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Original poster

Sad but am I being silly?

74 replies

Watto1 · 21/03/2019 18:01

An old friend is getting married in August. I’ve known her for over 20 years. Life has taken us to opposite ends of the country but we see each other approx once per year. She got engaged 2 years ago and she sent me a save the date before Christmas. I’m going on her hen weekend in July which is basically a piss up in Amsterdam. Totally not my cup of tea and expensive but I’m going for her. We’ve been chatting loads about her wedding plans.

The wedding invitation arrived a few days ago. It’s just for the evening do. I’m really upset. Not sure I can be bothered going 400 miles for just an evening do, not to mention the expense of the hotel/fuel/present/outfit. Also seriously considering not going to the hen. I’ll lose the money I’ve spent so far but at least I won’t have to fork out on spending money! Don’t know why I’m posting really. Just need to offload. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

sagradafamiliar · 21/03/2019 20:39

From her viewpoint, you're a friend she sees once a year. Numbers are limited, budgets are stretched, family members must be accommodated. And a trip away would be more relaxed and fun. I'd go to the hen for the laugh then decline the wedding invite based on time/expense/travel unless she made a mistake.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 25/03/2019 19:45

I was going to say what sagradafamiliar said.
I also wonder if she felt it polite to offer day guests a plus one which if she didn’t know yours or have sufficient numbers she couldn’t do.
I wouldn’t bother going to the evening do but I’d be well up for a weekend hen do.
Unfortunately it’s not your thing so I wouldn’t bother. Send a card and a gift, wish her well and say it’s all bit too expensive at the moment. As a bride it’s nice to know people’s thinking ...it’s a massive thing to organise a wedding, often with zero experience. I don’t think people mean to be rude or ungrateful or unthinking, it’s just too complicated logistically to cover all the bases.

vincettenoir · 25/03/2019 21:01

Yes I can understand that this is disappointing. Go ahead in whatever way you think will work out best for you.

CurbsideProphet · 26/03/2019 12:34

You must feel disappointed, but it's so difficult to balance the guest list. If the bride and groom have friends who they see every week, or they both have large families, then they will be making very tricky decisions about invitations. It's not always the mumsnet classic "only have the wedding you can afford". For example, we can afford 90 guests in the day and 30 extra for the night, but now we're in our 30s most of our friends / cousins / siblings have a plus 1. That's taken up a lot of invites without trying to factor in everyone else!

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2019 12:39

Swerve the wedding and hen do? This is why people end up lonely with no friends,

I see nothing wrong with an evening invite, and much prefer it if I'm honest, weddings can be long days.

It's possible due to number constraints the wedding breakfast itself is all about the extended family and friends in the evening.

I can't imagine taking offence at this, nor effectively ending a friendship over it, but on mumsnet I understand people don't like evening invites and will end a friendship and urge others to do so at the very first opportunity.

AllTheFours44 · 26/03/2019 12:39

I’d give the whole thing a swerve, OP. Evening invites expose the pecking order of ones friendships. I think they’re rude full stop. I feel that if I’m not a good enough friend to be invited to the whole day, then I certainly wouldn’t put myself out to attend.

A hen in Amsterdam and a 400 mile trip for someone who considers me on her subs bench? Nope.

IncrediblySadToo · 26/03/2019 12:50

There are no rules on invitations to hen parties and evenings only...

...but there are such things as manners! You do not invite an old friend of 20 years to the evening only, unless the day is only for parents/siblings and everyone else is coming for a party in the evening. Even then, I’d make an old friend travelling that far an exception and invite them to the full day.

I’m sorry she’s been this hurtful, it stings to realise someone doesn’t feel the same way about you, as you feel about them. If it was a very small, parents only type wedding, the very least she could have done was call & explain, but it doesn’t sound that small anyway.

Chlo1674 · 26/03/2019 13:00

I would feel very hurt by this and would consider not going (to the hen or the evening do). She wants you to fork out a lot of money for the hen do and yet she hasn’t even invited you to the actual ceremony. It’s very rude.

thecatsthecats · 26/03/2019 15:22

That’s just odd and not the done thing at all. Surely the attendees at your hen party are supposed to be your nearest and dearest, not B list hangers on?

Or is that now how it’s done anymore?

Answering purely for my social groups... the 'done' thing is usually actually a home and away do. The Away do for the very best friends. The Home do for all and sundry, day and evening (and usually a fair contingent of the family too).

I bucked that trend personally and had one single Home do, including one evening guest. Really lovely girl who I'm not very close to but is part of the main group, and who was actually very happy to be an evening guest so she could go to a spa during the day near the venue rather than my wedding

CurbsideProphet · 26/03/2019 16:48

@IncrediblySadToo they're friends of 20 years, but only see each other once a year. What about the friends the bride sees every week?

If the OP doesn't want to travel for just the evening then she can call the friend and tell her it's too much of a journey for a few hours.

IncrediblySadToo · 26/03/2019 22:30

curbside the friends she sees every week aren’t going to be travelling 400 miles to be there. I don’t measure the depth of my friendship by how many times a year I see someone either.

IncrediblySadToo · 26/03/2019 22:32

If the OP doesn't want to travel for just the evening then she can call the friend and tell her it's too much of a journey for a few hours

Yes. She knows she can do that. It doesn’t stop her feeling hurt that she’s only invited to the evening do.

alonerinlona · 27/03/2019 08:33

I was once invited to an evening so..... in Spain!!!
"Well you can make a holiday out of it!"

ODFOD

alonerinlona · 27/03/2019 08:33

*do

CurbsideProphet · 27/03/2019 13:14

I'm getting married this year and there are so many people to keep happy / relationships and friendships to manage. It's not possible to keep everyone happy. The bride and groom maybe felt they couldn't invite the OP and her plus 1 to the full day over family and friends who they see regularly. Maybe the bride really wants the OP there all day and is really embarrassed and upset that she has had to compromise and give an evening invite.

Lilypad15 · 27/03/2019 23:19

I have a couple of friends I’ve known for a very long time and see maybe once or twice a year that I’m only inviting to the evening. We are only really having very close friends and family for the daytime. BUT the venue we’ve chosen is just less than an hour away. I don’t think I would travel 400 miles JUST for an evening do

MumUnderTheMoon · 27/03/2019 23:37

Who else is invited to the ceremony? Maybe they are only having immediate family and everyone else to the evening celebration?

SeventhWave · 27/03/2019 23:38

Wild horses wouldn't drag me 400 miles just for an evening invitation, stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Ilady · 28/03/2019 00:31

You not being silly. You have known her for 20 years. As a friend you were willing to go on a hen weekend to Amsterdam and help fund her weekend. After this she sends you an evening invite despite the fact you live 400 miles away. I have be honest she is being a checky mare. To me a evening wedding invite is one you give to people you know say in work who live near the venue. It's not the invite you give to a friend of 20 years who's lives 400 miles away. At this stage I would say that you can't attend the hen and decline the evening invite. I knew you might lose the cost of the flight and accommodation but at least you won't be subbing her weekend. I would not be in any hurry getting her a wedding present either. Let her other friends help pay the cost of the wedding.

Lochroy · 01/04/2019 22:50

Wondering what the OP chose to do? If still go to the hen but skip the evening do.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 01/04/2019 23:29

Goes to show you can’t win with weddings.

QUIZ!
Bride has only got room/ budget for family and her closet friends for the ceremony and meal. So MN does she :

a) Include her old friend by inviting her to fun Hen Do and evening do?
No. Bride is being grabby and rude. Ditch the so called “friend”

b) Not invite the friend of 20 years because she lives 400 miles away and it won’t be worth the journey
No. Bride is being selfish and rude . Ditch the so called “friend”,

c) Go over budget and the old friend and possibly her plus one.
No. Bride is being grabby and selfish. It’s going to cost friend a fortune what with the hen do abroad travel and hotels and they obviously only want you for the gift. And to show off at their big wedding. Small weddings are much nicer you know....

ChicCroissant · 02/04/2019 09:41

Or the bride could

(a) decide on the guest list
pick a venue that can take all the people on the guest list and is within their budget

ChicCroissant · 02/04/2019 09:42

Rather than pick the venue and then cut down the guest list to suit the venue - that always seems a very odd way of doing it to me!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 02/04/2019 20:55

ChicCrossiant
I’m sure most do actually start with the guest list.

And then realise that there aren’t that many options for venues and those there are are booked up and then those quote you for the catering and you factor in transport and it’s back to square 1.

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