Wedding invite arguments

[Indella]

So stressed at the moment!

We’ve just sorted our guest list our after much debating and everyone is arguing about it now the invites have gone out.

I have an enormous family, 11 aunties, 7 uncles, 54 first cousins and if you include partners and children of those cousins there’s over 200 just from my family. Our venue holds 150.

We decided to invite my aunties and uncles but to only invite cousins that we see regularly and excluded anyone that hadn’t met my partner. We’ve been together 10 years so figured if they haven’t met my partner we are clearly not close enough to invite them.

That meant the final guest list ended up as:
17 joint close friends
17 work friends (8 mine and 9 my partners)
47 my partners family
62 my family

Now the invites have gone out I’ve had messages of my auntie asking why their children are not invited when another aunties children are, despite the ones that are invited living round the corner from me and seeing us at least weekly and the ones that are not invited live 100 miles away and I haven’t seen them since I was 15!

Some are complaining that my partner has invited all cousins and I haven’t. Complaining as my partner had invited cousins children and I haven’t. My partner has 4 cousins, there’s a big difference!

I’ve got people saying we should be inviting my extended family, including those I haven’t seen in 10+ years, over friends and close work colleagues that we see several time’s a week.

I had one cousin phone me while at the house of another cousin (who wasn’t invited) to ask if they can come and start arguing that 1 person isn’t bringing their invited partner so why can’t this cousin come instead. But then I would have more people complaining that I’ve allowed this and not allowed them all.

There have been snotty posts on Facebook saying that if you have a large family you shouldn’t be stupid enough to book a venue that can’t hold them all. So they expect me to not choose the venue we love and means a lot to us in order to accommodate people we never see! Plus we couldn’t afford everyone to come no matter the venue!

It’s such a nightmare I honestly feel like saying none of my family are now invited, except my immediate family, and then no one can argue. Surely they understand that in a big family it’s just not possible to invite them all.

The short answer is.. it's your wedding, invite who YOU want.

It's easier said than done sometimes when people start kicking off, but simply say - if you feel you need to - that it's based on who you see the most, as you only have limited space at the venue.

Smile, nod, ignore.
Focus on having the wedding you want.

I agree completely with your reasoning.

If they continue to argue could you just say no cousins on your side are invited at all?

Hopefully it won't get to that.

I had a similar issue, in fact I actually fell out with my parents and ended up paying for the wedding myself which meant I just invited immediate family and grandparents to the meal and then aunties and uncles to the evening reception. It worked for us but then my family's not too close.

If you don't see these people often then they can't really complain about not being invited. If it works for you just try and ignore them and move on. If that doesn't work do you have a reasonable relative you can explain the numbers and decisions to who can help pass the message on?

THat reminds me Of a wedding dh, dd, ds and I were invited to. The groom invited dh as they are good friends but didn’t invite cousins as he rarely sees them and would rather have people close to him celebrate his wedding day. His granny wasn’t happy and she made her thoughts and opinions very clear that day. It stressed the groom out but gave us a good giggle!

I had a similar scenario. I had to reduce the guest list to 40 in total across both families and friends.

I excluded anyone that hadn't met both of us and anyone that either of us hadn't seen for 2 years.

People like to be offended but no one has a right to attend your wedding.

Ignore.

On my side of the family, counting parents, siblings, nephews and nieces the total came to 1.

On DHs it came to 10.

And that's before we started adding in aunts, cousins, friends of parents etc. Unsurprisingly we had different rules for my family than for his. But we still got 'Can I invite Great Aunt Mavis who neither of you have ever met? - It's only fair as AnnaMagnani has got to invite COUSINS' and 'well, of course, it's one sided, AnnaMagnani should have had had a bigger family' - as if the recent death of one parent and my parents' infertility was something I was personally responsible for.

Smile and nod, smile and nod.

Just because they are family doesnt mean they should be invited if you never see them. You will have a much better time surrounded by your friends and family that you see regularly and love not people u barely know just because you're related. I cant believe people are rude enough to kick off. Weddings are expensive u can't possibly invite everyone xx

I’d be ok be tempted to answer them each with “I’m sorry you feel that way, but if you feel that you can’t come without your child/grandchild/family dog, I completely understand. If you could let me know if you are refusing my invite, as soon as possible so I can let the venue know, I’d much appreciate it. Thank you.”

I think a lot of It is generation thing.
In general weddings are Not the huge traditional eve rd they once were. When your aunties & uncles got married I bet most people didn't live together, guests bought gifts to set them up a house, and most people had around 150 guests. Times have have changed.
Stick to your guns op.

The problem is I’m literally being hounded with texts and phone calls about this and bad mouthed on Facebook by one auntie who I’ve now blocked to avoid seeing it. A cousin I’m very close to has messaged me and said she won’t be coming as she’s had people tell her not to go as they weren’t invited and she doesn’t want to fall out with them. My mum is the only people in my family who has confirmed she is coming so far as a result of all these arguments. My auntie has said on Facebook that she will disown anyone who comes as “if they agree with her children not being invited she doesn’t want them in her life”. It’s this kind of craziness that means I’m gonna end up with no one there. Everyone is acting like I’ve done something awful. I don’t understand why you would want to go to the wedding of someone you haven’t seen in 10 years just because you’re related. I’d hate that.

Your family sound awful. Good news if they’re excluding themselves as it will save you £

Ignore, you’ve done nothing wrong. They’re making themselves look batshit.

It is totally your wedding equally I think it could have been predicted it would go this way, eg you/your mum should have phoned your aunties before the invites went out to explain the position/you should have spoken directly to the cousins.

I would suggest you phone and say you are sad they can’t all be there but really struggled on numbers etc

Their behaviour seems unproportionate, I do get they would be annoyed but their behaviour seems pretty extreme.

They all sound vile. Be thankful that they aren't going to come.

If they are ridiculous enough to decline because some other relative tells them to then it is no loss. Are they 12?

Have people that you like there.
Go small and save the money for yourselves.

Let the dust settle and meanwhile don't respond to any messages. Come off FB etc for a while. If they all decline the invite then downscale your plans and use the money saved to have a fab honeymoon. Life is too short to have to deal with that sort of crazy.

I'd take it as an opportunity to block and cull some shitty people from your life. Focus on those that treat you well whether they are family or not.

It's your wedding so your choice. If people haven't seen you in 10 years, why do you have to pay for them?!! It annoys me... at the end of the day you cannot please everyone and it's your day. If hardly anyone turns up, more room for friends and DHs family who you would want there but couldn't ask of numbers.

It's your day and your money!!

Your wedding, your choice.
I would be ruthless and cancel invites to anyone making a fuss. Do you really want these people drunk and kicking off at your wedding?

Sandals, Barbados all inclusive includes the cost of your wedding, for the cost of the venue you could probably take the two of you, your parents and a couple of friends. Leave them all to bitch about you while you chill on the beach.

Hope they all settle down and you have a wonderful day, it’s probably just 1 aunt stirring it all up.

Don't sweat it OP. Use the money saved to have an awesome honeymoon.

Honestly they seem absolutely mental - why on earth would anyone wanna go to a wedding (and have to spend money on a wedding present!) for someone they haven't seen for years?!

I understand how hard it is. I did the same thing and many of my cousins and aunts refused to come. Dh mum didnt come either cause she was upset that all the aunts and uncles weren't invited. So we just said we understand that they feel that way. Thats its. Nothing else and we had a great day with the people that wanted to be there. People get very entitled for some reason but ignore and stick to who you want there!

Your family want to use your wedding to catch up with extended family... not to actually celebrate your marriage. They want you to pay and organise for their catch up. Quite honestly, fuck that! If there are less people you can have a smaller intimate wedding... hire a castle for the weekend for 30 people (or however many you want) have a chef to cook, have some entertainment/band. Don’t pander to the cf’s ... think bigger about your celebration as you have to cater for a smaller number

I think your reasoning for who was invited is very fair and reasonable.

You have been with your fiancé for a long time yet some of your cousins haven't been in your life enough to meet them. Why do they then feel entitled to an invite to the wedding?

I wasn't invited to my cousins wedding for the same reason. Totally get why and wasn't bothered in the slightest.

You should invite who you want to be there, not who you are expected to invite.