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Original poster

Will I regret having my wedding abroad if family members can't come?

87 replies

YayaL · 29/10/2023 14:07

Looking for advice! Myself and my fiance were hoping to get married in June 2024. We've been together for 10 years and have always said we would love to get married in Italy with close family and friends.

We have planned our perfect wedding but just as we were about to officially book everything, my mum and dad have said only one of them will be able to attend because the other will have to stay home and mind my sister who is disabled. I was hopeful she would be able to come but recently she has declined in ability and it doesn't seem to be a possibility. We have looked at multiple scenarios for this but none seem to provide a solution. (ie. she won't stay with a carer and she won't be able to travel etc) To be honest I don't think she would be able to attend a wedding regardless of where it is.

As part of our plan we will legally marry here in Ireland in the registry office and celebrate with dinner in a restaurant afterwards with family.

However, if we cancel the wedding we have planned in Italy, this will be the only thing we do as neither of us are too fond of traditional Irish weddings so we don't see the point spending money on something we don't really want. I won't bother with the wedding dress I wanted because I don't really see the point if the wedding party is so small and it wouldn't be a full ceremony, and we probably wouldn't get to celebrate with our friends because we just couldn't afford the same wedding party here in Dublin.

Part of me feels incredibly selfish for wanting to just go ahead with the day we want but I also don't want to risk regretting my wedding day forever by not doing what we wanted to do.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm heartbroken at the thought of cancelling our dream wedding and equally heartbroken at the thought of my Mum or Dad not being able to attend.

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 29/10/2023 14:15

I got married recently - the best part of the day was having all family and friends there. Much more important than location. I’d have the wedding locally so everyone can come, and go on honeymoon to Italy.

newtlover · 29/10/2023 14:19

surely you can have any kind of wedding you like in Ireland?
are there laws there about the kind of wedding you have?
I was under the impression the Irish knew how to party

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2023 14:19

It does sound a bit as if you have got stuck on there being 2 options - the day you want in Italy versus a traditional Irish wedding.

Actually there are lots and lots of options. You've realised that you don't want to marry without both your parents and your sister there - I agree, I think that's important for most people. Can you make a wedding you would love within reach, and yes, honeymoon in Italy? What were you going to do in Italy that was different?

RampantIvy · 29/10/2023 14:22

It depends on what is important to you. For me having my family and close friends at my wedding was far more important than the venue (My wedding pre-dated social media). By having your wedding abroad, you are telling your immediate family that you aren’t bothered whether they attend or not, especially if your sister isn’t able to travel. I think this will have lasting implications on your relationship with them.

This doesn’t mean that you have to have a traditional Irish wedding either. Just have the wedding you want at home and honeymoon in Italy.

crumblingschools · 29/10/2023 14:22

What is the bit about getting married in Italy that you really want? Could you have a blessing and honeymoon there instead?

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 29/10/2023 14:23

To me, a wedding is about more than just the couple. They often have to compromise for the vendor of what others in their families want. If you aren’t prepared to compromise, I think couples should elope. Therefore any wedding with family and friends is always a compromise and not solely the couple’s dream wedding.

I would have absolutely loved to get married in Italy and didn’t want a traditional wedding. I knew my grandparents wouldn’t have been able to travel to Italy for my wedding and I didn’t want to get married without them there. So we had a traditional wedding, which has some perks because it was at a chain hotel who throw weddings every week and so I didn’t really have to do anything once everything was booked.

I don’t regret my wedding day. I don’t regret picking the traditional option that enabled my family to attend to the best of their ability. By our second wedding anniversary, two of my grandparents had died along with my aunt. I’m glad my wedding was the opportunity for people to come together one last time. My aunt died three months after our wedding and I regretted not getting enough photos of her at my wedding but she had a great time dancing and I’m glad she had that.

Travelling abroad you are asking one of your parents to attend. At least a local wedding, even if your sister still can’t attend and your parents are with her, one can do the ceremony and then swap for the reception.

lunar1 · 29/10/2023 14:27

It depends on what's more important to you I guess. Are there restrictions on the type of wedding in Ireland?

Original poster
YayaL · 29/10/2023 15:09

@PermanentTemporary
Thanks for your message! <3

Our options really are 1) Get legally married here in Ireland followed by a small dinner with family and then have a ceremony and full dinner with friends and family in Italy or 2) only have the legal marriage and small dinner.

Yes there are lots of options to get married here in Ireland. The reality though is that you need a lot more money here which we don't as we are a young couple and an abroad wedding works out at a fraction of the cost.

Unfortunately my sister not being able to travel also applies to the countryside here which eliminates a lot of those options too.

The wedding in Italy was a place that has meaning to myself and my fiance. We love Italian food, culture, lifestyle etc and we have friends over there too. The ceremony location was on Lake Garda and then dinner in a restaurant on the side of a mountain (which was all remarkably wheelchair accessible although it doesn't sound it haha). I understand all of this sounds quite extravagant but compared to prices we were given in Ireland for traditional weddings it was half, if not a third of the cost and seemed like we would get a lot more for our money. Hence why we wouldn't have a traditional Irish wedding if we are to cancel Italy.

I feel like doing both (the legal marriage here followed by the Italian wedding) we will have tried our best to have everyone involved in some way. But if we cancel Italy, everyone else will be happy, but myself and my fiance won't have had the day we wanted. It's hard to express without sounding and feeling selfish, but I don't want to regret not doing what we wanted to do on our day.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 29/10/2023 15:15

So even if you have a wedding in Ireland it sounds like one of your parents is going to have to stay with your sister during the ceremony anyway?

So small official wedding in Ireland - Mam attends.

Small wedding in Ireland - Dad attends?

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2023 15:17

I suppose I'm thinking about something like a bring and share wedding at home instead. I've been to a few and there is always a ton of good food, and it takes out a huge chunk of the cost of a standard wedding.

Original poster
YayaL · 29/10/2023 15:19

@RampantIvy
Thanks for your message!
Choosing our venue had nothing to do with social media haha I am young but unlike some I really don't care what other people think of my wedding, which is why I wanted a smaller wedding with only close friends and family.

The location we chose in Italy is important to us as a couple which is why we picked it. My mum wants us to go ahead with what we want to do and unfortunately my sister isn't aware enough to have feelings on the matter. She wouldn't know what a wedding is. I don't think it will cause issues with my relationship with my family. If one thing is certain, having a sibling with disabilities makes the bond of our family unbreakable and i'm sure of that. :)

My only question here is, regardless of having the legal marriage celebration with family at home, will I miss my mam or dad so much on the day in Italy that I will regret doing it in Italy at all.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/10/2023 15:20

Have the legal marriage and super small dinner in Ireland then the wedding you want in Italy.

theresnolimits · 29/10/2023 15:20

As someone who has attended overseas weddings, it may be much cheaper for you but it’s far more expensive for everyone else. Not to mention the hassle, taking of precious holiday days etc.

Honestly, I can’t believe there isn’t a middle ground that suits everyone. If something happened to your sister, and you say she’s getting worse, how will you feel?

Maybe chat to mum and dad and see what they think would work?

Mummy08m · 29/10/2023 15:22

A wedding abroad isn't cheaper, it just shifts much of the expense onto your guests. If you factor in the total cost of everyone getting there and their accommodation, I'd be amazed if it's still cheaper. It's just not you paying

Original poster
YayaL · 29/10/2023 15:22

@PermanentTemporary
That's not something i'm familiar with here... thanks for the suggestion! I'll look into that :)

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 29/10/2023 15:25

Does having it in Italy work out cheaper for your guests?

HughCanoe · 29/10/2023 15:28

Mummy08m · 29/10/2023 15:22

A wedding abroad isn't cheaper, it just shifts much of the expense onto your guests. If you factor in the total cost of everyone getting there and their accommodation, I'd be amazed if it's still cheaper. It's just not you paying

This ⬆️. I got married in Dublin - it was a small wedding with immediate family and friends and the reception was at a restaurant. We went abroad for a honeymoon a few days later.

Ponderingwindow · 29/10/2023 15:30

you can plan the wedding you want locally and ignore traditions, you are making a choice to go abroad. Costs may be lower abroad, but your guests are incurring higher expenses so really you are just passing the wedding costs to them.

it’s a very big deal to get married without your closest family members present. It’s very likely you will regret choosing a wedding location over your parents and sibling.

RandomMess · 29/10/2023 15:31

Could you have a ceremony in Italy as part of your honeymoon and everyone Skype in to watch?

TeenDivided · 29/10/2023 15:31

Is there no way your sister could go into respite care so both your parents can attend?

gotomomo · 29/10/2023 15:32

Can't you have a civil wedding and lovely meal at an Italian restaurant in Ireland at a location your sister can attend then spend the rest of the budget on a honeymoon in Italy - I highly recommend lake como and can recommend a little self catering place that overhangs the lake, stunning location and doesn't break the budget (we paid €110 a night)

Original poster
YayaL · 29/10/2023 15:33

@Mummy08m
A wedding abroad is more expensive for guests you're right. But it doesn't shift any expense to them that I would have paid for in a wedding here... At least in Ireland it's not typical to pay for your guests travel or accommodation. We are also obviously not expecting any gifts as the guests attendance will be their gift to us.

We have looked into transfers from the airport to the town for our guests and the hotel prices are cheaper than Irish hotels. My fiance works for an airline so there are also some discounts we can avail of there. We of corse considered our guests finances in our decision to get married abroad. They are close family and friends, some of whom have had weddings abroad themselves which is why we know they are happy to travel.

I think you may have missed the point of my question..

OP posts:
PastorCarrBonarra · 29/10/2023 15:33

You may find that several guests decline Italy due to CoL, childcare, annual leave scarcity etc. It may end up being a tad disappointing.

I think I’d go there for honeymoon, just bride and groom. Wedding in Dublin with as many invitees as you can afford, with fingers crossed that sis can make it, even for an hour or two.

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2023 15:34

Re bring and share - be warned, it's quite hard to Google as it threatens the profit margins of the wedding industry... the ones I've been to, the bride and groom provided eg all the drinks plus a lot of backup nice bread and the coffee or tea, and then allocated guests/families who were definitely coming to make either a main course, a salad or vegetable dish, or a pudding for say about 6 people.

The ones I've been to tend to be a slightly alternative crowd so the main courses have often been all vegetarian or vegan, but a few years back that wasn't the case and it can work either way.

Mummy08m · 29/10/2023 15:36

A wedding abroad is more expensive for guests you're right. But it doesn't shift any expense to them that I would have paid for in a wedding here... At least in Ireland it's not typical to pay for your guests travel or accommodation.

You've missed the point... presumably most of your friends live in Ireland or even in your town? Their accommodation costs would be nil (stay at home) and their travel costs small.

My vote would always be an inexpensive option nearer home.

As a pp suggested, host at home or at your parents' home, if large enough. Or some inexpensive village hall option. Self-catering and/or everyone chips in. Aunty X does the cake, Uncle Y does the decorations.