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Original poster

Feeling let down by maid of honour

75 replies

GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 18:22

Hi everyone,

Long story short, I'm getting married next spring and my moh is getting married later this year. I am one of 3 bridesmaids for her, she is my only BM (I have a much smaller social circle than her). When I first asked her last year she was great, gave me loads of planning advice etc, but this year she has barely mentioned my wedding. I understand she is caught up with trying to plan hers with changing Coronavirus restrictions, but I feel forgotten about. She has never asked if she can help me with any planning etc, yet has given us all loads of stuff to do for her wedding. On top of that, her maid of honour is planning lots of small details to make her day special despite restrictions, and as I don't get the impression she will be doing that next year for me. I kinda feel like she will just turn up and expect me to have done everything.
What do I do? Do I wait until her wedding is over and see if she improves or talk about it before then?

I am in no way a bridezilla, I'm not having a massive wedding and I generally don't like a huge fuss but I would like someone who isn't me to plan champagne and treats and some room decorations for getting ready that morning. I just want to be made feel special and not just another bride.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 08/05/2021 21:22

I couldn't do anything with friends to celebrate finding my dress

What did you have in mind? Under the circumstances this is sounding a lot like first world problems.

Wafflewombat · 08/05/2021 21:22

You do sound like you have a massive pout on. It must be exhausting to keep up this level of expectation. She's not a mind reader and tbh, what can she do a year out from the wedding. Fire her, get a wedding planner if it's such a big deal.

Original poster
GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 21:26

@Divebar2021

I couldn't do anything with friends to celebrate finding my dress

What did you have in mind? Under the circumstances this is sounding a lot like first world problems.

Go out for lunch afterwards and have a celebratory drink like I've done with other people. I'm not expecting a parade in my honour.

I don't need a wedding planner @Wafflewombat , I have all of the main details planned and booked already.

OP posts:
MrsCaptainJakeBallard · 08/05/2021 21:27

@GreenFlamingo11

I guess I come from a culture where weddings generally are seen as big important life events by more than just the couple getting married but I'm sensing that isn't the case in the UK.

Thank you to those of you who have been nice and not just piled on me.

I guess my real frustration is that I haven't been able to enjoy any of the "fun" parts of wedding planning due to Covid. We couldn't have an engagement party with our families, my dress shopping was rushed to try and get it done before shops closed again for months and I couldn't do anything with friends to celebrate finding my dress, we don't know if we'll be able to have any kind of honeymoon, don't even know if we'll be able to invite all the people we want to invite. It's all just been stressful and not enjoyable. I'm aware these things may sound stupid but they play a big part in building up to the day. None of it feels special yet. Maybe some of you can relate?

And no I'm not saying any of these are more important than protection against Covid.

Sorry op but no bride getting married this year has been able to enjoy those parts either. It's not great and I feel like planning my wedding has been stressful not fun too (this year not next), so I'm sure your friend is dealing with her own feelings like this now & trying to deal with her own wedding. Once hers is out of the way I'm sure she'll be more excited for yours.
murbblurb · 08/05/2021 21:30

The ceremonial pulling up of the knickers in the morning, accompanied by champagne and treats, seems pretty bridezilla for most in the UK! Don't wish your life away for a one day party a year away. All that can be sorted nearer the time.

If she's overloading you with party admin , speak up.

Footloosefancyfree · 08/05/2021 21:36

You sound hardwork your wedding is a year a way and she's planning hers when we have been through an pandemic its isn't remotely comparable. As a married woman we had a takeaway night do some favours and then morning of the wedding had some wine to toast there was no nibbles or fawning over me. Bridezilla springs to mind.

MindtheBelleek · 08/05/2021 21:38

@GreenFlamingo11

I guess I come from a culture where weddings generally are seen as big important life events by more than just the couple getting married but I'm sensing that isn't the case in the UK.

Thank you to those of you who have been nice and not just piled on me.

I guess my real frustration is that I haven't been able to enjoy any of the "fun" parts of wedding planning due to Covid. We couldn't have an engagement party with our families, my dress shopping was rushed to try and get it done before shops closed again for months and I couldn't do anything with friends to celebrate finding my dress, we don't know if we'll be able to have any kind of honeymoon, don't even know if we'll be able to invite all the people we want to invite. It's all just been stressful and not enjoyable. I'm aware these things may sound stupid but they play a big part in building up to the day. None of it feels special yet. Maybe some of you can relate?

And no I'm not saying any of these are more important than protection against Covid.

I get that it’s an uncertain time to plan a wedding, OP, but in the nicest possible way, it sounds as if you’re dumping all this on your MOH, because she’s not ‘making you feel special enough’.

Read @Yay4spring’s good post about disappointment and unmet expectations.

Wafflewombat · 08/05/2021 21:40

Can't a wedding planner do all this frippery stuff on the morning? Again, people are not mind readers, especially a year out from your special day.

I focused on the marriage not the wedding. 24 hours & it's a distant memory within days.

Original poster
GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 21:40

@Footloosefancyfree

You sound hardwork your wedding is a year a way and she's planning hers when we have been through an pandemic its isn't remotely comparable. As a married woman we had a takeaway night do some favours and then morning of the wedding had some wine to toast there was no nibbles or fawning over me. Bridezilla springs to mind.
Good for you, but that's not what I want for my wedding day. Everyone is different.
OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 08/05/2021 21:57

But your wedding is next year when it's likely that things will be as close to normal as possible. She's been planning through a lot of uncertainty and also won't have been able to do a lot of the things you haven't been able to do. You'll still have time to do things prior to your wedding if you want to.

I also think it depends on the kind of person you are. Personally, my BMs didn't do 'little things' for me other then planning my hen do. I've seen posts on FB for other people I know who are due to get married whose BMs have sent them surprise gifts and 'pushed the boat out' for their friend. If I were a BM, I probably would be more like the latter because that's the kind of person I am.

brushlaptop · 08/05/2021 22:03

I get that your wedding is important but honestly so so many people have had theirs cancelled or moved indefinitely or changed hugely due to covid. Generally things like champagne in the room getting ready is organised by the bride in the uk, the thing the bridesmaids organise is the hen do. Literally no one has been able to have an engagement party. It's not just you! I think you do sound like a bit of a bridezilla to be honest, but I hope you get the day you want and good luck with the planning (which you do, not your bridesmaid).

Stroopwaffle5000 · 08/05/2021 22:22

Do people really celebrate finding their dress?? I've never heard of this before! I found my dress, sent a photo to my bridesmaids and that was that.

Original poster
GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 22:49

@Stroopwaffle5000

Do people really celebrate finding their dress?? I've never heard of this before! I found my dress, sent a photo to my bridesmaids and that was that.
Yes, it's common where I'm from. Finding a wedding dress is a big job and a big deal IMO and I loved being able to celebrate and be happy for friends whose bridal party I was in when they found theirs. I don't think it's strange?
OP posts:
almay · 08/05/2021 22:53

Where are you from OP? Might help if people knew a bit more about where you’re coming from. I do think though that you’re wedding is too far out to be getting worked up about this now. Her mind is, rightly, on her own wedding right now.

PotteringAlong · 08/05/2021 22:59

I’m with @Stroopwaffle5000 here about the dress. Celebrating finding a dress is a bit odd. I definitely didn’t do that! I think there might be a culture clash of expectations at play here.

KillerFlamingo · 08/05/2021 23:05

If she's getting married first then how could she be a bridesmaid or maid of honour for you anyway? She'd be a matron of honour or nothing surely?

And as for "finding the dress", that's bonkers!! You sound totally bridezilla. Just calm down, back off and realise that your wedding is important to you but not so much to everyone else.

HairyPits · 08/05/2021 23:06

You really don’t want to ‘celebrate’ finding your dress!
I looked for second hand dresses, went to a few people’s houses (who were selling) and tried them on. Purchased the dress I wanted, took it home and felt pleased.

No one else gives a shit about your dress and it’s ridiculous to expect people to ‘celebrate’ finding it.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 08/05/2021 23:10

You need to remember that your wedding is important to you, it's just a party for everybody else. If you want something arranged, do it yourself.

Original poster
GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 23:11

I really don't think finding the perfect wedding dress is ridiculous. It's a huge part of the bridal experience! I care about my friends finding a dress they love and they care about me finding one too. I don't know why that's so hard for people here to comprehend.

OP posts:
EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology · 08/05/2021 23:18

Some cultural context would be helpful here.

Simply saying 'not from the UK' could mean Guernsey.

Rno3gfr · 08/05/2021 23:20

Why do you want someone else to plan your wedding?

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 08/05/2021 23:21

Celebrating finding a dress 😂😂

I got married (well, civil partnered) last year, had to cancel once and rearrange. But never in a million years would I expect someone to arrange anything for me. Seriously, get a grip. If you want something, arrange it yourself. You’re a grown woman, presumably?

SummerHouse · 08/05/2021 23:29

Surely everyone celebrates the finding of the wedding dress, no? It's section 165 of the bridezilla act of 2012, right before sub section 165.2; group worship of the perfect shade of lipstick.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 08/05/2021 23:31

@SummerHouse 🤣🤣

Original poster
GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 23:32

@Rno3gfr

Why do you want someone else to plan your wedding?
Tell me where I said that?

I don't know why you all have to be so nasty. Calling me a bridezilla 7 million times doesn't actually achieve anything, hard as that may be to believe. Not everyone wants a totally informal village hall wedding. Is that a crime now?

OP posts:
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