Our wedding has got out of hand

[Panickybridetobe]

Our wedding is a year away and has been booked for a year. I feel it is getting out of hand money wise. We have given it our best shot trying to save but we are stretched to the absolute maximum and it feels like our life is on hold. We are just about getting by, all bills are paid and we have food and clothes for the dc, but we are literally just about managing to fulfil the absolute basics in terms of events/birthdays/extra things for the dc. We have zero luxuries or social life which I could just about cope with but worst of all I feel the dc are missing out on nice things such as days out or activities that I think they would benefit from. Sometimes we can't even afford petrol outside what we need to get from a to b.

We have no extra contingency for things that crop up unexpectedly such as car repairs and it just seems to be that it is one thing after another and we are dipping into the savings. DP is working long hours to save so I am taking on everything with the dc and house on my own. We are both tired and stressed and bickering constantly. It feels like by the time the wedding comes we will be destroyed.

The problem is, my parents have always expected me to have a big wedding and are so excited about the day. I suppose I have gone along with it to keep them happy and because the thought of disappointing them although they would never say, would kill me. They have given a fairly significant amount of money towards the day in terms of everyday amounts (which we are hugely grateful for), but in terms of the overall cost of the day it is really just a small fraction of what it will cost. I just feel the weight of expecation and guilt weighing heavy because of these factors.

I dont even feel that we are going to achieve the amount we need to save right now, so after two quite stressful years, the biggest fear which is keeping me awake at night is that we will end up in debt too because we will be too far in to turn back.

I think because it has always been expected of me, I was almost convinced I wanted the big day myself. But in my heart of hearts I just want to be married and get on with our lives as a family. I would be happy with a much smaller celebration.

Has anyone else been in a similar position or scaled down their wedding? Im really unsure whether I am just experiencing normal panic.

Can you not sit down with your mum and talk to her if you feel it's got out of hand? I mean, if you want the big do, great - post your stuff and I'm sure we can help cut it down a bit. If you don't then I'm sure your mum would be really upset to think you were doing it so she wasn't disappointed! The best weddings I've been to are the ones where everyone was relaxed and happy, you honestly don't need to have everyone entertained all day.

OP"My dc are my absolute world and the whole reason im so stressed is because I see us being absolutely penniless for a good chunk of their childhood because of our wedding"

Tell that to your mum! Does she have any idea how much this is costing you? You can't pay because someone is disappointed and actually if she knew what this was costing you, would she be disappointed?

STOP THE MADNESS!! I PUT THIS IN CAPS!!!

The people who matter won't care about the frills just that they are celebrating with you!

Cut out all the frills, go back to the venue tell them you can't afford it and what can they cut out to get down to £x price?

It really sounds like not a matter of shaving a few quid off the flower bill etc but making radical changes to number of guests, venue costs etc

Agree with suggestions telling you to tell your mum your worries about the children going without.

I got married for £1000, and had a great day. I don't believe in spending all I have for one day it's ridiculous.

If you're having sleepless nights, you're terrified of a car repair bill and your DC are going without any trips etc, then there's no "I suppose we could skip the chair covers" about it!

OP, how much £ do you have saved and gifted from your parents? How much money can you comfortably save between now and then? that is your budget.

Go back to your Mum and tell her you've been looking again at numbers and can she help you get things in budget. She honestly won't want you to be this worried.

'you are made to feel these are basics'

They're not.

TBH the venue will be full of people all dressed up, they will be the bit that looks good. All hotels look much the same otherwise IMO unless you are marrying at Claridges which none of us are

I have no right to comment as we booked a superbly cheap venue (community centre) and I then blew a fortune decorating it. But you are having a very big and formal wedding. A sit down meal was important to me too and now I can't remember why. It was the sit down meal that cost a fortune; there was too much food and most of it was wasted; it offended some of the guests for religious reasons; the caterers made us pay 50% for each child most of whom ate a few mouthfuls from their parents' plates.

I can only say - the best food happens at bring and share weddings when everyone brings a dish with you allocating first course, puddings, salad etc, and they are a lot more common than you think. If you must cater, have a buffet. And if you cancel the hotel and find somewhere like a village hall (there are some really nice ones out there), you have a lot more freedom as to what you offer.

Glad it's nit just me
Agree that things like chair covers aren't going to save anything much
I have a feeling you're looking at a five figure wedding possibly. It is far too much to spend unless you are loaded and really want to. If a car repair would send you into a flap you can't afford the wedding - which doesn't matter because you don't even want it!

I am not sentimental central, totally unromantic and the story of a pp who had the vow renewal with the ring is very sweet even for me. What is sweet about big stuffy wedding that gets you in financial worry?

I think it's madness you can't talk to your mum about this.

Cancel the venue. Book the pub for a quiet meal.

Use bridesmaids posies to decorate plain M&S cake. Serve the cake for pudding. My daughter was a bridesmaid recently - the bride chose really pretty shoes from primark!

The important bit is saying your vows and signing the register. The rest is just add ons. Pare it back to that and then add back on what you can realistically afford. Have a summit meeting with your parents and be prepared to say "well if you want to invite x,y and z. ..then you will need to pay for them".

Is the sit down meal the main cost?
If it is, you may need to drastically cut the number of guests or have a buffet rather than a sit down meal.

The best weddings I have been to have been a late afternoon wedding followed by a buffet style meal (you can get really nice ones where you are served a choice of hot food,etc). Guests often have a better time as they can sit with who they want, no formal seating plans to stress over, often the food is not the nicest when it's brought out all plated up, people are often stuck with a dish they are not all that fussed on.

Maybe write down all the costs so you can see what you are spending where but it seems madness when you don't want this. Do you want to spend all summer not being able to take you kids on days out,etc as your spending money on a wedding you don't want?!

This is utter madness. Don't get yourself into debt for what is essentially a party. Go to registry office, get married and go to the pub if that's really what you want to do. You can't make a hotel wedding cheap, as you've realised.

**d the whole reason im so stressed is because I see us being absolutely penniless for a good chunk of their childhood because of our wedding. The thought of all the things we could do with them with that money makes me feel quite sick

Read your above statement and then read it again. That is BONKERS. All to not disappoint your mum? You need to tell her now that this is the reality and then you need to scale your wedding right back.
If you go ahead, every time you can't afford something for your dc you will think of your wedding and feel slightly sick..not sure that's the happy ever after you want really?!

Take a deep breathe, OP. Print out this thread and hand it to your mum. You know what you really want and what will make you happy. And as a mother yourself, how would you feel if one of your DC's were in this position?

You need to talk to your parents about this.

But a beautiful dress, book a registry office, followed by a nice meal with immediate family, with a few photos to mark the event.

It is madness and increasingly irresponsible to have a wedding you can't afford.

*buy

Can you cancel it?
You're right, there are so many more things you could do with the money.
What about getting married on a family holiday abroad?

Oh OP. Sounds like you've got yourself into a real pickle.

Think about the best days you've had in your life so far. Did any of them involve a live band and a sit down meal? If they did, were they utterly central to the day being good? It sounds trite, but these aren't the things that make it enjoyable or memorable. Receiving heartfelt wishes, being with your family, laughing, being relaxed, committing yourself to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with - these are the things that will make your wedding day amazing.

I think with weddings, you either keep it small or you have to spend a lot (not saying that keeping it small it always cheaper!) You can't invite hundreds of people and then let them all have a crappy day, nobody wins then. Either keep it small or accept it's going to be expensive - the more people there are, the more worry there will be.

Speak to your mum. Tell her what you've told us - that money that should be spent on the DCs and their future is being poured into the wedding instead, and you're scaling back the wedding arrangements significantly, as this isn't what you want.

Thanks for the lovely replies so far. I will read and reply properly later on.

justspeaksense we are not irresponsible. As I have said, we have all pur bills covered and things the dc need. We are just struggling for luxuries and nice extras for them which upsets me. We had a detailed savings plan but as I can see we are going to fall short and dont want to get into debt for it, I have posted here for support. Sorry but there always seems to be someone looking to reprimand you.

I don't think justspeaksense was reprimanding you merely pointing out that it would be irresponsible to get into debt for a wedding. She is right and you said as much yourself upthread.
Can totally understand how you have been swept along into this position but you need to take charge a bit now and scale it down to fit your realistic budget.

Yes I think youre right, sorry justspeak I read it quickly on my lunch break and im just a little stressed with it all.

Been thinking about possibilities non stop and DP and I are going to sit down and look at options. I'll reply properly later to all posts

We are getting married on Saturday, have been together for many years, have 2 children, have a house that we have been renovating and finally have a bit of headspace and a little money saved to be able to get married...We are having it at the registry office, and then an afternoon reception at an arty venue with a buffet. We are finishing at 6 to head off with the kids for our weekend honeymoon away. So the art gallery space has cost a bit to hire, but the amazing venue has meant we haven't bothered with many decorations - just wool pom pom flowers we have been making ourselves in small milk type bottles, for table decorations. Then I have bought a dress from Jigsaw and some lovely shoes, my other half isn't wearing a suit, just some lovely trousers and jacket he is comfortable in.

Anyway, we have done all this our way and everyone has been happy when we've said what we wanted to do. We could have spent less on some things too, but there were some things WE decided we wanted (e.g. a bouquet for me, earrings, certain drinks, etc.). We have completed avoided lots of the traditional things you are 'supposed' to do at weddings - no favours (I have no idea what their purpose is?!), no bridesmaid dresses - just our kids in some lovely clothes that they feel comfortable in, no wedding car, no expensive hen do - just a couple of get togethers with different groups of friends, no stag do at all, no wedding cake just scones, ...

We decided we don't want to spend all our savings (which we could easily do) on the one day, instead we have other important things to use or save that money for, and so do you..

The important thing for us is to do the deed and get all our important people together to help us celebrate.

Others have said this already, I would also talk to your parents - are you sure they really want this too, or do they think you want it, so they are being supportive of you? Assuming what other people think can cause us so many problems....

Anyway, good luck with whatever you choose - remember it is your choice.

your wedding sounds lovely, winklegirl