Feeling let down by maid of honour

[GreenFlamingo11]

Hi everyone,

Long story short, I'm getting married next spring and my moh is getting married later this year. I am one of 3 bridesmaids for her, she is my only BM (I have a much smaller social circle than her). When I first asked her last year she was great, gave me loads of planning advice etc, but this year she has barely mentioned my wedding. I understand she is caught up with trying to plan hers with changing Coronavirus restrictions, but I feel forgotten about. She has never asked if she can help me with any planning etc, yet has given us all loads of stuff to do for her wedding. On top of that, her maid of honour is planning lots of small details to make her day special despite restrictions, and as I don't get the impression she will be doing that next year for me. I kinda feel like she will just turn up and expect me to have done everything.
What do I do? Do I wait until her wedding is over and see if she improves or talk about it before then?

I am in no way a bridezilla, I'm not having a massive wedding and I generally don't like a huge fuss but I would like someone who isn't me to plan champagne and treats and some room decorations for getting ready that morning. I just want to be made feel special and not just another bride.

Op where are you from?

Also, there's no point saying where I'm from because from personal experience most British people are so totally uninformed about it that they assume it's the exact same as the UK when it's actually very different in some ways, culturally. You should be able to guess from that.

Seems to me that the big issue is that she wants you to do quite a bit of legwork for her wedding, but you think she’s not going to make much effort for yours.

It’s not so much a wedding thing as a friendship thing. You say she has a bigger circle of friends but you have a small circle that, I assume, she is an important member of. Tbh, I think that’s the issue. It hurts when someone is more important to you than you are to them and this kind of thing can bring it to the fore and make you confront when you might not have acknowledged it before.

Something similar happened to friends of mine and it really damaged the friendship. Having said that, give your friend a chance and see if she reciprocates the effort you have made for her after her big day is over.

I also can’t resist guessing which country you are in: Ireland? Or possibly Malta??

@GreenFlamingo11

Also, there's no point saying where I'm from because from personal experience most British people are so totally uninformed about it that they assume it's the exact same as the UK when it's actually very different in some ways, culturally. You should be able to guess from that.

Well, from that I would assume Ireland, but I’m Irish, and your expectations about weddings and wedding preparation norms don’t match anything I’ve ever experienced.

I think the reason people are asking where you’re from,OP, is partly about whether you’re from elsewhere but living in the UK, which might explain a clash of expectations.

If it's Ireland you're from you're right lots of similarities with UK and lots of cultural differences but generally weddings etc quite similar.

You've said a few things in the thread that make me wonder if you're maybe too hung up on this "bridal experience" that you're talking about. Unfortunately you like the rest of us actually "are* just another bride. Millions and millions of brides before you and millions and millions after you.

For the sake of your own sanity maybe try to take your expectations down a notch and just go with the flow and remember what's important .... You are getting married and commuting to a life together and having a party to celebrate. That's basically what a wedding is.

Your wedding isn't until another year and you're already fixated on wanting certain experiences .... You'll drive yourself nuts if you don't tone it down a bit. And drive every one else nuts too.

Not sure why you’re posting on a predominantly British forum then, where you know the response will not take into account your culture, given that we can’t possibly know what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

Having said that, regardless of culture YABU to expect anyone to plan your celebrations for you. Do it yourself

Also in Ireland you'll not be getting away with any carry on about having a celebration that you bought a dress you like to wear for one day in a year's time. Now that would be having notions and just not on!

@Twistered

Also in Ireland you'll not be getting away with any carry on about having a celebration that you bought a dress you like to wear for one day in a year's time. Now that would be having notions and just not on!

So why I have seen loads of people do it in the past? I know all about notions but I don't think that's notions. It's just a nice way to commemorate what can be a stressful experience.

because from personal experience most British people are so totally uninformed about it that they assume it's the exact same as the UK

Nice.

If you give no background information, it’s hardly surprising people don’t know what your situation is.

Also, there's no point saying where I'm from because from personal experience most British people are so totally uninformed about it that they assume it's the exact same as the UK when it's actually very different in some ways, culturally. You should be able to guess from that.

So, if you are talking about cultural expectations that you are aware are very specific to your culture, do you not think it might have been a good idea to mention that very relevant point in your op ?

Finding a wedding dress is a big job and a big deal IMO and I loved being able to celebrate and be happy for friends whose bridal party I was in when they found theirs. I don't think it's strange?

Yet, everyone else on this thread does.

People aren't "piling on" or "being nasty". You have asked for opinions, and people have given their opinions. Just because most people's opinions haven't been what you hoped people would say, it doesn't mean they / we are 'piling on', it means the overwhelming majority of posters happen to agree with one another, and not with what you wished they had said.

I don't understand brides who spend more than a year planning their wedding TBH. Once you have covered the basics - the date, the dress, venue, food, guest list etc everything else is just window dressing.

I have never come across "celebrating finding a dress" either. Which culture does this?

So, if you are talking about cultural expectations that you are aware are very specific to your culture, do you not think it might have been a good idea to mention that very relevant point in your op?

I agree with @BackforGood. Context would have been very helpful, because it just looks like you have unrealistic expectations.

She's in Ireland. None of what she's expecting is cultural in Ireland as such. Weddings etc over here aren't that much different to the UK apart from the residents bar being open to about 5am!

Next spring!!! Wtf would anyone need to be talking about your wedding a year before the event
It's her turn, she's getting married this year, if you're into the whole wedding planning thing, let her have her turn first and focus on your friend!

She has never asked if she can help me with any planning etc, yet has given us all loads of stuff to do for her wedding.

Going back to your OP, you say yourself your friend has specifically asked for certain help, whilst you’re just expecting she’ll read your mind as to what you want/hope for - sounds like she’s just communicating a lot better than you are.

@Twistered

She's in Ireland. None of what she's expecting is cultural in Ireland as such. Weddings etc over here aren't that much different to the UK apart from the residents bar being open to about 5am!

Do we know for sure that the OP is Irish?

If so, that’s mad. I’m Irish, but lived in the UK (where I got married myself) for almost 20 years, and have been to more weddings than I can count in both countries. I’ve been a bridesmaid/MOH in both. There are no significant cultural differences at all around weddings between the UK and Ireland, certainly not any more. I’ve been wedding dress shopping with friends in Ireland lots of times, and it wasn’t some elaborate ‘celebration’’. One time we went out hillwalking straight afterwards, another time I think we had lunch.

A good friend got married (in Ireland) with ten guests in November, having had to postpone a big wedding during the first lockdown. She’d bought her wedding dress in normal times, sure, but had to try to organise shoes, accessories (original wedding was in high summer, new one a freezing late November, so needed something over the dress), hair wreath, flowers, clothes for the children, groom etc, catering, a new venue for the now-tiny wedding, as well as dealing with the fact that her husbands family (all overseas) couldn’t attend now. It wasn’t at all what she’d planned, and of course she had moments of disappointment, but she dealt with it with good humour and style. And of course I helped, and family helped, but she wasn’t complaining about not being made to feel sufficiently ‘special’ months in advance. She was marrying the man she loved.

I mean, being Irish and getting married isn’t some kind of Bridezilla cultural exception where a massive fuss is mandated. I’m Irish and married to an Irish man and we got married with two witnesses.

Aye it's definitely Ireland.
Notions I tell ya, notions.

Definitely Ireland.
She is right about every one expects Ireland to be the same as the UK and it's not. But its similar enough on some things especially weddings.

Op do you still feel let down or have you settled yourself a bit? I really hope you're able to take it down a notch .. you'll have a far better non disappointed experience and I do hope you enjoy the run up to your wedding and you will feel that specialness naturally

People aren't being mean, you asked for an opinion and you got one it just happened to be different from the one you wanted.
I've been to soooo many weddings as a bridesmaid, moh, and been a bride myself and in none of them did we "celebrate finding a dress" 😂😂 I think you need to reel in your expectations, plan your own wedding yourself, drop the attitude and realise that if her wedding is first then in this moment that IS more important. I'm sure once it is over she will ask more about your wedding but for the love of god don't expect her to plan it for you. Hire and pay for a wedding planner or do it yourself.

I get it - if you want a big wedding experience then most of that is about the run up and the planning and the excitement and that's all gone to shit cos of COVID and then compounded by feeling like your maid of honour isn't that bothered.

However I'd give her a chance til hers is out the way, how long is the gap between them? She'll probably have lots of time after hers.

Also try and separate your disappointment with the shite that is COVID and her, if she's usually an amazing friend then it's not worth falling out over. Life is just crap at the moment.

Surely its normal for her to focus on her own wedding as its first, then once it's done she can help you with yours? Yours is ages away!

@Peachesarepeach

I get it - if you want a big wedding experience then most of that is about the run up and the planning and the excitement and that's all gone to shit cos of COVID and then compounded by feeling like your maid of honour isn't that bothered.

However I'd give her a chance til hers is out the way, how long is the gap between them? She'll probably have lots of time after hers.

Also try and separate your disappointment with the shite that is COVID and her, if she's usually an amazing friend then it's not worth falling out over. Life is just crap at the moment.

Thank you for understanding, I was starting to feel like an alien!

And for those of you who keep telling me to plan my own wedding- I am planning my own wedding! I have 80% of it planned already, myself.

To those obsessing over me "celebrating" finding my dress, I wasn't looking to have a big party celebration ffs. Celebrate is probably not even the correct word, I just wanted to be able to have more than one person in the bridal shop with me and go out for a nice lunch afterwards. Someone else above said they went for lunch with a friend after dress shopping, it's not a totally foreign concept! One of my friends even had the lady in the bridal shop pop open a bottle of champagne to toast when she found her dress! Shock horror 😮

Yes I am in Ireland, and yes while weddings are generally very similar to the UK, I think there are some differences. Weddings in Ireland are generally a bit more formal and more of an event, in non Covid times.

I’m Irish too and currently planning my own wedding, and I do get it. Everything at the moment to do with weddings is such a non event and that is really crap! It’s just the way everything is at the moment and probably for another while yet. But honestly, I wouldn’t get yourself worked up about this now. Wait until your friend’s wedding is over and then see how things are.

I guess my real frustration is that I haven't been able to enjoy any of the "fun" parts of wedding planning due to Covid. We couldn't have an engagement party with our families, my dress shopping was rushed to try and get it done before shops closed again for months and I couldn't do anything with friends to celebrate finding my dress, we don't know if we'll be able to have any kind of honeymoon, don't even know if we'll be able to invite all the people we want to invite. It's all just been stressful and not enjoyable. I'm aware these things may sound stupid but they play a big part in building up to the day. None of it feels special yet. Maybe some of you can relate?

If you think your experience has been frustrating, just imagine how hard it's been for those whose weddings have been postponed, then postponed again, and have barely been able to be in a room with anyone during the planning. Oh, and had to uninvite the majority of their guests. You are in a FAR better position than them, but I haven't heard a word of empathy from you for them, or for your friend who will have had to miss out on a lot more than you have.

You have a year to go. Things will be opening up, and you, unlike your friend, are almost certainly going to be able to enjoy all that goes along with a wedding.

You sound so self-obsessed, it's not funny. You want to be made to feel special a year before your wedding, while your MOH is missing out BIG TIME, and is probably constantly worried about whether hers will happen at all.

Buying a wedding dress shouldn’t be stressful. Planning your wedding shouldn’t be stressful. I’ve had two. Didn’t get stressed.

You talk about all of this as if it’s the last fun or celebration you’ll ever have. Getting married - which is what you’re doing, the wedding is a small part of that - is a beginning not an end and you’ll hopefully have many wonderful exciting years ahead of you with multiple reasons to celebrate and enjoy a bit of fuss and flimflam.

You’re sorely lacking perspective and setting yourself up for crashing disappointment if you don’t gain some. What will you occupy yourself with once the wedding is over?

If I were your maid of honour I'd be petrified