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Original poster

No invite for DP - presumably out of order to ask for one?

73 replies

DraftPunk · 12/05/2022 14:15

I have been invited to a lovely wedding this winter and am excited to go (bride is godmother to one of my DC). The invitation is to me and my two DC.

I was widowed several years ago and have since met a new DP (2 years ago). He has never met the bride - she now lives overseas.

The wedding is a short haul flight away and I would much rather travel with DP and make a trip of it even if he can’t come to the actual wedding. My question is - is it ever acceptable to ask for a plus 1? Perhaps they have a “no meet no seat” rule (which of course is fair enough, it’s their day).

Reading this back, I can’t ask can I?

OP posts:

Vsirbdo · 12/05/2022 14:17

Sorry I don’t think you can ask and it would most likely just make it awkward for the bride and groom

gamerchick · 12/05/2022 14:18

No. But why can't you go along with your plan to have a bit of a holiday? Extend it past the wedding and let him amuse himself for the day while you're there.

WTF475878237NC · 12/05/2022 14:20

Of course not. They have never met him.
However, why doesn't he come for the trip and just not attend the wedding?

TigerLilyTail · 12/05/2022 14:21

It’s so rude not to invite plus-ones. Why on earth would she think that you’d want to travel abroad with the kids and leave your DP at home? It’s crazy!

I think she’s your friend, so it’s ok to be honest with her about how you’re feeling, albeit in a diplomatic way.

KirstenBlest · 12/05/2022 14:22

You all have a holiday, you go to the wedding without him.
If she's a good friend, you could ask.

I was in a similar position and didn't ask. Someone let slip why he wasn't invited and it wasn't good

BanditBluey · 12/05/2022 14:22

You could possibly ask if he would come to the evening reception? But I wouldn't ask if he could attend the actual wedding. Definitely take him with you though and make it a little break away

senua · 12/05/2022 14:22

Can't you phone her and drop it into the conversation.

Justmuddlingalong · 12/05/2022 14:22

I wouldn't ask for a plus 1, but I would extend the trip and make a holiday of it with DP and the kids.

TigerLilyTail · 12/05/2022 14:23

Just I think it’s rude just for your DP to turn up without saying anything even if he’s not planning on attending the wedding. It’s better to be honest, I think.

JenniferBarkley · 12/05/2022 14:28

Based on the thread title I was thinking YABU (although I do think it's unreasonable not to give guests a plus one). But in your circumstances I'm wondering if she perhaps doesn't realise how serious the relationship is?

I would mention that he's going to travel with you, and maybe ask if he could come in the evening to help with the kids? If she's any sort of friend she'd invite him to the full day if he's travelling out with you.

Original poster

DraftPunk · 12/05/2022 14:29

Thanks for your responses - helpful. I am definitely not going to ask/mention the situation (wedding planning is stressful enough) but will go ahead with the trip and DP can do his own thing on the wedding day.

I feel better now.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 14:32

I think it's pretty ignorant to invite one half of a couple to an overseas wedding with two kids in tow. I would ask for a plus-one, and if she declined I would travel out with DP, go to the essential bits of the wedding and leave early to spend a bit of holiday time with DP and the children.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/05/2022 14:36

I think you can ask without imposing, as presumably you are paying for the travel to this destination so its entirely reasonable you may wish to make a holiday of it. An email thanking your friend for the invite confirming you will be there and that you intend to bring your DP with as you will be making a holiday of it. That you would love if he could join you at the event but you also completely understand if its not possible and you do not want to impose. I think anyone having a destination wedding needs to be accommodating as you are expecting a lot from your guests in terms of cost and time. Also often guests cannot make destination weddings for the aforementioned reasons so she may have extra space.

Qwill · 12/05/2022 14:38

I’d do what you had planned, but leave the children with your husband for the wedding bit, it would make it a lot easier on you!

MajorCarolDanvers · 12/05/2022 14:56

Does she know you have a DP?

ImInStealthMode · 12/05/2022 15:02

Meanwhile, on another board, you absolutely can ask for a +1 😉

www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/4547798-more-wedding-cfery?page=3

(seriously, I've been roundly flamed for being affronted by it, but if our wedding were abroad I would most certainly have invited partners of 2 years. Heck, we have invited partners of 2 years).

BigFatLiar · 12/05/2022 15:04

MajorCarolDanvers · 12/05/2022 14:56

Does she know you have a DP?

Yes indeed, does she actually know you have a new partner? I may be old fashioned but I wouldn't go without him and I'd be annoyed if he thought it OK to go out to a social function like this without me.
We may be old, we may be a bit boring but we are a couple.

sobeyondthehills · 12/05/2022 15:12

I would ask, but make it clear, its a is this possible if not dont worry thing, especially for an abroad wedding.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/05/2022 15:28

I'd just ask. You are old friends and are going to the trouble of traveling to another country for her wedding. Would you really mind if the situation was reversed or would you want your friend to be comfortable?

Just be open with her.

thisplaceisweird · 12/05/2022 15:32

I would let her know your plan. She might be mortified that she left him off. Just send her a text, something like... 'Got the invite, me and DCs are so excited! We'll be travelling with (DP name) just to make things easier, but he will entertain himself on the day! Hope wedding planning is going well, can't wait to see you soon'

thisplaceisweird · 12/05/2022 15:33

ImInStealthMode · 12/05/2022 15:02

Meanwhile, on another board, you absolutely can ask for a +1 😉

www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/4547798-more-wedding-cfery?page=3

(seriously, I've been roundly flamed for being affronted by it, but if our wedding were abroad I would most certainly have invited partners of 2 years. Heck, we have invited partners of 2 years).

Let's be honest, you were quite disparaging about her from the off, that's why everyone gave you a hard time.

notsilverfish · 12/05/2022 15:46

thisplaceisweird · 12/05/2022 15:32

This is what I would do too

Sittingonabench · 12/05/2022 15:57

Does she know you are in a relationship? If it were me and a dear friend who was widowed would travel on a plane with their dc was making that effort I would be happy to extend the invitation if I could accommodate it. And I would be embarrassed not to have done so if it was just due to my missing how serious the relationship was. Perhaps not an outright request but maybe bring it up in conversation?

Original poster

DraftPunk · 12/05/2022 16:09

Now I’m starting to doubt myself…because I’m not at all sure that the bride knows that I am serious with DP.

But then again the non invite might be a deliberate decision based on numbers.

So difficult!!

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 12/05/2022 16:13

I would ring her and say you and X have been together for a couple of years now, and it’s a shame they haven’t met.

Say you’ll both be going together to the wedding destination for x nights and treating it like a bit of a holiday and suggest maybe you could get all together for coffee then if they have time. You could even ask if anyone drops out, would she maybe consider a +1 for the evening?

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