Our wedding has got out of hand

[Panickybridetobe]

Our wedding is a year away and has been booked for a year. I feel it is getting out of hand money wise. We have given it our best shot trying to save but we are stretched to the absolute maximum and it feels like our life is on hold. We are just about getting by, all bills are paid and we have food and clothes for the dc, but we are literally just about managing to fulfil the absolute basics in terms of events/birthdays/extra things for the dc. We have zero luxuries or social life which I could just about cope with but worst of all I feel the dc are missing out on nice things such as days out or activities that I think they would benefit from. Sometimes we can't even afford petrol outside what we need to get from a to b.

We have no extra contingency for things that crop up unexpectedly such as car repairs and it just seems to be that it is one thing after another and we are dipping into the savings. DP is working long hours to save so I am taking on everything with the dc and house on my own. We are both tired and stressed and bickering constantly. It feels like by the time the wedding comes we will be destroyed.

The problem is, my parents have always expected me to have a big wedding and are so excited about the day. I suppose I have gone along with it to keep them happy and because the thought of disappointing them although they would never say, would kill me. They have given a fairly significant amount of money towards the day in terms of everyday amounts (which we are hugely grateful for), but in terms of the overall cost of the day it is really just a small fraction of what it will cost. I just feel the weight of expecation and guilt weighing heavy because of these factors.

I dont even feel that we are going to achieve the amount we need to save right now, so after two quite stressful years, the biggest fear which is keeping me awake at night is that we will end up in debt too because we will be too far in to turn back.

I think because it has always been expected of me, I was almost convinced I wanted the big day myself. But in my heart of hearts I just want to be married and get on with our lives as a family. I would be happy with a much smaller celebration.

Has anyone else been in a similar position or scaled down their wedding? Im really unsure whether I am just experiencing normal panic.

Sounds like you can't really cut costs and numbers any further so the next course of action is to work on making this affordable.

Personally, I would get a credit card with 0% interest for the longest period I can possibly get with the amount I need to borrow.

I would pay for everything that needs paying for over the next year on that and pay back a set monthly figure that allows the small treats for the kids and relieves me from my sleepless nights.

At the end of the interest free term I would either see if I can do a balance transfer to another 0% interest credit card for another long period and continue to pay off a set amount

Or

Take out a loan and continue to pay that off for the duration of the loan

(Whatever works out cheaper and more financially viable long term)

And Op-

My children are very young but when they're grown up, if I found out they were putting themselves through so much financial strain and anxiety over ONE DAY because they were worried they would disappointed me, I would've heart broke x

Oh my word, stop this madness! Just cancel the big family wedding and tell your DM you're having a small wedding with close family and that you've been feeling extremely stressed about the cost of it all.
Carrying on with a wedding you don't want, when you have children going without, it's putting a strain on your relationship, and you have NO savings for when life really gets tough, is utter madness.
But at the root of this is that you don't actually want this huge wedding. I'd rather have a tiny wedding than a big wedding on the cheap so just scale it back to what YOU want.
Yes DM will be disappointed but she will survive. Tell her you love her dearly and you're grateful for all the supoort, but that this ain't the wedding you want and the cost is making you feel ill.
Spend aome cash instead on a great family holiday with your kids and parents that will create many, many happy memories for all.

Isn't not ain't! Sorry

You can save on the wedding photography. Ask people to post their pics on a Facebook account. Hire a photography or media student.
Do you know anyone who can bake who could make the cake for you?

Big unnecessary wedding expenses:
Dress: if you go to a bridal boutique that sells dresses costing thousands, you'll spend thousands. If you go to an outlet selling dresses for (low) hundreds then that's what you'll spend. If you want to cut that right back, look online for second hand or go to one of the excellent Oxfam bridal stores.
Favours: bin them or give everyone a named pebble or something.
Chair covers: just why?
Cake: go for something trendy rather than a big iced formal cake: a stack of doughnuts, a pile of French fancies, a stack of cheese to use as a dinner course. Just do anything possible to avoid hundreds n cake that most won't eat!
Little extras which add up: flip flop baskets, bathroom baskets, candy bars, disposable cameras, photo booths, double entertainment, children's garden games themed table centres etc etc etc: people remember one, not all of these types of things. If you want double entertainment (band and DJ) then cut out the extra bits. If you want entertainment for the DC then lose the DJ or the band.
Plan to sell on everything you buy after the wedding: I made back hundreds from selling on all my extra bits; but be aware that you won't get back half of what you spend if you buy new in the first place.......
The fancier your plans the easier it will be to cut back and save. Make a list and have a good long look: chair covers = a day at the seaside for your DC, for example.....how important are they now?

A friend asked everyone who could take photos to do so and give them to her. She made an album herself. The photos were lovely. Informal and such a change from the formality of a professional photographer.

Oh blimey OP I feel for you. I don't know how deep you are into this but here's my tuppence worth.

The best, most memorable weddings I've been to have not been the "big stately home every little thing catered for". They have been the most dull! The nicest have been:

The one where a massive cottage pie was served and everyone helped themselves throughout the night
The one where all the flowers came from attendees gardens and were arranged that morning in jars collected by guests in the preceding months
The one where there was no band or DJ (or lights!) but 4 people who came with iPod playlists and plugged them into the venue sound system. Guests were asked to select their favourite 3 songs to dance to
The one where guests were asked to bring a bottle for the table (with a selection also provided by bride and groom
The one where close friends and family made bunting for a dowdy parish hall and made it look incredible. They still have that bunting and it's used for every celebration since then as well as garden parties and birthdays
The one where a packet of seeds was provided as wedding favours
The one where we tripped off to a seaside end of pier cafe ate sausage rolls, bacon sarnies and jam tarts then danced till dawn on the beach

None of these were fancy. At all. All were memorable because a group of people came together to make it fabulous.

People don't remember cars, invitations, orders of service, printed menus, flowers, favours, table decorations, chair colours or other fripperies. Just don't bother. People do remember feeling part of a celebration and actually celebrating! That means drinking, dancing, laughter and meeting new people.

The only thing I wouldn't scrimp on is food (just fill people up, a bunch of great sarnies and homemade cakes will do or the aforementioned cottage pie), drink (offer what you can for free then make people buy their own or bring their own, they are happy to!) and music. Your dress (my friend had a $40 vintage dress and looked amazing) On the music front ditch the band. No one dances to a band and if they do they are just waiting for someone to play Wham!

Oh and. The one where I was bridesmaid to my best mate and we spent a leisurely morning making the bouquets ourselves over a lovely bottle of bubbles. Took about an hour. An hour I will never forget (because it was lovely!)

If I were you I'd cancel the hotel (if you can) and sit down and talk with your parents. They would not want to see you getting in debt and having a wedding you're not really wanting just to please them. And if they do, then they're being very selfish.
Talk to them, explain your worries with money and tell them what you'd actually like to do.
You will kick yourself in years to come if you get into debt just to have a wedding in order to 'keep up with the Jones'.
Good luck, I hope you sort it out. X

Had our wedding on Saturday (see description in above post) - completely enjoyed it all :-) And lots of our guests said how much they enjoyed it all too as it was so relaxed.

Definitely do what you want to do. It goes so fast, and lots of the details you don't even care about on the day. I was fussing a bit about the music, and what things were on the menu, etc. but in the end, you barely notice those things (though I guess I would have noticed if they were awful!) and it's just about being together.

I do wish I had taken a few more photos on my phone or given it to someone else to take, as over the weekend I wanted to see some photos straight away, and I'm having to wait for official photographers to arrive and for people to send me theirs.

Ginny - sorry I thought I had replied to you before. Thanks! It was lovely.

Rope in anyoneone who can help. Our wedding started to look like it was escalating away from our finances too, we made our invites by buying pre-folded, scalloped edge cards from a hobby store and getting a photo of our wedding flowers printed on at the local print shop, it saved us loads of money. We had a family member who liked to bake so we asked if she would be willing to make our cake, we paid her to cover her costs but again it saved a few hundred pounds.
Our bridesmaids dresss we got from an online evening gown seller , a bargain at £30 each for the older bridesmaids. I found a new 'up and coming' florist at a wedding fare and again, saved a fortune. We hand made our favours but in hindsight it was a lot of faf for very little (I secretly loved that part) instead of a fleet of wedding cars we hired one limo to take me and the bridesmaids to our venue. ( as we held the ceremony and reception at the same venue the car didn't need to wait about to take us to the next part so once again a saving)
Write yourselves a list of Must haves ( wedding dress, marriage license etc) Would be nice to haves and We Can probably do withouts.
If you're buying your bridesmaids/flowergirls outfits don't feel you have to buy new shoes for them too, tell them you expect them to be up dancing so wear comfy shoes.
I ordered my veil from eBay, in wedding shops similar veils were selling at a few hundred pounds, I paid £17 including delivery from china and it was perfect.
Keep the guests you are feeding, i.e. The daytime guests, as small as you can get away with. They are the expensive ones, if you tell cousins, colleagues and old university friends you're having a small daytime ceremony for immediate family that will save you money again.
On a side note, don't let your wedding plans for next year stop you from entirely enjoying this year, a few nice activities as a family are worth it too. Have a great day.

Is it too late to change the day? We saved ££££s by getting married on a Friday rather than Saturday

Hope you've started to get it sorted OP - remember, your mum has had her wedding, this is your turn!

Our wedding cost less than £5k and was amazing.

We married in the registry office with just a few people and then had a big party at the golf club. The meal was a BBQ, we supplied our own wine and champagne. DH's band played and my cousin was the DJ. My friend's lovely mum made the cake, my dress was from eBay, the car was my best mate's Jag. Bridesmaids dresses were from Debenhams and we hired the suits. I wore my sister's veil and jewellery.

It was a very special day, I love the fact so many people were involved to make it happen and it was an epic party.

Oh, and for favours I bought a big box of personalised Love Hearts (the sweets) which was maybe £30.

And I did my own makeup, and a friend did my hair.

You're already living together with more than one child and you have a two year engagement and are affecting your ability to afford things for your children because of a massive wedding.

Wtf.

Your children already have mum and dad together you getting married wont change things at all for them as you're already together. I cant believe the money you're wasting for one day when you're already a family together. You cant afford it the children would have a better time at a smaller party and you'd have more money to spend on them as a result but you seem unwilling to compromise on anything so on your own head be it.

Absolutely bonkers! I'm getting married next weekend and it's costing around £3k all in. That's for a civil ceremony at the town hall, lunch for 30 and an evening do for 100 or so.

No flowers, fancy cars, favours, photographer, bridesmaids etc. Seemed totally crazy to fritter money away on ONE day. If I'd had my way there'd have been no evening do either.