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Original poster

Sad but am I being silly?

74 replies

Watto1 · 21/03/2019 18:01

An old friend is getting married in August. I’ve known her for over 20 years. Life has taken us to opposite ends of the country but we see each other approx once per year. She got engaged 2 years ago and she sent me a save the date before Christmas. I’m going on her hen weekend in July which is basically a piss up in Amsterdam. Totally not my cup of tea and expensive but I’m going for her. We’ve been chatting loads about her wedding plans.

The wedding invitation arrived a few days ago. It’s just for the evening do. I’m really upset. Not sure I can be bothered going 400 miles for just an evening do, not to mention the expense of the hotel/fuel/present/outfit. Also seriously considering not going to the hen. I’ll lose the money I’ve spent so far but at least I won’t have to fork out on spending money! Don’t know why I’m posting really. Just need to offload. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
feelingsinister · 21/03/2019 18:05

Generally I wouldn't be bothered by an evening only invitation but I'd expect to be there for the whole day if I was travelling that far. I don't blame you for not going.

PerspicaciaTick · 21/03/2019 18:06

Of course it is OK to feel sad. Unless the ceremony is completely tiny it is very peculiar to tell friends that they are close enough to come to the hen party but not close enough to be invited to the ceremony.

Original poster
Watto1 · 21/03/2019 18:07

That’s what I think. Incidentally, she came to the whole of my wedding! Our only evening guests were a few work colleagues who lived locally. Wouldn’t have dreamed of giving evening only invitations to people travelling long distance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Watto1 · 21/03/2019 18:09

It’s a medium sized wedding I suppose. Looks like we’re just not as close as I thought we wereSad.

OP posts:
LizB62A · 21/03/2019 18:10

It's only an invitation, not an order - if you don't want to go, don't go.

TBH I'd expect an invite to the whole day if I was travelling 400 miles (never mind shelling out for the hen weekend as well!)

Xyzzzzz · 21/03/2019 18:10

I don’t blame you for feeling sad. I think I would too especially to travel 400 miles for an evening party.

How much money would you lose?

Babysharkdododont · 21/03/2019 18:10

I think it would be fine to not go to the evening do, and to tell her why.
I'd also not be spending hundreds on a weekend piss up to make someone else happy - especially as she doesn't seem to value the relationship as much as you do.

Original poster
Watto1 · 21/03/2019 18:14

I’m 99% certain I’m going to give the hen and the evening do a serve. Going to sleep on it.

OP posts:
fattylawmaker · 21/03/2019 18:15

I’m in a very similar situation with my childhood best friend who I thought I was still fairly close to. She is godmother to my DS (now 24) and she is getting married this year. Myself & DH have an evening only invite & the DC (both grown up) are not invited at all.

I haven’t decided what to do yet, but like you I’m wondering about not going & also avoiding the hen. The two events will cost me ££ and I’m not keen on spending all that when I’m not even going to the actual wedding!

GoGoGadgetGin · 21/03/2019 18:17

How much have you spent on hen and can you get any of it back?

CatGoals · 21/03/2019 18:17

In my circle if you go on the hen then you are definitely an all day guest!

Very rude.

nzeire · 21/03/2019 18:17

You have every right to feel sad. However, if you don’t go to the hen weekend or evening do, you will look petty. Realise it’s not the friendship it was once, go to Amsterdam and enjoy it, make a long weekend of the wedding and use something else as the point of the weekend, just bonus of a party while you’re there
Relationships move and change, you were just on the back foot for this
I think it’s bloody rude btw

GetStrongKeepFighting · 21/03/2019 18:21

It sounds like you were putting yourself out for the hen do as she's a very important friend. Appears she doesn't feel the same about you so cancel the hen with zero guilt.

Awrite · 21/03/2019 18:22

There's no way I'd travel 400 miles for an evening invitation. No chance. Cheeky, entitled fucker behaviour.

Has she no self awareness?

As for the hen ... much as I love Amsterdam, as it will all be about the wedding - I can see why you'd pull out.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 21/03/2019 18:25

I don't think you'd look petty and that is only someone else's opinion. OP do you care if you look petty to anyone?

Chocolateisfab · 21/03/2019 18:25

Have a night out with your dh and remember your big day instead. . Send a card.
An empty one.

RaffertyFair · 21/03/2019 18:27

I have no problem with evening invitations per se but it is not ok to issue one for a guest who lives at the other end of the country!

Gottalovesummer · 21/03/2019 18:30

Very odd to invite you to the hen weekend but not to the wedding. Is it a really small wedding?

In your shoes, I wouldn't go to the hen weekend, but possibly the evening reception if I wanted to keep the friendship.

knitandpearl · 21/03/2019 18:31

Could it be a mistake?
I think tbh I'd just be honest and ask her politely if she realises what she's asking (as it is unusual!)

pootyisabadcat · 21/03/2019 18:31

The wedding invitation arrived a few days ago. It’s just for the evening do. I’m really upset. Not sure I can be bothered going 400 miles for just an evening do, not to mention the expense of the hotel/fuel/present/outfit. Also seriously considering not going to the hen. I’ll lose the money I’ve spent so far but at least I won’t have to fork out on spending money! Don’t know why I’m posting really. Just need to offload. Thanks for reading.

Back out! I'd never have agreed to such an expensive hen anyway but honestly, she's just included you to make up numbers and help pay her way.

There is zero way I'd travel 400 miles for an evening do! Just none. Really don't get why everyone seems to need an entirely new outfit for every wedding, but expecting people to travel that far for an evening do and also give them cash or a gift is staggeringly rude.

Do NOT feel guilty! Just tell her something's come up and unfortunately you need to withdraw from the hen and do it now before it gets any later. No big excuses.

Then decline the wedding.

I wouldn't send her any money, too (these people always ask people to hand them cash as a gift).

bowchicawowwow · 21/03/2019 18:33

It's really odd to invite someone to a hen holiday and not the whole wedding too. What was she thinking? I wouldn't go to either.

dontfluffthefluffer · 21/03/2019 18:35

What @pootyisabadcat says, no drama decline the wedding in a week or two after you've pulled out of the hen weekend.

It's a very big ask for an evening do.

pootyisabadcat · 21/03/2019 18:35

You have every right to feel sad. However, if you don’t go to the hen weekend or evening do, you will look petty.

What's petty is expecting someone to spunk hundreds of pounds on her hen and then the evening do. And who cares if it 'looks petty'? If the friendship has moved on then why on Earth would you throw good money after bad to keep it going when you could do something else with the cash? How fun is a hen weekend going to be with a bunch of cows all talking about the wedding?

You just enable rude people like this bride by capitulating to this kind of behaviour.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/03/2019 18:36

Yeh swerve anything further to do with this wedding

Banhaha · 21/03/2019 18:37

I only sent save the dates to people invited to the whole day. Seems a bit off to ask someone to save the date if it's just the evening that needs saving. Could you say the travelling a bit much for the evening but ask her to let you know if any space is available for the day?