Don’t want a wedding

[Louise0923]

My partner, mum and his family want us to have the big white wedding. It’s being fully funded by my parents so it seems like the best option. However, I don’t want a big wedding, I don’t drink, I hate planning and I dislike the focus being on me. I love my career and everyday life and I love my partner, and I can already feel resentment seeping in at how much planning I have to do for something I don’t want. I also have a long term chronic illness and I just about keep afloat in my every day life without adding more stress.

Is it selfish to elope and then throw a party some other time? Will I regret turning down a wedding with my family and friends which is fully funded? How do I go about making sure my partner doesn’t feel like he’s sacrificing his wedding day? At the end of the day mine and his family will need to like or lump it, but his feelings are important.

Also it’s nice you consider his feeling’s important, does he consider the fact that you have a chronic illness and just about keeping your day to day afloat important? Do you really believe that he feels your wellbeing is important? How is he showing that?

I could've literally wrote this word for word. We've been engaged coming up for 6 years and the thought of an actual wedding terrifies me. I hate being the centre of attention, the planning aspect and have a chronic illness also.

When I discuss with DP, he agrees to small and somehow we end up with an invite list that's huge because he doesn't want to leave people out and wants a lavish venue. I just want to get married the two of us, our daughter and parents. One day maybe we'll get there.

I agree with @JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue that this is a good indication of how your future relationship and life is going to be.
Have you actually said to your parents and partner that you actively do not want a big wedding?

Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish

A little update! We’ve agreed on a small intimate wedding, us 2, our parents and grandparents. We are going to go to a hotel down south which does an elopement package and use the money for a holiday for us all! The hotel has a spa and is in the country so it’s a nice break for us all. This thread really helped me to sell the idea, and I used the original elopement idea to make my mum feel as though we’ve now compromised! My OH said he did want the big wedding/party but since we last discussed his perspective has changed a little and he was thinking it’s a lot of money/stress for one day. He suggested abroad but I think that can come with its own stresses and I’m not great travelling.

Yes, he isn’t as proactive as I’d like but he has a big heart, works hard for us and is laid back which means my chronic condition doesn’t bother him when we can’t do certain things! Thanks for the advice everyone!

I'm glad things are working for you both @Louise0923. At the end of the day whilst the wedding day is important the marriage afterwards is what really matters. Hope you all enjoy the occasion! 🌹

Sounds like a great decision.

That sounds lovely @Louise0923

We did similar and the hotel were fantastic. Had glasses of bubbly and the like ready and we had a fantastic meal so it felt really special, even if it was small.

I hate being the centre of attention and so does my husband. We had lovely family time and got some nice photos. Have never regretted it. If a big do isn't you then you're never going to appreciate or enjoy it so better to use the money in other ways.