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Weddings

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Original poster

Doubts on our wedding

75 replies

Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 15:56

Honestly just looking for people to talk too really. Me and my fiancé are due to get married in January. The last few months I have felt increasingly nervous about it, possibly the feeling of being unsure whether I want to go ahead at all. He has three children from his previous marriage and I have one child from mine. We have got a four month old together. I’m finding it so hard to explain what it is that’s bothering me as I guess I don’t really know. Just an overwhelming sense of feeling like I no longer want to get married. I have discussed this feeling with him and his response was ‘well if you call off the wedding, we need to split up because there’s no coming back from something like that’. Which I completely understand. I’ve just got no idea why I feel the way I do. We have our fair share of arguments but nothing major really. Just feel pretty lost in it all

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 02/10/2023 17:52

OhComeOnFFS · 02/10/2023 16:08

Oh god, the gaming bit and not doing any work in the house makes it a no-brainer. Why would you marry someone who acts like a teenager?

This ^^

Call it off now.

GasDrivenNun · 02/10/2023 18:00

OhComeOnFFS · 02/10/2023 16:08

Oh god, the gaming bit and not doing any work in the house makes it a no-brainer. Why would you marry someone who acts like a teenager?

^^ this.
What exactly is he bring to the relationship?
Spends hours gaming and doesn't share the workload of family life.

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/10/2023 18:01

@louise0907 Could his proposal have been motivated by the fact you own a house that he would aquire half of if you marry, or was it done purely for love and no material gain? If you split will you be ok with losing your home? Would you and your children be ok financially if you lost half your house? What do you gain from marrying him?

Newestname002 · 02/10/2023 18:08

@Louise0907

It’s just so so hard because I do really love him even with his faults.

I'm sorry but sometimes love just isn't enough. You are already having doubts and need to listen to them and take sensible action.

You are currently part way in a trap with someone who doesn't look after any of his own children, prefers to game rather than contribute to the care and running of the shared household, and has you doing all he vast majority of the drudgery of home and family, including his own difficult children, having moved into your house.

It will be hard for you to pull out of your current situation because you do care for him and because change is daunting but it will be much worse and much more expensive for you if you get into a legally binding marriage and end up sharing your assets (your house, pension, savings etc) with him when you can withdraw now and save yourself the angst and expense.

I wonder what his ex wife/partner would tell you about her life with him if you were to ask? 🌹

PaminaMozart · 02/10/2023 18:09

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/10/2023 18:01

Goodness...... I was speed reading and somehow missed this!!

For all that is holy, at least get legal advice....... in the (hopefully) unlikely event that you decide to go ahead with this!

Lastchancechica · 02/10/2023 18:11

Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 16:18

The step kids can be great but are very hard work. His eldest has mental health issues and is under psychiatric care and his youngest who is 8 still wears nappies. No health problems found though, just laziness it seems. So it can be challenging. But we always made it work together. Just feel like I’ve gotten less and less help

Jesus op. Just re read that post.

He games constantly
is a dreadful Dad
His children sound severely damaged

RUN!!!
He is using you

Ragwort · 02/10/2023 18:13

I can't really believe this is true .... why would any woman get together with a man who is clearly a useless parent and games all day .. assuming you are real... get rid of him.

Lastchancechica · 02/10/2023 18:16

Call it off today, your gut instinct is literally screaming for you not to make such a huge mistake.

I would keep an open mind about the relationship if you want to keep your options open, but I would never ever marry this man. But it’s up to you (I would end it personally) re staying together but not married.

You are doing all of the donkey work
inc I suspect basic care for his 3 x dc
You have a house

He is using you.

Towerofsong · 02/10/2023 18:32

OP I agree with everyone else but if you feel under too much pressure to make a decision at the moment, at least postpone the wedding. Tell everyone you wanted more time to save up for it and that you'll announce a new date in due course.

That allows him to save some face.
You can then just quietly split up down the line if that's what you decide, without having announced a new date.

Please don't get married and give this guy half your house unless you are totally sure.

But him gaming, his kids gaming and getting upset if they are to play outside, the 8 year old wearing a nappy and the parents not seeing to care about that, his ex not working ....it's a lot. Not to mention the stress of the older kids mental health difficulties.

I assume he is paying a fair amount of child support to his ex? And living with you helps him financially?

You can love someone but you don't have to sacrifice your life and housing independence to be with them.

Lastchancechica · 02/10/2023 18:34

I think postponing at this early stage won’t bother anyone in either family, apart from your Mum and closest friend might ask. Buy yourself some time. I am not sure why you need more time…. I would be ending this now.

Netcam · 02/10/2023 18:37

It doesn't sound great TBH. I wish I'd listened to my doubts when I married my ex. Second time around with current DH I was totally sure, no doubts.

JassyRadlett · 02/10/2023 18:38

OP please don't do it. Don't give half your house to this loser when the marriage inevitably breaks down. Protect yourself and your kids and your future together - imagine how much lighter and easier things would be just the three of you.

LizzyLongbow · 02/10/2023 18:43

You poor thing. Please walk away before it's too late.

Original poster

Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 18:51

We have been together 4 years, engaged for 1 and a half years. Everything was great initially but I guess they aren’t now. He has his other children every other weekend due to work commitments so pays maximum CSA for his earnings which is roughly £105 per week.

OP posts:

Blough · 02/10/2023 19:00

Ok? If you don’t bin him you’re signing up for more drudge and being used, with the addition of losing half your home. Stop allowing yourself to be made such a fool of just to have some bloke in your house.

WinterDeWinter · 02/10/2023 19:05

Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 16:03

Just small things like the lack of housework done on his part. I would say 95% of housework/cooking is done by me which is frustrating but not the end of the world. I know calling off the wedding means calling off the relationship as he said he would feel humiliated and I completely understand that. I just cant shake the feeling that this might not be what I want anymore

OP, this isn't a small thing at all and you are right to be very worried. It means he's happy for you to be the skivvy. Would you be happy the other way round? I wouldn't, I'd feel awful. But if I thought I was more valuable and important and just all round better than my husband, maybe I'd be ok with it too.

I really wish women could look this issue in the eye and see what the logical conclusion is, rather than being gaslit into thinking that only nags and boring small-minded women care about this crappy stuff.

It's actually everything - it's the heart of the relationship.

WinterDeWinter · 02/10/2023 19:07

Oh my god just read the rest about the stepkids and the house.

Run, for god's sake. When you sign the register you'll be signing away your life's happiness.

dressedforcomfort · 02/10/2023 19:48

Omg, I'm not surprised you have doubts. OP, don't hitch yourself to this complete manchild.

Oldthyme · 02/10/2023 20:00

Do. Not.Marry.This.Man!
Listen to the wise MNetters.
Listen to your gut.
As a PP has said, you will be signing your life away.
An 8yr old in nappies? Really? That alone is enough to put anyone off.

Goldflap · 02/10/2023 21:55

An 8 year old in nappies with no medical issues is neglect.

This cannot be real.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2023 22:51

Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 16:18

We live together yeah but it’s my house.

If you marry him and split up won't be have a claim on your house?

if you don't marry him then he can't claim anything.

Do NOT marry him

rosesarered94 · 04/10/2023 21:32

Tbh I think you should always trust your gut. I'm getting married in 8 weeks and I feel nervous in terms of wanting everything to go smoothly due to how much planning has been involved but excited to marry my partner. Listen to your inner voice it won't steer you wrong, good luck x

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 07/10/2023 13:05

You're already doing almost everything. You'll still be doing a lot if you do cancel the wedding and leave but you'll also have 4 other people that are no longer on your home that you're expected to skivvy for.

Is your house owned or part-owned by you?

Have you decided what to do yet?

MariaLuna · 07/10/2023 21:20

Does he pay everything for the kids when they are with you or does that fall to you too?

A guy gaming all his free time is like a teenager. What a turn-off.

An eight-year-old in nappies?! He ignores that while he's spending all his time gaming? Oh dear......

Sometimes love is not enough OP.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 08/10/2023 21:19

Hope you've had some time to think over the week @Louise0907

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