Wedding invite arguments

[Indella]

So stressed at the moment!

We’ve just sorted our guest list our after much debating and everyone is arguing about it now the invites have gone out.

I have an enormous family, 11 aunties, 7 uncles, 54 first cousins and if you include partners and children of those cousins there’s over 200 just from my family. Our venue holds 150.

We decided to invite my aunties and uncles but to only invite cousins that we see regularly and excluded anyone that hadn’t met my partner. We’ve been together 10 years so figured if they haven’t met my partner we are clearly not close enough to invite them.

That meant the final guest list ended up as:
17 joint close friends
17 work friends (8 mine and 9 my partners)
47 my partners family
62 my family

Now the invites have gone out I’ve had messages of my auntie asking why their children are not invited when another aunties children are, despite the ones that are invited living round the corner from me and seeing us at least weekly and the ones that are not invited live 100 miles away and I haven’t seen them since I was 15!

Some are complaining that my partner has invited all cousins and I haven’t. Complaining as my partner had invited cousins children and I haven’t. My partner has 4 cousins, there’s a big difference!

I’ve got people saying we should be inviting my extended family, including those I haven’t seen in 10+ years, over friends and close work colleagues that we see several time’s a week.

I had one cousin phone me while at the house of another cousin (who wasn’t invited) to ask if they can come and start arguing that 1 person isn’t bringing their invited partner so why can’t this cousin come instead. But then I would have more people complaining that I’ve allowed this and not allowed them all.

There have been snotty posts on Facebook saying that if you have a large family you shouldn’t be stupid enough to book a venue that can’t hold them all. So they expect me to not choose the venue we love and means a lot to us in order to accommodate people we never see! Plus we couldn’t afford everyone to come no matter the venue!

It’s such a nightmare I honestly feel like saying none of my family are now invited, except my immediate family, and then no one can argue. Surely they understand that in a big family it’s just not possible to invite them all.

On the upside, at least you know you've not been missing out on close relationships with great people.

I know it's hard, but fuck em. Anyone who kicks off like this is a) not someone you want/need in your life and b) probably a bit unstable.

If you end up with fewer people then you have the option of inviting extra friends, saving money or putting some cash behind the bar for the reception. None of these are negative. Enjoy your wedding.

I would rewrite it and invited friends first, then very close family and fuck everyone else.

I think they've made it clear why they didn't deserve an invitation.

It's really unfortunate that the cousins who were invited now feel that they dare not attend though.

We did something similar and caused a family fall out, my Aunt and my Dad have barely spoken for 20 years now following my decision to invite my cousins in the evening only which offended my aunt. None of the family attended. Prior to the wedding my cousins hadn’t met my DH and, honestly, I wasn’t sure I would even recognise them if I passed them in the street.

The consequences are very sad so I kind of regret the rift we started but I still think the guest list decision was right at the time & it was my aunt’s response that was unreasonable.

My auntie has said on Facebook that she will disown anyone who comes as “if they agree with her children not being invited she doesn’t want them in her life”

I would post "This is blackmail. Please do not threaten other members of my family simply because I haven't invited people who I've not seen for ten years"

Hmm, I can see both sides of this tbh. You tend to move on from the friends that you invite to your wedding as life moves on, so I can see why family would be miffed that you'd invited work colleagues over them. They probably don't know quite who you have invited, just not their children!

If you have 200 family and the venue holds less than that though, it was never going to go well really!

I'd let things calm down for a couple of weeks then send an email/text to every single family member saying exactly the same thing.

Making it clear you've made decisions based on closeness of relationships and these decisions are final.

Don't apologise and make it clear that you will not accept any more emotional blackmail and threats and no-one else should either.

Then say if this behaviour continues then everyone will be uninvited.

I did similar to you as I also have a massive family. One aunt and uncle were invited and a handful of cousins. To have everyone there would have meant having hundreds of people who I don't ever see (and don't really like much). I don't know how many children my cousins and their children have but there's probably shitloads.

No-one said anything to me but I'm sure there were 'opinions' shared. Fuck them, half of them wouldn't know me if I passed them on the street.

I'm so sorry, your family sound awful.

@ChicCroissant with the exception of a couple of people I am still friends with everyone that was at my wedding.

I'm still not in touch with those members of my family who weren't invited.

Oh dear!
If I were you, I'd send ever family member an open letter as follows:
Dear family
It would appear that some family members are unhappy about how we have selected who to invite to our forthcoming wedding. This has resulted in threats being made both privately and on social media. I'm sure you'll all agree that this is unacceptable. We would like to clarify, we have limited numbers and limited funds so are not able to invite the whole extended family. We chose those family members who we see on a very regular basis. Obviously, we really want people who want to share our day with us to attend. As a result, we now would like everyone to confirm in writing by the end of the month whether you intend to attend or not. If people are unable or unwilling to attend, then we may be able to offer their invites to others who we were unable to accommodate first time round.
Love Bride and Groom x

Well I have been married a long time, and one of my bridesmaids is now transatlantic - but I still see my family more than the friends that were there and a lot of them are more scattered than we were then. I've attended two family parties late last year for example, with relatives who were at my wedding (and some that were not).

The OP is talking about cousins she doesn't see often (if at all, by the sound of it) so I do see her point. But IME the family bonds do last longer than friends who move about and change jobs. But every family is different.

You tend to move on from the friends that you invite to your wedding as life moves on, so I can see why family would be miffed that you'd invited work colleagues over them. They probably don't know quite who you have invited, just not their children
But she hasn't seen aimée of these cousins in over a decade, clearly their lives have also moved on. My best friend is someone from work, she was my bridesmaid, my kids call her Aunty. She had much more relevance in my life than the cousins who are 15 years older than me living on the other side of the country

If you have 200 family and the venue holds less than that though, it was never going to go well really! what's the option to? If there's 200 on each side plus 100 shared friends, op has to find a venue that agonists 500 people because people who are basically strangers want a free feed??

Oh OP!

FWIW I’ve been there. DH and I got married last spring.

Its your day, you can do what you like
^This mantra will be repeated at you over and over again by pretty much everybody not directly linked to planning your wedding and it’s not wrong but is does not mean you are free of the consequences!!

They should say, It’s your day, you can do what you like...but you’ll have to deal with the consequences as people are fully entitled to their own feelings and opinions on how you treat them/their loved ones

Brides and grooms are not automatically right and anyone who takes offence/disagrees with them wrong! If you genuinely wanted to escape social propriety/family obligation you could have eloped.
If you choose to stay and do a ‘big event’ then cherry picking between cousins/relatives will always cause offence!!!

Are you one of the first out of cousins/siblings to get married? Im just wondering if they felt a precedent has previously been set.

Honest to God, I'd probably let your aunt know she's no longer welcome, tell your close cousin you're really sad but understand (and hopes she understands your predicament in return) and I would also be looking for some support from your parents on this one in terms of putting out these comments/attacks as they occur. Have your parents had a word with any of their siblings to explain why some are invited and others are not? Have you?

I’d either send a letter, or post on Facebook (before removing yourself for a bit) your perfectly sensible reasons for why you could only invite certain family members. Say you’re upset, and quite frankly a little disgusted, that certain family members are trying to blackmail others into declining their invitations, but understand that some people feel too threatened to accept and you won’t be falling out with anyone.

Then leave them to it and let the dust settle. It all sounds crazy!

Your family sound awful.
I invited all my cousins (but I'm the rest so was seeing them all quite regularly) but DH only invited cousins he actually knew (he's the youngest).
Some of my cousins invited me, others didn't depending on numbers. I totally understood.
One invited me and DH but not children - we couldn't attend as we had a new baby and only my family members could look after him (dh's were away) and they were at the wedding. We totally understood - I went to the ceremony with my (very quiet) older child so that I saw the important bit.
Weddings are about the two people getting married - and as many of the people who love them WHO THEY WANT THERE celebrating with them.
Not about big parties

and family reunions.

I think it’s insane.

At my wedding I invited all my aunts and uncles but couldn’t invite all my cousins and their kids so I only invited the cousins that I have spoken to in the last 12 months.
My aunts and uncles said nothing and everyone had a good time. I’m assuming they realised that having to invite my cousins, their partners, their kids etc was adding too many guests.

Incidentally I wasn’t invited to my cousins weddings either as I don’t really see them and it hasn’t bothered me in the slightest. I don’t see why you would want to go to the wedding of someone you don’t know.

I’d just leave it as it is and if it gets closer to the time and they’re not coming then you can save the money for something else. I wouldn’t want them there now as you can now see from their attitude they are going to the the ones getting blind drunk and causing trouble.

Dear family
It would appear that some family members are unhappy about how we have selected who to invite to our forthcoming wedding. This has resulted in threats being made both privately and on social media. I'm sure you'll all agree that this is unacceptable. We would like to clarify, we have limited numbers and limited funds so are not able to invite the whole extended family . We chose those family members who we see on a very regular basis.

Yes. That's perfect. I'd add after "whole extended family..." ...which would be 200 people just on my side. I'm sure you understand that catering for those, plus friends, plus my fiancees extended family, is just not feasible.

Tell them all to sod off. It is YOUR wedding.

Ignore them, that's a ridiculous number of people to pay for. If I remarry I won't be inviting any aunts or cousins!

I would post a message on social media and send it via text to everyone. What @saraclara out is perfect but I would add a note saying that fact that people are sending threats shows you made the right decision. Why have people at your wedding who treat you like this?

Do not pander to them. You do not have to justify or explain your guest list to anyone. Ignore any questions about who you have invited - block anyone who is hounding you. If your aunts/uncles are kicking up a stink then tell them they are no longer welcome to attend. I wouldn't hesitate to cut them all off the list and invite more of your friends instead.

Much much smaller wedding but I didn't invite my aunt,uncle and cousins and they awkwardly assumed they were coming until my poor mum put them straight.It was my second wedding and I only wanted literally nearest and dearest there.I never saw them but they came to the first.Just do what you want.

I'm thinking eloping sounds like a fabulous plan!
How ridiculous for them to act this way, why should you invite people you don't see.