No invite for DP - presumably out of order to ask for one?

[DraftPunk]

I have been invited to a lovely wedding this winter and am excited to go (bride is godmother to one of my DC). The invitation is to me and my two DC.

I was widowed several years ago and have since met a new DP (2 years ago). He has never met the bride - she now lives overseas.

The wedding is a short haul flight away and I would much rather travel with DP and make a trip of it even if he can’t come to the actual wedding. My question is - is it ever acceptable to ask for a plus 1? Perhaps they have a “no meet no seat” rule (which of course is fair enough, it’s their day).

Reading this back, I can’t ask can I?

I have to say, I would say to the bride that your DP is coming and you are planning a trip together as a family after her wedding.

Maybe she hasn’t realised you are serious with your DP. But I have to say if she is the god mother if your dc, I’d have expected her to be closer to you and your family. I mean meeting someone again after a bereavement is something big and she might not have realised?
Maybe she hasn’t realised it’s poor form to invite everyone in the family bar one person
Maybe she is really stuck on numbers
Who knows.

But letting her know about your hols is a good way to talk aboutbut Wo talking about (and avoid ruffling feathers)

Fwiw, I have been to a few family weddings where DH was invited. The bride or groom didn’t know him. He was still invited and I think everyone would have been shocked if he hadn’t.

Just ask! We had several people ask before our wedding and it was no big deal. The first couple we were able to say yes to but then had to stop because of numbers. So long as everyone is nice and chilled out about it, I don't think it's a problem at all.

I’m not sure I’d be happy to be invited just to fill a hole tbh…..

I had a friend I hadn't seen for about 18 months ask for his partner to attend, didn't bother me at all him asking and was happy to meet her at the wedding. Maybe your friend just doesn't know how serious your relationship is. We had worse with my family, cousins only invited engaged or married partners so my boyfriend of 8 years wasn't invited, it was only evening reception and we'd been going out much longer than the bride and groom! Weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes

Totally fine to ask. The stuff about people not being invited because they haven't met them.... Well covid and the fact your friend lives abroad probably accounts for that.

I'd do as previous posters have said, casually mention you'll make a holiday of it, you and Dp and children are looking forward to it. You could go the extra and ask if she could suggest anything (if the location is her local area) that Dp could do while you are all at the wedding. Great way of her to say no he should come too or lead to a conversation about it anyways.

I’d say something along the lines of “Hi X, sorry to be so upfront and ask but would it be possible for Y to be invited to the wedding as well? It’s going to be a lot for me travelling over on my own with two kids and we were hoping to make a weekend of it and for you to finally meet Y. Understand if you can’t accommodate this, just let me know!”

Tbh I think she is the rude one (although there’s every chance it may be an oversight due to not knowing how serious you are). I really can’t imagine a close friend going through a bereavement and me begrudging an invite to their new partner, I’d be bloody delighted they’d found happiness again!

Ok - again thanks everyone for responses. It’s true the bride hasn’t met DP but he has met members of her close family (also friends of mine).

Also - and I think this is relevant - bride is a kind person who I’ve known a long time, albeit I haven’t seen her for 2.5 years. Absolutely not a person to be scared of approaching.

So, I’m now thinking I will be brave and speak to her.

I think if she's a godmother-to-your-DC close friend you should be able to do this. You know her best but I would not be offended. I'd just drop an email and say he's coming with us for the break, and if anyone drops out, could he take their place? Otherwise he's fine to potter about for the day. Just make it a chatty nice email but it might be easier for her consider it than if you phone.

I'd email and say something a bit oblique like "I'm so looking forward to seeing you at your wedding with DC1 and DC2. We're planning to make a bit of a holiday of it actually and DP, me and the children are flying out on the Friday and staying for four nights. Do let me know if there's something special you'd like as a wedding gift, or happy to just choose of the list / give you money. It will be such a special day and great to catch up. Take care, Draft Punk"

Then balls in her court to invite DP too, but she can also choose not to.

I've had a couple of people ask to invite plus ones, and we were absolutely fine with it!

I think it might be worth checking, it might be no, but maybe if someone drops out they can squeeze your dp in last minute if he is there on holiday anyway!

Did she actually know about DP?

I think I’d tend to mention him and say he is coming over with you but absolutely fine if she can’t fit him in. Recently is was asked to a friend’s wedding (who I hadn’t seen for some time) the other side of the country. I jumped at it initially and then started to realise that she meant me and my husband and not my 11 year old. I then asked if he could come and she checked her numbers and said that we could all do the evening if that was ok but her numbers were too tight for the day. We went out for the day and had a great time and then went to the evening. No one was offended.

I absolutely would ask. Just say you're bringing your DP along for a holiday and would it be ok if he came to some or all of the wedding. Just make it clear that you completely understand if that won't be possible and he will be fine doing his own thing.

I don't think that's fair to ask the bride and groom. I didnt invite some of my friends partners as they were fairly new and i had not met them. A wedding isn't a place for people you have never met.

Tbh I think the friend is rude and so are all the PPs who refused their friends +1s - I wouldn’t attend a wedding without DH. The whole thing about not having met the partners is silly. Because of covid my dad hadn’t met DH before our wedding - my dad works abroad so I hadn’t seen him for 8-9 months before covid hit then he was stuck in another country for 2 years. I also hadn’t met all DH’s friends’ partners though I had met most of his old friends, but I happily invited the partners because I wanted my guests to have a nice time and feel comfortable.
People on wedding threads on here seem to think only of themselves (cf all the recent threads about weddings with no food/drink/seats for hours leaving guests sitting around hungry and thirsty). So rude and selfish!

This is perfect response- if she doesn't reply offering him a place then he can amuse himself and just join him whenever you have had enough on the day...
It may be that your friend is really having to be carefulof numbers and as such has not been able to invite people she actually knows well, so this way you give her the option to add on invite for him but if not dont ask outright as you may then be more annoyed if she says no 🤣🥰

Yes this.

If you're travelling to the place where they live then definitely also suggest coffee if they are free

If wedding is abroad it's unlikely people will drop out on the day but it's quite likely sone of the initial invites will say no, therefore best to include him as the extra space than invite people last minute to an overseas place.
I'd just say he is coming along as part of the holiday so if she needs a replacement guest he is in hand.
Though I think it's rude to not invite one's partner to a wedding. It's about celebrating people being together! So your guests also should be with their partners! Only excuse would be if she didn't know you were dating but then have a chat with you ahead of the invite to delicately establish that!

This - I think it's generally rude to add for a plus one, but totally fine to ask to put someone on the last-minute seat filler list, especially when it's likely there will be drop outs.

I think that’s a perfect response. You’re not asking for him to be invited, but letting her know he’ll be “in the area” and is definitely part of your family. If she gets any cancellations or has room she may well say he can come.

Does she know/remember that you're remarried? In the past I've phoned to clarify whether the invite is just me or plus one.

I'd ask she may not realise you have a serious partner and want him to come,
Explain you'd rather travel with him too than alone, she can only say yes or no. X