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Original poster

Feeling let down by maid of honour

75 replies

GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 18:22

Hi everyone,

Long story short, I'm getting married next spring and my moh is getting married later this year. I am one of 3 bridesmaids for her, she is my only BM (I have a much smaller social circle than her). When I first asked her last year she was great, gave me loads of planning advice etc, but this year she has barely mentioned my wedding. I understand she is caught up with trying to plan hers with changing Coronavirus restrictions, but I feel forgotten about. She has never asked if she can help me with any planning etc, yet has given us all loads of stuff to do for her wedding. On top of that, her maid of honour is planning lots of small details to make her day special despite restrictions, and as I don't get the impression she will be doing that next year for me. I kinda feel like she will just turn up and expect me to have done everything.
What do I do? Do I wait until her wedding is over and see if she improves or talk about it before then?

I am in no way a bridezilla, I'm not having a massive wedding and I generally don't like a huge fuss but I would like someone who isn't me to plan champagne and treats and some room decorations for getting ready that morning. I just want to be made feel special and not just another bride.

OP posts:

NeverMetANiceOne · 08/05/2021 18:24

I think you ought to wait until after her wedding, once she's finished up all that chaos she'll be ready for your turn.

Gizlotsmum · 08/05/2021 18:25

I would wait till after her wedding, maybe mention how lovely the stuff her maid of honour did is.

MrsPerfect12 · 08/05/2021 18:26

Wait until after her wedding, that is fair. It's too early for her to be thinking about decor for yours.

arcof · 08/05/2021 18:27

I think just change your expectations or tell her what they are. As close as you are, she cannot know what you are in need of unless you tell her. Your wedding day is about you and your husband and everyone you love celebrating with you, anything else is a bonus. Just relax and enjoy it!

LawnFever · 08/05/2021 18:29

Wait until after her wedding, yours is ages off yet, give her a chance - there really can’t be much she can do this far out anyway

Wineat5isfine · 08/05/2021 18:46

Flip this around - If you were getting married first, wouldn’t you be excitedly planning your wedding? Let your friend get married, then the prep for your wedding can begin!

Original poster

GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 18:46

Thanks everyone, yes you're probably right. I will wait and see until after hers. I think I'm just feeling a bit lost because OH's brother and cousin are also getting married in the next 12 months so it feel like everyone is focused on all of the weddings except ours!

OP posts:

HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 08/05/2021 18:49

There’s a year until yours! Hers is coming up, and she has restrictions to contend with that won’t be an issue for you, so I think you need to wait your turn tbh

RosieGuacamosie · 08/05/2021 18:52

Gently, this does sound a bit bridezilla! Surely you should feel special by virtue of the fact you’re marrying the man you love? I wouldn’t be expecting someone to provide “champagne and treats” shouldn’t you be providing these as a thank you to the bridesmaids who are helping at your wedding? Or maybe it would be nice if your future husband could have a hand in arranging these things if they mean a lot to you.

Original poster

GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 19:11

My bridesmaid will be getting a thank you gift. Having champagne and little snacky things is standard while getting ready where I'm from. Normally the bridesmaids organise these. The groom looks after the groomsmen not the bride & bridesmaids the morning of. Not in the UK so might be different to what you're used to.

OP posts:

Yay4spring · 08/05/2021 19:37

Disappointment is unmet expectation. If you have expectations & haven’t made sure someone knows them (and is also signed up to deliver on them) you are going to be disappointed.

I would personally protect yourself from that and decide what you would miss if it didn’t happen and ensure it does. Otherwise you’re expecting other people to treat you exactly as you would want them too - but they will have different opinions on what they “should”/will be doing. This “weight of expectation” damages relationships. You miss & don’t value what they do do because you’re too busy missing what they don’t do that you wish they would. My sibling does that (& admits it too!) to me and it’s made me feel totally unappreciated at times & ever increasingly unwilling to do what I otherwise would have automatically done.

I hope you have a fabulous wedding day that makes your heart sing. Don’t leave it to other people to make that happen for you. You are the person best placed to know what will make your day special and loving and doing it for yourself rather than feeling you only deserve it is someone else does it as a surprise for you will hopefully be empowering.
If you think your friend isn’t the sort to spend a lot of time thinking about your wedding, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a fabulous relationship in other ways. Could your Fiancé or other family member take on giving you what you want?

Workingfromhomeishell · 08/05/2021 19:40

You need to wait until after her wedding. Give her a chance.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/05/2021 19:41

I didn't have bridesmaids at my wedding, still managed to have drinks and snacks whilst getting ready. Organise what you want. But I wouldn't have organised them a year in advance.

user648482729 · 08/05/2021 19:46

I’d give her a chance. I’ve been a bridesmaid a couple of times and although I’ve always been really interested in the wedding plans I’ve not offered to actually help as it didn’t really occur to me. Similarly when I got married I didn’t ask my bridesmaids to help with the wedding planning; the hen so was their job to plan.
Apart from drinks and snacks what things is her maid of honour planning?
I mean this kindly but you can’t expect all the focus to be on you for months ahead.

Ravenspeckingearly · 08/05/2021 19:49

Sorry, you do sound like a bridezilla. If you want x,y,z at your wedding, you organise it. My best friend couldn’t come to my wedding....ok, she could have come to my wedding but had already agreed other plans and chose not to change them. We are still besties. I didn’t have hen weekend. The point if a wedding is to get married, not the other nonsense.

jelly79 · 08/05/2021 19:52

Oh I'm sorry but a reality check here. She is planning her own wedding and changes to plans re covid (it's been a horrid time for brides) and you are stressing no one is planning snacks for your room. Next year.

Chill out and enjoy the weddings this year and give them a chance

LawnFever · 08/05/2021 20:07

Organising champagne and snacks before your wedding can be arranged the day before, it does not in any way need to be planned a year in advance

Original poster

GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 20:17

Okay, no where did I say she had to plan the champagne right now! If you read what I actually wrote, I said I get the feeling she isn't going to bother and it will be another thing I have to do myself.

I'm aware that it's a stressful time for brides right now, considering my own planning has been affected by it and I don't even know if we will be able to have a "normal" wedding next year. It's hard planning everything and handing over deposits without knowing if it'll actually go ahead. I'm not expecting all of the attention to be on me for the next year, that would be ridiculous and not even what I meant. You're all taking this way out of context. I just want to be made to feel special and I don't think it's going to happen.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 08/05/2021 20:19

You are the bride, how more special can you be. But your wedding is next year.

blacksax · 08/05/2021 20:33

so it feels like everyone is focused on all of the weddings except ours!
I've got news for you. 'Everyone' is pushing it. 'A small handful of people including the bride' is more like it.

Of course other people aren't going to be interested in your wedding, particularly if they are currently in the middle of organising their own. And especially if theirs is before yours.

Your wedding is a huge important thing in your life, but to other people? It really isn't. Sorry.

Original poster

GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 20:52

I guess I come from a culture where weddings generally are seen as big important life events by more than just the couple getting married but I'm sensing that isn't the case in the UK.

Thank you to those of you who have been nice and not just piled on me.

I guess my real frustration is that I haven't been able to enjoy any of the "fun" parts of wedding planning due to Covid. We couldn't have an engagement party with our families, my dress shopping was rushed to try and get it done before shops closed again for months and I couldn't do anything with friends to celebrate finding my dress, we don't know if we'll be able to have any kind of honeymoon, don't even know if we'll be able to invite all the people we want to invite. It's all just been stressful and not enjoyable. I'm aware these things may sound stupid but they play a big part in building up to the day. None of it feels special yet. Maybe some of you can relate?

And no I'm not saying any of these are more important than protection against Covid.

OP posts:

OhSayWhat · 08/05/2021 21:03

I get that your wedding is important to you, but you’re not the first person in the world to get married so you’re really not special. And Covid has ruined everyone’s plans in so many ways (and caused death and financial destruction) so I’m struggling to weep over a missed engagement do. To be honest, you do sound like a bridezilla. Just chill out and remember it’s about marrying your fiancé.

FluffMagnet · 08/05/2021 21:13

It will feel special closer to the day. But, and you will realise this when your wedding is just a few short months away rather than a year, your best friend has more important things spinning round her head just now to even have head space to consider events in spring 2022. What are you doing to support her so close to her wedding day? At your stage, I would be expecting you to be planning the "big" parts of the event - venue(s), catering, dress, main bridal party. First iteration of the guest list. Things that need to be decided between you and the groom. Smaller bits come later in the day. I think you need to chill, support your friend through her wedding (which is much more Covid-affected than yours) and then she will have time to support you.

For my wedding, my two besties had their weddings one and two months before mine. We all accepted that our support of each other was extremely limited because of our own personal stresses. It didn't mean we didn't care about each other, but we were realistic and pragmatic about what was on each other's plates and the limits on ability to help. Weddings are a huge deal in the UK, but most people give short shrift to a bride who expects a year or two of slavish devotion from friends and family. Its not healthy.

Original poster

GreenFlamingo11 · 08/05/2021 21:17

I do not expect slavish devotion from anyone, thanks for assuming.

OP posts:

LawnFever · 08/05/2021 21:18

I just want to be made to feel special and I don't think it's going to happen

But it’s a whole year away, I really don’t understand why you’ve assumed a year in advance that nobody is going to bother that much, surely the fact you can see how people are behaving about weddings before yours demonstrates that they’ll do the same for you, nearer the time.

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