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Original poster

Am I mean to consider a child free wedding?

123 replies

cinemalover · 27/01/2019 12:47

The thought just came to me, my partner and I have been together 2 years, lived together for over a year and 6 months, not engaged yet but have been discussing what we'd like as a wedding.

We want small- maybe registry office then dinner afterwards. Or a slightly larger venue wedding (max £3000).

We don't have a tonne of family we want to invite (probably 50-60 people max) and I don't see the point in inviting random family members I see once or twice a year and have no other relationship with!

I've just realised though that I would want a child free wedding.
3 of my cousins have children, one has ADHD and is a fucking nightmare, never listening, ruins family occasions etc as the mother has always given into him and leaves him with my aunt and uncle so she can go out at night and doesn't collect him till the next evening.

Another are a pair of brothers, both absolute nightmares and again, allowed to run riot at family occasions (this time whilst the parents smoke and drink)- the toddler escaped out the garden one day and a guest coming to the party brought him back saying he'd found him wandering around in the street outside the house!

Third one isn't born yet but my cousins GF is pregnant, due in June.

(I'm 20 & my partner is 35 for reference).

Is it unreasonable to ban children under a certain age for this reason? I have a 13 year old cousin whom I love and would love to be there, more than happy to have her!

I know they'd be older by the time I get married but honestly I hate them😅 the parents are fine and I've always gotten along with them but their kids I just can't stand. (Ages of all kids currently- 8, 6, 3).

Also wouldn't do plus ones as that gets expensive and I wouldn't want people I don't know thereConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 15:41

@Aragog it's no children as a preference, nothing to do with money as we wouldn't like to spend loads anyway even if we could afford to have a huge blowout!

OP posts:
Bellatrix14 · 27/01/2019 15:41

You have blamed the vast majority of the children’s behaviour on poor parenting, yet you say the parents are fine but you hate the children?!

Have a child free wedding if you want one (and invite the 13 year old if you want, I think no under 12s is a fair rule) but your original post is incredibly hypocritical and comes across as rather nasty, so I would seriously rethink your phrasing before you suggest the idea of a child free wedding to your family.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 15:42

@importantkath charming, I'm sure you've never been to a ruined family occasion or event then due to a poorly patented child?

I can assure you I'm not immature.
Also not judgemental normally, it's just towards a few select children, really it's not the kids fault tbf they should have been brought up better :/

OP posts:
Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 15:43

@Bellatrix14 the parent themselves as a person is lovely and friendly and we get along great. Unfortunately though, myself and many other family members have agreed that she is a poor parent and has no control over her child, therefore I would rather the children not be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 15:45

@Shutupanddance1 ah, hope you enjoy yourself! SmileThanks

OP posts:
Grace212 · 27/01/2019 15:46

OP "Haha, no I wouldn't fret to much if someone didn't come because of childcare, I'd try and make it as easy as poss though (invites out in time to find childcare/arrange something)."

um, yes, but speaking as a childfree woman myself, the point is, you need to accept some people won't want to sort out childcare just to attend a wedding.

don't use the "let hair down" excuse, agree, just be honest.

also I see now that the wedding is in 4 years?! Maybe think about it later...

Haworthia · 27/01/2019 15:46

If you want a child free wedding, have one. I much prefer them, personally. Yes, some people may decline but that’s the way it goes.

I’ve had to decline invitations to three family weddings in three years, because they were child free and we had no one to babysit overnight (our children have never been babysat overnight anyway). I wasn’t offended. In fact, bringing our children would have been a massive PITA - they would have found it all really boring, and either myself or DH would have to skip the evening reception to take them to bed.

Bellatrix14 · 27/01/2019 15:47

@cinemalover, I’m not saying she’s not a nice person, but to say that you ‘hate’ a group of children due to poor parenting still comes across as nasty. It’s not your opinion that is bad (IMO), it’s your attitude.

I can assure you I'm not immature

You’re sounding like it on here.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 15:49

@Grace212 I don't believe I ever used the 'let hair down' excuse? I think a previous poster said that...

100% understand that childcare can be an issue, and like I said- wouldn't mind if people couldn't attend, I certainly wouldn't be rude about it!

I like planning aheadWink
Like I said, my partner and I were talking about it and I just wondered what other people thought on the issue.

OP posts:
Grace212 · 27/01/2019 15:55

OP, you mentioned "night off for some parents" and then said about plenty of notice...plus you do sound a bit...naive? ....so I thought maybe you might find it hard to accept someone saying no because they don't fancy it, or don't want to sort childcare.

but as long as you accept people might say no for all kinds of reasons, that's all good. It's awful when couples want to know the details of why you have declined an invitation.

Pretamum · 27/01/2019 15:56

We've been invited to several kid free weddings and they've been great because we can go to a wedding and actually enjoy catching up with friends and having a few drinks. I was definitely not offended - we have 2 sets of grandparents who live close and love having our DS, so it's never been a problem.
We're getting married this yr and are having a childfree wedding aside from our child and his cousin of the same age. Mainly because factoring in all of our friends kids would mean finding space for 35 more ppl, which we just can't do. Any friends though that have had issues with childcare we're happy to have attend with kids - we just couldn't seat every single child. And 90% of our friends have sorted childcare and cant wait to be able to have some drinks and dance - now we all have kids, weddings are pretty much the only time we get to drink and dance like the good old days!
I say go kid free, but to make concessions for parents who really struggle to get childcare sorted.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 16:03

@Grace212 of course I wouldn't find it hard to accept if someone couldn't come?HmmConfused😅

I also wouldn't pry into why someone's declined an invite, I had to decline one last year with my family as I had a kidney infection.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 27/01/2019 16:19

but my cousin had the child with adhd when she was early twenties and never disciplined him

That is like blaming your lovely cousin's autism on poor parenting.

Do you think that if his mum disciplined him he would behave?

I think you might have a smaller wedding than you think.

The ones with children probably won't come because of childcare (as their usual babysitters will be at the wedding)
Some won't come without their oh's and some singles who you plan on inviting (4 years from now) will be parents and may not come without their children or will have partners who they don't want to leave behind for the day.

hatethinkingofusernames · 27/01/2019 16:21

I much prefer child free weddings!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 27/01/2019 16:26

I think the Op has probably summed up the situation well despite putting it crudely. Autism and poor parenting are not a good combo. Doesn’t mean the parent is an intrinsically bad person and the Op is quick to point out.
I’m sure Op meant the child’s behaviour is a fucking nightmare rather than the child.

Anyway. Fine to have it child free but as everyone else has said you can’t moan if people don’t come. Expect a few more to have children by the time you actually get engaged and set a date.
Be careful with plus ones. You want guests to be happy. A group of single friends is fine but you need to allow some people a friend if they want to be comfortable ( or not invite them).

I also think the age gap and your youth is a bit off. You really going to sign up to this at 20? He’s at least got to see a bit of life on his own. You won’t get that.

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 16:53

@SheWoreBlueVelvet I've already had some bollockings in real life from judgy friends regarding our age gap- I'm perfectly in love with this man and would love to marry him and spend the rest of our lives together.

He's incredibly gorgeous too which helpsWink

I meant the behaviour yes, I probably put it rather rudely tbh. I've never had a good experience with that child..

OP posts:
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 16:56

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BlackPrism · 27/01/2019 17:08

I don't think it really matters because you're not even actually engaged...

Original poster
cinemalover · 27/01/2019 17:12

@BlackPrism you don't need to be engaged to get married.
You can also plan things ahead of time to reduce stress :)

OP posts:
importantkath · 27/01/2019 18:54

Just saying...

Am I mean to consider a child free wedding?
JaniceBattersby · 27/01/2019 19:01

If you’re not getting married for another four years then all of these kids will be a hell of a lot older then and much less likely to be badly behaved.

The difference between a six year old and a ten year old is massive in terms of how they behave at parties.

Drum2018 · 27/01/2019 19:02

Haven't read all replies. You are absolutely within your rights to have a child free wedding. We didn't invite many cousins, let alone cousins kids. We wanted a child free wedding. Dh uncle asked if they could bring their 2 small children, we refused. If we'd given in to them, then others would have been pissed off - so you're as well to say it at the outset that it's childfree and stick to it. It's tough if some potential guests can't make it because they don't have childcare. I certainly wouldn't be worried about cousins as they shouldn't expect to have their kids invited anyway. It would be different if it was your own nieces/nephews and even then it's fine not to invite them, if you have any.

Wearywithteens · 27/01/2019 19:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

rainflowerstar · 27/01/2019 19:19

You want to get married at 20?

RainbowWaffles · 27/01/2019 19:33

What’s wrong with the ‘so parents can let their hair down’ reason for not inviting children? This was honestly the reason I thought about not inviting them. It wasn’t anything to do with cost and was happy to have the children there, but wanted to celebrate with my friends when they could enjoy themselves and didn’t have to worry about parenting. In the end I invited them, but most people didn’t bring them anyway!

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