Husband admitted cheating prior to marriage

[Mumma331]

Really need advise here.

partner and I got married 4 months ago (together 13 years). Have been on cloud 9 since that day, so much so we have had deep discussions about the future, past and present.

During these discussions after I asked, he admitted that 2 years ago when we went through a rocky patch he cheated.

On one hand I’m glad it’s no longer hidden and he’s finally been honest. On the other I am gutted, hurt and it’s just burst our newlywed wedding bubble.

I wish he would have told me prior to marriage. I feel so low. do I move on and try to forget it? Will I ever trust him and just be going through the motions?

Op says he admitted after she asked him and then he has finally been honest. Clearly Op suspected he’d cheated at the time. Why would you go onto marry someone you suspected of cheating? She may have asked pre-marriage and he denied it, but clearly the denial wasn’t convincing enough due her to ask him again but she still married him.

Agreed

Thank you for all of your replies. It’s been the worst week whilst I’ve tried processing this bombshell.

to clarify, during Covid, he lost 2 immediate family members to Covid and was hospitalised himself for a long period on the Covid ward. It changed him in so many ways. He shut down, mentally was unstable and was very depressed. This went on for around a year. We drifted apart, slept in separate rooms for a month or so. Wasn’t sleeping together. He says it was during/around this period.

I agree with the comments. I would never have crossed that line.. he did and that is so hard because at some point we resolved things and was trying to work through it.

Yes I've been depressed and it tends to make you completely uninterested in anything including sex. Can't imagine having an affair while depressed. But maybe men some people function differently.

Yes, some people do function differently - they're called men. Honestly, if I had a pound for every bloke who had an affair because he was depressed, he'd had the flu, his dad died, his dog died, etc etc. Secret shagging seems to be the magic cure for blokes.

Quick question
Who owns the house
Who contributes more to bills
Who paid for the deposit
Who earns more

I ask this because it means alot about respect
If you own the house, pay the bills and put all the deposit down before getting together and he has just moved in with you with no financial contributions since being together then I would consider leaving . He is probably there for the free house, food, etc

If however,
He owns the house, pays the bills and put the deposit down and treats you well for the last few years then I would say he has some respect for you.

Only you know your relationship but I have seen too many women being financially responsible for men who are clearly just using them. Do not care and cheat on the gf and then propose all the time because they want somewhere to live.

'Trickle truthing', where you find out the truth in dribs and drabs over a period of many years, is a manipulative and abusive behaviour that robs you of your autonomy in the relationship. He has denied you the opportunity to make an informed decision about what you want from life, concealing his behaviour and making that decision on your behalf. And now he's put you in a predicament that's harder to walk away from h, he's told you (some of) the truth because, on balance of probability, he knows it's now more likely you will stay than to go through the embarrassment of a divorce so soon after the wedding.

OP, you must understand, the likelihood that there is more he isn't telling you is high, and you'll be here again in three years, him telling you something new, and you trying to decide if it's worth leaving over something that happened so long ago.

It's not old to you. It's now. It's new. And it's absolutely ok if you want to leave.

First of all don't have a fling to get your own back, it dosnt work (talking from experience)
What you do really depends on if you think he's genuinely sorry about it, and you want to try to make your marriage work give it a go. Tell him how hurt you are and your willing to give it a go for say 6 months, but if you still can't trust him, or he EVER cheats again your in the divorce courts. Remember you can't divorce him for adultery because you wastnt married when he cheated. BUT my advice is, get your own bank account, if you have a joint account ok, but get your own as well so that if the worst happens you can manage to walk away and not be reliable on others. Every woman should have her own bank account I believe.

It's quite telling that he only thought to mention this after you married him.
Get divorced asap.

Why would he decide to drop that bombshell now when you were so happy? If he was feeling guilty and in a bit of torment because of it that's his problem and he deserved to feel guilty. He must have known how devastating that would be to you. Honesty is not always the best policy.

Hey, so sorry to hear this. It's so hard to say what the best thing to do is cause it's so personal to you. I'm not sure I could work past it and the timing for him to let you know seems abit selfish to me as he has had amble opportunity to tell you before the wedding.

What is his manner at the moment? If it was a one off you'd think he'd be guilt ridden and told you sooner or straight away. Everyone has rough patches but going out and cheating isn't the way to deal with it if you really love your person. Definately red flags. I think it would be the end for me just with the circumstances. If he had told you this straight away or before wedding I fell it might have been something you could work through.

I do feel that if you do forgive him it would be very hard to put behind you both and alot of work and trust building would be needed. So sorry but this is not a reflection on you as a person please remember this.

In all honesty I believe if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was YOU who had cheated, and not told him, then he would be long GONE. I would not stay if my hubby cheated like this, as its manipulative. But this is your choice. Have a long hard think about what you want. I feel for you hun, this is gonna be tough for you so sorry.

He owns the house and paid the deposit. We both work and split the bills but he is the main breadwinner and completely provides financially for me and the kids. He pays for multiple holidays every year, we live a comfortable life because he works very hard to provide. That’s something I cannot deny him. Xx

This is so true.

I can almost hear this guy saying: “are you really going to break up our marriage over something meaningless that happened so long ago?!”

And then in a year or more’s time if it ever comes up again he’ll let it slip that it was two times not one or someone from work and not a stranger but he’ll be adamant ‘I told you all this before, why are you getting upset about it again now?’

Don’t put up with it.

If it was only two years ago, I'd consider this a serious problem. Not something I would immediately split up over but something I would need to talk about with him. Any bad patch in s marriage/relationship does not warrant something to jump into someone else's bed. Massive trust issues I suspect, from here on in.

Me and my partner have been together four years. Recently, she admitted to have been seeing someone else whilst we were initially getting together. It pissed my off because at the time, I was making every effort to see her, rearranging shifts at work, doing most of the travelling etc etc. But considering it was in the initial stages, I've put it behind me. But, I probably wouldn't have put in so much effort back then, if I knew she was shagging someone else.

I don't think you can easily put this behind you, in a similar way.

I agree with you, he should have said it before the wedding, he could have given you both a clean slate and let you decide if you wanted to move forward and start the marriage fresh. Now he's tainted it, that's the part I'd be annoyed at.

Either bring it up before or keep quiet. I just don't get it.

If I was you I think I'd be done. But you've been together along time. Maybe some councilling before hand would be good, Just to work out your true feelings and get soke perspective before you make a final choice 💜

Thank you. It’s just devastating. I appreciate everyone’s advice so much. It’s going to take me so much time to process and I can only take each day at a time. I have no idea how I will feel about this in the future or if I can move forwards with trust.

I will not force anything, I can’t go through the motions if I will be unhappy and I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a depressed and miserable wife….time will tell. Where is the best place to enquire for marriage counselling? How embarrassing that is after only a few months :(

You should ask him who it was. He should go and get you something nice. You have been together for 13 years!

maybe getting divorced isn't the way to go.

A divorce isn't the answer. Communication is key.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

He cheated, he lied, he decided to tell you 4 months after being married, which they say the first year is the hardest as it is.

He needs to be fully honest and open. Did he say why it happened or anything apart from a rocky patch. It's unforgiveable really, and you really do need to take the time, he has shown you he is untrustworthy and needs to earn that trust back.

He needs to show up every single day and show you what you mean to him... He managed it for 11 years before he cheated, I guess it's not like he did it the while time, which shows he has self control, but it doesn't make it ok.

I don't, but if you just searched it for your area, I'm sure you'll find some good ones, just check out reviews etc and make sure they are decent.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's just so awful and unnecessary, it's quite selfish of him aswell to do it now. Did he tell you because he felt guilty or he slipped up. I just don't know why he'd bring it up now of all times

So this happened 11 years into your relationship.

if he was to say it happened when you’d been dating for 6 months I would possibly be able to get past it.

But not this.

Yes thank goodness. Marriage gives me more protection in these circumstances as my name is not on the deeds, marriage alone means I am in a less vulnerable position for which gives me some peace of mind.

There are so many elements to this situation and any family/ marriage I guess. walking away sounds easy and like the right thing to do when so hurtfully wronged but I do have to use this time to not be hasty and to think logically and wisely not just with my emotions because I also have children to consider, not just myself. Thankfully they are are in their teens…

however I know he won’t get the same version of me and I will never look at him the same.