What to do about narc MIL on the day

[Prunel]

I do not get on with MIL for various reasons
shes just not very nice
she is coming to our very small (20 people) wedding
I’m worried about her lashing out because she isn’t the centre of attention, either angrily or ‘jokingly’ doing something to try to degrade me to make herself feel better.

Normally when we see her she makes a lot of comments, which I’m dreading hearing all day.
Some recent examples:

-Oh you look much better now you’ve lost the weight, you were getting quite fat werent you

-(Unprovoked) maybe in the future you’ll be able to afford a better car. I’ll let you buy mine, maybe if you can afford it.

-I know you’re not really career focused, but have you considered trying to get a better job, yours is just not going anywhere. Why don’t you want to achieve things?

They’re rude but not direct insults. If politely challenged, I am being too sensitive. She was ‘only saying’ or ‘what?! is what I said not true? You were fat before!’ or ‘wow you are so difficult I just can’t say anything right can I’

Just to say, I have a decent job, an old car admittedly, and I went from a size 10 to an 8 so hardly fat. On the other hand BIL has a flashy car and she’s always telling him that he’s wasting his money and it’s embarrassing he’s so vain, and SIL has a very successful job and she’s always being told her values are wrong, why is she so grabby and money focused. So I think she is just insulting for the sake of it, it’s not genuine concern or advice.

sometimes once she gets going it can be insult after insult after insult. I’m worried she will start on my family and friends too.

Fiance has offered to talk to her before the wedding but I don’t think that will achieve anything. We don’t see her much otherwise.
i just sometimes think about it and dread the day a bit which is making me quite sad that she’s a bit of a cloud on our happy day!

should I just try to rise above it? How do I do that??

hopefully she just has a good day talking about how important she is as grooms mum but that may be wishful thinking

Poor you. No one should be worried about their big day because of someone else's behaviour.

If I was you I'd just roll my eyes and say "have you still not let this one go?" To any comments.

It doesn't invite opinion and give her anything to argue against because you aren't justifying yourself.

Objectively, your DP having a word before would probably be a good idea but you know her and if you don't think it would do any good then you're probably right.

Do you have any trusted friends or relatives who you could clue in to what she's like and ask them to effectively babysit her for the day? Just to keep an eye on her and steer her away from people she's likely to upset?

I would think that if your DP would have a word before the day it might have an impact. Has anyone pulled her up on her comments before now?
Has your DP done or said anything to her before this point in relation to winding her neck in? If not, now is the perfect time to do it. Could be phrased "Mum, I know in the past you have said some things to @Prunel and you've offended her. If you so much as utter a word about her either positive or negative on our wedding day, I'll be left with no alternative but to tell you to leave. The ball is in your court but neither of us will put up with your veiled comments now or in the future and you don't want to go and upset my bride on my wedding day, now do you?"

As for these comments you need to have quick, sharp and to the point retorts to make back at her
"Oh you look much better now you’ve lost the weight, you were getting quite fat werent you"
"Well MiL, I may be able to lose the weight but I guess, you'll always be a bitch. More tea Vicar?"
"(Unprovoked) maybe in the future you’ll be able to afford a better car. I’ll let you buy mine, maybe if you can afford it."
"Well, MiL, I'd rather deal directly with a garage and buy any car there. At least I'll get a guarantee from them that they'll look after me if something goes wrong with the car. Can't say that about you now can we? That said, I'm not in the habit of just changing my car to suit the weather and it's really not environmentally sound to be changing it for the sake of changing it. More tea Vicar?"
"I know you’re not really career focused, but have you considered trying to get a better job, yours is just not going anywhere. Why don’t you want to achieve things?"
"Well, MiL, I'm actually quite content in my job and with my career. Why you think my career is any of your business I have no idea. Why do you believe that my job, and to use your own quote here 'just isn't going anywhere'? What on earth would give you that impression?? Anyway, back to the point, I'm very happy doing what I do, where I do and anything else just is none of your damn business. More tea Vicar?"

I'd try and get my point across and then just as quickly, change the topic.

Just remember, the weight, the car, the job are all things you can change about yourself. Her, being a bit of a bitch, unfortunately you can't change. You can change how you react to her and you could point out that she is being a bitch if you wanted, in a matter-of-fact way.

I think I would completely ignore every insult. Turn and walk away every time.

Or just stare blankly at her.

@TidyDancer and @LookItsMeAgain my fear is that talking to her angers her so we start the day with her in a bad mood, when she’s in a bad mood she likes everyone else to feel it.
or my other worry is that she likes the attention of being ‘told off’ so she plays up to it. If she knows we are worried about her saying things, then finding something terrible to say is a sure fire way to get attention on the day, if she isn’t getting enough.

I’ve asked my brother, as she isn’t so rude to men, to be a bit of a buffer, but I do feel bad that’s something he’ll have to spend my wedding day thinking about and obviously he can’t physically stop her talking so she’ll still be rude.

DP has spoken to her before. I’ve also spoken to her. We’ve said things like we find it really upsetting when you comment on our home not being good enough, please can you not say things like that.
She says she doesn’t know what we’re talking about and we are just overly sensitive. or that it’s impossible to talk to us because we are always telling her what she can and can’t say when as DPs mum she is entitled to say whatever she likes. and then she goes to other members of the family and cries about the cruel things we have said. We have always been polite so this is not true. And it’s very hypocritical from someone who has insulted my family, my home, my career, my looks and everything else about me on numerous occasions, to say I’m being cruel to them!

@LookItsMeAgain do you think that’s best to do on my wedding day?! I just dont know. some of my friends have said confront her and some have said ignore it

if we threaten her that she will be made to leave I think DP will just be stressed about the impending confrontation and the drama because there’s no way she can be nice all day.

i do shut down a lot of those insults more recently by just saying boring things like
i like my car don’t worry about it. And then I keep repeating oh don’t worry about it in a friendly tone. So the conversation doesn’t really have anywhere to go. But it takes a lot of self control!!

If someone behaved like that towards me, I would simply not invite them.
How does she treat her son?

Be nice back.

Lost weight? "Id be happy to tell you how I did it if you'd like the help"

Could you have a rota of people to monopolise her for half an hour at a time so she doesn't get a chance to get access to you for the insults?

Why is he even inviting her she sounds bloody awful

I would use the grey rock technique. Minimal responses, no big reactions, no 'telling off', no confrontation. Nothing for her to get her teeth into. No matter what she says, you respond with 'mmm', 'oh', 'a-ha' or similar. Not always easy to put into practice but may be something to focus on rather than spontaneously reacting to what she says

It's really shit that you're having to worry about her behaviour on your wedding day. Narcs do often play up at special occasions. We were worried about MIL's potential carry on at FIL's funeral last year. It takes up an enormous amount of energy when you should be able to focus on enjoying the day

Ah.
You see, you're giving her exactly what she wants.
Attention, talks, suggestions...
Do not get your dp to talk to her. Dont ask your family to deal with her. It's all attention. And to what end?
Next time..simply smile and look her right in the eye and either be totally silent or change the subject.
People behave they way they do to get what they want.
Stop giving her what she wants.

You can’t change her, and she doesn’t want to change. Either low or no contact. If your up for standing up for yourself, She’s coming to the wedding so when she brazenly says something along the lines of’well you look better than I thought you would’ smile and tell her she does too.

agreeing with what she says and turning it back on her is probably the only way… but can result in escalation . Not sure I’d do it on my wedding day. I’d smile and ignore. Everyone knows she’s a cow, so will avoid snd hopefully she will go home early!

Oops if you’re up for it

I'd be put off marrying him with a mother like that. How vile. Tell her to F**k Off. I feel so naughty writing that as I rarely swear, if your like me, just think of the shock/impact it would have. I betcha Mrs Nasty would stop. Wishing you the happiest of days.

Don't get your DP to have an advance word with her - if shes a narcissist she'll LOVE that!

If she does start I'd nip it in the bud with a "Jean, not today" and continue on with my day appearing unfazed.

A narcissist WANTS a reaction, positive or negative. Don't feed the beast.

It sounds exhausting! As you’ve already spoken to her in the past and it hasn’t changed anything as she likes the attention, I think I would on this occasion at least just look for the most positive interpretation and have others primed to join in the game. E.g …The weight comment… oh thanks for saying I look better- I think everyone is looking wonderful today- can’t wait to see the pictures! The car comment.. thanks, I think my dream car would be one like we had today- I love the traditional models.
made me feel like I was in a film! What’s your dream car husband?) etc.
hope the day goes really well.

To those asking
yes she is awful, we did consider not inviting her but I don’t think DP is ready to take that step. I don’t want to start our marriage pressuring him into cutting off his mum, which is effectively what he would be doing. We’re trying to make it as low stress as possible and this would make things more stressful for him. We are tackling it in our every day lives and wouldn’t ordinarily spend more than an hour in her company once every few months.

@Lottapianos this is exactly what I’ve been trying to do and is exactly what I’m worried about with her. It’s a great opportunity to perform to an audience. And to be sulky when the audience do not adore you sufficiently.

Thank you @Chevyimpala67 I needed to hear that. At first I thought I was misjudging her. I’m big on communicating, and at first always assumed it was an accident she’d hurt my feelings or it was just miscommunication. As times gone on I realise that isn’t the case, though I still doubt myself.
DP wants to repair the relationship in an ideal world, and so even when I grey rock he’s still giving her attention and reactions.
I don’t think the relationship can be repaired, but if he stopped making an effort with my DM or insisted I did, I’d find that really difficult. So I’m always doubting myself.

Gawwwd all those MIL classic comments made me laugh 🤣 my god.
I think you'll have to rise above it, don't be shocked or outraged or get heat up about it on your wedding day. You're expecting it, you know what she's like, she's not going to change. You can't controlled anyone's behaviour but your own. Your wedding day is not the time to get into a confrontation about it.
Just make sure she's not sat next to you on the seating plan!!

There is a really good podcast (unfuck your brain) by Kara Loewentheil and she has an episode on this exact topic - how to survive family time.

Good luck, and keep us updated with what golden nuggets she comes out with on the day!

I wouldn't be able to resist turning it around on her. .

If she says you've lost weight and were fat before, say you've noticed she's looking a little pudgier than normal and would she like some of your dietary advice? If she complains, say "what!? Is what I said not true?"

Or start making sly digs at her, like "Oh, I've read about this wonderful cream for ageing skin, it's meant to really help minimise the appearance of wrinkles. I could send you the link if you'd like? Your wrinkles are looking very deep lately."

Your wedding day is probably not the best time to start giving it back to her tbh. On the day I'd just blank her, raise my eyebrows give a little sarcy smile and move on.

Thanks @Lollypop701 thats the risk isn’t it. Do I want to spend my wedding day battling. Not really. But I don’t want to spend it being passive whilst I’m insulted. It’s hard to know how she will behave.

@weekendninja yes I agree this is a good plan. DP is insistent on talking to her. Obviously he wants to protect me and thinks thats the best way to manage it

even if I handle her well on the outside and minimise fall out, I don’t know how to not be raging inside or just want to cry a bit that im dealing with it on the day

Exactly this, she sounds like she'd make a big drama of this, each time she says or.does anything she'll maybe martyr herself with the 'oh is that OK to say/do @Prunel, (big tearful sigh) I only want the best for them and I don't want to be any trouble (sob and frightened rabbit look) I know I really shouldn't be talking or anything'
Looking at you colleagues mum!

Laugh. Turn it into a joke, and if you can’t do that grey rock and a blank square.

make a metaphorical (or physical, if you like!) bingo card for her favourite topics and play with DP/bridesmaids.

@MichelleScarn do you know her???? Hahahaha

Warn people she says incredibly awful things in inappropriate context but ask them to try to keep a straight face if she does it in front of them during the wedding. They’ll fail and you’ll smile at her ridiculousness every time it happens.