. But I can understand that this is very unwelcome news and not how you wanted to start married life.

Iclyn · 23/10/2024 08:21

If it was a rocky patch that means you were not living together and on a break , as devastating as it still is , it makes it a bit of a grey area .
If you were still in the relationship , then unforgivable . Sorry.

bifurCAT · 23/10/2024 08:32

Yep, need to define rocky. Were you 'on a break?' Was there time apart? Were either of you blanking the other? How long was this period?

BigDahliaFan · 23/10/2024 09:00

Drunken fumble one off or long term cheating, there's a difference.

AnotherEmma · 23/10/2024 09:05

So you'd been together 11 years, he cheated, then at some point after that he proposed, married you 2 years after cheating, and instead of telling you about before the wedding (and ideally before the proposal) he waits until several months afterwards? What an arsehole.

Do you have children together? Own/rent a home together?

wellicantseethem · 23/10/2024 09:32

Had you split during the rough patch?

ChampaignSupernova · 23/10/2024 10:02

I am going to say the same thing I said to another poster who says her husband cheated. You have only just found this information out. You do not need to make a decision on your marriage now. This is time for you to put you first and do what you need in order to make a decision. This is a time of self love, wrapping yourself in support and getting yourself into a clear head space to be able to make an informed choice.

The marriage and relationship will never be the same again. Yes people stay together and appear happy following an affair but that is accepting your partner for what he had done and accepting that although you can work hard to repair the cracks the crack will always be visible to you and him. You need to figure out if you can live with that and now is not the time to make that decision.

Know that you can always change your mind if you decide to stay too. I don't say that to push you to leave I say it because I chose to stay and the felt I couldn't leave when I realised I couldn't accept what he did. I forced myself to stay in the relationship because he hadn't done anything else wrong since I agreed to stay. Then he did cheat again and I ended it. Its only now I realise I could have changed my mind and still held my head high all those years ago. Do not carry his shame. That all belongs to him.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 23/10/2024 10:15

I agree with other posters that the kind of cheating (drunken one off or sustained build up with someone he knew/still knows) and whether your rocky patch included a Friends style “we were on a break” which makes things murky. I would obviously be devastated either way, but it does make a difference re intent if he thought you were done for good, or at least temporarily single.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 23/10/2024 10:18

Btw if it was someone he knew, the rough patch may well have been because of the cheating rather than the cause of it. If he’d had his head turned he could have manufactured arguments to ease his guilt at cheating and/or give him reasons to go out and not contact you. Just a thought.