How to reach a compromise? Re:Wedding

[cloudybreeks]

I'm best friend of the bride and we wrote this together on my account.

Bride is British and family lives between the UK and France and groom is Indian and family lives in India. Bride and Groom live in the UK.

Bride is happy to elope but preference is to have a small intimate wedding (£5k max) and groom wants a big Indian wedding. Groom's family will expect a big wedding as it is a part of his culture and they have saved up for it (£65k). The Indian parents expected this to be half the budget and expected the brides family to contribute the other half (usually the brides parents pay the whole cost but they are fairly liberal). They are now understanding that brides parents cannot do this and the culture is different and want to save up more now to try and up the budget. The groom cannot emphasize enough that it is so important to his culture to have a big wedding. It represents his family's status and the budget cannot be scrimped on.

The couple decide to compromise and have an intimate British wedding first with 15 people then a big Indian wedding party after as Grooms parents are willing to pay for the Indian wedding (£65k).

No plans have yet been made.

Here are the two points of contention.

1. Groom has found out new information and doesn't want his parents to pay for the Indian wedding and would rather pay for it himself. The family business isn't doing too well and groom feels that his family really need this money and will struggle without it. From the outset it looks like the grooms family are in a bad financial position but still want to spend this amount on the wedding. Groom says that he cannot accept the money knowing it may affect his family badly and wants to self fund it. Bride is horrified at the thought of paying £70k in total for a wedding and a big part of wanting a small or no wedding was not wanting to spend money or have a big performance. The couple have lived frugally for years to save enough money that they can buy a family home. They now have about £110k in savings, which the groom claims is enough for both a wedding and a family home. (They own a one bed so the extra money will upscale). The bride just doesn't want to spend that money on the wedding.
2. The Groom's parents are very easy going about most things but the 4 Indian grandparents are strict and old fashioned and would not understand liberal British culture. The Groom has said that if they come to the British wedding there are certain things that would offend the grandparents such as if younger people drank alcohol. The groom has warned the grandparents may create a scene if they feel disrespected and has recommended that they are not invited. The bride absolutely wants her two surviving grandparents to come to the intimate wedding and it would cause deep regret and upset if they didn't come. The grooms parents (who are easy going and would only do this if it was a hill to die on )said that it is not fair to have one family grandparents come and not the other and that they should all be invited or none. Apparently there is a lot of culture meaning that the bride just couldn't understand and the parents said it would be too controversial for them to come unless the invites were sent fairly and they would have to pull themselves out the small wedding. The groom would feel very sad having an intimate wedding without his family there as this would be the main wedding ceremony. The bride doesn't feel theres any point in having a small wedding if it's just her side of the family and the magic for her was having the most important people in both their lives there for one day.

They get on well and this is the only cultural difference and they were aware that it would be an issue when they got together years back. They both agree it's not a deal breaker and their love is the most important.

How do they come to a compromise on this?

I work in a large manor house. We've done Indian Weddings before. There are plenty of rooms. And- because we are not in London, it's half the price. (beautiful rural area)

B&G hire the whole manor house. Wow factor-yes. Rooms- yes, so no need for extra hotels.

Drive up the long drive and say, this is all ours for 48 hours- that's pretty impressive for the families involved. (No, I'm not on a commission!)

Some guests have brought their own caterers to ensure food is from their culture.

The problem with this thread is that it will always be one sided towards the bride. But it is also the grooms wedding too and a big wedding is important to him. I do think the bride needs to compromise too and look at spending more than 5-10k.

Does the groom have his own savings to pay for his side?

Remember the marriage is the important part here. It sounds like neither bride or groom will get the wedding they want as the ideas as so far apart. The parents have saved that money specifically for a wedding, so if they want to spend that on Indian customs let them. It's their money to do as they wish.

It seems that the grooms culture trumps the brides though?

For instance, no alcohol at a wedding because grandparents will be there? She needs to dress differently in front of them? This seems overstepping 'culture' to me and more like dictating.

I wouldn't be doing those things.

There's no way I'd spend 65k on a wedding

Can they have 2 smaller weddings, one for his family and one for her family. But by small I mean a ceremony, a meal and a party. That way they could tailor it to each taste. Alcohol at the UK one, disco etc and a more traditional, all be it very small in comparison, Indian style wedding, but have the parents at both. Up the budget to 5k each and only spend 10k in total.

I think in this financial environment anyone spending 65k on a wedding is bonkers, unless they have money to burn, which it sounds like neither have

That's not the impression I have to be honest. I think there are a lot of important things he wants on his side yes, and he needs to really pick out the important parts which I suggested in a PP.

5-10k can be an amazing small wedding (I did this myself and know it can be done) but the expectation won't meet his at all on this budget.

The bride will also need to be clear what parts of the wedding are important to her, to meet somewhere in the middle, for example having grandparents there to her is important, but to have all the grandparents there alcohol must be the compromise.

He wants an Indian reception with lots of people, the comprise would be an English ceremony with fewer guests.

I think this can be done, but there needs to be flexibility on both sides. The other option is to say have a wedding in 2-3 years and save/side hustle to get that budget up without compromising the future family home.

This seems fairly straightforward to me. The groom's parents ( and/or) grandparents want a traditional Indian wedding. They are willing to pay. They are in a precarious financial situation. It is their choice to still pay for the wedding. They want it? They pay for it. The Groom just has to accept that there is a problem with ALL the 'solutions' so he has to accept that the people forcing the traditional wedding paying regardless of their finances is the least 'unfair'. No to brides GP not attending because Groom GP won't attend. No to B&G spending hard earned money they need for a house.

Re the grandparents and alcohol are they saying its only a certain group of the wedding party they'd have issues with having alcohol? there are certain things that would offend the grandparents such as if younger people drank alcohol. because that I'd dictatorial if they would 'allow' older guests to!

Totally understand the Indian wedding / status thing. BUT he is marrying an English girl and lives in England. Indians know that their weddings are different to English weddings, and also that it is traditional for the bride’s family to lead on wedding organisation. Plenty of Indians get married in England!! I’d suggest they have a full on (but small guest list) traditional white wedding in an English castle like Hever / Leeds Castle, and send a few posh photos of that to the groom’s extended family/friends in India, with a caption saying roughly that as the bride is English the couple chose a traditional English wedding.

I also would not be dictated to by the groom’s mother. Another ‘traditional’ and ‘cultural’ part of Indian marriages is that the new bride does whatever the groom’s mother wants. I strongly suggest that the bride makes clear now that hers is not a traditional Indian marriage.

Honestly I’d be very very cautious about marrying a man who suggested spending £65k of our new family finances on a traditional thing to make his parents happy. What other traditions is he going to demand his wife comply with? Letting his mum decide how the children are educated? Religion? Sending huge chunks of family money to his parents, forever?

The only sensible solution is to just marry with no wedding. Both bride and groom have an equal compromise that way.

It might be disappointing but it will save months of arguing. Not to mention £65K. Once it’s done it’s up to the families to get over it.

I wouldn't get married. Unless the groom realises that his customs don't overrule the bride's wishes then it's not going to work out.

@cloudybreeks As an Indian person let me tell you this - you must be crazy to spend such a huge amount on a wedding, any wedding!! I grew up in India so have been to hundreds of weddings, and it’s certainly not the norm to have big splashy weddings. Mine was a wedding in a temple that lasted 15 minutes. Certain business owner families tend to show their wealth through weddings, as they invite business associates and show how well their business is doing, but that’s a small subsegment of people rather than ‘Indian weddings’. In fact, most youngsters are choosing to have non-flashy, simple weddings nowadays. Stick to your guns and save your money for property/future children. Do not use the gold either. The more you compromise now, the more the expectations will be after the wedding - so draw that line now!

As to the grandparents, invite them and let them deal with it. India is one of the world’s biggest alcohol consumers, am sure they know young people drink!

I would have been all for the idea of small UK wedding as per brides wishes and finances by her, Groom’s family organise and finance the wedding that they want, possibly in India. They are in a precarious financial situation but it is their choice to spend the money if they really want to. HOWEVER, I would be slightly concerned that B&G would just be forced to pull them out of a financial hole further down the line because of duty. Possibly some of this could be helped by using the gold they were given on the quiet but this would still be a concern.

The bride and groom both have an agreement that if either family ever needed financial help they would step in to provide a loan to help their family get back on their feet. The concern with the groom is that he really doesn't know a lot about his families financial hardship and that fact he has any inkling of one just shows that it could be very bad. The family would see this wedding as an investment leading to potential business relationships. The groom is concerned that the family may be relying on this wedding for business relationships and that even if the parents spend this money on the wedding, the investment may not show a lucrative return.

The groom has a new suggestions which is the parents pay £35k and the couple £30k but the bride does not want to spend this money on a wedding she doesn't event want.

What is a good financial compromise for the bride to make?

This was my brother and sister-in-law's compromise. Her family wanted a huge traditional wedding but they didn't. They agreed to go to India and have a large but not huge wedding there instead of bringing everyone to the UK.

In the end they had a small wedding with about twenty guests in the UK as Covid happened 😂 Not going to lie, I was kinda sad that I wouldn't get to go to India again 😅

It is an option, just one that they won’t like.
I live in an area where there are quite a few people from India and Pakistan, we have friends from those cultures and have been to weddings. Amongst the younger generations now there is a push back against spending the equivalent of a house on a wedding and things like hiring super cars etc.
The couple CAN do this, what they CANT do is do what his parents want and for The Bride to be happy about her wedding day. It sounds like she and her family are the only ones being asked to compromise

But you see this is why it's such a massive clash of cultures because as a westerner, while I can see that this is what an Indian wedding is like, to me it's insane. I'm not choosing that word lightly, I mean insane. So if the bride actually cannot contemplate spending even the £30 grand on a wedding, she is actually rejecting the whole edifice of the cultural expectations of this particular family. And her husband-to-be is not rejecting them, he wants her to meet him half way (and half way keeps shifting according to how the parameters are being drawn). To me these are already irreconcilable differences.
And I come back to - what are these differences going to be when it's about how the children are brought up?

Can the bride and groom offer to pay half for the big wedding to help the family out while still retaining both wedding options and enough to buy?

Not get married.

The more your explain the less I like the sound of the groom's family.

An expectation to give loans to family?

If their business is doing as poorly as suspected they could hand over their whole savings for no return. And no family would give money in the expectation that it would be paid back. That's total nonsense. You give family money that's it, you never see it again. It must be given willingly and an amount you can manage without. A loan arrangement between family - especially parents as entitled as his - is a recipe for penury and resentment. The idea of a loan is just to make it sound palatable to his bride - never in a million years would they get that money back.

Bride is horrified at the thought of paying £70k in total for a wedding

Yep, this would not be happening. Elope.

@MintChocCornetto there is no expectation of the bride and groom to give money back to the family but the bride and groom have discussed what they would do if family needed financial assistance and they both agreed. The Indian parents may not even accept a loan and wouldn't asked unless absolutely desperate. It also goes both ways, the brides family would be supported in the same way in the event of a financial crisis. Both families are responsible with money.

But the Indian families business may be in trouble and the couple know nothing of its status

Both families are responsible with money. to my ears that is not the case with the groom's family, cultural differences notwithstanding.

it's true they don't. The other point to mention is one set of Indian grandparents have money. B and G don't know how much or the willingness to step in but they funded all grandchildren to study abroad. This was something they saved up for a very long time.

Could the B & G do the kind of wedding they want here in the UK then travel to India and have a reception (possibly also the religious ceremony it B&G agree) to how grooms family want. Its utter BS that they want to throw a show off lavish wedding but as said its a status thing. The bride could wear a bra top outfit if she wants and none of the grandparents would bat an eyelid as its the norm to wear outfits like that in india

Unless the groom is willing to support his wife

(not paying for the massive wedding, not making her adhere to strict rules for his grandparents, etc)

then this is the FIRST cultural clash, but there will be many more.

I wouldn’t marry someone who was still so entrenched in a culture that it causes problems in our relationship, when we both live in another country etc