How to reach a compromise? Re:Wedding

[cloudybreeks]

I'm best friend of the bride and we wrote this together on my account.

Bride is British and family lives between the UK and France and groom is Indian and family lives in India. Bride and Groom live in the UK.

Bride is happy to elope but preference is to have a small intimate wedding (£5k max) and groom wants a big Indian wedding. Groom's family will expect a big wedding as it is a part of his culture and they have saved up for it (£65k). The Indian parents expected this to be half the budget and expected the brides family to contribute the other half (usually the brides parents pay the whole cost but they are fairly liberal). They are now understanding that brides parents cannot do this and the culture is different and want to save up more now to try and up the budget. The groom cannot emphasize enough that it is so important to his culture to have a big wedding. It represents his family's status and the budget cannot be scrimped on.

The couple decide to compromise and have an intimate British wedding first with 15 people then a big Indian wedding party after as Grooms parents are willing to pay for the Indian wedding (£65k).

No plans have yet been made.

Here are the two points of contention.

1. Groom has found out new information and doesn't want his parents to pay for the Indian wedding and would rather pay for it himself. The family business isn't doing too well and groom feels that his family really need this money and will struggle without it. From the outset it looks like the grooms family are in a bad financial position but still want to spend this amount on the wedding. Groom says that he cannot accept the money knowing it may affect his family badly and wants to self fund it. Bride is horrified at the thought of paying £70k in total for a wedding and a big part of wanting a small or no wedding was not wanting to spend money or have a big performance. The couple have lived frugally for years to save enough money that they can buy a family home. They now have about £110k in savings, which the groom claims is enough for both a wedding and a family home. (They own a one bed so the extra money will upscale). The bride just doesn't want to spend that money on the wedding.
2. The Groom's parents are very easy going about most things but the 4 Indian grandparents are strict and old fashioned and would not understand liberal British culture. The Groom has said that if they come to the British wedding there are certain things that would offend the grandparents such as if younger people drank alcohol. The groom has warned the grandparents may create a scene if they feel disrespected and has recommended that they are not invited. The bride absolutely wants her two surviving grandparents to come to the intimate wedding and it would cause deep regret and upset if they didn't come. The grooms parents (who are easy going and would only do this if it was a hill to die on )said that it is not fair to have one family grandparents come and not the other and that they should all be invited or none. Apparently there is a lot of culture meaning that the bride just couldn't understand and the parents said it would be too controversial for them to come unless the invites were sent fairly and they would have to pull themselves out the small wedding. The groom would feel very sad having an intimate wedding without his family there as this would be the main wedding ceremony. The bride doesn't feel theres any point in having a small wedding if it's just her side of the family and the magic for her was having the most important people in both their lives there for one day.

They get on well and this is the only cultural difference and they were aware that it would be an issue when they got together years back. They both agree it's not a deal breaker and their love is the most important.

How do they come to a compromise on this?

They could have a small /modestwedding in UK/France with her family/GP's and lose friends.

Then go to India for a full-culture ceremony with GP's; paid by his parents, only limited by how much HIS PARENTS choose to spend.

I've just tried to read the salient points all over again. It seems to me there are too many immovables.
a) The groom wants the big wedding.
b) The groom doesn't want his family to pay for it because he's worried about their finances.
c) The bride really doesn't want to spend all that money on a wedding.
d) The parents (and the groom?) are horrified at the thought of upsetting the grandparents, who cannot be imagined to move on anything at all.

I mean really just with that lot where's the room for compromise? I can't see it at all.

I know I’ve said it before, but I just feel the need to repeat, please make sure the bride has full access to all joint savings, and that they can’t be depleted without her authorisation.

She may be madly in love, they may have been together for decades, he may be the kindest soul you’ve ever met. He will assist his parents financially and still consider all of that to be true.

I'm of Indian background and honestly, like with any culture, stuff the traditions that are wasteful.
That money could go towards a house. It's insane to waste it on one day.
If the parents are struggling financially, they need to keep it.
Don't waste money on one day.

Bride, please read this again, out loud, slowly:

The family would see this wedding as an investment leading to potential business relationships. The groom is concerned that the family may be relying on this wedding for business relationships and that even if the parents spend this money on the wedding, the investment may not show a lucrative return.

THIS IS NOT THE BRIDE OR GROOM'S PROBLEM.

THE GROOM'S PARENTS DON'T HAVE THE COUPLE'S BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. THEY WANT THIS DAY FOR THEIR OWN SELFISH REASONS.

Neither B not G should agree to spend £30K on a bad investment for a family that doesn't value them or care about their wishes - that's madness!

If the groom wants to loan his parent's £20K to get them over their business hump that's between him and his parents. He's being a bad partner by making his family's possible business problems more important than his wedding, more important than buying a home with his future wife.

I honestly would be worried for the bride if she goes ahead with this wedding.

But they’re not in India and they’re a mixed race couple. So the family will have to evolve. Their children may not be brought up according to indian tradition either. If the groom cannot understand that he has chosen to step away from tradition in his choice of partner, and therefore is stepping away slightly from the obligation to have everything indian at the wedding, then perhaps he’s marrying the wrong person. He needs to stand up more. He won’t let his family get into debt, but will risk all his and his fiancé’s savings. That would rile me.

If culture and tradition are so important OP you had better also get saving for your own children's weddings. Especially if you have daughters.

The bride would have to be very naïve to think the wedding would be the extent of his family's interference. That is just the beginning.

They have dated for almost 10 years. The groom us very untraditional in many senses. He really wants a big wedding himself. It is also really important for his family and culture.

Groom wants bride to compromise on budget.

Bride says she can compromise on budget by doubling it to £10k or even £15k but doesn't want to do this for a wedding she would dread going to.

It’s amazing how many men are untraditional in their culture and value when it comes to premarital sex, alcohol, partying, dating outside of their culture and religion etc, who all of a sudden care greatly when it comes to finances, weddings, children etc.

I think we all just pick and choose really

Yes you're right. And it really, really looks like he's choosing pleasing his parents and grandparents over his wife-to-be. So take the cultural differences out of it, and ask her if that's what she wants, and if she thinks it'll change?

@cloudybreeks ”The groom and all mutual Indian friends say that a wedding is not just a wedding in India, its a celebration of the family, a representation of status”

But they don’t have any money? So it is a fake celebration of status. It’s like when people get into debt buying cars they can’t afford just to show off and look rich, whilst making themselves poorer.

The point about this wedding being an investment in future business transactions makes no sense in the context of an international marriage - they cannot ask another family or their son / daughter in law to invest in their future business of which they are not an active part, without full disclosure on all aspects of the business and an understanding on how this investment will be repaid.

This^

Would be a great plan BUT the groom WANTS the big wedding.
He's NOT on his wife-to-be's side, he's more with the family. That's the problem.

The groom needs a kick up the arse to remind who he's marrying. Is it the bride or his family? If he wakes up and sees the error of his ways, use some of the savings to head off to Las Vegas for an Elvis wedding without any demanding relatives.

Assuming the bride contributed to the couples savings, the groom has no right to try and pressure her into spending large amounts of money on an occasion she doesn’t want.

The grooms family can have the wedding the want if they pay for it. The groom can have the wedding he wants as long as he doesn’t expect his wife to to pay any more than she is comfortable with. Her compromise is to do the big wedding in front of people she barely knows.

Then if the grooms family are getting their way with the Indian wedding, then they don’t get to start dictating who goes to the small wedding. The brides grandparents get an invitation because they will be happy and add positivity to the the event, the grooms grandparents don’t get an invitation because they will add problems.

AMEN

This, I'm afraid.

The couple may have been dating for ten years and think they know each other very well and that there is just this one area where they have a difference of opinion and are looking for a compromise.

Another way to look at it, is that this is the first point at which they have experienced the clash of their cultures.

This is the moment when the groom can make a stand and show his family what it means that he is 'marrying out'. Instead he too would like to have the big status symbol wedding.

Is he fooling himself or just his wife about the circumstances in which would be expected to provide business opportunities (at the big wedding) and more direct financial support for his family ?

Their expectations will not be confined to the wedding. That will just be the start, they will extend to any children of the marriage. Parenting of those children will be part and parcel.

It will get more and more complicated. Sorry. I don't think the groom is quite as ready to abandon his culture as the bride maybe assumes.

It concerns me that the groom seems to want to please his parents and grandparents over his wife to be. The groom doesn't expect his parents or grandparents to adjust their expectations at all, his wife to be has to do all the adjusting. I'd be concerned this doesn't bode well for the future. Regardless of what they've agreed in advance, what will the expectations be in the future that are all so important for the bride to understand and concede to?

They need to talk more about finances. What does it mean in practice? Say the bride goes up to 15k fro the wedding, and in a year when they have just put in an offer on a house, the grooms family comes to them and says actually we are in dire straits and need help <subtext you didn’t have a proper wedding so that’s why we failed to get out of this mess>, we really need 50k from you. What does that mean? Does the groom hand over the rest of their deposit because ‘they agreed’? I’d say fuck no but some people would argue that, but what they really think is they and their family matter and their wife and her family doesn’t. These people never think ‘we agreed’ means that handing over the savings when it goes the other way. And it’s wrong anyway to look at it the other way as the reasonable partner would never ask for the life savings for their family, because it’s not fair or reasonable.
Ditto vowing to love someone. You get manipulative people saying if you loved me you’d move to Timbuktu giving up all chance of a career and all your family support since I don’t do any parenting but IF YOU LOVED ME. Etc. You need to go into the details of what these words mean when it comes down to actions.