Our wedding has got out of hand

[Panickybridetobe]

Our wedding is a year away and has been booked for a year. I feel it is getting out of hand money wise. We have given it our best shot trying to save but we are stretched to the absolute maximum and it feels like our life is on hold. We are just about getting by, all bills are paid and we have food and clothes for the dc, but we are literally just about managing to fulfil the absolute basics in terms of events/birthdays/extra things for the dc. We have zero luxuries or social life which I could just about cope with but worst of all I feel the dc are missing out on nice things such as days out or activities that I think they would benefit from. Sometimes we can't even afford petrol outside what we need to get from a to b.

We have no extra contingency for things that crop up unexpectedly such as car repairs and it just seems to be that it is one thing after another and we are dipping into the savings. DP is working long hours to save so I am taking on everything with the dc and house on my own. We are both tired and stressed and bickering constantly. It feels like by the time the wedding comes we will be destroyed.

The problem is, my parents have always expected me to have a big wedding and are so excited about the day. I suppose I have gone along with it to keep them happy and because the thought of disappointing them although they would never say, would kill me. They have given a fairly significant amount of money towards the day in terms of everyday amounts (which we are hugely grateful for), but in terms of the overall cost of the day it is really just a small fraction of what it will cost. I just feel the weight of expecation and guilt weighing heavy because of these factors.

I dont even feel that we are going to achieve the amount we need to save right now, so after two quite stressful years, the biggest fear which is keeping me awake at night is that we will end up in debt too because we will be too far in to turn back.

I think because it has always been expected of me, I was almost convinced I wanted the big day myself. But in my heart of hearts I just want to be married and get on with our lives as a family. I would be happy with a much smaller celebration.

Has anyone else been in a similar position or scaled down their wedding? Im really unsure whether I am just experiencing normal panic.

Can you not have a big but cheap wedding? Think what are absolute must haves for the two of then start reducing some other costs.
Things to consider cutting -
Cars/carryiages for whole wedding party. Nobody sees bride arrive at church, bridesmaids don't need a special car. Get a friend with decent, clean large car to do it as their present.

Flowers - apart from bridal bouquet you can do your own for church and reception- mothers might like to take that on. It's a lovely task, can be done day before and much cheaper if you go to a wholesale.
Are bridesmaids buying own dresses? It is traditional that they do. Otherwise maybe restrict the number to one or two.
Don't fret about an outfit to change into. Spend all day enjoying your wedding dress.
Could you do your own makeup? Professional versions often look a bit overdone anyway.
Have a pay bar and serve Cava rather than Champagne.
I'm guessing you're already avoiding a hen/stag night.
Don't buy wedding favours. Make something simple. My sister in law did small seedlings she'd grown for people to take home and plant. Another friend made cheap napkins and bunting. Guests took their napkins home. Favours aren't really necessary anyway.
Keep it really, really simple. Avoid tacky add ons that eat money.
Go for simple pleasures- a barn dance and hog roast maybe.

Thanks crumbs1 - a cheap but big wedding was what we were originally trying for. We were willing to compromise on the venue and have a barn or marquee or something but there was just nowhere locally or the external catering was expensive. The hog roasts i saw cost a small fortune!

As we have young dc we also wanted to have somewhere suitable for them. So we have gone down the hotel package route and got a very good price in comparison to others but it still so expensive once everything adds up. We did compromise on that a bit too as the hotel isnt my ideal venue.

We have aimed to make it fun rather than stuffy but I really wanted a sit down meal, that is quite important to me. We have only booked a car for ourselves and I would have sacrificed that but it was something that dp really wanted!

I am paying for my bridemaids dresses and have already asked them all but am budgeting as little as possible and asking them to pay for shoes. I really felt that i didnt want to ask them to have to pay to be my bridesmaid! I am paying for my hair and makeup as I really am rubbish at it and do want to feel my best but I got a very good price for a well regarded professional.

I wont be getting changed, I had planned on only bouquets and my dm is doing venue flowers (great minds!). The bar is a pay bar and the reception drinks will definately be fizzy wine! I am keeping decorations and favours as cheap as possible and we're not having any extras such as light up dance floors etc!

Sorry, all good ideas and appreciated, I think it is just that I have been over and over what I want it to be like, and it is pretty much there but the scale of it is just so huge. I dont want to compromise on feeling my absolute best for example and if I start cutting on things like photography or a good band which will make it a good day, it wont be the day I want and I wont even have anything to show for it...

Don't do favours if they're not already paid for. Waste of money IMO.

Are you doing a separate day and evening do? We scrapped the evening do, got married later in the day and only fed everyone once about 7pm - would that work? Are you hiring suits or buying? We hired and I felt it was an ok price but a friend bought from Matalan and they looked great. No favours, are you having a DJ as well as a band or just a band? Could save on DJ if you're having one and do a playlist instead.

It's something to consider very carefully and in light of your circumstances, but have you considered getting a credit card with a 0% introductory rate and putting some of the wedding costs on it?

It might relieve some of the pressure on you currently to meet your savings goals, and allow you to defer some of the costs until after the wedding. A year is a long time to live as you are doing.

It sounds like you are both already quite financially careful, and as long as you committed firmly to repaying a sufficient chunk of the balance every month to clear the card before the 0% rate expired, it could be worth considering.

Is there no way you can reduce the numbers? That's where the majority of the expense will be. I know your parents will be disappointed but if you explained to them that the cost is causing you sleepless nights they might come round.

Thanks everyone. We arent really having any additional evening guests as a lot of the guests are coming from afar and we both have small groups of friends so it ia just everyone all day. We dont want to do it too late in the day as would like our dc to enjoy it and also the priest has set times he does weddings. Our evening food is quite basic though, in fact the most basic option available.

We were going to have a dj for after the band. I know we sound unwlling to compromise on some things but we dont want to compromise the quality and our enjoyment of the day, and feel that things like good music are an important factor. I had an idea for favours, was going to cost approx £100 in total but could scrap it.

sniffle I think we will go down that route if we dont make our goal but I am quite anxious about getting in debt at all or paying for the day after it has gone on top of two years of hard saving.

darcey i think that is what I would like to do really and an easy way to almost half the cost. In an ideal world I would have everyone on our guest list. I have a big family on both sides and we all love a get together. It was important to me that noone was upset by not being invited or it getting political so I have invited all aunties for example, even though I am much closer to some than others. When I take an honest (and selfish) look though, I feel I will have to compromise quality in terms of the day we want in order to have the large quantity and avoid upsetting people.

I think (in the nicest way possible!) you're not wanting to compromise on anything at all which is obviously fine but is going to cost you. If you can compromise on some things, you will save money. We have a HUGE family, many of whom travelled a long way and we did have to make some compromises to have the wedding we wanted. I had a playlist for after our band, we made it to include loads of our favourite songs and everyone loved it so I don't think you would miss a DJ. The hotel DJs are often pretty cheesy with a very big standard playlist!

you may be right daisy

Im not sure it is an option to play a play list but I will check with the venue. What did you do about lighting?

I feel we've comprised on venue - i'd have liked a stately home! I am spending minimal on decorations and flowers as im not bothered about them and will get invitations printed online. Suits I am not bothered where they are from and have bought DC outfits as I have seen them in sales - not fussy about details being matchy.

I am willing to compromise on numbers, im just scared of upsetting my family!

What other things did you compromise on daisy ? May be handy to hear from someone else who has a big family. What was your venue like etc?

I think the problem is that I feel that if it does have to be the big thing, that is a lot of expectation and people to entertain and it is so hard to compromise.

My genuinely ideal wedding would be, DP and I, our dc, immediate family plus grandparents and a few very close friends, church wedding followed by a lovely meal and lots of drinks in a nice country type pub!

We had a stately home type thing BUT I sourced every single last thing from somewhere else rather than going for the package. I also haggled - they wanted £10k for us to have it for the weekend and I ended up paying £4K (compromise number one, got married in November not summer).

Got married as late in the day as possible (3.30pm) then tea and coffee with naice biscuits while we did photos, then onto dinner. I didn't have three courses, I had a starter, a main and we cut the cake for dessert. We had a ceilidh band then I hired some DJ equipment for £60 which included lights and we plugged a phone in with a downloaded Spotify playlist and let it run.

Mine was very much a DIY job on purpose so I could make savings (I made my own tablecloths because it saved £80 on hiring them!) but obviously with a hotel package you're more limited on what you can bring in. I think probably you need to go through it with a fine tooth comb and see what you might be able to compromise on.

I know you're saying you want quality but often little homemade bits or other cheaper elements can personalise it. Sorry for the essay! Happy to PM if you want more details or if you want me to have a look at what you're doing. I'm planning a friend's wedding at the moment so I'm in the zone!

Last point - haggle, haggle till you're embarrassed and your DH is slinking under the table then ask for a tiny bit more off if you put a deposit down there and then

OP why dint you have the ideal wedding you mentioned?

You are spending a fortune for a wedding you don't want. That's crazy.

Don't not dint!
Is there still time to cancel the venue?

I got married 7 years ago. I got married in a beautiful venue (a castle) but did so on a Friday in March - this worked out about £5k cheaper than a Saturday in high season. We made our own invites, table plans, name cards and menus - cost less than £50 in total. We didn't have flowers on the table, but chose candles instead which saved a fortune. I only had 2 bridesmaids and I did my own make up. We didn't have a band either, just the DJ. It is unfortunately about compromise, but it really was the best day of our lives...and the compromises we made were worth it.

What have you actually committed to spending money on so far? If you haven't already paid, have a look at M&S for flowers - they do bridal packages and I think you can get a bouquet by itself for £60.

Similarly wedding cake - do you know someone who could make it for you for the cost of the ingredients? If not, M&S do a cake for £200 for 140 servings. Not cheap, but practically free by wedding cake standards. I promise I don't work for M&S - but they are reliable!

Does your catering package include dessert? If you can negotiate, cancel pudding and just have wedding cake. People rarely eat both, in my experience.

Invitations add up. We only sent printed invites to people over 50, and everyone else had a pdf version emailed to them.

Also rather than printing off rsvp cards we set up a wedding website for all info and rsvps, that saved money and it's really handy.

No favours. Nobody wants them.

I made my own bouquet- materials cost under £5.

We've got the cake and all flowers and centre pieces from one lady who we met at a wedding fair. There are excellent packages and deals out there if you hunt them out.

and no save the dates! If you really want people there and are worried about dates, text/call them. For everyone else, it's just a way to cut numbers - if they can't come, you don't have to pay for them.

I agree can you just pause and take a moment getting into debt/living for a year in an insanely tight budget for someone else's dream just seems a little nonsensical.

Panicky, it sounds to me like you really don't want this sort of wedding but you feel you are too far in to back out. Am I right?

I don't want to make you feel worse so sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you need to get your priorities straight. People who have these fantasy weddings generally do so before they have DC. Once you have DC it is much harder to save and your priorities are different. The cost of your wedding could be a good chunk of your DC university fees, or part of a deposit on a flat. Is it really worth splashing all that cash just on a day? Don't do it just to make your parents happy

Whatever you do, don't get into debt for it. What would you do if your car broke down or your roof needed fixing and you had no way of paying for it?

If you are getting cold feet then maybe you could think of a handy excuse for postponing the wedding and doing a scaled down version at a later date, more along the lines of what you really want?

This is stressing you. Is it worth it?
I'm certain you could cut costs with a bit of help. Would you post your budget? We can help you trim it.
Ditch the favours, don't have chair covers, a band and a DJ sounds quite extravagant, where are you getting your cake? Don't do save the dates or rsvp cards. Check again what is included in your hotel package. Does the venue really need decorating, or is it fancy enough without?
It helped us to have a max budget, and everything had to come in under that amount. If anything went over, then we had to trim another element.

I had this exact predicament, I was young and impressionable and my parents really wanted the whole marquee in the garden shebang, and they were paying.

It meant I had this huge wedding full of people I wasn't close to distant relations and my parents friends I look at wedding pictures now and struggle to name most of the people in them.

I spent about 15 mins with my DH that day and hours listening to other people bore on. Even simple things like photos take sodding hours if there are lots of people to marshal into position.

I wish, wish, wish, I'd had the guts to cut the guest list in half and massacre some of the other shit, too. (Wandering minstrels on the lute in the shrubbery , napkins monogrammed with our initials etc) I shudder when I think of the ridiculous cost of these things now.

Because of my DH's job, he decided not to have a wedding ring...about a month later he started really regretting this. He had an old friend who had become an priest. DH mentioned this to him casually, and priest told him to buy a bring and come round with me. We did. He opened the church, stood us at the alter, made us do our vows again and then we went for a cup of tea at a greasy spoon round the corner. It was so much better!!

Thanks Daisy, some really good ideas there. I will look into a later wedding time and see what the priest can do. The hire of the dj equipment sounds perfect too. When I say quality, I mean in terms of having the things we want/wanting people to be entertained and have a good time. Im happy to have a lot of home made things although more likely itll be a bit no frills because im not really bothered and dont have much imagination for all the frilly bits!

goldfish I think because my dm had been excited and talking about my wedding before I was even engaged and I hate upsetting people! She is lovely and would never make me feel bad but she would be so disappointed! I never put her straight and then we actually got engaged and never really took proper time to think about what we really wanted ourselves.

dandelion we were planning a basic m&s cake as im not bothered about a fancy cake but hadnt thought of cutting it up - great idea. I didnt know they did flowers either so thank you.

Footsteps I love the invitation idea, as nearly everyone can access them online so that will save a lot.

Livinia yes pretty much. My dc are my absolute world and the whole reason im so stressed is because I see us being absolutely penniless for a good chunk of their childhood because of our wedding. The thought of all the things we could do with them with that money makes me feel quite sick. I agree and have said many times to dp that I feel the ship sailed on the big wedding when we had our dc.

Gazelda, the venue could benefit from a bit of decoration, could possibly skip chair covers - you are made to feel a bit that these are basics!

ginny I have just got goosepimples! Ultimately we just want to be married and have a lovely life with our dc...really I dont think I will regret not having the big thing!