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Original poster

Sad but am I being silly?

74 replies

Watto1 · 21/03/2019 18:01

An old friend is getting married in August. I’ve known her for over 20 years. Life has taken us to opposite ends of the country but we see each other approx once per year. She got engaged 2 years ago and she sent me a save the date before Christmas. I’m going on her hen weekend in July which is basically a piss up in Amsterdam. Totally not my cup of tea and expensive but I’m going for her. We’ve been chatting loads about her wedding plans.

The wedding invitation arrived a few days ago. It’s just for the evening do. I’m really upset. Not sure I can be bothered going 400 miles for just an evening do, not to mention the expense of the hotel/fuel/present/outfit. Also seriously considering not going to the hen. I’ll lose the money I’ve spent so far but at least I won’t have to fork out on spending money! Don’t know why I’m posting really. Just need to offload. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Grace212 · 21/03/2019 18:38

I understand you are upset that she doesn't feel you are that close.

I wouldn't be angry but I would certainly not go. 400 miles for the evening do is mad and also being invited to the hen and not the main thing is wrong IMHO.

pootyisabadcat · 21/03/2019 18:40

There's really no need for drama. Just message to pull out of the hen asap. 'Unfortunately, I'm no longer going to be able to attend this. I hope you all have a lovely time. xxOP'. Then wait and a week or so from now, decline the poxy evening do invitation. It's got an RSVP card. That makes it easy! You just send it back with a decline. Job done. She's the one who should feel guilty. Just send her a card and a bottle of fizz online, Moonpig style. The end.

ChicCroissant · 21/03/2019 18:44

Is she getting married where you used to live OP, do you have family there you can stay with or does it have to be the hotel option?

It does sound like a lot of expense tbh.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 21/03/2019 18:48

Just be honest and say 400 miles to just spend the evening with her isn't really doable then if it's a mistake she'll tell you

AutumnCrow · 21/03/2019 18:48

I suspect, because I'm older and wiser now, that is pull out and tell her the truth.

AutumnCrow · 21/03/2019 18:49

I'd

CaseofEllen · 21/03/2019 18:49

I think you are BU to expect to be invited to the whole wedding. I wouldn't have expected anything until I actually received the invitation however, I would just politely decline and tell her that 400 miles for the evening isn't doable for you and wish her well.

Drum2018 · 21/03/2019 18:54

I think you are BU to expect to be invited to the whole wedding. I wouldn't have expected anything until I actually received the invitation

It's pretty reasonable to expect an invite to the wedding after receiving a save the date notice and being invited to the hen.

I'd also decline. She doesn't value your friendship enough to warrant you spending a few hundred on hen and evening do.

Shakeitoutnow · 21/03/2019 18:55

I would still go. I had people at my hen weekend who I only invited at night. The venue only had so much space.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/03/2019 19:00

“I think you are BU to expect to be invited to the whole wedding.”

I would think that someone who is seen as close enough of a friend to attend a hen weekend abroad shoudl DEFINITELY expect an invite to the actual event the hen weekend is supposed to be preparing for!

OP, I can understand you feeling hurt. Don’t go to the hen as you could well be the only one there who isn’t invited to the wedding. It would just be weird if they all talk about it and yku’ll Feel like your back at school being left out if something.

I take it there definitely IS a Daytime ceremony with guests though? It’s not a teeny private one with just 2 witnesses and then the main event with all the other guests is actually the evening party?

Mumsymumphy · 21/03/2019 19:02

400 miles to an evening do?! Hell no! Nope nope no.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/03/2019 19:03

“I had people at my hen weekend who I only invited at night.”

That’s just odd and not the done thing at all. Surely the attendees at your hen party are supposed to be your nearest and dearest, not B list hangers on?

Or is that now how it’s done anymore?

Charley50 · 21/03/2019 19:07

I remember travelling 200 miles to an evening do. It was pretty crap as everyone was already pissed etc, and starting to flag and it just felt like being at the end of a wedding. I would decline.
Not sure about the hen do. Will you know others on it? Are you sure you won't enjoy it, seeing as you've spent money on it already?

ShinyRuby · 21/03/2019 19:09

That's pretty hurtful. You've already said the hen w/e wasn't your scene so definitely give that a miss. You were prepared to go to support your friend but she's shown how much she values you by only inviting you to the evening do. No way should you travel 400 miles for that! Who cares how it looks? Spend the money you save on yourself.

itshappened · 21/03/2019 19:14

That's so biazarre that someone invited to your hen do, wouldn't be invited to be part of the whole day at the wedding; and that's without the 400 miles of travelling! Hen dos are for your closest friends and so they are also viewed as being an integral part of your big day. I think this is hugely thoughtless, and unless it's only immediate family and wedding party attending the ceremony, then really it's inexcusable. Do you feel like you could ask her about it?

ferrier · 21/03/2019 19:22

I'm so pleased to see the majority of replies here.
I was quite puzzled/disappointed when a close friend told me to save the date, then sent a save the date card and an invitation to the hen do, only to find out it was just the evening do I was invited to.
I get that the main reception is expensive, but don't sent a save the date card if you're not going to invite to the whole date. Especially when you're asking someone to fork out for a hen do.

grumpyyetgorgeous · 21/03/2019 19:25

Weird, I got invited to the hen do if a (I thought) very close friend then didn't invite me to her wedding AT ALL. It was really awkward when people at the hen were saying "see you at the wedding" and I was thinking "nope, you won't"

She text me a couple of weeks before hand saying did I want to come?

I didn't!

Grace212 · 21/03/2019 19:29

20 years ago, before I knew how these things go, I was invited to a hen do and then not the whole wedding. But the hen do was in London and easy for me to get to, so I could sort of see the logic.

however, a hen do abroad and then an evening invite would be bad enough - but 400 miles away?

I did have one friend tell me "weddings are political" and "sometimes you only invite people to the evening do because they won't be offended, whereas Great Uncle James would be furious". But then don't expect someone to fork out for a hen do abroad - and also OP says her friend has been chatting a lot about the wedding.

strange all round.

pootyisabadcat · 21/03/2019 19:32

Sounds like inviting you to the hen do is about making up numbers to pay for the bride and her piss up and actually inviting you to the wedding is an afterthought and a tout for a gift. No sense in throwing good money after bad. There's no way to enjoy the hen do now, which wasn't your cup of tea anyhow.

Throughabushbackwards · 21/03/2019 19:49

No, you are not being silly. I'm my mind, evening only invites should only go to people like work colleagues and local friends/acquaintances who might like to pop in to celebrate.

Asking someone who you have been close to fro many years to drive the length of the country for an evening do is really very thoughtless.

Shakeitoutnow · 21/03/2019 20:05

@CurlyhairedAssasin
I don't think there are any laws about who should be invited to a hen do
All the attendees seemed happy to be there and I am confident they alao enjoyed my wedding reception. We are all still friends!

NataliaOsipova · 21/03/2019 20:08

This happened to me (minus the hen do, actually). And I declined. Not huffily, just with a “so sorry, can’t make it” polite reply.

ColouringPencils · 21/03/2019 20:14

I wouldn't back out of the hen do as I would feel a bit petty. Can you send her a message saying thanks for the invite. Can you be honest with her and say you need to think about it as its a really long way for an evening do? I would try to be nice and reasonable, if you want to stay friends.

ConfCall · 21/03/2019 20:17

Cheeky devil! Tomorrow, message "I can no longer make Amsterdam but have a fab time, I can't wait to see the pics on Facebook blah blah". Then, politely decline the B List invitation in a couple of weeks' time by RSVP. If she asks why, say it's too far but not in a way that makes it look as if you're angling for a proper invitation.

Charley50 · 21/03/2019 20:30

Maybe you and DH can go to Amsterdam instead.

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