Doubts on our wedding

[Louise0907]

Honestly just looking for people to talk too really. Me and my fiancé are due to get married in January. The last few months I have felt increasingly nervous about it, possibly the feeling of being unsure whether I want to go ahead at all. He has three children from his previous marriage and I have one child from mine. We have got a four month old together. I’m finding it so hard to explain what it is that’s bothering me as I guess I don’t really know. Just an overwhelming sense of feeling like I no longer want to get married. I have discussed this feeling with him and his response was ‘well if you call off the wedding, we need to split up because there’s no coming back from something like that’. Which I completely understand. I’ve just got no idea why I feel the way I do. We have our fair share of arguments but nothing major really. Just feel pretty lost in it all

Arguments about what? Minor stuff is normal to disagree over but not big things or where things get unpleasant.

I always think you should go with your gut on this - marriage should be an active decision because you really want to. Don't sleepwalk into inevitable divorce proceedings, you'll regret it.

Well, his reaction wasn't great OP. It would have been nicer if he'd shown some concern and tried to understand what your reservations were so that he could reassure and support you. Maybe it's a gut feeling, and you should always listen to your gut.

Could you postpone it rather than cancelling it, to give you more time?

Well your gut is telling you you don’t wish to marry him. So clearly you’re not in loves dont see a future with him.

Just small things like the lack of housework done on his part. I would say 95% of housework/cooking is done by me which is frustrating but not the end of the world. I know calling off the wedding means calling off the relationship as he said he would feel humiliated and I completely understand that. I just cant shake the feeling that this might not be what I want anymore

Really? He didn’t show concern for the op when she gave him the horrible news she might not want to marry him. What a bastard eh? Not putting her first When she said that.

To be honest I can sort of see the rationale behind his comment. I'm not sure many women would be happy to stay in a relationship with a man who called off a wedding a few months before either.

Do you think these feelings are manifesting as a sign of something else e.g. post natal depression?

I think you need to pull out of the wedding and the sooner you do it the less embarrassing it is for him.

You have two children of your own and would be taking on an extra three of his - that would be too much for me. Also think of the children - it's far better to not go ahead than it would be to have a divorce.

I feel absolutely fine with baby, he was very wanted. But I will say my fiancé doesn’t help with him much at all. He’s an avid gamer so tends to spend his free time doing that. We had a disagreement a few nights ago as he hasn’t given baby a bottle/changed a nappy in two whole weeks. He does work full time whilst I’m on maternity leave. But he does have two days off a week which he spends gaming

Oh god, the gaming bit and not doing any work in the house makes it a no-brainer. Why would you marry someone who acts like a teenager?

he hasn’t given baby a bottle/changed a nappy in two whole weeks. He does work full time whilst I’m on maternity leave. But he does have two days off a week which he spends gaming

Yeah. Wonder why you don't want to commit the rest of your life to this prince....!

My DH did everything he could for us, especially with my second as I had a c-section. Do not put up with this utter disregard for you and his child.

I can see his point about ending the relationship if you choose not to get married. However, his days off are now going to be spent with five children...

So you said you were worried about getting married because you have to do everything around the house, things aren’t fair, and you have a lot of arguments too, to name a few worries.
and, rather than trying to understand your worries, or work on your relationship, or you know, doing a bit more housework, he just thought about himself and how he would look to other people and then gave you an ultimatum to put up and shut up or to break up.

It’s either cold feet, or you actually don’t want to be with him. To figure out which one, ask yourself why you wanted to marry him in the first place? And has something changed since then that wants to make you reconsider? Marriage aside, do you still want to be with him and do you see a future with him?

Just thinking - does he spend time with his first three children when they visit?

I guess our relationship before was more 50/50 and that was appreciated. We both worked full time but he got home before I did so dinner was more him whilst housework/laundry was more me. Since the baby, I’ve gotten nothing from him really.

Not really no. They tend to isolate themselves on tech. My 13 year old is always out in the grove with his friends but fiancé’s kids won’t go out. And if we tell them too, they start crying saying we are forcing them to come off their tech etc

No, OP, don’t marry a gamer who does 5% of the housework and childcare, and is more concerned with his own feelings about you calling off the wedding than in figuring out if his behaviour is causing your reluctance. Which it is.

Listen to your gut here. Good luck.

But he's happy when they're on their tech, isn't he, because that means he can do his gaming.

It's your maternity leave, not your house elf leave. Why on earth are you doing everything while the lazy fucker sits around gaming? I bet you are doing everything for the stepkids as well. I wouldn't just call off the wedding, I would RUN.

As a stepmum myself I would say don't do it. Do you already live together? Do you end up doing almost everything for his kids? This isn't going to get any better, he clearly wants someone to do all the gruntwork while he spends his time gaming. It would be a no from me.

The step kids can be great but are very hard work. His eldest has mental health issues and is under psychiatric care and his youngest who is 8 still wears nappies. No health problems found though, just laziness it seems. So it can be challenging. But we always made it work together. Just feel like I’ve gotten less and less help

We live together yeah but it’s my house.

Hang on, an 8 year old wears nappies due to laziness? Have the parents taken him to the doctor?

Somehow I knew that would be the case.

@OhComeOnFFS They have yeah but all tests show no problems. If you ask him why he hasn’t used the toilet, he will say he forgot or he couldn’t be bothered.