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Original poster

Did anyone get upset at 'can't come' RSVPs?

55 replies

RockinInAFreeWorld · 03/03/2018 12:06

I know I shouldn't moan but thought other brides and grooms to be on this thread might have gone through/are going through similar.

Our wedding is this September, booked it 17 months ago and sent out save the dates a week after we booked the day; posted invites out last month.

Told our friends about it as soon as we booked it, turns out another girl who went to my school (a couple of years above) is getting married on the same day; this girl is very social and has never left the area/had numerous bar or pub jobs/plays adult netball (basically knows loads of people and so do her family and her H2B's family).

In a nutshell, around 10 of our friends and their partners are going to this wedding and not ours. I understand they've already committed - unbeknown to me hers was booked over 2.5 years in advance so people had that date in their diary before we even got engaged! But guess I just thought some of them would have considered our friendship stronger (which it definitely is, for some of them the only interaction they have with this woman is if she serves them in the local - I don't think they even have her phone number!) and as a result thought ours would take precedence. If we told them our wedding date with 6 months notice or so i'd understand if they'd already made plans to get to hers but...I don't know, I've just felt a bit deflated since I told them all the date and half have said "ah, can't. Already said i'd go to X's wedding".

I know we should just be happy with the day we have, but the room we've booked looks nicely full with 10 tables of 10 (100 guests) but with the way the RSVPs are going we're going to have around 60 guests. Around 15 other guests have sent apologies for various other reasons, which is fine. Worried it's going to look empty.

I guess out of 120 invited I thought we'd only get around 20 'no's', but with this cohort of friends, their partners and others who can't make it for various reasons it's coming in at around 65 guests.

So not to drip feed - the girl whose wedding was booked 2.5 years ago is further away and requires a 2 night stay, ours is 'local' to where everyone is and people could stay or even get an uber home. Maybe they all just want to make a weekend of it away somewhere, maybe me and DP just don't seem as fun...

We're in regular contact with friends too, it's not as if I moved far away and have to accept new friendships form and grow stronger.

I'm 27...I need to get a grip don't I.

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 03/03/2018 12:56

I understand your friends declining your invitation, you really can't back out of the first event if you've already said yes, that would be so rude!

Imagine an AIBU of 'I've had my weeding booked for over two years but someone else is now getting married on the same day and 30 of our guests have now declined invites they had already accepted and we'd counted in'!

smurfy2015 · 03/03/2018 14:45

I have an rsvp ready to go on Monday in postbox for myself and partner, we wont be attending the wedding for various reasons but definitely if i was asked to 2 weddings on same day the one i accepted first is the one i would go to,

My niece got married last Sept, partner and i booked into wedding hotel for 2 nights despite having a choice of places to stay locally. On the Sat morning he made it for breakfast but by 9.30am i could see due to 2 chronic conditions of his that he wasnt fit to go so when went back to room to get ready, gave him his option of "no stress pass" from me if he wanted to not go and just go back to bed instead, he took it, he helped me get ready and my lift came and then back to bed,

Just before i left the hotel for church for ceremony i went to reception and asked them to cancel one adult meal at the reception for table 8 which meant the bride and groom werent charged as an extra - i checked the seating chart and knew i was at table 8,

I specified adult as we had an under 12, who got burger, nuggets and chips

smurfy2015 · 03/03/2018 14:46

I specified adult as we had an under 12, who got burger, nuggets and chips at the table with us, (the youngest brother of the bride)

Pressed other comment too soon

Ginger1982 · 03/03/2018 14:54

If you told them when you booked it all those months ago, and knew they couldn't come, could you have changed the date? I had to do this for a family member.

SillySallySingsSongs · 03/03/2018 15:00

It's good manners to go to the event you said yes to, not to cancel when you get a better offer

^ this.

You seriously don't expect them to cancel because they should come to yours? If so then it's very bridezilla ish

MaggieFS · 03/03/2018 15:36

I do understand why you are disappointed, but logistics, costs, closeness of friendship etc are irrelevant if they've already accepted the other invitation. Imagine how you'd feel if it was the other way around?

Can't tell from the OP the timing of when it turned out there was a clash? If only recently as you've done invitations, it's unfortunate is that you didn't know sooner/as soon as you sent save the dates in case you could have changed anything? Actually I'm amazed none of these 'close' friends didn't tell you 17months ago.

BUT the most important things is I think you'll still have the most amazing day. Just put eight or nine people on each table to give everyone some elbow room, or remove one table and give people space to move, I doubt it will look empty.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 03/03/2018 15:58

It's good manners to go to the event you said yes to, not to cancel when you get a better offer

They didn't cancel. The OP sent out a save the date, then much later an invitation, and people are declining the invitation. MN dogma has it that invitations aren't summonses, but save the date cards are even less than that: they're just notifying people that if they wish to be able to attend something to which they are going to be invited later, they might want to "save the date". They're perfectly entitled to book something else, and presumably they didn't even acknowledge the save the dates anyway.

We've just gone through a similar thing: we were sent a save the date. A work commitment arose for one of us, which we tried to defer but couldn't. We therefore RSVP'd "no" when the invitation came, and it's pretty clear that the parents of the bride are unimpressed. At no point did we say we could go, and we in fact warned them several times between the save the date and the invitation that it was unlikely we would be able to go. I'm not sure what else we're expected to do?

Ariela · 03/03/2018 16:51

Think how much ££ it'll save you!

Doobigetta · 03/03/2018 18:03

Slightly, even though I also knew I was being unreasonable. I was quite put out by the people who just ticked the "politely decline" box, and didn't say anything else. It wouldn't kill them to add a little note saying, so sorry we can't make it, hope you have a lovely day. I think though I'm more irritated by the people who just haven't responded. I feel uncomfortable having to chase them, and annoyed that I feel uncomfortable and am apologising for pestering them.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/03/2018 18:12

I understand that you are disappointed, but honestly I think more of people who stick with an invitation they have already accepted rather than ditch it when a better offer comes along. Even if it's disappointing, try to console yourself that you have honourable friends!

Original poster
RockinInAFreeWorld · 04/03/2018 10:39

Thanks for replies, just to clarify this was not a 'AIBU?' which I feel some respondents treated it as.

Of course I don't want to ruin anyone's day and wish people would cancel on them for me. I know this group of our friends aren't coming, and have known since April 2017 when I sent my Save the Dates out. All I wanted from this post was just a little vent.

The final fly in the ointment is I was out last night with friends (some who are coming to mine, who were also invited to this other couples, some who are going to this other coupes, who were also invited to mine) to be told the other couple have posted a message on their Facebook event page for the wedding that they 'unexpectedly need to scale back on their wedding, whilst they would love to follow up every save the date with a formal invite this now won't be happening. They're very sorry but circumstances have changed'. Cue "I wonder who will still receive an invite?? Rockin we might be going to yours after all..."

For anyone who wanted clarification of a timeline:

Our wedding is Sept 2018
April 2017: Wedding booked/friends contacted/Save The Dates go out
January 2018: Invites go out

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2018 16:24

Woah! That's amazingly rude of them! I understand the need to do this (say in the event of a redundancy or something which means they don't have the money), but you don't do that as a no-fault facebook post implying this is normal, you do that as a series of private grovelley messages to your friends explaining that you are skint, the wedding is drastically cut back, and you are having to rescind everyone's invitation except your parents and Auntie Maud, and you hope they will forgive you. Or I'd cancel the posh wedding altogether and hold the post-wedding party in a room above a pub, and so be able to keep the invitiations open to everyone.

OP, are you going to re-extend your invitations to these suddenly-free guests, or not? (I think I would if I was you, as they haven't - yet - done anything wrong, although I'd expect them, if they've already declined your invitation, to not automatically assume the invitation was still open.)

ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2018 16:25

Also isn't a save-the-date an invitation anyway?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 04/03/2018 16:28

Also isn't a save-the-date an invitation anyway?

Apparently it's an invitation with a built-in expectation that you are going to RSVP "yes", except when it isn't an invitation, if the happy couple change their mind about inviting you. Dreadful.

I presume it's new, and therefore the etiquette around them is evolving: when I got married 25 years ago I don't think they were a thing.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 04/03/2018 16:35

Ah OP, it will be fine. 65 is a great number for a wedding party!

Thelampshadelady · 04/03/2018 16:37

I had 40 to my wedding and it was a great number and everyone there meant something to me.

natureshaped · 04/03/2018 16:39

I was over the moon with every 'no'! We were totally skint and the only thing that mattered to us was saying "I Do" and trying to offend as few people as possible in the process!!!

BonesyBones · 04/03/2018 16:50

I know it's not the point of your thread at all but it always baffles me how people know hundreds of people to invite to weddings, I'd literally have 14 people to invite (on mine and my partners sides), would expect 3 not to show up due to distance and 5 of the remaining 11 are under eighteen.

Where do these hundreds of people come from? Are they people you've known all your life? Are they people you genuinely speak to on a regular basis? Or is it all family politics about who you must invite so as not to upset granny or whatever? I think the only point in my life I've know hundreds of people was high school.

MandaraSugar · 04/03/2018 17:55

A save the date is just a helpful way of alerting people a year or so in advance you’re going to invite them to your wedding, with an invite with full details on to be expected nearer the time. In my view you shouldn’t send them to anyone you’re not 100% going to invite. It’s cruel and thoughtless.

They weren’t a ‘thing’ in my time either but between me, DH and parents we rung round people to tell them the date and then sent out paper invites 6 months before. So we asked people to ‘save the date’ verbally.

Save the dates don’t require RSVPs, they’re just a heads up.

OP sounds like this couple sent save the dates to everyone and their dog, looked at the figures and have now had to cull intended invitees. If it were me, I’d probably be contacting them now to ask if I was still invited - Sept is not that far away, so I’d want to be getting myself organised! (If I indeed still had a place!). Can’t believe the Facebook page post though!

On second thoughts I wouldn’t faff around waiting to ‘see’ if I was one of the ‘lucky’ invitees; and say yes to yours. What an odd turn this has taken! Have a fab wedding x

SomewhereontheM6 · 04/03/2018 18:44

Where do the hundreds of people come from?

Well 100 people is actually 50 invites and their partners/ spouses.
So that's 25 invites each for the bride and groom.

Parents, siblings, favourite aunt / uncle and a cousin is at least five.
10 old favourite friends, 10 current/ work friends, plus throw in a few kids and bang, the 25 invites each go quickly I found.

Bridechilla · 07/03/2018 20:30

I guess it all depends oh who can't make it but I'd loved it if a few peripheral family members RSVPD no, it makes zero difference to me or my partner and would save us cash. Blush heartless, I know.

backsackcraic · 07/03/2018 20:39

If people have rsvp with no, they can't retract it although if you really want them there, let them come and enjoy their company. The only reason they weren't coming was because they'd said yes to other wedding they've now been uninvited from!

HerRoyalNotness · 07/03/2018 20:41

I’m agog that you sent the invites out 8mths ahead of the wedding!

I’d definitely recheck with people before you confirm he final numbers to the caterer as some may be able to come along closer to the time

Bridechilla · 08/03/2018 07:48

HerRoyal I've sent 9 months out and it was only as I was hammered by friends and family to do so. A lot have to travel and were worried about hotels booking up

I've held back evening invites as I feel 9m is a bit OTT, and depending on RSVPs we may have day space in a few months.

The 6 week invite tradition is old hat now, I know many people who plan their weekends ahead that far ahead and would be booked.

IMO save the dates are a waste of trees, and just an industry money spinner £££.

SisterMortificado · 08/03/2018 08:16

I'm getting married in May and sent invites out in January- only a six month engagement, so pretty quickly.
So far I've only had one decline, and that bummed DP out as it's his oldest friend. He works on an oil rig and can't get leave.

I understand where you're coming from- it sucks.

(But, the other couple sending save-the-dates and not following through? Rude. There's no excuse for that!)

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