How to reach a compromise? Re:Wedding

[cloudybreeks]

I'm best friend of the bride and we wrote this together on my account.

Bride is British and family lives between the UK and France and groom is Indian and family lives in India. Bride and Groom live in the UK.

Bride is happy to elope but preference is to have a small intimate wedding (£5k max) and groom wants a big Indian wedding. Groom's family will expect a big wedding as it is a part of his culture and they have saved up for it (£65k). The Indian parents expected this to be half the budget and expected the brides family to contribute the other half (usually the brides parents pay the whole cost but they are fairly liberal). They are now understanding that brides parents cannot do this and the culture is different and want to save up more now to try and up the budget. The groom cannot emphasize enough that it is so important to his culture to have a big wedding. It represents his family's status and the budget cannot be scrimped on.

The couple decide to compromise and have an intimate British wedding first with 15 people then a big Indian wedding party after as Grooms parents are willing to pay for the Indian wedding (£65k).

No plans have yet been made.

Here are the two points of contention.

1. Groom has found out new information and doesn't want his parents to pay for the Indian wedding and would rather pay for it himself. The family business isn't doing too well and groom feels that his family really need this money and will struggle without it. From the outset it looks like the grooms family are in a bad financial position but still want to spend this amount on the wedding. Groom says that he cannot accept the money knowing it may affect his family badly and wants to self fund it. Bride is horrified at the thought of paying £70k in total for a wedding and a big part of wanting a small or no wedding was not wanting to spend money or have a big performance. The couple have lived frugally for years to save enough money that they can buy a family home. They now have about £110k in savings, which the groom claims is enough for both a wedding and a family home. (They own a one bed so the extra money will upscale). The bride just doesn't want to spend that money on the wedding.
2. The Groom's parents are very easy going about most things but the 4 Indian grandparents are strict and old fashioned and would not understand liberal British culture. The Groom has said that if they come to the British wedding there are certain things that would offend the grandparents such as if younger people drank alcohol. The groom has warned the grandparents may create a scene if they feel disrespected and has recommended that they are not invited. The bride absolutely wants her two surviving grandparents to come to the intimate wedding and it would cause deep regret and upset if they didn't come. The grooms parents (who are easy going and would only do this if it was a hill to die on )said that it is not fair to have one family grandparents come and not the other and that they should all be invited or none. Apparently there is a lot of culture meaning that the bride just couldn't understand and the parents said it would be too controversial for them to come unless the invites were sent fairly and they would have to pull themselves out the small wedding. The groom would feel very sad having an intimate wedding without his family there as this would be the main wedding ceremony. The bride doesn't feel theres any point in having a small wedding if it's just her side of the family and the magic for her was having the most important people in both their lives there for one day.

They get on well and this is the only cultural difference and they were aware that it would be an issue when they got together years back. They both agree it's not a deal breaker and their love is the most important.

How do they come to a compromise on this?

Ouch that is hard, I don't think it's fair that the gparents could dictate others behaviour at all and say do it our way or we.wont come, and if we choose not to come that means your gparents cant come either!. Or that money saved for a house would be spent on basically a party.

This is the only cultural difference so far.
I cannot see this going well in the long term. That's a huge amount of cultural baggage. They either stand up to both families and say sorry, this is our wedding and our marriage, and this is how it's going to be done, or they don't. And as for one partner wanting to spend almost nothing and the other £65 grand, well - that's a big gulf of opinion. What happens when that gulf is about, for instance, educating the children?

Elope . . .

Wow that is so tough. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable spending that money.

Is a medium Indian wedding an option? If his parents are liberal maybe they could discuss the absolute important must haves in an Indian wedding as a starting point if the bride is happy to elope?

I did attend many years ago an English/Indian wedding, they did the traditional English wedding ceremony and then the reception the bride changed into traditional Indian clothing which was absolutely lovely, like a warm welcoming to their culture. Could that be an option?

To what extent will these same cultural expectations weigh on the couple after the wedding?

Just don’t get married?
Seriously wedding planning is a couple’s first taste of enforcing their boundaries eith their elder relatives and will set the tone for the marriage. There are some huge complications here that will only get harder to navigate with the addition of kids, decisions over parents’ elderly care etc.
Maybe this is the rare exception where not getting married would be best.

Elope with two random witnesses, honeymoon in India where they can also see all the groom's family (not the whole time obviously!) and then a party for UK friends and family on their return?

The cost of Indian weddings is insane. My friend's wedding was a 3 day affair that cost 200k and she hated it because she would have rather used it for a house. I would not agree to using my savings for a wedding.

Have the small intimate wedding in U.K. Insist Bride’s parents GPs and Groom’s parents come to this. Plus friends. With catering and booze as the couple deem appropriate.

Honeymoon in India and have a traditional Indian wedding whilst there with all the Indian family - it will be much cheaper.

B and G need to agree a wedding fund that is reasonable and that doesn’t compromise their life plans. G cannot unilaterally decide his culture takes precedence and spend couple savings on a celebration that the B deems unnecessary.

the alternative is to not get married. And if they can’t agree on this, that is definitely the best option.

If the groom's family want a big expensive wedding that the couple getting married don't really want then they pay for it, end of discussion. If my fiancé wanted to use our house deposit for it there wouldn't be a bloody wedding at all Tbh.

They can't pay for the Indian one themselves. Sadly his parents will have to live within their means and tell friends he has married in his bride's county.

I have to agree with this.

I think it's a lot to ask of the bride to participate in a wedding that she doesn't want, in a country she doesn't live in, with loads of people she doesn't know, which will spend most of their savings.

My compromise would be an Indian wedding in the UK - would this be possible? Just by distance that would rule out hundreds of guests surely?

The thing is - weddings are only important because they symbolise the start of a marriage.

If B & G disagree so hugely on what the wedding should be, where, at what cost, with whom - if they can't communicate and find common ground and put all the cultural baggage aside and make each other the most important thing - then the marriage is unlikely to go well.

G should be approaching the whole thing asking "how can I navigate all the cultural and family expectations in the way that MAKES MY FUTURE WIFE HAPPIEST?"

And B should be asking herself the same question.

It doesn't sound good, honestly.

Have an intimate day wedding with an early ceremony and then lunch. Limit alcohol if needed. Have a separate evening part without grandparents, possibly inviting some other friends to this. Visit India at some point afterwards.

My friends did similar. A day wedding for 30 but no evening and then went to India 3 weeks later. Covid helped them out, as they used it as part of the reason for not having a big wedding.

I think here you are going to get responses that are leaning more towards the English way, based on the people using MN.

They get on well and this is the only cultural difference and they were aware that it would be an issue when they got together years back. They both agree it's not a deal breaker and their love is the most important. then I think its up to them to work through it and compromise in a way that makes them both happy. If they can't do that between themselves then they don't get married. They say it is not a deal breaker so someone has to comprise here. Up to them who.

I sympathise with both hugely.

But it seems as though it is only the bride who is being asked to compromise. And it's going to cost 65k to do so.

thank you for all your responses.

The B and G have been together for 10 years and get on so well and are so happy. So for those saying it won't work, it absolutely will. They both have big personalities and almost never argue.

The main difficulty is the challenge in understanding the Indian culture. The groom and all mutual Indian friends say that a wedding is not just a wedding in India, its a celebration of the family, a representation of status, and an investment that could lead to potential business opportunity. So while the bride would be happy to elope, it would be embarrassing, disappointing and an enormous deal for the grooms family.

@MichelleScarn the bride doesn't want the Indian grandparents at the small wedding. Although it may seem mean, it would ruin it for her as she would have to wear clothes she doesn't want to wear (no cleavage or shoulders on show), act in a way she doesn't want to act (submissive), no alcohol, fun dancing, inappropriate wedding speeches etc. She would rather elope. The groom agrees with this. It's the parents that are saying if that grandparents aren't invited they won't be able to come because it would be seen to be incredibly disrespectful to the family if one set are invited and not the other.

@puddleduck234 this is potentially an option. The hard part is the grooms family consider themselves high status and have that expectation to be met. They would not want to be seen to be scrimping on anything and there would be a very long guest list. When they found out the brides family didn't have the budget to match theirs they were very disappointed and wanted to save more to up the budget. Even if the bride and groom somehow managed to agree with the parents on a smaller budget, realistically the larger budget would be spent because the grooms family wouldn't be willing to compromise on the quality or the quantity. The groom is considering accepting half the cash saved for his wedding from his parents and put in £35k from their own funds. The bride is unhappy saying she would have to pay an enormous amount for a wedding she doesn't want.

@DogInATent they wouldn't really because the bride and the groom agree on everything else e.g. education, parenting techniques, number of kids etc. The wedding is the only thing they disagreed on.

@PeekabooAtTheZoo sadly if the groom had a child out of wedlock the child would not be accepted by the extended family

@MintChocCornetto this may have to be the case but it would be a lose lose situation. The bride would rather elope than have an Indian wedding in the UK where she couldn't drink or wear what she wants. The groom wouldn't have the big wedding he always imagined, and the grooms family won't be able to make business connections, show off their family and status. The main benefit to this suggestion is that it is the least drama way of ticking this enormous cultural box.

They need to just marry in secret with a best friend each, or do a civil ceremony with two friends,

Then tell the wider grooma family they aren't marrying at all.

Alternatively - groom says to all his family "we are doing X" and no family is coming at all as you are making it too hard.

While the bride agrees with most comments, she also wants to emphasize the culture difference. It would be really interesting to see the responses if this was posted on an Indian version of mumsnet. In his family not having a big wedding is just not an option. A bride and groom going off and just making their own decisions isn't an option. The bride and groom traditionally don't have a lot of say, it's their parents who do the decision making. It's really hard to get balanced opinion as many people don't understand the cultural significance of a wedding. Are there any Indian people on here that could give their opinion? Or those who have had or been to multicultural weddings?

I will also say that although this big wedding thing is common in Indian families, it's by no means all. The pressure is cultural but it's different across Indian society. The G's family are choosing to buy into it. Not everyone does, my PIL (Punjabi) didn't - they just gave us some money and left us to get on with it. The fact G&B live in the UK should be leveraged as much as possible. It's a ridiculous expectation to put on a couple who live in a different country to PIL.

I’m married but in these circumstances I think I would not marry or do it in utter 100% secrecy.
there’s no compromise here that will work. Better to just say they’re not marrying and accept the consequences of that (I know that will not be easy either).

If this were my child, I would advise them to forget both cultures and both sides and think about what they want for their wedding as individuals. Family on both sides can deal if their expectations aren't met. Traditions can change. They can set their own. I'm not sure how practical that advice is, but it is how I come it it from my own perspective.

I know a lot of Indian / non Indian couples and the wedding has always been the biggest compromise for both. Everything else has generally seemed to fall into place afterwards. One of my own children is dating someone of Indian origin (with a lot of Indian family) and they are far too young to think about marriage but I would definitely hope that they could compromise well if it comes to it.
I don't think you should listen to everyone doom-mongering about the relationship just based on what you have written.

I would say the best compromises are:

1. spending a little more than the bride would ideally want to but nowhere near what the groom wants - say £10k instead of 5.
2. having a slightly bigger wedding in the UK but with some of the cultural aspects that he and his family would like
3. restrict alcohol at the meal - having Indian food would help here and there could always be no alcohol beer or wine if they really wanted
4. if they want to, tell grandparents that there will be a younger party with alcohol starting at X pm and they are welcome to leave before that
5. consider a honeymoon in India to meet some more of the relatives if the bride has not done so before.
6. consider finding a mutual friend/acquaintance of the parents' generation who is of Indian origin living in the UK who can reassure the parents that huge weddings are no longer a cultural norm in the UK. Or the groom telling them he does not want it and not making it sound like it's the bride's fault.

Sensible red lines would be:

1. if the people who want a huge wedding can't afford it (and the groom sounds very appropriately caring about his parents) then it doesn't happen. Savings for a house are an investment for the future. A huge wedding party is literally just that - and it's a complete waste of money.
2. a fixed amount spent which is a tiny tiny proportion of what the groom is currently thinking

He absolutely has to compromise or find someone else to marry. He's asking too much. "Cultural significance" fine but he wants to spend the majority of their joint savings on something to keep his parents happy...!

1. Absolutely no way should they be spending £70k on the wedding. The bride needs to put her foot down here.
2. Could they compromise by inviting the grandparents but not serving alcohol?

Sounds like a massive ballache. She should find someone who has less entrenched views on traditional culture. Why does his culture trump hers? Does she want a whole life based on this tiptoeing around?