How to word the dress code...

[MidnightDexy]

I know dress codes on wedding invitations are a divisive issue, but some of our guests will need a steer. Allow me to explain...

We are having a semi-formal (i would say 'normal') wedding this summer. At every wedding i have ever been to with my family or my friends, men have worn suits and ties (standard business dress) and ladies have worn a dress of some description (with or without a hat/fascinator).

My fiance is from another (European) country. I attended his grandfather's funeral last year at the local church and half of the grandchildren came in jeans, trainers and a jumper/teeshirt. The eldest son (my fiance's uncle) came in stonewashed jeans, a short sleeve lumberjack shirt, and desert boots.

Rightly or wrongly, i don't want this happening at our wedding. My family are very far from 'posh' but they (again, rightly or wrongly) consider dressing appropriately for the occasion to be a mark of manners and respect. My family have never met his extended family and i don't want first impressions on our wedding day to mean they get off on the wrong foot. I can't be bothered with the stress tbh.

Anyway for those reasons we will be putting a dress code on our invitations. If I were only inviting English speakers then I would put "Dress code: Lounge suits", on the understanding that a UK bloke would interpret that to mean shirt and tie, and a woman would interpret that to mean smart dress/skirt and jacket.

What should i write for the women - "evening dress"? "cocktail dresses"? "elegant dress"?

("Smart-casual" is just going to be a recipe for disaster).

Again, appreciate people have opposing views on invitations with a dress code but i am not looking for a flaming, just advice on how best to word this! What the hell is the female equivalent of "lounge suit"?

Do you think that your fiance's family might feel a little under-dressed when they see your friends and family dressed up to the nines?

"Formal wear" is not open to interpretation any more in Dutch than it is in English: put formeel kleding into google and do an image search.

You are over thinking and if you over labour this with long winded descriptions of what you want people to wear you will be a bit of a laughing stock. Fair enough it matters to you, though I tend to agree with those thinking that is a bit sad, but it does and so a couple of words on the invite are fair enough, but more would be very demanding and make you look at best a bit prim and at worst arrogant and condescending.

I like the idea of stating that the church or venue has a formal dress code rather than making it a requirement you have set (and of course do not let the idea that you want your family to see his family showing what your side deem to be proper respect by dressing like your family instead of in the clothes they would choose if left to themselves get out ).

The normal response to granny being offended by people not wearing hats to church is an indulgent smile and carrying on as you were, not attempting to control what everyone around her wears so that she will approve of them!

And do his female relatives wear hats to work?

5moreminutes: helpful, thanks. "Formal british wedding: formeel kleding" may be a winner.

Nickname, yes, i am worried they will feel under-dressed, i don't want them to feel uncomfortable and i don't my family to feel like fiance's family couldn't be assed to dress appropriately. I hate turning up to an event and feeling over or under-dressed (others wouldn't give a monky's, fair enough).

January, no, why...are hats for weddings essential in your view?

i have never worn a hat to a wedding...thought that was only necessary if it was "morning dress"?

Jesus maybe i've been doing it wrong my whole life! But then again so has every woman under 50 that i've ever been to the same wedding as.

They're Dutch not aliens! Just get your other half to tell people that dressing up is the norm here - though they watch enough uk TV to know!

Could you put Semi-Formal?

January, no, why...are hats for weddings essential in your view?

Er, no - but your grandmother seems to think they are. I think you need to lighten up and let people wear what they want to.

My grandmother thinks they're essential for church...good thing we're not getting married in a church...

If she's willing to bend her rules re hats in certain wedding locations, do you think she (and your other family members) could bend their rules re trousers?

i wouldn't mind if anyone, male or female, came in trousers! What do you mean?

The type of trousers - jeans/work suit trousers/formal morning suit trousers. Do you think they could be persuaded to think of them as hats in this situation?

Sorry you've lost me!

Can i ask the others: if you received a dress code for "cocktail/eveningwear", would you assume you could free to waer a pant-suit / jumpsuit / trousers and blouse?

I would but interested to hear what others think.

i have never worn a hat to a wedding

MidnightDexy

Samantha Cameron had been expected to forsake a hat for the ceremony, just as she did for the Queen’s speech at the State Opening of Parliament last May. While this would have been in keeping with her husband’s dress-down plans, it would stand out now that the Prime Minister has decided to wear tails. Sam’s sister, Emily Sheffield, had dropped a hint by asking: “Will anyone — Samantha Cameron? — break with tradition and avoid a hat?”

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/celebritynews/8467296/Royal-wedding-Does-Samantha-Cameron-need-a-last-minute-visit-to-the-milliners.html

Cocktail / evening wear is black tie - surely that's not what you want? Nearly everyone would have to buy or hire new clothes for that and you really will have people declining because another £500 on clothes for a family on top of flights and accommodation and a present makes attending your wedding more expensive than a family week at Disneyland Paris...

MidnightDexy

I mean, if Granny can be flexible in her views on hats (i.e. they are required for church weddings, but not weddings held in other venues), then perhaps she (and the rest of your family) could think of other garments in the same way?

i wouldn't mind if anyone, male or female, came in trousers! What do you mean?

Errr......

a woman would interpret that to mean smart dress/skirt and jacket

What should i write for the women - "evening dress"? "cocktail dresses"? "elegant dress"?

It is open to interpretation whereas an explicit instruction that men should be in suits and women should wear a dress is unequivocally clear

aaaaaaah that's the point 5moreminutes, i don't want black tie or morning suits i just don't want people coming in jeans, shorts, vest tops, trainers, flip flops,

Although in fairness i am not sure where you are shopping if it would take £500 to clothe your family! If you assume one man, one woman and two kids, and the man already has a suit and a tie, then even on the (in my view slightly far fetched) assumption that the woman didn't own a single dress or skirt or blouse, and neither child owned anything that wasn't jeans/shorts/cargo pants/dora the explorer logo'd then i am struggling to see how you would have to spend more than £70 to buy 3 outfits.

I bought a dress for an upcoming wedding for £15 in the warehouse sale. I didn't need a dress, i have about 30, but that's not the point. It's pretty!

SirChejin still not quite sure i get what you are getting at, but no, my family would not bat an eyelid at the lack of a hat (although noted Lovelearning - we must be plebs of the lowest order!) but i'm afraid they would find guests turning up in jeans and trainers to an event that they and their daughter and SIL had saved up for for the past year pretty disrespectful. Why would you dress nicely for work and then be invited to a big celebration event and dress like you were going fishing I JUST DON'T GET IT. And neither will my hoity-toity, judgemental, snobby, nasty family.

If you are the type of person that thinks it's ok to turn up to a wedding in flip flops and a tee-shirt then well done, i congratulate you and your obviously superior moral attitude. Presumably you'd go to a wedding in Saudi Arabia in a minidress because "that's what i am comfortable in and i won't let anyone judge me, it's the celebration of love that counts, not my tits on display". Great, great. Good for you.

Yeah, I'd absolutely to a wedding in Saudi in a minidress - because comparing the cultural and religious practices of a restrictive patriarchal country to the preferences of a family who can't grasp that more casual attire worn to a wedding by people from another country is not disrespectful is exactly the same

£70 to clothe and shoe 3 people??

What, so now Dutch people don't own shoes? bangs head

Midnight black tie would cost at least £500 for a family - black tie isn't a suit and tie and most people do not have a black tie outfit - vanishingly few children do unless they have recently needed one for some unusual formal event.

But just write formal wear... job done, no point flogging a dead horse here.

Where do you shop? £70 for 3 formal wedding outfits? You are kidding yourself!