Don’t want a wedding

[Louise0923]

My partner, mum and his family want us to have the big white wedding. It’s being fully funded by my parents so it seems like the best option. However, I don’t want a big wedding, I don’t drink, I hate planning and I dislike the focus being on me. I love my career and everyday life and I love my partner, and I can already feel resentment seeping in at how much planning I have to do for something I don’t want. I also have a long term chronic illness and I just about keep afloat in my every day life without adding more stress.

Is it selfish to elope and then throw a party some other time? Will I regret turning down a wedding with my family and friends which is fully funded? How do I go about making sure my partner doesn’t feel like he’s sacrificing his wedding day? At the end of the day mine and his family will need to like or lump it, but his feelings are important.

Are you more uncomfortable with the planning or with the day itself?

Does your partner like the planning and is he realistically able to do majority of it?
Would it be possible to use part of the funds to outsource the planning?

You definitely don't have to organise a big wedding for everyone else's benefit.
Eloping is ok, just you both must be on board with that.

You can talk with your DP about individual aspects of a wedding, what each of you want/don't want. He likes idea of the wedding, is there some specific subset which means wedding for him?
I learnt, that if we would elope with my DP there must be a big fancy cake somewhere in a plan, because that's the best thing about a wedding for him.

How would you both feel about half a day afternoon wedding with a small garden party?

My friend had a very small wedding in a chapel near where she lived and then had a buffet in a pub the next day near to her parents’ house for more guests. Her dress was a bodice and skirt type thing and she wore the bodice with trousers to the pub.

Do what you and your partner want, regardless of your parents, and consider your health carefully.

Thanks @ZiriForEver. He wants the big party part where all his friends and family can come. He wouldn’t do the planning, unfortunately he’s a go with the flow sort and slightly old school in terms of expecting me to do most of the traditional woman things (although we are working on this and it’s just how his family worked so it’s breaking those habits). Which is why I’m trying to steer away from a big wedding Id have to plan for his and families benefit.

Im wondering if a big party could be arranged some time after a quiet elopement. That may be a good compromise- like you said including the part he wants.

How about a registry office wedding followed by a close family meal.

DH wants big party. DH can't be arsed to plan big party...

If DH wants a big party, he can plan it. Assuming you’d be ok to have the big thing just not organise it!
otherwise I’d seriously discuss whether they’d give you the money for something else like deposit or paying off mortgage.

Oh, I’m quite cross for you, OP! You are unwell and don’t want a party, and he’s expecting you to do it?!

Feel free to separate the two, though I’m not sure about eloping, would you want eg your parents and his there for the wedding part?

I agree about DH needing to plan if he wants it! Nobodies perfect, he has a heart of gold but family values and norms are embedded and are taking some time to unpick. This may be a good chance to discuss his thoughts around me planning!

I think separating the wedding and part is a great idea!

I'd do a small private ceremony for immediate family - ideally mid week. Then a reception evening party at a weekend with something simple like a hog roast and DJ.

The whole sit down meal, centrepieces and speeches stuffiness is boring!

If your parents are paying, they may have views as to what the party part looks like. or maybe they will be chilled out, hope so!

We eloped and then had a big party when home. Much less stress! And was easy as the hotel organised pretty much everything!

I would do a small wedding with immediate family, followed by a small meal.
Then he can organise the party he wants at a later date. If his planning is that bad, it probably won't happen.

I had a small intimate wedding in 2021, registry office followed by party in a pub with a hog roast. All in all it cost under 3 grand! Some people couldn’t believe my dress was only £70 but who cares!! I had the best day of my whole life. No pressure on anyone just pure love and fun all day. However for some people that is their idea of hell and they want the big day and all the trimmings! It all depends what makes you happy not everyone else. I was the same didn’t want all the attention and am a minimalistic person so it was just perfect for us. I am sure you and hubby to be could come to a compromise but honestly low key weddings are the best! Xx

He wants it, so he plans it. You don't want it - and you have limited energy - so it's not your business to plan it. Not sure what's so complicated?
Is the fact you have a vagina so important as to commit you to doing something you don't want to do? Why?

If your fiancé wants a wedding and it’s being funded by other people then there must be a way of doing this in a way that also allows you to have a nice time.

In the planning department, my experience has been so far that there really isn’t that much to do if you buy a package from a venue. You can also delegate. My dad had a whole thing where I NEEDED to have PROPER wedding cars so I sent him off to go and choose and book some.

Oh we legged it and still don’t regret it

everybody was very upset with us at the time but they got over it. My family is very dysfunctional and my husband couldn’t face a big wedding like he had as a student (!)

Far better to watch a wonderful marriage than a wonderful wedding IMO

Just do it your way

You could elope and have a holiday. Less stress.
or you could go to the registrar office and have afternoon tea.
Your DH could have a stag party for his friends -
Theres lots of options.

But he needs to help.

Seriously don't do it. I was talked into so much by family and I regret it. I wish we had eloped like we originally planned or just gone to registration office.

Elope & plan a party or dinner to celebrate when you're back. Much less pressure.

Tell him exactly how you feel. You don’t want a big wedding and you certainly have no interest in planning one. You’re entitled to feel that way.

Op I'd go small wedding, immediate family only and granny if there are any. Then restaurant for food.

He's not going to want to elope and it sounds like your mum would be really hurt by it too.

Celebrate in a way that suits you.

I would personally have a registry office wedding so my family could be there as they are so keen (and paying) as opposed to eloping. Followed by a party somewhere where they do lots of the planning for you, in house catering, decor etc. You just turn up! Can be as big or small as you like! The most stressful part of my wedding was organising bloody bridesmaid dresses. Wrong size 4 days before the wedding etc. so if you want bridesmaids maybe give them a colour (or don't) and just leave it in their hands.

Keeping it simple would be fairly straight forward!

Look on this as a trial of how married life would be. He wants a party but expects somebody else to organise it. Will you have children, and if so will he expect you to give up your career? Will he spend all Sunday on his "hobby" with you picking up the pieces? Family birthdays, Christmas, wil it all fall to you?

Use this wedding situation as the opportunity for an open discussion before you make a final decision that could see you back on AIBU in a few years time....

Something for you to think carefully about OP. 🌹

We basically set up a spreadsheet and allocated tasks between us. Sorry but we come from an asian background with extremely trad views on the role of women and men. It’s no excuse for basically opting out of making an effort to organise your own wedding (mine was massive and basically went on for a week, I didn’t particularly want it and we made it as simple as possible within the confines of the various events we needed to have to observe religious and cultural obligations).

Honestly I wouldn’t have lifted a finger if DH wanted us to have a great big traditional wedding but made no effort to deliver it.

I think you need to really think about what it says about your partner, he’s happy for you to feel stressed out to give him what he wants but doesn’t feel bad enough to actually pull his own weight.

Do you even need the party? If you don't like that kind of thing.

Couldn't you just have an immediate family wedding? Let your mum see you get married? Just book a registry office. It doesn't need to be where you live. If say you like the countryside book one in a pretty location that's not too far away.
Book the later slot like 3pm and then go straight for a few drinks and a meal. Keeping it to immediate family is easier so you don't get into the 'but she was invited ' territory.

Or you can get some cool places like observatories that do small weddings.

Book a nice hotel for the night afterwards.

If your family is small and you all get on you could even make a good weekend out of it. My family member booked a massive lodge for 12 in Scotland with snooker table and hit tub. We all went for the weekend. Had ceremony nearby, back for drinks there as it was huge and like a hall, then meal in their restaurant. It was lovely all being together and still way cheaper than a proper wedding