Name on invite error

[Helpmeplan]

I don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not but today I got a call from mil telling me that bil and his wife are cross with me because I worded their invite to 'Mr & Mrs X X' and sil has not changed to Mrs x x. I did not know this. When they married last year she changed her name on Facebook, and they have never mentioned not changing her name before, even when I was talking about whether or not I can be arsed to change mine or not.

I don't think I should apologise, given that I didn't know and can't read minds. Is that unreasonable of me?

OP I clearly know nothing about your relationship, except what you told me yourself by saying you were not a feminist. Which actually tells quite a lot!
But I’ve only been released from the feminism board for five minutes, I’d better get myself back there before I pollute the other boards.
Actually you’re very welcome to head over sometime OP, you might find a defintion of feminism you’d be happy to call yourself.
Out of interest, what are some of the other belief systems that believe in equality of the sexes, in the same way that belief systems other than Christianity can believe in God?

Am I the only one that wonders why you send an invitation to immediate family?
It wouldn't enter my head to send a formal invitation to anything to a sibling.

Ok, well tbh it never really occurred to me that I am, and I would generally not define myself in any way apart from I am who I am. 😂 Although you are probably right.

Apologies, been a long and tiring week and my brain does not fully function properly when I'm tired (not long had meningitis).

Names I apologise. I have never 'identified' myself as a feminist, but I concede I hold feminist views. I should not have been rude to you.

Sheezus my family are extremely formal, ex military. Weddings get invites, even if you are just having Grandparent, Parents and siblings. Just the way they have always done things.

I wouldn't even have apologized she's being ridiculous

Names I think it’s a good idea that you head back over to the feminist board as you’ve hijcked this one with your own agenda. The only reason poor OP even mentioned feminism is because picked apart a sentence in her original post which had very little to do with her question.

OP
If I did mention it / apologise to them I’d make it clear the name assumption came from her Facebook name!

Veterinari
You’re derailing the OP’s question - she only mentioned feminism in an attempt to ‘defend’ herself from unnecessarily argumentative comments which also had nothing to do with OP’s initial question.
Stop looking for issues where are aren’t any - the feminism board is a better place for these arguments

It's bizarre that someone changes their name very publicly on FB and then complains when that name is used.

Can you do a quick check on FB to see if the name you used still features? If it does, you can then ring the person directly, apologise, say you used her name as it is on FB, as that marks someone's social preference, but you wont do so again.

And if possibly, gently and tactfully suggest she changes FB as I bet oodles of people would see FB name as the name someone wishes to be called socially.

Not long had meningitis - crickey, sorry to hear that - and your future SIL is hassling you about using the name tat she publicised on Facebook?! She sounds difficult.

For the sake of your own headspace I would say sorry, and that you remembered she had changed her name on Facebook hence using that. But don’t let her give you any more shit about it - you’ve got enough on your plate.

Your SIL is being a pain. If she didn't want to be addressed as "Mrs Husband'sname" then why did she change it on FB, the silly woman?

Give this no further headspace.

To other posters--there are plenty of people who think men and women are equal but are not comfortable with identifying with the word feminism, for whatever reason. I actually came very close to refusing to identify with this word a few years ago, for a number of reasons. Arguing with people who feel this way is not going to change their minds.

I'd ignore it. They need to grow up!

You already apologised for something, which was hardly your fault. Very immature of them to a) get huffy in the first place when you weren’t to know and b) say they may not come to the wedding because of it. Just leave it now. If they decide to be arsy, let your dh handle it. I think he needs to follow the line of Helpme apologised for the misunderstanding and explained her reasoning behind using X X name, can we leave it in the past now?

Are they usually this unreasonable?

Oh sorry I misread. This was a convo between you and mil. In that case, drop a text and say sorry for the misunderstanding and explain your reasoning. Still ridiculous to get huffy. Are you sure mil isn’t shit stirring?

Gosh, I don't understand.

So she changed her surname on Facebook to be her husband's surname on marriage.

But she hasn't actually changed her surname.... ? Even though she changed it?

“Mil mentioned you may be upset with us for addressing you as Mrs X X. As you are Mrs X X on Facebook, I naturally assumed you go by this name. I now realise this is now not the case. I hope this did not cause offence.”

Are you saying she got cross at the envelope addressed to Mr and Mrs? On the invite itself I've only ever seen first names.

Is there a chance your m'n'l is stirring things? Maybe they weren't as unhappy as she said. Also, if someone is upset by something I did - whether I meant to hurt them or not - I would apologise. I don't get why you wouldn't. Absolutely you did nothing wrong and no need to give a grovelling apology - but a simple "m'n'law mentioned you were upset by names - I just went on your facebook page and sorry if I upset you" - wouldn't hurt.

"Hi SIL, MIL says you are upset because I addressed your invitation to Mrs xx xx. I checked Facebook for your surname and it says Mrs xx xx. Please could you let me know which is right so I know for the future? Thanks."
No need to apologise if she's a numpty or MIL is stirring.

I did the same with a couple we invited to our wedding. When they returned the RSVP she had written out both their names in full and then I realised she had never changed her name. Wasn't a big deal, I just made sure I had it right on the table plan. It's a bit odd for her to change it on FB though if she hasn't changed it in reality.

Mil definitely not stirring, saw the bil and sil at the weekend and they were off with me over it, and did mention it in a tight lipped kind of way. I did apologise and said I'd assumed she'd changed it because of her Facebook, they were still really huffy. Bil told dp when he turned up after work that they are thinking of not coming to the wedding over a name on an envelope
Cuppa thank you. Meningitis is one of the scariest things that can happen to you. I am only 3 months post illness, and it has left me very tired and maybe a bit shorter on patience.

The relationship between sil and mil is very difficult, but that is a whole other story and one probably too complicated for my addled brain. I just stay out of it.

Chuck it in the fuck it bucket.
Its a phrase for moments like this.
You have issued a courtesy apology.
Ignore them. They are trying to make your wedding a little bit about them and to do so make you a little bit unhapppy.
Tossers

Definitely will AJ

OP and thank you for your post. You have had a lot on your plate and I would worry not about your mil.
It may be of no consolation to hear that it does sound like you are a feminist after all. The term seems to have a bad press and it is good to reclaim it.

Normally I would say apologise as you assumed, however if she changed her name on Facebook to her husband name then surely this is gonna happen a lot :-s so in your case I wouldn't apologise, maybe point out your reasoning if she brings it up directly