Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

AIBU to expect an invite to DP Best Friends Wedding?

106 replies

PIB20 · 28/08/2022 13:21

DP best friend is getting married soon. I have been told by them that i am not invited to the wedding as they cannot 'afford' to invite me. They live in their parents annex, dont have any outgoings and he spends all his money on gaming paraphernalia. Now, by no means am i saying they have to invite me and spend the money on me, however its the fact after all these years i am not also considered a friend, which quite frankly has hurt. We go out with them, have bbq's with them, his soon to be wife is the godmother of my child etc.

But when handing out the invites told me i am not invited, because, if he invited me he would have to invite all of his friends 'girlfriends' which he hasnt done. His other friends are either in new relationships or not serious ones. Me and my DP are engaged (would be married but delayed due to covid), been together years, have a mortgage and a son.

We see them quite often and i spend one evening a week with his wife to be. Aibu to think that this is strange behaviour? I then got told 'i can pop into the evening party if i want to, but dont bring DC' (who is one and still BF as wont take a bottle).

My DP agrees and has said he finds it strange and doesnt really want to go without me. I've told him he should go as its his friends wedding and its their choice who they invite but i cant help but feel hurt and unappreciated as an individual. (The wedding is about half an hour away)

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 28/08/2022 15:25

PIB20 · 28/08/2022 15:12

@Crimeismymiddlename the bride is from another country. He basically planned the wedding and the guest list before she moved here a few months ago. Obviously ive met her previously when she has been to the UK to see him. Ive spent quite a bit of time with her the past few months. The Godmother situation is a whole different ball game. We had asked him to be godfather, instead of saying he didnt want to because he wasnt religious and didnt feel comfortable with it, he had asked her to take the role from him. Me being me, went along with it because i quite like her and didnt want to sound horrible if i said i didnt want her to be (we had other godparents too which are family) plus this all happened two days before the Christening!

It sounds like he is the weird one, he can't delegate his godfather duties to his girlfriend! He has an odd way of looking at the world I think. You are stuck with that now, but I'd cut back on inviting them round to yours. And if you see them and they mention the wedding I'd ask them not to discuss it in front of you as you find it upsetting (whilst of course you respect it is their choice)

SequinsandStilettos · 28/08/2022 15:30

Clearly she does not want your baby there, but rather than admit that (because you are ebf so it is practically impossible/unreasonable to expect you to not to) she is using £ as a reason/cop out. I'd be hurt, too, not because their goddaughter was the second bloody coming, but because I could be trusted for them not to make a sound.
The godfather thing weird too, pulling out at a fortnight's notice. The couple are well matched, as clearly, neither can communicate directly.

Original poster
PIB20 · 28/08/2022 15:33

I know its their wedding day and im happy for them, i really am. Its just ashame they dont value me as much as i do them. I guess it came as a bit of a shock to be honest.

Just to clarify. We have known about the wedding for months but DP was only handed the paper invite last week (wedding is in two weeks) but it didnt have details on it (names/times etc) so DP messaged him the other day after realising to clarify them and was told DC isnt invited to the day or evening. Its a midweek wedding and my family all work in the week so childcare will be difficult to find. There was no mention of children not being invited to the reception prior to this 🙄. It 100% their choice to not have children at the wedding and i respect that but if DP didnt clarify with them we still wouldnt know. What if i had turned up on the evening DC in tow? Id be the talk of the wedding.

I just think ill take a step back from now on and left DP decide what he wants to do. Thanks MNetters for all your advice and making me feel like i am justified in being upset.

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 28/08/2022 15:33

Why not get DP to suggest he delegates his wedding attending duties to his fiancee and he stays home with the baby and you go to the wedding.....

Triffid1 · 28/08/2022 15:36

Reading your last post, I find myself thinking, "this is why old fashioned etiquette wasn't all bad" because with all due respect, why are you only getting the "official" invite 2 weeks before? FFS. Formal invitations - whether old fashioned paper ones in the post or online versions sent from a card service or even just an "official" email, at least 6 weeks before a wedding, in which the exact details of who is expected, dress code, timings etc are included is really very useful.

RedRec · 28/08/2022 15:39

That is weird and thoughtless, OP. You are quite right to feel put out.
But the 'friend' delegating his Godparent role to his partner at the last minute is a whole other level of weird.
Hope your partner goes through with having nothing to do with this shit show, to back you up.

MichelleScarn · 28/08/2022 15:46

We have known about the wedding for months but DP was only handed the paper invite last week (wedding is in two weeks) but it didnt have details on it (names/times etc) so DP messaged him the other day after realising to clarify them and was told DC isnt invited to the day or evening. Its a midweek wedding and my family all work in the week so childcare will be difficult to find
So is it you and dc not invited or just dc but childcare stops you attending?

Nancydrawn · 28/08/2022 15:47

He sounds deeply undersocialized at best. He lives in his parents house, is an extreme gamer, is Very Proud of not being religious, has a girlfriend who doesn't know anyone in his home country, he doesn't develop adult relationships with his friends' partners...the whole thing feels very teenage.

Of course your husband can continue to be friends with him. But I don't think you need to go out of your way to see them.

I feel bad for his wife, frankly. But instead of being deeply hurt, I'd find the whole thing really rather pathetic and juvenile.

GrumpyPanda · 28/08/2022 15:55

NyanBinaryJohn · 28/08/2022 13:49

We go out with them, have bbq's with them, his soon to be wife is the godmother of my child etc.

But when handing out the invites told me i am not invited, because, if he invited me he would have to invite all of his friends 'girlfriends' which he hasnt done.

In that case the godmother role should be vacant again. I hope the bride to be isn't listed in your will as the godparent/the person to look after your son should anything happen to the two of you?

How would the godmother role become vacant? Are you suggesting they get the kid un-baptised? That said, probably safe to assume there won't be much of an active relationship going forward.

Quitelikeacatslife · 28/08/2022 15:58

PIB20 · 28/08/2022 15:33

I know its their wedding day and im happy for them, i really am. Its just ashame they dont value me as much as i do them. I guess it came as a bit of a shock to be honest.

Just to clarify. We have known about the wedding for months but DP was only handed the paper invite last week (wedding is in two weeks) but it didnt have details on it (names/times etc) so DP messaged him the other day after realising to clarify them and was told DC isnt invited to the day or evening. Its a midweek wedding and my family all work in the week so childcare will be difficult to find. There was no mention of children not being invited to the reception prior to this 🙄. It 100% their choice to not have children at the wedding and i respect that but if DP didnt clarify with them we still wouldnt know. What if i had turned up on the evening DC in tow? Id be the talk of the wedding.

I just think ill take a step back from now on and left DP decide what he wants to do. Thanks MNetters for all your advice and making me feel like i am justified in being upset.

You've kind of contradicted your OP this says that DC not invited , that's different to you not being invited. I mean if you can't for childcare reasons that's up to you to sort not them .

LookItsMeAgain · 28/08/2022 15:59

If your DP was going to the wedding, even as best man or a groomsman, he should have received an invite in the post at least 6 weeks before the day. This is so that the people organising the wedding can advise the venue on numbers, on dietary requirements etc. and that the guests can book rooms to stay over that would be reserved for a time for wedding guests and then go back in to the general pool for any paying guest.

Reading your posts, he didn't get that.

If I were either you or your DP, I'd politely send a "Regrets" card and decline to attend. They've clearly decided that you're (both you and your DP) are either Tier 2 or 3 friends and not top tier after all.

Original poster
PIB20 · 28/08/2022 16:01

@Quitelikeacatslife @MichelleScarn no ive been told in no uncertain terms that i am not invited to the wedding. They said i can 'pop' in to the evening reception if i would like but no formal invitation. DC not being invited to either is just an additional thing we found out two days ago. Me going or not going has nothing to do with DC attending .

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 28/08/2022 16:04

I agree with a PP who suggested that Mummy Dearest is probably paying for all/most of it and therefore controlling the guest list. It's still rubbish, though, and I wouldn't blame you for taking a step back from the friendship. As others have suggested, a sensible compromise would be for your DH to just attend the ceremony. When you get married, perhaps you should suggest they toss a coin to decide which one gets to attend?!

Confusedpossibly · 28/08/2022 16:06

Cactuslove · 28/08/2022 14:05

I would completely pull back from them... life's too short to be treated like this.

This with bells on :)

Caroffee · 28/08/2022 16:11

I think they don't want your DC there/no children/babies at the wedding. Some people do want this kind of wedding. But instead of saying this, they haven't invited you as they know that you and baby come as a unit atm.

Upwiththelark76 · 28/08/2022 16:11

I’d be hurt as well . In fact I’d say shove your wedding.

Ladybyrd · 28/08/2022 16:13

You spend an evening a week with the bride to be? That's quite a mean thing to do. No children rules are fine, but people do need to know in advance.

I think I'd come down with something and would be so terribly poorly DP would need to stay home to look after DC. The way the information has been delivered is blunt to the point of rudeness. I think, for me, they could stick their "pop" into the night do up their arse.

And I wouldnt be doing weekly meet ups with her either.

Sorry. DP's BF is an asshat.

MichelleScarn · 28/08/2022 16:16

PIB20 · 28/08/2022 16:01

@Quitelikeacatslife @MichelleScarn no ive been told in no uncertain terms that i am not invited to the wedding. They said i can 'pop' in to the evening reception if i would like but no formal invitation. DC not being invited to either is just an additional thing we found out two days ago. Me going or not going has nothing to do with DC attending .

Then it's bonkers! I wouldn't even give them the time of day again. Is the groom worried you'll give ideas of confidence and independence to the bride? Do they work/have hobbies other than gaming?

LBFseBrom · 28/08/2022 16:17

I think their attitude is very hurtful as you know them well and are considered to be a friend. I honestly don't understand their thinking and wouldn't blame your fiance if he decided not to go to the wedding.

SunnyD44 · 28/08/2022 16:19

I was going to say YABU as it’s DPs friends and if they say he can bring a plus 1 then they’d have to do it for everyone.

But this isn’t DPs friends, these are your friends too!

I would be very hurt by this.

If I was DP I would still go as it’s his best friend but I would absolutely stop seeing the wife-to-be if she doesn’t class you as a friend.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2022 16:26

I'd stop spending any time with her and I'd expect him to decline his invitation to be honest.

I do wonder if his moms dictated the guest list and said only wives, no girlfriends

damnyourdogs · 28/08/2022 16:35

I've been there as well...they attended our wedding a year earlier, he was our best man...not only weren't we invited to theirs, we weren't even told about it or that she was pregnant until she was 6 months gone! (and then it was only by a chance conversation with a mutual friend...who also wasn't invited).

Killed the friendship of over a decade stone dead. Didn't help that when the groom finally did talk to us, all he did was tell me about how he'd spent the wedding reception talking to his parent's next door neighbour, who he barely knew...I told him that when you are already in a hole, you stop digging...

Original poster
PIB20 · 28/08/2022 16:35

@girlmom21 i believe other than inviting her friends i dont think his mom has any say to be honest. I know she hasnt paid towards the wedding and i get on quite well with his mom and im the only 'friend' that gets invites outside of DP when they have small get togethers at their home etc, which is why it has come as such a suprise.

I dont want to be nasty about it. I just didnt know how to go about the relationship between them and I, after they have made it known that they just see me as a 'plus one'. At first i found it quite insulting and thought it was some sort of joke but even the paper invite was slipped by the bride into DP hand unbeknownst to me so i couldnt question them last week makes it feel quite personal. Its silly and childish to be upset by it, i know.

OP posts:
Original poster
PIB20 · 28/08/2022 16:43

@damnyourdogs oh thats horrible! His parents next door neighbours? Thats utterly bonkers. Sounds like its their loss not yours. Im sorry this happened to you. Its not nice when you consider them friends is it?

I dont mind them not inviting DC as he is still young and i wouldnt want him to disrupt anything. But I've not been invited since they planned it but all of his moms friends and their husbands are invited so 'his mom has someone to talk to'. Its not about jealously, i guess i just valued them more than they did me. I wish them the best for their wedding day and future but i think im going to step back a little.

They keep asking us to go for days out so they arent ignoring us which is why i find it even more strange.

OP posts:
Trying20 · 28/08/2022 16:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

Swipe left for the next trending thread