Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Am I mean to consider a child free wedding?

123 replies

cinemalover · 27/01/2019 12:47

The thought just came to me, my partner and I have been together 2 years, lived together for over a year and 6 months, not engaged yet but have been discussing what we'd like as a wedding.

We want small- maybe registry office then dinner afterwards. Or a slightly larger venue wedding (max £3000).

We don't have a tonne of family we want to invite (probably 50-60 people max) and I don't see the point in inviting random family members I see once or twice a year and have no other relationship with!

I've just realised though that I would want a child free wedding.
3 of my cousins have children, one has ADHD and is a fucking nightmare, never listening, ruins family occasions etc as the mother has always given into him and leaves him with my aunt and uncle so she can go out at night and doesn't collect him till the next evening.

Another are a pair of brothers, both absolute nightmares and again, allowed to run riot at family occasions (this time whilst the parents smoke and drink)- the toddler escaped out the garden one day and a guest coming to the party brought him back saying he'd found him wandering around in the street outside the house!

Third one isn't born yet but my cousins GF is pregnant, due in June.

(I'm 20 & my partner is 35 for reference).

Is it unreasonable to ban children under a certain age for this reason? I have a 13 year old cousin whom I love and would love to be there, more than happy to have her!

I know they'd be older by the time I get married but honestly I hate them😅 the parents are fine and I've always gotten along with them but their kids I just can't stand. (Ages of all kids currently- 8, 6, 3).

Also wouldn't do plus ones as that gets expensive and I wouldn't want people I don't know thereConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 12:48

All the weddings I've been to in my family have been HUGE- 100's of guests, all paid for by their parents (mine would never pay for mine or my brothers wedding!) and have included lots of children running around.

I was always a quiet child and used to sit back with my brother at the table with my parents as our cousins and family friends were so loud and boisterous.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 27/01/2019 12:55

Do what is right for you as long as you're prepared for people to decline due to childcare.

I think it's fine to have children or not, as long as the couple doesn't get shirty with people who can't or won't attend due to the childcare issue.

On plus 1s I think you're possibly being a bit rude. If you're inviting a group of friends from work for example then I get not wanting +1 as there's a ready made group and +1s mightchange the dynamic, but it sounds like you're telling your friends 'I want you here but don't want your other halves and don't want your kids'. I'd be a bit taken back if i realised that's the attitude one of my friends had.

BestBeforeYesterday · 27/01/2019 12:57

Before I say what I think, please bear in mind you won't be able to please everyone with your wedding plans. Someone will always disapprove.
Personally, I think child-free weddings are odd. Weddings are social occasions for all ages IMO and excluding children is just as odd as saying no one over 65. Kids can be a pain, just like adults really.
I wouldn't accept an invitation to a wedding where kids weren't invited because I find it an unpleasant attitude.
As for no plus ones, do you really know all your family and friends' partners well? I don't know them all and would still feel it is impossible not to invite them. Of course you will have people there you don't know well, just like at any party. Would you throw a birthday or Halloween party and not invite your friends' partners?
No kids and no plus ones makes you look like you are were having a wedding you couldn't really afford.

QueenofallIsee · 27/01/2019 12:58

Brace yourself to get your arse handed to you about your ADHD comments OP. I am having only my kids and nieces and nephews. It’s not that I want a ‘child free’ wedding, it’s that I don’t want 47 kids at my wedding which is what it would mean to include them. Not mean, sensible

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 12:59

@MaisyPops I get the work thing, I'm a student though so don't work.

Honestly I don't think it's weird to not have any plus ones. All my friends/family that I'd consider inviting I already know their partners so it's not an issue really.

If I did work I probably wouldn't invite colleagues anyway unless I'd known them for years and we were great friends.

I'd hate to go to a wedding as my boyfriends plus one and not know anyone, I'd rather be invited and know them than just be an afterthought and not know them.

I'm just thinking really in practical terms, plus ones and kids would mean more money, more people when I just want something intimate and more stress!

OP posts:
Elfinablender · 27/01/2019 12:59

People will decline due to childcare and you'll have to accept that with good grace.

I'd keep very quiet about not inviting children because of their disability whilst blaming the mother for that disability if you don't want to find yourself on the fuck-no invite pile from here on in.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 13:02

@QueenofallIsee ah I see, I've met many kids with disabilities for reference that have behaved impeccably and obviously brought up well, but my cousin had the child with adhd when she was early twenties and never disciplined him! He was always spoilt, she gave in all the time and now he's turned out rotten.

My 13 year old cousin has mild autism which we've always known about but she's lovely. Just basing it on character really, nothing against disabilities, I just thought it would make sense to state that he has ADHD to explain the behaviour a bit better.

OP posts:
PinkGin24 · 27/01/2019 13:05

You are not unreasonable or mean at all. I cannot stand children and will 100% be having a child free wedding. It is my day and I don't want kids there.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 13:06

@Elfinablender haha I see what you mean, of course I'd invite the mother- she's lovely and we've always been great friends but she's not helped her child in anyway!

And I never voice the opinion regarding the bad behaviours, he's only just been diagnosed with ADHD anyway.

Last family occasion (December) I distracted him by playing UNO for over an hour as he was driving everyone nuts and my aunt told him off every 5 mins! Just to keep the atmosphere nice.

100% wouldn't be mad if they had to decline due to childcare. I think it's likely though they'd all manage to find a babysitter.

OP posts:
Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 13:07

@PinkGin24 you're on my wavelength WinkThanks

OP posts:
Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 13:07

@PinkGin24 I can stand kids though a do love some I know! But yeah regarding the my day and less stress etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 13:08

@BestBeforeYesterday as I said previously, my partner and I want a smaller wedding (50-60max) so yes we do know all the partners of family/friends we'd be inviting.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 27/01/2019 13:09

Just make the rules for your wedding and let people know. Be warned some won't come but that's your compromise for not inviting children and that's fine.
Perhaps tell people teens are welcome if you're inviting one

PatchworkElmer · 27/01/2019 13:10

Honestly, I think that if you have an age cap, it’ll be really obvious that it’s just certain children that you don’t want there. It’s your wedding, but I’d be prepared for potential upset over that.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 13:15

@PatchworkElmer I understand, maybe better going no under 16s/18s at all? But I'm super close with her and by the time I'm married anyway she'll probably be 16ish anyway as we want to do after I finish my degree.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 27/01/2019 13:17

I don't understand why anybody who 'can't stand kids' would join a parenting website tbh.

OP you can invite who you want to your wedding, you just have to be prepared for people's reactions, which will probably range from 'great! A night off' to 'I don't want to spend the day without my kids'. But I think saying 'we can't invite kids under 12' would be fair enough.

Not inviting +1s is the same deal. Fine to do it, don't be offended when people don't come because they don't want to come without their partner.

rookiemere · 27/01/2019 13:20

YANBU to absolutely have the wedding you want. As long as your policy is clear ( and you may want to make an exception for babes in arms) then no one should be offended. Equally you need to take it in good grace if families decide not to attend.

YABABU for calling your DNephew a "fucking nightmare" because he has ADHD, I get what you mean but it's a horrible way to describe a DC with a disability who also appears to be badly parented.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 27/01/2019 13:26

I think you need educating in ADHD you sound very immature. It’s not a case of giving in its managing the condition. As to say he’s turn out rotten here have a Biscuit

FuckOffMeadowSoprano · 27/01/2019 13:31

Not unreasonable at all, I love a child free wedding, so much better than weddings with children running about, shouting through the ceremony and speeches. I've been to several weddings that have been ruined by badly behaved children.

But of course some people will be shitty with you about it and will complain or decline.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 13:33

@FuckOffMeadowSoprano honestly if these people had met my cousins kids (including the non disabled ones) they'd understand why I want child free! The parents don't care and they'd be left to wreck the place.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 27/01/2019 13:34

OP
If you already know the partners of people you're inviting then I don't get why you're saying you're not doing +1s. Surely if you're inviting the partners you know and you know the all the partners then +1 is a non issue (and you're not saving money)

It seems more like you dont like a couple of kids and dont want them at your wedding which is fine. At the end of the day, do what you like for your wedding, just be prepared to accept any declines with good grace.

jcq17 · 27/01/2019 13:35

We had a child free wedding. 70 day 100night. Everyone loved it and commented on no screaming kids etc. Everyone wanted the day off from parenting and we had no bad comments at all. Do what's best for you two.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 13:37

@jcq17 glad to hear it worked out for you! That's exactly what I'm thinking, screaming free, refined and a night off for some parents.

OP posts:
Mummyme87 · 27/01/2019 13:48

Fine... but accept the declines from those who can’t get childcare, don’t want to leave children, can’t leave children.

I declined an invite to OH cousins wedding last year as said no children. We had no childcare as my family live 300miles away and I had an 8month old who was breastfeeding. Simple as. Hopefully they weren’t miffed but we had no option.
Personally I don’t mind children at weddings. Adds to the atmosphere, as long as parents take them out of ceremony or speeches if screaming.
We will be having 100 adults and 25 children ranging from 18months to 12yrs. We will also have childcare provision to occupy them during Speeches etc

Mummyme87 · 27/01/2019 13:48

On another note. If you don’t have children, why are you on a parenting forum?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.