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Original poster

Dreading my wedding

38 replies

Outnumberedmum4 · 30/12/2017 03:16

Apologies in advance for the long message! I am getting married in August and I am dreading it. Not because I don't want to marry my amazing h2b but just because of the stress of the day.
Our budget has drastically dropped due to having the opportunity to buy a house last month. We have put deposits down on a lot of things for the day and I am now unsure if we can afford them. I have bought my dress on a spur of the moment appointment and am now regretting it as it was such a quick decision. We were let down by our cake lady and can't find another one in our budget that has space on our date. My h2b's brother and sister in law have decided to spend the summer abroad and only get home a week before the wedding meaning they won't be around for the stag do or hen do or any dress fittings (she is one of my bridesmaids and he is best man). My bridesmaids (I have 5) are disagreeing with the dresses I have chosen and all agreed on one that doesn't come in the colour theme we have meaning I would need to change it or they would need to wear a dress they don't feel comfortable in.
We are beginning to wonder if the stress is worth it. Do we cut our losses and go and get married just the 2 of us and our parents? AIBU with everything? What would you do??

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/12/2017 03:22

M&S do a wedding cake service

Cancel your order for the dress - say your wedding isn’t happening

scurryfunge · 30/12/2017 03:22

If it's causing you so much stress and you cannot afford the expense then I would scale it all down.

GreenTulips · 30/12/2017 03:23

Cut your losses and get hitched with the parents

Weddings shouldn't be that much stress and effort

Registration office, nice meal, home to new house! Book a holiday .....

I think big weddings are such a waste of money that could easily secure your future instead

eggofmantumbi · 30/12/2017 03:25

You're not being unreasonable, that sounds really stressful. I'm guessing you'd lose loads if you cancelled? Would you really be happy with that?

On a practical note, I bet you know someone who could make a cake? Or scour supermarket for a cheap one and get some decorations online?
Can the dresses be died? If not explain to your bridesmaids- give them a chance to do the right thing...

Lollipop30 · 30/12/2017 03:28

Weddings are ridiculously stressful anyway and you always have to remember 1. You can’t please everyone and 2. It is only important to you and Htb. Everyone else has their own priorities.

  1. Cake - you’ve still got time to shop around. It’s not until August, don’t let suppliers pressure you into committing. Look at what it is you’re after and possibly tone it down a notch? Could you buy a more plain cake from M&S or the like and dress it with flowers and/or a topper?
2/ BIL/SIL - get them to try things on before they go, order slightly larger and prewarn them that they won’t have time for other fittings. Or book in last minute fitting the week before well in advance. Dresses etc could have tied back to allow more give? 3/ Bridesmaids+dresses - This ones easy. Put your foot down, it’s not their choice and they don’t have the option to find it themselves. Find 3-5 choices that you’re happy with in the correct colours and let them know it will be a majority rule. Do bare in mind when choosing body shapes though big boobs/small boobs/skinny/short etc. Look at what they’ve suggested already as an indicator. Again it’s August so you’ve got ages to shop around.
Poshindevon · 30/12/2017 03:36

5 bridesmaids Shock thats way over the top. I cant see the point of big weddings , I would prefer to buy nice things for my home than have a stressful circus of a wedding.
If you cant afford your original wedding and its all too stressful then downsize and have a more intimate affair.

BumWad · 30/12/2017 03:38

What GreenTulips said

Such a waste of money

Spend it on a little holiday and things for the house

brizzledrizzle · 30/12/2017 03:47

Get married with just a small scale wedding, explain that you aren't having a reception and that it's church only, forget the bridesmaids etc. The marriage is what counts.

Waitingonasmile · 30/12/2017 03:49

I had an M & S cake and it was lovely!

ElizaDontlittle · 30/12/2017 04:22

I think getting married with just your parents sounds lovely.
If your dress is paid for, scale everything else right back. Stag and hen dos are optional.
I got married with 2 witnesses and had afternoon tea afterwards - it was lovely.

smurfy2015 · 30/12/2017 04:59

If you want the cake for pictures, get a "stunt cake", my friend had one, there may have been 200 people at the wedding and only a handful of us knew but the cake was stryofoam with a precut slice in it, there was a tiny mark on it to indicate for bride and groom where to "cut the cake",

Then it was wheeled out to kitchens of hotel with sparklers etc and the sheet cakes which were the real cakes were out there were cut, the stryofoam had a layer of marizpan on it and icing etc to make it look like the real thing, afterwards they sold it minus the marizipan and having taken the icing off it and another couple used it as a stunt as well.

Chocolate254 · 30/12/2017 05:01

Run off and do it on your own, Much less stress. Have a big party later.

Situp · 30/12/2017 05:19

Don't feel obligated to go ahead with things because of deposits. Better to lose a few hundred pounds than to invest thousands more on things you don't really want.

Reach out to friends and family for (non-financial) help. We had family and friends to make our cake, decorate the church, make the dresses for our flower girls etc. And not only did it save loads of money, it was lovely to have them involved.

We were living abroad when we got married and only came home a week before the wedding and it was fine.

Your wedding should be about your family and friends coming together to celebrate your new life together, not feeling forced to put on a fancy show for people.

Sit down with DP and start a new plan. Then cancel what doesn't fit.

On the bridesmaids front, if you still want 5, just let them wear their own dresses. Who cares?

The best weddings I have been to are the ones where people have done their own thing and ignored convention!

CatRen27 · 30/12/2017 05:29

Oh my, poor you. Weddings are stressful and it sounds like life is getting in the way of your original plans and you're overwhelmed! Sit down with your h2b, decide on what's important, and ditch everything else. Don't worry about trying to meet others' expectations, do what feels right for you (and your budget - don't go into debt!).

Bridesmaids and best men - they are primarily there to support the bride and groom, and it sounds like yours aren't doing their bit!

Maybe scale it back, get married with a few people there at your registry office etc and then have a party afterwards at a pub where there's just less pressure to 'get everything right'.

Good luck!

roundaboutthetown · 30/12/2017 05:36

Blimey, it sounds like what you were planning was a bit ott. Who cares about colour schemes and wedding cakes at the end of the day? Tone the whole thing down and you'll have fun for less stress and expense. And five bridesmaids is asking for trouble!

coursedarlin · 30/12/2017 05:51

We got married in 5 weeks from getting engaged and in total we spent just under 6k. One of the reasons for doing it was because i didn’t want to change my mind over the space of a year and stress about every little thing. My dress was the 3rd I tried on. We only had 2 adult and 2 child bridesmaids and none of them got a say in the dress or colour scheme.
It’s your day and you need to enjoy it. If that means running away and doing it alone then that’s what I would do.
On a practical note, for our cake I went to a local bakery who made just what I wanted and was a third of the price of the cake makers I looked up. It was lovely and I had loads of people comment of how nice it was.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

coursedarlin · 30/12/2017 05:52

Sorry should have said one of the reasons for doing it so quickly not for doing it at all

Callamia · 30/12/2017 05:56

No one will remember your wedding for the colour theme, or your cake. It will be remembered for the day, and how much fun and how happy it was.

Are your bridesmaids adult women? Just let them wear whatever dress - it doesn’t matter. And if they can agree, then go with it.

Scale it all down a bit so you can afford it, but still give everyone a good time. Keep spending money on good food and drink, and a decent DJ/band, and don’t worry about the minor details that only you will really notice.

yrhengi · 30/12/2017 12:11

Absolutely agree with callamia - the only things people really remember (or care about) at weddings are:

was there enough to eat?
did I have to stand around for hours while the B&G sodded off for photos?
was there enough to drink?
could I sit down and take off my shoes?

No one ever cares about notices what the bridesmaids wore, how fancy the cake was, whether the ushers had buttonholes, whether there were napkin rings hand-crafted from knotted ivy.

The wedding is not about your bridesmaids, ushers, or best man. It's about you two.

Mybabystolemysanity · 30/12/2017 12:17

We did a small wedding on a very, very tight budget and I did everything myself (flowers, cake, hair, makeup, table arrangements). Ended up being the most stressful and saddest day of my life.

I now really wish we had gone away just the two of us and got married very quietly. Would have been a much nicer day.

Think hard about it. If you're stressed now, it might not be much better after the event. What PP said about everyone else having their own agenda so true.

NapQueen · 30/12/2017 12:19

M&S cake

Tell BMs what colour and budget for the dresses and let them pick their own. They will look great in different styles but same colour.

allegretto · 30/12/2017 12:23

I had an M & S cake and it was lovely!

Me too! We just put some flowers on it and nobody complained. Not sure why everything has become such a big deal. I also didn't have any bridesmaids as it just seemed a hassle. I would just let them wear what they want.

allegretto · 30/12/2017 12:25

My h2b's brother and sister in law have decided to spend the summer abroad and only get home a week before the wedding
Not seeing the problem really. I decided to get married in the UK where I am from - and where my dress was from. I arrived with less than a week to go to the wedding myself and just organized the dress fitting for that week.

Angstyfish123 · 30/12/2017 12:30

I was a bridesmaid for a friend - there were 11 of us! Bride bought a bolt of dress fabric and 11 copies of a dress pattern (there were 3 different variations of dress, plus 2 cover-ups) and we the bridesmaids were tasked with choosing and getting out own dresses made.
I've also been to a fantastic wedding with a monochrome theme. Bridesmaids were given £50 each and told to buy a black dress. Bride bought them matching jewellery and corsages to tie the look together.

melonsandbananas · 30/12/2017 12:30

Honestly, 20 years and multiple kids later you'll be absolutely bloody kicking yourself you spent stupid money on a cake and dresses for bitchy women you haven't seen in years.