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Original poster

Doubts on our wedding

75 replies

Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 15:56

Honestly just looking for people to talk too really. Me and my fiancé are due to get married in January. The last few months I have felt increasingly nervous about it, possibly the feeling of being unsure whether I want to go ahead at all. He has three children from his previous marriage and I have one child from mine. We have got a four month old together. I’m finding it so hard to explain what it is that’s bothering me as I guess I don’t really know. Just an overwhelming sense of feeling like I no longer want to get married. I have discussed this feeling with him and his response was ‘well if you call off the wedding, we need to split up because there’s no coming back from something like that’. Which I completely understand. I’ve just got no idea why I feel the way I do. We have our fair share of arguments but nothing major really. Just feel pretty lost in it all

OP posts:
girlyjim · 02/10/2023 16:23

He sounds like a complete waste of space and your gut is telling you to get out. Always follow your gut.

What happens at school with the 8 year old and nappies? Does the teacher change him?

Original poster
Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 16:24

@girlyjim they call the kids mom who doesn’t work so is readily available to go in and change him.

OP posts:
TulipsTulipTulips · 02/10/2023 16:24

Don’t marry him OP. He sounds utterly useless.

girlyjim · 02/10/2023 16:25

Jesus, his parents are utterly failing him by allowing that to carry on.

rainbowstardrops · 02/10/2023 16:25

I was set to be on your partner's side but after your updates? No, I wouldn't marry him. Walk away now and be happy

Original poster
Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 16:27

It’s just so so hard because I do really love him even with his faults. But sometimes everything just feels so heavy and I guess that’s when I start to wonder whether it’s all worth it.

OP posts:
Blough · 02/10/2023 16:27

Not only do not marry him, boot him out of your house. Are you not outraged? A deadbeat scumbag has you skivvying round after him and his kids, making a complete fool of yourself. Avoid all blokes entirely until you’ve done extensive work on your self esteem and standards, you never should have allowed yourself to turn in to his housemaid.

noadvice · 02/10/2023 16:35

If you think for one second this mightn’t be what you want anymore please don’t marry this man!

It will be very expensive and very difficult to get out when you realise you are sure about your feelings.

Leave sooner rather than later

Blough · 02/10/2023 16:39

A child neglecter is not loveable, a deadbeat using his next girlfriend for housing, chores, meals and free childcare is not loveable. He’s a terrible example of a man to inflict on your kids. If you dump him he’ll panic at the thought of having to house himself and raise his kids and will guilt you/shed a few tears to manipulate you into continuing to housing him. Don’t fall for it.

defaultresponsibleadult · 02/10/2023 16:41

I am not one to get the pitchfork out and run with the baying mob screaming LTB - but i am in this case.

No. No. no. Just no. this is not good at all so please please please for the love of all things.... LTB

HernesEgg · 02/10/2023 16:41

Blough · 02/10/2023 16:39

A child neglecter is not loveable, a deadbeat using his next girlfriend for housing, chores, meals and free childcare is not loveable. He’s a terrible example of a man to inflict on your kids. If you dump him he’ll panic at the thought of having to house himself and raise his kids and will guilt you/shed a few tears to manipulate you into continuing to housing him. Don’t fall for it.

Couldn’t disagree with a syllable of this.

OP, this guy has really done a number on you. He’s moved in to your house with his difficult children, got you cooking and cleaning for them, and has managed to convince you that this is a viable relationship?

Londonscallingme · 02/10/2023 16:45

Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 16:06

I feel absolutely fine with baby, he was very wanted. But I will say my fiancé doesn’t help with him much at all. He’s an avid gamer so tends to spend his free time doing that. We had a disagreement a few nights ago as he hasn’t given baby a bottle/changed a nappy in two whole weeks. He does work full time whilst I’m on maternity leave. But he does have two days off a week which he spends gaming

Me and my DP have both lost so much in terms of our pre-baby hobbies and free time. It’s shit sometimes but we share the load, I couldn’t imagine being with someone who expects to be able to spend all w/e on their hobby when you have a new baby together. That’s not teamwork.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/10/2023 16:54

Louise0907 · 02/10/2023 16:18

We live together yeah but it’s my house.

I definitely would not get married in that case. He lives in your house, spends his free time gaming and does less than the bare minimum expected from a working parent? Goodness, poor you.

If you were to get married: Get legal advice and protect your assets.

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/10/2023 16:58

The housework issue is not a small issue.

His attitude to your doubts is not a small issue.

Have you sounded out your friends and family? The ones who don't spend their life trying to keep the peace at the expense of their mental health.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/10/2023 17:02

Blimey. Why did you agree in the first place. His parenting skills don’t seem to stand up to scrutiny, or his social habits, or his life skills……

BettyPhuckzer · 02/10/2023 17:07

If it feels heavy now and you're not sure now, then listen to yourself

DP doesn't want to continue the relationship if you call off the wedding which is fair enough

Put you and your own children first and lighten the load

Mix56 · 02/10/2023 17:14

What would you say to your daughter if she was in thus situation?
Please cancel the wedding & get him out...
Now

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 02/10/2023 17:16

My goodness he sounds terrible!
His children are…..very unusual. A 8yo in nappies due to laziness? I’m speechless. I wouldn’t want his parenting style or anything to do with his older children.
I would dump him.
Dont sacrifice your life for his ‘embarrassment’.

Charliecatpaws · 02/10/2023 17:25

You deserve so much better, being a single mother would be the easier option for you. Ask him and his kids to leave.......

GalaApples · 02/10/2023 17:28

Small thing! You doing 95% of cooking and cleaning, housing him and his difficult children in your home! That is not small - he is an entitled lazy cock lodger who has no interest on your feelings or welfare. No wonder he issued threats when you expressed doubts: If he loses his comfortable set-up with you, he will be off to find another needy or passive woman who does not assert herself enough. A wedding should be a joyful celebration of a joyful partnership. Your instincts are telling you what you need to do - trust them!

SeulementUneFois · 02/10/2023 17:30

Get rid of him OP, especially out of your house.
He's seen you coming, and been completely taking advantage of you.

Tbry · 02/10/2023 17:41

If you have any doubts at all don’t go ahead with it….your house then becomes your half of a house and you have yourself and your two children to think about when it goes wrong.

As for the other things I have known many men using my friends like this it’s called a free ride as currently you do everything there and his ex does everything for his other children at her house. I don’t have anything positive to say about this sort of person ….. sorry. You and your children deserve far far better.

SirWalterElliot · 02/10/2023 17:45

Listen to your gut and don't let the perceived embarrassment of calling off a wedding be a reason to get married.

Sunshinenrain · 02/10/2023 17:47

How long have you been in a relationship?

And how long have you been engaged?

PaminaMozart · 02/10/2023 17:50

HernesEgg · 02/10/2023 16:14

No, OP, don’t marry a gamer who does 5% of the housework and childcare, and is more concerned with his own feelings about you calling off the wedding than in figuring out if his behaviour is causing your reluctance. Which it is.

Listen to your gut here. Good luck.

Indeed