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Original poster

How to word the dress code...

107 replies

MidnightDexy · 18/01/2017 16:17

I know dress codes on wedding invitations are a divisive issue, but some of our guests will need a steer. Allow me to explain...

We are having a semi-formal (i would say 'normal') wedding this summer. At every wedding i have ever been to with my family or my friends, men have worn suits and ties (standard business dress) and ladies have worn a dress of some description (with or without a hat/fascinator).

My fiance is from another (European) country. I attended his grandfather's funeral last year at the local church and half of the grandchildren came in jeans, trainers and a jumper/teeshirt. The eldest son (my fiance's uncle) came in stonewashed jeans, a short sleeve lumberjack shirt, and desert boots.

Rightly or wrongly, i don't want this happening at our wedding. My family are very far from 'posh' but they (again, rightly or wrongly) consider dressing appropriately for the occasion to be a mark of manners and respect. My family have never met his extended family and i don't want first impressions on our wedding day to mean they get off on the wrong foot. I can't be bothered with the stress tbh.

Anyway for those reasons we will be putting a dress code on our invitations. If I were only inviting English speakers then I would put "Dress code: Lounge suits", on the understanding that a UK bloke would interpret that to mean shirt and tie, and a woman would interpret that to mean smart dress/skirt and jacket.

What should i write for the women - "evening dress"? "cocktail dresses"? "elegant dress"?

("Smart-casual" is just going to be a recipe for disaster).

Again, appreciate people have opposing views on invitations with a dress code but i am not looking for a flaming, just advice on how best to word this! What the hell is the female equivalent of "lounge suit"?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 19/01/2017 12:19

Definitely. It's a well known fact that they only wear clogs made out of Edam cheese.

Don't be silly (and do hope your head is OK) - I imagine they are just like British people, and may not have shoes that they can wear to a wedding which a)matches their outfits or b)fits with the Dexy family's dress code.

Original poster
MidnightDexy · 19/01/2017 12:25

I agree 5minutes but we're not asking for black tie?

I assure you it will not be necessary for anyone attending to buy a new outfit. I am sure there are families out there where the woman doesn't own a single dress, skirt or blouse, and where the children own only demin and teeshirts, but i'm going to go out on a wild limb here and say that is not the case with our Dutchies.

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 19/01/2017 12:27

Even hiring a "Lounge suit" costs £70-100, an evening dress for a woman would be at least the same again, then £50 to hire a boy child's junior "Lounge suit" and 30-50 on a dress of a corresponding level of fanciness for his sister. So if you hire then maybe £300 before matching shoes - many people will not have shoes which "go" with evening wear and will have to pay for those too. So even hiring you won't have much change from £500.

If you say "formal wear" though people can indeed wear what they already own - work wear etc.

5moreminutes · 19/01/2017 12:28

Bit of a cross post there Blush

Formal wear. Done.

Original poster
MidnightDexy · 19/01/2017 12:29

Why do you assume they would have nothing suitable to wear to a UK wedding? They have jobs, they walk around in shoes, they don't wear bearskins and shoes made of MacDonald's paper bags. They're normal people just like you and me, honest Wink

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 19/01/2017 12:32

Yep, formal wear sounds like the way forward. That way they can be in no doubt that the Edam cheese clogs are not suitable.

Viviene12 · 19/01/2017 12:51

Is he from the Netherlands? The dress code for weddings would suggest that :-)

If I guessed you might have lost the battle already - they dress in what they like not what is required by the occasion.

Can you put 'dress code: smart' and then explain to your side of family what you mean by that? Even though what

Viviene12 · 19/01/2017 12:52

Haha I guessed! Cross- post :-)

Good luck!!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/01/2017 13:23

Calm down?

It's not me who is getting their knickers in a twist trying to orchestrate what people wear to their wedding Hmm

Seriously, so WHAT if Granny doesn't approve of no hats, that's her problem but anyone elses. My grandfather was horrified we had a child free wedding,we didn't then suddenly invite kids to make him happy.

What people choose to wear is their business.

Original poster
MidnightDexy · 19/01/2017 13:50

Thanks Dame the Drama Queen,, but we've established that my family are c*nts (as am i), i'm just looking for wording for the invites.

If, as you suggest, it's ok to tell one side of the family that they simply dress differently in the NL, why is not ok to tell the NL side of the family that the Brits dress differently?

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/01/2017 13:56

If, as you suggest, it's ok to tell one side of the family that they simply dress differently in the NL, why is not ok to tell the NL side of the family that the Brits dress differently?

I only suggested saying that IF it's brought up by your family as in an explanation not telling anyone what to wear.

Chill out and enjoy your day or you will be so focused on what people are wearing you will lose sight of what they day is really about.

SirChenjin · 19/01/2017 14:00

You can tell the NL side that the British dress differently- but you're not just telling them about the difference, and that's the nub.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 19/01/2017 14:37

I think you're getting an extraordinarily hard time on here, OP. For what it's worth I think when it's your wedding, that's the one day in your entire life when you should be allowed to call the shots.

If half the guests turning up dressed for a barn dance would spoil the sense of occasion for you then you can (and should) specify a dress code.

As for the wording on the invites, you could try something like "Please note that our wedding venue has a dress code, and smart attire is required."

You're quite right that nobody needs to shell out a fortune for a suitable wedding guest outfit. Supermarkets and charity shops sell dresses and suits.

srtajuanita · 19/01/2017 14:46

When we had a "mixed" wedding, we worded it that it was the venue who needed everyone to wear a suit (gentlemen) with tie, and ladies to dress to match.

Not perfect, but it gave the idea.

Lweji · 19/01/2017 15:13

After the updates, I think it should be mostly on your OH.
He can tell his family not to show up in jeans and T-shirt, if he thinks they'll do that.
Surely he's gone to his family weddings before and knows what to expect from them.

lovelearning · 19/01/2017 17:14

we will be putting a dress code on our invitations

MidnightDexy, a dress code would help your British guests as well. These days, we all need pointers as to appropriate attire.

Dress code: semi-formal, hats optional

pinkpanda101 · 14/02/2017 14:51

My DH (and his mates) was dead keen to wear Black Tie for our wedding - it was a little bit 50/60s Rat Pack style. It was also late afternoon so totally appropriate. We didn't expect guests to follow suit but thought if they had the clothes, it was a nice opportunity to wear them. So we put "Black Tie (optional)" on the invitations. My MIL was incensed, she said that dress codes on invitations was lower class (she also objected to the font, which was extremely traditional and appropriate - but she is bonkers)

On the day, loads of older men turned out in black tie, thrilled to have a chance to dust it off and dress up! And it was a good excuse for their wives to wear rather more glamorous dresses than they might have done for an ordinary wedding. Younger guests mostly just wore standard 'British wedding' attire and everyone looked fab. For us, the dress code suggestion worked well and ensured no one felt uncomfortable., which is kind of crucial on your special day.

OP - they are all your guests and as a hostess it's your responsibility to make each guest feel comfortable. If a dress code helps, then use one Smile

MackerelOfFact · 14/02/2017 15:31

OP, you are getting a completely undeserved pasting here!

Your wedding in going to be in the UK and your British guests will be observing a typical British guest code, because, well, why wouldn't they?

You just want to make sure your Dutch guests are a) aware that this will be the dress code, the usual guest code for British weddings but perhaps not one that they are themselves accustomed to, and b) given the opportunity to adhere to it should they choose (which they probably would, given that they seem like nice people, yes?)

Far worse to say nothing and have them turn up and feel uncomfortable and wish you'd say something. That way the ball is in their court. If they don't own, can't afford or hate wearing formal clothes, that's their call, but at least they know.

Totally agree that asking someone to dress in a way that is culturally appropriate for the wedding you're attending is not an insult to their own culture.

I think 'formal British wedding' is a good description too.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 15:45

Why is it far-fetched to think that a woman may not own a blouse, skirt or dress? Confused

Most women I know don't own a dress or even a skirt!

The men I know only own a suit if they wear one for work...

It sounds like you are more concerned with what they look like than whether they attend and have a good time. If they can't afford/don't want to buy clothes especially for the occasion, would you prefer them to stay home?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 15:48

"Elegant dress" may appear a little odd - I look like a sack of shite in a dress so that would stump me Grin

xStefx · 14/02/2017 15:50

OP, I wouldn't be happy if someone wore jeans and trainers to my wedding either. I would put on the bottom of the invitation

Dress code: Suits and smart dress Only (No jeans or trainers etc...)

Be direct or the clampet family wont get what your on about ...

2014newme · 14/02/2017 15:52

What on earth is semi formal?🙄🙄🙄
Surely formal is the dress code at weddings. Semi formal is confusing and means nothing

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 16:07

the clampet family

OMG really? Shock

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 16:08

They are foreign, not stupid....

Scribblegirl · 14/02/2017 16:13

I think you've got a point OP. When my cousin got married, half her German inlaws turned up. Three were in jeans and one was in a baseball cap which he didn't even remove for the service .... as guests we wrote it off as a different culture different attitude, but if it were my wedding and I knew something like that would happen, I'd want to try and see it off if at all possible.

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