Will I regret having my wedding abroad if family members can't come?

[YayaL]

Looking for advice! Myself and my fiance were hoping to get married in June 2024. We've been together for 10 years and have always said we would love to get married in Italy with close family and friends.

We have planned our perfect wedding but just as we were about to officially book everything, my mum and dad have said only one of them will be able to attend because the other will have to stay home and mind my sister who is disabled. I was hopeful she would be able to come but recently she has declined in ability and it doesn't seem to be a possibility. We have looked at multiple scenarios for this but none seem to provide a solution. (ie. she won't stay with a carer and she won't be able to travel etc) To be honest I don't think she would be able to attend a wedding regardless of where it is.

As part of our plan we will legally marry here in Ireland in the registry office and celebrate with dinner in a restaurant afterwards with family.

However, if we cancel the wedding we have planned in Italy, this will be the only thing we do as neither of us are too fond of traditional Irish weddings so we don't see the point spending money on something we don't really want. I won't bother with the wedding dress I wanted because I don't really see the point if the wedding party is so small and it wouldn't be a full ceremony, and we probably wouldn't get to celebrate with our friends because we just couldn't afford the same wedding party here in Dublin.

Part of me feels incredibly selfish for wanting to just go ahead with the day we want but I also don't want to risk regretting my wedding day forever by not doing what we wanted to do.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm heartbroken at the thought of cancelling our dream wedding and equally heartbroken at the thought of my Mum or Dad not being able to attend.

We had a very small wedding, and to my dying day I will regret not having my nan there. I just had mum and dad, and my sister. And I deeply regret how hurt she was by it.

Your day is about sharing your love/relationship with your family, not the venue.

I suspect whichever parent stays at home will fell devastated.

Imagine your dream wedding, in Italy, but without your mum helping you get ready. Or without dad walking you down the aisle

Overseas weddings cost guests a lot. Money and AL.

It's your choice. Decide which is more important to you

Personally, I wouldn't want to get married without my parents and sibling present, so I'd choose to get married in Ireland and honeymoon in Italy. It ultimately comes down to your priorities though. You have to choose between both parents being there or a location. Would you be able to look back at the photos without one of your parents in them and be ok? There's your answer.

This sounds like a perfect wedding.

Can't you get married in Ireland with your family then honeymoon in Italy? Obviously it is everyone's choice where to get married but if you choose a destination wedding you need to accept not every family member or friend you want to be there will be able to come. For me it would be more important that my parents and sister can come but your choice. Surely not every Irish wedding is a big traditional one. Can't you arrange the one you want?

Thank you NancyJoan - it was and we are still happily together. We got married in Trinity, we'd drinks in the Westbury and I walked down Grafton Street in my wedding dress (veil and all) to the QV2 for dinner.

It's only one day - the important thing is every day afterwards.

A family member had a bring and share reception. They paid for all the drinks, hired crockery and a couple of helpers to serve and wash up. It was the best wedding reception I have ever been to..

Is it Malcesine where you want to get married?

It wouldn't occur to me to arrange a wedding that one of my parents couldn't attend; particularly for the reason stated. Make different lovely plans and go to Italy for your honeymoon. Your wider family and friends are likely to thank you also .

I'm married... Getting engaged and getting married is a minefield...90% plus of couples get caught in the hoopla even if they don't want to. It's really tricky...
My DH was looking at a 120 person wedding we ended up hiring a restaurant and having 35 people. It was great and meant three terminally ill family members could comfortably enjoy the day. For one of them it was the last time we actually saw them and it was a lovely memory for everyone

Personally, I'd be doing a registry or local church with something low key in your house or your parents or rent a church hall (like get a local restaurant to knock up some platters or literally get a load of booze and party food in from Aldi) stick on a spotofy playlist and enjoy.
Then have an absolutely amazing honeymoon in Italy on lake garda or wherever. I can't imagine some random Italian cathedral is ACTUALLY sentimental/important.

I personally would REALLY regret my parents not being at my wedding even if I didn't feel like a complete arsehole on the day, I would definitely in the future eg. When they are sick /dying.

Not having one of my parents would be a dealbreaker to me. Forcing one parent to attend alone sounds like such a miserable prospect and will cause lifelong sadness IMO.

I think you need to ask yourself whether a tiny part of you wants to kick back against your sister’s needs dominating the family and making you feel second best. Which is very understandable if that’s the case.

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza
Thank you so much for your reply <3
This is exactly what we are thinking. Have the small family legal wedding here and then do what we want to do in Italy with friends and family who can make it. Everyone gets to be part of the wedding in some aspect and we also get to do what we want. :)

@Iwishyouwould.
haha this could be another solution to be honest! It's sounding more and more appealing as time goes on

Thank you for your kind message... I feel hated in these comments for no reason to be honest. People feeling personally victimised over a decision I haven't even made yet and just asked if anyone had the same situation and what they did...thank you for understanding <3

Thank you so much for your reply <3
We are very keen on Italy and I do think we will regret it if we don't go. Just have to weigh up if it will be worth going without 1 parent or cancelling even if one of my parents still can't make it to a wedding in Ireland. It's a tough one. Nice that some people can understand that :)

I absolutely agree with your point. Unfortunately it's quite likely my sister and one of my parents won't come even if I have the wedding in Ireland so this slightly changes the situation to not so black and white.

I will of corse be upset that one of my parents won't be in my photo album. But that may happen even in Ireland. So do I stay or do I go...

What a life your parents have. I feel so sad for them. A pp talked about the guilt each might feel of one came to the wedding. But there's also the deep sadness they'll feel because you can't have the wedding you want.

To be honest, I'd be saying to my daughter that she must have the wedding she wants, while sobbing inside at not being at her wedding.

If you do decide to marry in Ireland, I hope you can put as brave a face on it as your parents have.

I am concerned that you say that your sister can't have respite care though. If your parents don't try this, however badly she reacts at first, what will they do of one of them ended up in hospital for some reason? And they won't always be around.

I've worked in disability all my professional life, and I've met some amazing families. But sometimes they're TOO selfless, and ultimately it doesn't help the disabled member of the family. So please encourage them to work with professionals to get your sister to a point where she can be cared for by others. Even if it's ultimately just for a few days at a time.

you are not having a wedding in italy
your wedding is in ireland
you are having a party in italy

I suspect that many people will decline if they know that you will be already married

The wedding day isn't important it's the marriage. I personally have all my family around me.

Thanks for your message! Unfortunately it's quite probable one of my parents won't come to my wedding even if it's in Ireland for the exact same reason. I'm not forcing anyone to attend alone but it's just the reality of having a family member with additional needs.

My parents are amazing and have never made me or my other sister feel second best. I'm not sure if you have siblings or friends/family who are severely disabled yourself but one thing it does teach you is to be a bit more realistic about things. I know my sister and one of my parents is not going to be able to attend, so i'm not dwelling on that. I'm just trying to create some sort of solution where everyone is happy.

We want to have our day the way we've always planned it... I don't think that's too much to ask really

Thanks for your message.. all of our guests have accepted our save the date for our 'party' knowing that the plan was/is Italy and that we will be already legally married.

Thank you for your message.
I agree, my parents are amazing people who have led a very hard life.

I have no doubt they are very upset that one of them wont be able to attend a wedding in Italy. But the same situation stands for Ireland too. This is why I'm asking on here for advice (not judgement which many people on this thread seem to have no problem dishing out) I feel awful about the situation but the options are that one of them doesn't come and me and my partner also don't get the day we want. Or one of them doesn't come but we got to do what we planned. It might seem black and white to some but i'm really struggling to decide.

As for my sister I really appreciate your concern. Without delving too much into it, she has never coped well with respite. She has always panicked without my parents being with her and ended up in hospital. It's something we are always trying to work on with her but unfortunately covid sent her backwards a lot.

I can’t imagine choosing a wedding where both my parents couldn’t attend.

In your later posts you say one parent maybe wouldn’t attend even if in Ireland. But your earlier posts sound like they could manage to attend in Ireland albeit your sister couldn’t. (surely if it is close to home they could take turns at least). It seems a bit like you are changing your story because you really want back up for the Italy plan.

In your shoes I would speak to them honestly about what kind of wedding they can manage to attend and then build the wedding plan around that.

The photos and memories of my parents at my wedding are precious to me and I can’t imagine them not being there if it could have been possible. If friends couldn’t make it then that would be sad but not a dealbreaker but parents are key, at least for me.

Bloody hell how expensive are Irish weddings?!

I've been to LG many times and been to 2 weddings in Malcesine and they're enormously expensive for guests to fly to/transfer from Verona/stay in a decent place by the lake!

It's cost us £600 flights, £300 airport transfer, then you're talking at least 4 nights in a hotel or apt. You're talking minimum £2k per couple before food/drink/outfits etc.

Are you sure your guests understand that it'll be expensive even with any discount your partner can get?

We went to one wedding on the castle patio in Malcesine and yes it's gorgeous but it's a shit load of money for an hour or so.

OP I don't understand your problem.
Normally I'd say, prioritise your family. But both parents might be unable to attend anyway due to your sister?
In this case, why would you sacrifice your dream wedding for nothing?

Dream wedding + missing parent is far better than no dream wedding + missing parent.

You'll get people piling on to advise against the destination wedding but MN is famous for hating anything perceived as 'extravagance' so I'd just ignore these people.

Travel in the UK is so expensive these, train + hotel. If your family have to travel anyway going abroad can work out cheaper.

Yes I am referring to my family. That's why I wrote 'makes our family unbreakable'

Of course no mother or father wants to miss their daughters wedding. Unfortunately in my case, that situation is very probable wherever I do it. My sister has anxiety and can't handle big crowds of people or being separated overnight from my parents. It's just the way she is. Nobody can help that and I understand and accept that.

Of course my mum doesn't want me to be constrained by my sister. I can see how someone outside looking in could view that as awful maybe, but my mum has been an amazing support for me and my other sister to live our lives how we want to. Probably because she herself never got the chance.

There's a lot of people here quick to point fingers while not knowing the reality of the situation. I came on here to ask for advice from people who have been in the same/similar position. I didn't ask for judgement from keyboard warriors who are bored on a Sunday night and whom I can guarantee most of them aren't in remotely similar situations.

I am obviously going to be sad that both my parent's won't be able to attend every part of my wedding. But why is it so terrible that we do something at home for family and then go on to do what we wanted to in the first place?