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Original poster

Did anyone get upset at 'can't come' RSVPs?

55 replies

RockinInAFreeWorld · 03/03/2018 12:06

I know I shouldn't moan but thought other brides and grooms to be on this thread might have gone through/are going through similar.

Our wedding is this September, booked it 17 months ago and sent out save the dates a week after we booked the day; posted invites out last month.

Told our friends about it as soon as we booked it, turns out another girl who went to my school (a couple of years above) is getting married on the same day; this girl is very social and has never left the area/had numerous bar or pub jobs/plays adult netball (basically knows loads of people and so do her family and her H2B's family).

In a nutshell, around 10 of our friends and their partners are going to this wedding and not ours. I understand they've already committed - unbeknown to me hers was booked over 2.5 years in advance so people had that date in their diary before we even got engaged! But guess I just thought some of them would have considered our friendship stronger (which it definitely is, for some of them the only interaction they have with this woman is if she serves them in the local - I don't think they even have her phone number!) and as a result thought ours would take precedence. If we told them our wedding date with 6 months notice or so i'd understand if they'd already made plans to get to hers but...I don't know, I've just felt a bit deflated since I told them all the date and half have said "ah, can't. Already said i'd go to X's wedding".

I know we should just be happy with the day we have, but the room we've booked looks nicely full with 10 tables of 10 (100 guests) but with the way the RSVPs are going we're going to have around 60 guests. Around 15 other guests have sent apologies for various other reasons, which is fine. Worried it's going to look empty.

I guess out of 120 invited I thought we'd only get around 20 'no's', but with this cohort of friends, their partners and others who can't make it for various reasons it's coming in at around 65 guests.

So not to drip feed - the girl whose wedding was booked 2.5 years ago is further away and requires a 2 night stay, ours is 'local' to where everyone is and people could stay or even get an uber home. Maybe they all just want to make a weekend of it away somewhere, maybe me and DP just don't seem as fun...

We're in regular contact with friends too, it's not as if I moved far away and have to accept new friendships form and grow stronger.

I'm 27...I need to get a grip don't I.

OP posts:

Hopeful16 · 03/03/2018 12:11

We had around 70 at our wedding/ day reception and it felt a lovely number. I've been to larger weddings when you don't feel like the bride and groom have spoken to or seen you at all.

In relation to the invitations if they got in first there's not a lot that you can do.

Your wedding will be lovely with the people that you have chosen to invite and that have chosen to come. Just concentrate on making it a day that you and your husband to be will love and remember for the right reasons.

greendale17 · 03/03/2018 12:14

I would feel the same as you OP. You have invited 100 and now only 60 are coming. I would be really disappointed but such is life.

ShowOfHands · 03/03/2018 12:15

It's good manners to go to the event you said yes to, not to cancel when you get a better offer.

You can't take it personally. Have 7 or 8 per table or fewer tables or invite some other people.

wizzywig · 03/03/2018 12:17

I had the same situation. It was a bit sad that the room wasnt full of people. But ive been married for years now so it doesnt have an impact on your actual marriage. Enjoy your day. And you now have a bigger budget!!

snewsname · 03/03/2018 12:19

I see why you feel sad.
Part of the reason may be that as so many are going to the other one, the others may know more there than at yours so they may deem it to be more fun. After all you don't actually get to spend much time with the actual bride and groom. So they are looking at the other guests rather than you. So don't take it too personally. If you'd have got in first they probably all come en masse to yours.

Hopeful16 · 03/03/2018 12:20

Personally I wouldn't ask some more people- I'd rather have fewer people who mean something to me than fill the room with B-listers who weren't important enough for an original invitation. When you look back on your photos you'll wonder who they are and why they were there.

fusushumi · 03/03/2018 12:23

It would be rude of them to come to yours having already accepted an invitation elsewhere wouldn't it? So I think that's the reason, not that you're less fun or that they want a weekend away

NapQueen · 03/03/2018 12:25

Two of my closest friends got married on the same day. Id already said yes to the first Save the Date months before the second one arrived. The one I had said yes to was a local friend and the one I had to decline lives about 350 miles away.

Id much rather have gone to the one away as I obviously see much much less of her however it would have been beyond rude to say 'ive had a better offer' to local friend.

Pastaagain78 · 03/03/2018 12:26

Oh that’s bad luck! I would be upset too.

TheNoseyProject · 03/03/2018 12:28

Aw I can see why you are disappointed. I had 58 at my wedding in a barn and it didn’t feel empty. The only thing I’d change is I would have had the chairs moved from around the tables to around the dance floor after dinner (in little groups, not like an audience!) as it was a little spreads out layer on.

120 is so many people, you wouldn’t get to speak to them all. And 65 is certainly not small.

Willswife · 03/03/2018 12:31

You can't really withdraw from another event because a better offer has come along. If your invited has gone out earlier then I'm sure they would be attending yours instead.

PhelanThePain · 03/03/2018 12:32

Worried it's going to look empty.

You do understand the point of a wedding isn’t to look at a full room? It’s not going to be in OK magazine. No-one will take photos of your half full room and bitch about you in the media .

Arapaima · 03/03/2018 12:34

I can completely understand why you’re upset - I would be too. But as well as already saying yes to the other invite, is it possible they’ve also booked accommodation etc that can’t be refunded?

Arapaima · 03/03/2018 12:36

Also, it would be very awkward indeed to say to the other couple “sorry, I know we’ve said yes but we’ve changed our mind”. Don’t take it personally OP.

Blinkyblink · 03/03/2018 12:39

But guess I just thought some of them would have considered our friendship stronger (which it definitely is, for some of them the only interaction they have with this woman is if she serves them in the local

But it “definitely” isn’t. Clearly.

Marmite27 · 03/03/2018 12:39

We had 68 in the day, in a hotel ball room that can seat upto 150.

Everyone said how nice it was not to be crushed in and not on top of one another and it didn’t feel empty at all.

We had another 30-40 in the evening, but wished we’d invited more as several ‘yes’ responses didn’t turn up with no explanation

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/03/2018 12:40

That’s a shame OP. But people can’t back out of an invitation they’ve accepted already.

Even though I’d much rather come to yours, I wouldn’t let the first people down, it would be the wrong thing to do.

pictish · 03/03/2018 12:47

Asides from the fact that people have already said yes to the other woman’s wedding so can’t renage on it, there’s always the thing that people will ultimately opt for whatever event will benefit themselves more. If she and her dh to be are somewhat of local bigwigs and it’s a big social event, you can’t compete...even when people really really like you personally. It’s often about social standing and status than loyalty in my experience.
How unfortunate to be have picked the same day. I suppose you’ll just have to suck it up. I’m sure it’ll still be amazing. X

Witchend · 03/03/2018 12:51

It does depend on a lot of things though. My dc have had parties where I've thought the timing is bad and a lot won't be able to come-and then everyone can come and the other way round. It's never been because of one particular thing, always lots of little things than happen to converge at the same time.

If they were already committed, would you really expect them to then turn it down and come to yours? Even if they'd rather go to yours.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 03/03/2018 12:51

TBH of your main concern is guests not coming and the room looking empty you're getting married for all the wrong reasons.

You seriously can't expect them to tell the other bride that they have had a better offer after rsvping yes surely?

pigeondujour · 03/03/2018 12:52

I'd say you'd feel a lot more disappointed if quite a few couples who had RSVPed yes to your wedding then ditched it to go to one booked after yours, which is what you seem to be wishing would have happened to someone else...

BeyondThePage · 03/03/2018 12:52

It will be mainly due to etiquette - you can't go round rescinding your acceptance because you got a better offer.

How on earth do you think the other bride would feel. Do you really want people to make her feel like crap.

Oldraver · 03/03/2018 12:52

You cannot expect people to change their minds when they have already committed to another event.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/03/2018 12:52

It's bad luck for you but it is very, very rude to change your mind about an invitation because you have had a better offer. The only time it would be remotely acceptable would be if the one you'd agreed to first was something that could easily be rescheduled and wasn't a 'special' event (eg cancelling your weekly Saturday lunch with a friend because you've been invited to your cousin's birthday barbecue).

fuckoffsnow · 03/03/2018 12:53

The less people the better as far as I'm concerned. We had 21 and I'd have still rather had fewer people show up.

If they RSVPd yes and didn't show, that's dickish. But at least you can save some money.

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