Am I mean to consider a child free wedding?

[cinemalover]

The thought just came to me, my partner and I have been together 2 years, lived together for over a year and 6 months, not engaged yet but have been discussing what we'd like as a wedding.

We want small- maybe registry office then dinner afterwards. Or a slightly larger venue wedding (max £3000).

We don't have a tonne of family we want to invite (probably 50-60 people max) and I don't see the point in inviting random family members I see once or twice a year and have no other relationship with!

I've just realised though that I would want a child free wedding.
3 of my cousins have children, one has ADHD and is a fucking nightmare, never listening, ruins family occasions etc as the mother has always given into him and leaves him with my aunt and uncle so she can go out at night and doesn't collect him till the next evening.

Another are a pair of brothers, both absolute nightmares and again, allowed to run riot at family occasions (this time whilst the parents smoke and drink)- the toddler escaped out the garden one day and a guest coming to the party brought him back saying he'd found him wandering around in the street outside the house!

Third one isn't born yet but my cousins GF is pregnant, due in June.

(I'm 20 & my partner is 35 for reference).

Is it unreasonable to ban children under a certain age for this reason? I have a 13 year old cousin whom I love and would love to be there, more than happy to have her!

I know they'd be older by the time I get married but honestly I hate them😅 the parents are fine and I've always gotten along with them but their kids I just can't stand. (Ages of all kids currently- 8, 6, 3).

Also wouldn't do plus ones as that gets expensive and I wouldn't want people I don't know there

It’s fine just expect people to turn down the offer.
Not everyone has childcare and it can end up being a massive cost.

Also don’t sell it as an opportunity to ‘let their hair down’. Honestly, if I had the opportunity for a child free weekend I wouldn’t be going to a wedding i’d be off on a mini break!

What’s wrong with the ‘so parents can let their hair down’ reason for not inviting children?

Because that sounds like you're doing them a favour and they're just too stupid to 'let their hair down' without your precious wedding. Just say no kids and be done with it as long as you don't get your arse out of kilter if people decline.

aethelgifu
I agree. Couples can make whatever choice they like regarding children at weddings, but it's silly to pretend that it's a favour to their friends.
Transfer it to another situation: hey guys, so it's granddad's retirement party. We've picked the best venue for it, just 2 hours from where most of you live but it's ok because we get 5% discount on £130 a night rooms. And what's even better is It's adults only so you can have a glass of wine and let your hair down. So get yourself childcare for 2 days, spend 4 hours travelling and enjoy a weekend away treat

I totally agree with ragwort :

I wouldn’t be focusing on the wedding, I would be really asking myself, if as a 20 year old student, is it really the right time to be getting married to a 35 year old? I would strongly recommend you wait a few years.

Your posts come across as if you are terribly immature. Obviously I don't know you- it may just be your writing style, but I'd say you are being very premature in worrying about who you might, or might not invite to a theoretical wedding, which might or might not happpen 4 years down the line.
Most people change a lot from their teens to late 20s.
You might still want to marry this partner.
You might still want the same sort of wedding you think you would like if you got married this year.
Or, you might have a different financial position.
You might have other small children you've formed a more positive relationship with.
You might actually like your work colleagues and have made friends with some of them.
There are so many "mights" that could change over the next 4 years or more, this is a bit of a pointless thread.

cinemalover sorry I wasn’t being judgey but trying to be realistic.
You are 20. You haven’t had a chance to really do anything in life. And you want to be forever tied to someone whose had fifteen years extra to do stuff in his life.
You will literally never have experienced adult life alone. I can’t help think that you will miss the opportunity to learn about yourself. Still it’s your life and your choice.

@Wearywithteens & @importantkath 100% agree, I know people usually parent differently to how they thought they would and I know for sure I won't be 'perfect', but I would never, ever let my kids run riot and embarrass me/ torment other people.

Some experiences I've had whilst out or even babysitting my friends children have been awful!

I have a friend I did a favour last summer (babysat their 3 year old every night for 6 weeks on a Monday + Wednesday) and the child would often still be awake past midnight! Their excuse was 'we like to let him tell us when he needs to go to bed'- but we're always complaining they never had evenings together because of it!.
I tried everything, early bath & bath playtime, pj's, book & milk, no screens once I'd arrived at 6pm that day- but he'd still be awake when they came home, often overtired and rubbing his eyes

*favour for
Sorry!

@SheWoreBlueVelvet It's okay, lots of people have said that to me, even my parents at first. They can see how happy my partner and I are and how we truly are meant for each other with our personalities and things we love to do etc.

I have thought about it, but to me, ditching him now just because I might not experience my 20's like he did seems ridiculous to me.
Why should I not be happy?

I'm also not your usual 20 year old tbh. I don't drink, prefer staying in over going out, love romantic weekend breaks away together over seeing friends and I'm studying an intense degree anyway starting September so I'm studying and preparing for that hardcore at the moment.

People meet me and often tell me I'm old before my time

OP, the more you post, the more naive and juvenile you sound, planning your very distant wedding from a position of zero life experience, like a child playing with dollies, and lecturing people on how your imaginary children definitely won’t be allowed to run riot.

Why not focus on your law degree for a few years?

And absolutely, as others have said, have a childfree wedding if you want, as is your right, but do everyone a favour and stop pretending it’s for anything other than your benefit.

I think it’s only weird to have a strictly child free wedding if you’ve got DC of your own or very close friends and family who have babies that are too small to leave.

Try not to worry too much though, just go with what you’d like within your budget and try and be thoughtful to people with needs different to your own (having elderly and very young guests standing outside for an hour in the snow for photos was a memorable fail).

Even then, someone will find something to huff about. It’s not a wedding unless toys are hurled from prams over bizarre, trivial outrages.

@Parthenope I've already stated it's my preference- therefore my benefit... I've never denied that? Have you read all my replies?

I'm not planning my wedding. It was merely a discussion my partner and I were having and he wanted kids there whilst I was against it, so I came here to ask for opinions?

I would be crazy if I was planning venues and menu lists right now...

But I know that right now, my choice would be to have a child free wedding? You can have solid beliefs and choices at nearly 20 years old believe it or not.
I also know I would do my best to ensure my future child/children does not behave inappropriately at occasions/and at home!

I am concentrating on my degree thank you very much- I don't need someone online to tell me to do that. I'm very motivated and ambitious. :)

@SleightOfMind haha thank you :)

You can have solid beliefs and choices at nearly 20 years old believe it or not.

Absolutely you can, but what people are trying to explain to you, is that things that seem 'black and white' at 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, become far less clear cut as you gain more life experience.

I have a 20 yr old. She has very strong opinions, on all sorts of topics, and reminds me very much of myself at her age. So, indeed, does my 17 yr old. I am very proud of them both. We have some great discussions on all sorts of random topics. Again, great. Being able to reason and defend or explain your thinking in the face of opposition is a really excellent skill to have - you should appreciate that if you are hoping to become a lawyer.

What folk on this thread are telling you though is that people are still growing, and learning and developing and changing during their 20s. Research indicates that the human brain isn't fully developed until around 25 (potentially later, some studies suggest). You are in a fantastic period of your life now to get out and meet / mix with all sorts of different people, to challenge and help you formulate your views on every topic under the sun. Not just petty surface things like whether it is okay to have a child free wedding or not, but all the really important issues in life.

Of course you can have solid beliefs.
What those of us who are a little older know, is that these won't stay the same throughout your life.

I don't think you're mean to start making out lists of who you might invite to your wedding which may or may not happen in four years time based on who you are friends with now, which partner they have now, how many kids they have now, how old the kids are now and so on. Batshit maybe, but not mean.

Still, everyone needs hobbies. Yours seem to be writing guest lists for weddings half a decade hence and before you've even started university, telling people how to undertake the lifelong job of raising, nurturing and guiding children based on your extensive experience of playing Uno for a few hours and doing a couple of nights babysitting and making questionable judgements about disability.

You're grand, OP. Just grand.

Because that sounds like you're doing them a favour and they're just too stupid to 'let their hair down' without your precious wedding. Just say no kids and be done with it as long as you don't get your arse out of kilter if people decline.*

I think that is a somewhat over sensitive interpretation. Quite possibly the people that see it this way are the people that never go anywhere without their children. I see it more as a ‘we want to spend time with you having fun not watch you wander round after little Johnny all day and leave early because he is tired’. Perhaps that’s equally as offensive to some people, but I think it is fair enough. As everyone says, if you don’t want to attend without your children then don’t go. I have honestly never known anyone have a problem with it though unless they genuinely couldn’t get childcare.

I'm getting married on Friday! We didn't invite any children, don't really like them so it was an easy decision

Congratulations @Shoxfordian ! Wishing you a wonderful day, and a strong marriage afterwards.

RainbowWaffles
I disagree about being over sensitive. It's about couples making nonsense claims that their wedding preferences are some how done for the guests' benefit when it's obviously not. It's just irritating fibs.

It's not the issue with having no children, but more an issue when couples try to make out like their personal preferences for their wedding (which they are fine to have) are some how doing everyone else a favour. It's disingenuous on behalf of the couple. They aren't having a child free wedding to benefit the guests, nor do guests need to arrange more complicated overnight childcare to be capable of letting their hair down, so they may as well he honest about wanting a child free wedding and save the nonsense.

It’s your right not to have kids there.

It’ll mean people not being able to attend the wedding.

As a side note, stop being nasty about other people’s kids. What goes around comes around. Maybe yours will be complete nightmares too.

Child free weddings are the best. The ones where the bride thinks it's super cool to invite them has been left massively disappointed when huge swathes of people leave just before the dancing happens because the kid needs to be put to bed. Not to mention the dull as shit discussions about Maisie's developmental stage over the wedding breakfast and friends chasing small people around the venue.

Also why pay for x kids when you could have x more actual friends attending.

Child free weddings are a delightful, classy, grown up affair.

What’s wrong with the ‘so parents can let their hair down’ reason for not inviting children?

I agree with PP, do it if you want to but I've never understood why some people act like they're doing theirr guests a favour. I usually decline child-free weddings - if I want to have a day/night off from parenting and spend money and use up (very hard to get) childcare favours to do so, then I want that time to myself and hanging about at a wedding! If it really is about allowing people to have 'time off' then why not just invite children and let the parents decide what to do?

I had a child free wedding during the day and then we let children come to evening bit where it didn't matter if they ran riot because it was just a disco! It did however cause massive problems between my mum and my aunt because all my cousins children couldn't come even though I'd only met them 3 times! It's your day! You do what you want

It's your wedding but remember that if you don't allow kids their parents probably will decline the invite. Inviting one child (13) might already cause complications. I would not have attended a family wedding that didn't allow kids as all my sitters would be there and on principle - weddings aren't a Hollywood production seeking perfection. ADHD can't be helped , the parents are probably overwhelmed

YABU for planning a wedding when you’re not engaged... anyhoo. Whatever you wanna do on your wedding is what you wanna do.

@Amirite as previously posted, I'm not planning it, it was a discussion regarding the kids/no kids between me and my partner that started this thread. Just a general conversation.

Don't worry- I'm not planning caterers or a fucking menu yet!